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#2231234 - 03/16/12 02:53 PM Looking for Hope
runningonempty Offline
New Member

Registered: 03/15/12
Posts: 1
My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years now. We have two sons, ages 2 and 4. We've always had issues communicating properly, but we've also always had a loving relationship. About you months ago, my husband made a friend at work. At first their friendship didn't bother me, but as time went on she began to talk to him about her relationship with her boyfriend, all her disappointments with him, their sex life and she even confided things in my husband that I can't share, but I was shocked at. Things you would only tell your significant other or closest friend. At first, I tried to brush off my concerns because he was being open and honest with me about their conversations. However, after time went by I felt that I needed to express my concern and also to tell him that I would not be comfortable with him sharing the same kind of information with her. At first, he was quite angry with me, but eventually agreed not to share such information. He still kept me in on their conversations, but I began to feel more uncomfortable. He was so confident that she would never develop feelings for him, so he turned a deaf ear to what I was saying and I gave up talking about it. We started fighting more because I felt so ignored and of secondary importance. In February, they both had to go on a two-week trip to their work headquarters for training. The thought of that almost drove me crazy. I did discuss my concerns with him and he was good about addressing them. The time came for the trip and I tried to distract myself with play dates and my mom flew out to spend time with the boys and I. Over the weekend while they were there, he ended up having a talk with her and telling her that they couldn't get too close because he loves me and nothing would ever happen between them. She was very upset by this, which gave me an opening to ask that if there was the possibility that she had feelings for him, would it be smart to continue the friendship at all? He said he was sure that wouldn't be an issue.

He cam home the following weekend and we had a serious talk about our marriage and the things he was unhappy with, namely the fact that I tend to get and attitude with him and that I tend to hold my feelings in until I explode. We also discussed that he felt I try to control him emotionally and that I don't always show him enough respect and appreciation. These are things I've been working on for a while now and until his friend came into the picture, I was doing well with them. However, I let her presence affect my peace and slipped back into my old habits.

We continued working on us and things seemed to be moving in the right direction. He planned a me day for himself to go hiking. I supported him in this and purchased everything he needed for the trip. That day, he seemed odd in the morning. He was distant. I let it go and went on with my day as planned. Then I saw a post from her on a social site saying that she was at some charity event that day, however he friend asked why she wasn't hanging out with her there. I felt sick. He had stopped at a store on the way to the mountain that morning and I had a feeling I would find her car there. I had to know, so I drove that way. What I actually found was my vehicle (he took my car) parked outside a hotel by the store. I sat in the parking lot not knowing what to do. He didn't answer my call, texting me that he didn't have enough service to answer, but that he would head home soon to have a long evening with me. So I sat there, wondering and waiting. A few minutes later, he came outside. He tried to pretend he was alone there and first, but I called him on it and he admitted that she was there. He said she came with him (at the last minute) because he didn't want to be alone and that they did go on the mountain. She came back to the hotel with him and he told her all about our issues and asked her questions about how a divorce worked when children were involved. He was planning on leaving me that night. I poured my heart out to him (after a bit of yelling that I freaking knew it) and told him how much I love him and want him in my life. He said he had felt that I didn't care about him anymore and that's why he was planning on leaving. We talked for a long time, ending up holding hands and then each other. We both cried about how much we had been hurting and shared our feelings and our love. He said that he had made a series of stupid, bad decisions and that he was sorry. He told me he was going to the his stuff, take her to her car and come home. He did and he also told me that she was extremely upset and angry, that she had thought they would be together and that she told him he loved her. He told her he loved me, not her and that they couldn't be anything other than work acquaintances anymore. (For the record, he said there was nothing physical about their relationship and I believe him.)

The next couple of days were full of talking and love, until we had a fight Friday night because she asked him if she could follow him to her new house (in our neighborhood) because she couldn't remember how to get there. He said yes and I was extremely angry. And I exploded in my anger. We were able to work it out, but things were off again.

That weekend he informed me that he loves me, but doesn't like me. He hopes he can like me again and that I can prove I can change. That Monday I called and got an appointment with a counselor. She recommended the Divorce Remedy boom to me and I've been putting it to work. Things were improving slightly, I could seem small positive signs in just a couple of days.

Fast forward a week, he told me he would be giving her (the emotional affair woman) a hug that day because her dad had just told her he has a year to live. I told him that made me uncomfortable, to which he replied "That makes you sound like a horrible person." I told him that I disagreed and got a bit defensive. I told him that I felt for her and that I can't tell him what to do and would not tell him what to do.

Now we've taken a step back, he's pulling away again. He says that he doesn't remember what we're like as a happy couple, but I do. We were there not so long ago. I'm trying to be positive and strong, but my heart is breaking and I feel like we're on our way to a divorce. It's hard to stay strong and be positive. Right now I feel like I'm running on empty and that my marriage is domed. I don't want that. I'm fighting for us, but I don't think he's interested.

Any advice or encouragement would be welcome.

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#2231632 - 03/18/12 08:01 PM Re: Looking for Hope [Re: runningonempty]
Cadet Offline
Member

Registered: 11/24/09
Posts: 4741
Welcome to the board.

He is asking for SPACE, give it to him.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he say and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
_________________________
Me-60, D27,S26

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#2232123 - 03/20/12 03:03 PM Re: Looking for Hope [Re: Cadet]
Rick1963 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/11
Posts: 2446
Loc: Piney Land
^^^
_________________________
M 51
W 50
D 17
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 11/12
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden






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Moderator:  dbmod, Virginia 

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