1.) Really be W's Friend (my best friend ever) - compliment her every day (you look nice, sound happy, radiant) - be consistent in my behavior (agreeable, NO MORE INSULTS EVER) - be loving as possible (show her i care, concerned) - no more talking about R (the old R is dead... we are building new one now) - let her know that i'm here for her and always will be here for her and S2
2.) STOP ALL SNOOPING AND SPYING on W (even though she leaves elsewhere) - email/phone records - no more asking her personal questions (where-abouts) - no R talk with wife's friends
3.) Be really focused on Getting A Life - new furniture (dresser and head board, pictures, and nice clock) - paint the house walls cool color - clean the house somewhat (next level since moving in) - workout 3 times a week - eat big meals (put on the weight i've lost since separation)
What results do I hope to get? - W will not file D at the 6 month mark (Dec.1) - W will initiate a hug once in a while - W will continue to express interest in me (calling at work, at home late night) - Actually go out on a date someday (pipe dream?) - Perhaps watch a movie at my place (or hers - and the earth is flat) - Eat dinner at her place (chickens have lips?)
I have many goals for me. But I have a goal for my W. To sit and tell me everyhting. I get bits and pieces. I love her so much, I tell her all the time. She is incredibly beautiful, i tell her that too. She knows I mean it. I wish she could just sit down with me and tell me why she is unhappy. The last time she dropped the bomb I moved out and 5 weeks later she asked me to come back. This time around she admitted she didn't feel any better when I was gone. I know there is more than me that makes her unhappy, I wish she would tell me what and why. She was adimant that I stay and be her friend. But I think friendship is the prob, I think her unhappiness is due to the fact that we have not really been friends for a while. After she dropped the bomb, we have gotten along greeat. But I miss her still. I love getting along and talking alot, I just wish I could put my arms around her.
Quote: I am guilty of smothering and controlling my W, and she had repeatedly requested time and space. After a few months of my not giving my W the time and space she needed, she moved out last weekend in order to give us both a break.
So my goals are now:
1- Back off and give W time to think. This means no unecessary phone calls. If she calls me, then no "M" talk.
2- As a result of my backing off, I hope that W will eventually call me just to see how I'm doing.
3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood.
6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient.
7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me.
7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted.
8- W will show interest in doing things here at home.
9- W will want to come home.
Hi jwhetnc
I have a similar situation to your but my W has filed for divorce and has been living with her mom for the last 11 days!
I like your goals as they seem to fit what I feel needs to be done in order for my W to return & trust me once again!
I trust it is going well for you as I have not got further in this thread yet, so I wish you success in your DB'ing
Quote: If you are new to the site, you will want to make sure that you have a clear vision of what you're hoping to accomplish. It's not enough to say, "I want to save my marriage." that's not specific enough. I am posting this thread to give you a better idea about what I mean regarding setting solution-oriented goals. Hope this helps. Michele
Briefly, WAH moved out about 2 months ago. Though I am not an angry person or a yeller, I was controlling. Throughout the separation, we have continued to talk -- sometimes I call him and sometimes he calls me. Sometimes we talk about R and sometimes not.
I have let him know that I am aware of the specific behaviors that hurt him, and how I was wrong to treat him that way. I was raised by a very controlling and abusive father, so I was modeling the only marriage dynamic that I knew. I never meant to hurt him, but intent is not what matters, this is the outcome.
Anyway, so now I have this list of behavior modifications that I will make to begin improving the dynamic of our R.
I will become a wife who is the kind of woman that her husband deserves
I will attend counseling once per week
I will keep my word
I will be more firm with my Dad about his boundaries in our marriage
I will make the effort to learn what Jeff’s emotional needs are and develop ways to incorporate them into our daily lives
I will take time to do things I enjoy and not expect Jeffrey to provide all my companionship.
I will create and environment that is safe and comfortable for Jeffrey to express his thoughts and feelings.
There are more, but you get the point.
Here is my question:
Since he felt that I controlled so much of our marriage, I would really like for him to be involved in how to make amends. I would like to have him review my list.
I am not sure if this is going to make him want to come home, but I feel like it may help for me to validate his feelings and show him that I want to stop talking and start acting.
Of course my goal is to save my marriage, but it does go deeper than that.
My longterm goal is to become a better wife. This would include letting go of all the baggage ive been lugging around (IC-start tomorrow). I want to be able to make my husband happy and fulfill all of his needs. I want to lift my husband up at all times without putting him down.
Eventually I hope to have a relationship with my husband which does not involve me nagging for time spent (which I will NEVER do EVER again!!!) because he will actually want to do this on his own. I would love for my husband to love me as much as I love him.
I will no longer nag, whine, complain, or get frustrated. I will be supportive, loving, nurturing, and happy. If I practice being a good wife in turn I will be leading by example and my husband will surely follow suit.
In short, my goal is to become a better person, the person I know I am inside.
Me: 25 H: 25 D: 6 D: 7 S: 16 months old Married: Aug. 5, 2007 Together for 3 years
H says has'nt been "in love" with me for year and a half.
1. Be OKAY with myself and realize that no matter WHAT happens, I will survive. 2. Make sure our children know that they are not at fault. 3. Have her WANT to be around me. 4. Have her realize that I DO have my redeeming qualites. 5. Have her realize that our marriage is worth saving and that we owe it to ourselves to try. more to come later.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
1. I want my H to express some doubt about his decision to divorce (papers already filed). 2. I want H to want to spend more time with the children (and therefore less with OW). 3. I want our interactions to be less strained and more friendly.
These are pretty unambitious goals, but my sitch is not too encouraging.
