The LBS needs to grieve for their loss. I realize everyone is fighting with everything they've got to get their spouse back, as this is what we believe we should be doing. But for those who have successfully gotten back with their MLC spouse, I believe they finally let go and stopped fighting.
What you resist, persists. We give more energy in trying to prevent the thing that we don't want to happen that it actually gives fuel to that which we don't want, and it ends up happening anyways.
If I could go back and do over, I would have let my XW go and make her own discoveries about herself, about the meaning of life, and why we are here.
My actions to control, manipulate and prevent the divorce only led to it happening sooner as my XW felt this was the only way she could get the space she needed.
Our MLC spouses seperate in order to avoid dealing with their emotional pain. When we chase after them and try to pull them back to the relationship, they fight harder and run faster.
Maybe the MLC spouse believes the only way to fully get away from the grasp of their LBS, is to get a divorce? Is it not the reason for them leaving, to get away from the one they feel is the cause of all their pain?
By seperating, they thought they would escape those feelings. When we do the things we do in our attempts to get them to see what they are doing is wrong, they eventually decide that getting the divorce will make them right and feel happy. They tell everyone they were justified in getting the divorce. They make the LBS out to be this awful evil person. Our behaviors add fuel to this belief and others begin to buy into what they are saying if we are not acting with compassion and love.
If I were able to overcome my own insecurities, fear of rejection and abandonment, I might have gotten back together with my XW.
But do to the fact I was doing everything I could think of to fix or change my XW, I simply drove her further away.
If I had focused on healing myself and looked inward to why I had these feelings of rejection, abandonment and feared being left alone. I would have become a strong and healthy person who my XW could have become more attracted to.
My XW was full of her own fears and did not know how to deal with them. She chose to run from dealing with her inner troubles, as that is what made her feel safe.
Her seeing me in pain and angony only made her feel worse and kept her away. She could not take care of herself and needed to go away in order to make herself healthy and whole. By me not focusing on myself and taking care of me, only prevented any chance of us getting back together.
If the LBS really wants to get back together with their MLC spouse, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and work on making yourself healthy and whole.
You have to become someone that has their act together and is a desirable partner. Showing signs of weakness only makes our MLC spouse want to run further away.
They are unhealthy and are not able to take care of themselves at the height of MLC. The LBS begging and pleading for them to return and take care of them only drives them further away.
The LBS does play a role in whether the MLC spouse returns. But first off, you need to grieve the old relationship as it is dead.
The old relationship is over, it has run it's course, and if there is to be a future with your MLC spouse, it will have to be a different relationship than the one you had in the past.
It is hard for the LBS to admit that the old relationship was not working. To the LBS everything was great until the bomb dropped.
Reality is, the realtionship was not working for your MLC spouse, they just didn't tell you it wasn't in a way that you could fully hear and understand.
Looking back, my XW said many things to me that were not working for her. Did I listen? Barely. Did I do anything about what she was saying to me? No. I was to focused on what I wanted and trying to get my needs met outside our marriage through my business and the associations I was involved in. The affairs I had was about trying to get my emotional needs met. I was not there for her when I was off trying to get my needs met.
Understanding what our spouses needs are and then trying to meet those needs is one of the keys to a happy marriage. Understanding what are own needs are and sharing that information with our spouse is also critical to a happy marriage.
MY XW and I were not meeting each others needs. Why? First off, we weren't sure what they were. We assumed what we thought were each others needs, but unfortunately, we were only guessing and were not doing the things that each of us really needed or expected from each other.
Can any of you LBS list what the needs are of your MLC spouse?
Can any of you LBS list what the needs are of your MLC spouse?
Thanks Paul. I'm having a lot of trouble detaching because I'm still grieving the old relationship and not moving on.
In regards to my wife's needs, I can sum it up in one word: independence. We began dating when she was 21 and living at home with her folks. She had one other 'serious' relationship before us, but he was 29 and she was 18 at the time when they moved in together. It wasn't a healthy relationship either.
She had never lived on her own or was in complete control of her finances. There was even a point, in the beginning of our relationship, where I broke up with her because I saw that she hadn't really been on her own and I didn't want to prevent her from experiencing that. But six weeks (and a lot of phone calls) later, we got back together since she implied that didn't matter to her.
Over the course of the last eight years, I've steadily taken on the financial role of the relationship, paying the bills, figuring out our savings, etc. She never complained about this, mostly because she doesn't like the math aspect. So, it started being more of me telling her how much money we would have to spend and she really had no idea what was going on.
Take that and tie it a MLC where she's got new friends that are five years younger and like to go out drinking regularly, and she started pining for the freedom of single life. This brings us to our current situation. She moved out into friend's house, living her freedom, but I'm still handling all the finances. I'm preparing to change this, however, with re-financing our home mortgage under just my name and getting our joint accounts separated so she can start her own financial freedom.
When (PMA) she comes back, I intend on bringing her into the financial side of the marriage a lot more so she feels like a partner instead of a employee. I just hope that she will want to work with the finances since she was always happy to just dump the receipts on me and let me do the math...
"I made the wall of shadow draw back, beyond desire and act, I walked on.
Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost, I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you."
*Disclaimer* It has taken me several hours to write this so if it seems like I am rambling or the trains of thought sort of trail off, please forgive me.
Hi Paul and everybody ,
I always love your posts. If I could just chime in for a bit … I agree completely with what you have written. Having gone through MLC I do know that I was running away. I thought that getting a d was exactly what I wanted… All of the begging and pleading that H did in fact made him seem weak and that was just the reason why I was running. SILLY ME. The problems were inside of me all along.
Anyway, once they prayed me out (the they being my SIL and friends) of MLC, H was gone and he had had it with me. He said that we were married too young, that he did not love me any more… you know the drill. He was not in the “stand” for nearly as long as I have been. I did the exact wrong thing… I begged and pleaded and pushed him further into what now seems to be his own private MLC. Ah, now that is love- huh?
Now I am trying out how to move forward without him because he really does seem so very content without me. He has filled his life with new friends and new activities… Much like I did. He leaves me out of everything to do with his new life. Much like I did to him. He says that he is done. Much like I did. So, in a nutshell I am trying to figure out what next for me as he undoubtedly did while I was in la la land. MLC is a peculiar thing … When in MLC you really think that E V E R Y T H I N G was wrong with your M so why would you try to save it ? As you said somewhere on here… the old M is dead. We were not meeting each other’s needs.
The very best thing that the LBS can do as you said is to become stronger. I think many here from the stories that I have read now see their MLCer surrounding themselves with unsavory or less stable people, people that are so very different than the MLCer that we once knew as our beloved H or W. So, in my opinion it would be a good thing to keep on keeping on because they do see what we are doing even if they are not able to acknowledge or accept it. Hard to put into practice but certainly worth trying.
In hindsight, I can see and hear the things that my H said I needed to change or where his needs were not being met except I was so caught up in myself or the kids that I missed the most precious clues. This is how we landed here in la la land. But, hindsight is always 20/20, right? I also believe that MLC is a sort of spiritual awakening.
In the meanwhile, I am sitting by while I watch my H try to erase me from his memory banks and it hurts but what can I do to change it other than work on myself and make things better for me and my kids? Funny, we all went to the movies on Monday nite and at one point in the movie the main character said ,”We got married young.” and my H went out of his way to clear his throat at that very minute. It was obvious to me at that moment that he is still in the anger stage even though he saved a seat for me next to him at the theater. These days, I take his mixed signals as somewhat good sign that deep down inside he is part human instead of full fledged alien. A sign that I might still be in the game, but I admit that I do not hold onto those thoughts as deeply or tightly as I used to with baded breath.
Once in awhile he will say that he misses me but I am growing a bit weary and jaded of that too as his actions do not say anything other than he is still stuck on and in himself. Nowadays I view any niceness from him as his guilt or trying in some way to keep one foot over the threshold while he is enjoying being out in the front yard. I have been contemplating moving further away from him to combat some of these tactics. I have placed him in the hands of the Almighty while moving myself out of his path. A recent 180 for me was not to call him once while he was away last weekend, not to call him once while he was away on business these past few days. I gave him a card for V day but it was not a V day card. He has the kids V Day cards on display at his mother’s. Mine was read but is still in the gift bag.
As for my H’s needs, now I can see them clearly … Intimacy and spontaneity, my confidence and belief in him as a man, financial stability, kindness and compassion, prioritizing him and our family first, gifts and feeling appreciated, learning and doing new things together and accepting his love of motorcycles. Hindsight is always 20/20.
I should go and find my thread and add some thoughts there about MLC…
Thank you, Paul. I enjoyed reading what you said about our souls. I have that same feeling about our journey through this life. I do agree with your ssessment of the MLC person. I have grieved the loss of the wonderful sensitive caring man that was once my H. Maybe he will return to that person. I do pray that he will whether he returns to our home or not. It saddens me to think that this the way he will be from now on.
Thank you for your kind words regarding H "getting it".
Everything happens for a reason, maybe Dad needs to find that it isn't better out there, he needs to realize how good he had it here. Maybe he will find God and that is the most important thing when he finds Him he will know he is supposed to come home.
It takes faith and the belief in all possibilities to move forward.
None of us know what the future holds. But with faith, and an understanding that all things work out in the end. Things may not turn out the way we expect them to, but they will be okay.
If what we desire is love in our life. We will have all the love we want, if we simply give it freely, with no strings attached.
If our love towards others is conditional, than the love we recieve will be conditional. As we give, therefore we recieve.
What we project towards others is what comes back to us. Simply, what goes around comes around.
When our MLC spouses behave the way they do, we tend to withold our love for them. We do this in an attempt to get them to stop their bad behavior.
By witholding our love for our MLC spouse or giving it with conditions, we in return, don't get love returned from them.
Grieving our former marriage is a process. I still grieve the loss of what used to be.
After being married to my XW for 26 years it was extremely difficult to let go of what had become so familiar. I had spent over half my life with her. To some extent, I was losing a part of myself.
Grieving can be a long extended process. And that's okay, as their is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all just need to grieve well and fully feel all the emotions we're experiencing.
Your wife sounds very similar to my XW. She went from living with her parents at 18 to being married. She didn't learn to be responsible on her own.
My XW started hanging out with much younger friends and went to the bar to hang out. She even invited my daughter to the bar so she could introduce her to my XW's new friends and try to find my daughter a boyfriend.
My XW also wanted her freedom. It was as if she felt like she had been in prison for 26 years and finally got parroled..
The way she was behaving, it was as if she had been released from the insane asilum to soon.
She has returned to a more normal state according to my children.
Chime in more and often. You have so much to offer.
Laying in bed this morning at about 5 am thinking, which I often do, I had a thought. During this quite time is when I get many of my best enlightening thoughts.
Everhopeful, you were a former MLC person. I was wondering if you struggled before that time with the inalability to say NO, to people you were afraid would reject you, resent you, withold their love for you and even abandon you? Were you afraid to dissapoint people?
I have a sense that a commom thread that runs through MLC individuals is there difficulty with telling people NO. It is my belief that people who go into MLC are strong pleaser types.
They want everyone to accept them, like them, love them and actually fear dissapointing others. It is probably such that they felt as if they dissapointed one or both of their parents growing up. They felt as if they could never measure up to their parents expectations of them.
The MLC persons FEAR is what prevents them from saying the word NO.
A common thread that runs through MLC spouses is low self esteem. A MLC person feels as if they have no worth, they feel as if they are not needed, taken for granted and not valued for what they have given.
They resent that they have given more of themselves than is humanly possible. Finally, they say enough, NO MORE. Then as we know the MLC journey begins.
I too have struggled with saying NO. Growing up I didn't want to hurt my mothers feelings by saying no because I felt she would withold her love for me if I did.
My mom's love was conditional. I grewup feeling that I could not meet my mothers expectations of me and resented it. At least at some conscious level. At the time, I wasn't aware that what I was feeling was in fact resentment and probably anger that I supressed.
Growing up, life was a daily struggle with trying to please my mom, and sometimes my dad, to which I felt no matter what I did, they would find fault with it. Compliments on what I did or achieved were few and far between.
It seemed as if for every one compliment, I got two "that's not good enough" type comments directed at me. I became to believe that "I was not good enough."
Can you remember what your childhood was like?
Have you been a pleaser person?
Did you fear letting people down by saying NO?
You said; "I also believe that MLC is a sort of Spiritual Awakening."
That is my belief as well.
It is my belief that MLC is highly connected to our spirit, or our soul. Whatever you choose to call the energy that is within you that is connected to a Higher Power, or God.
MLC may eventually be understood as a natural process of human development. At this time, we believe that what is taking place is abnomrnal. The truth may be that this is how our Soul is suppose to remmebr that which it already knows.
MLC may become known as the development of the soul. My belief is that it is about "authentic power" the alignment of the personality with the Soul.
Our MLC spouses are trying to be who they really are. They have always tried to be what others thought they should be. They lived their life to everyone elses expectations of them. Their parents and their spouses.
Now at midlife, it's time for them to really discover who they are, and who they are not. This process is very ugly and scary to the outside observer. Especially the LBS.
I'm begining to feel that everything that I share on this board comes from outside of me and within me at the same time. How can that be? Because I was created by my Higher Power and am still connected to Him. My Higher Power and me are one. He is around me and in me at the same time.
My time here on Earth is to experience the things that I need to learn, or maybe remember that which has already been given to me.
If God has given us all the physical, mental and emotional tools to function as human beings. Couldn't it also be possible that He has given us spiritual tools for our soul to use also. Could these "tools" already be inside of us?
We are born already hardwired. Our brain, skeletal structure, muscle structure, blood system, respiratory system, digestive system, nerve system is all connected and pre-programed to work magically. We do not have to learn how to breath. We do not have to learn how to move our muscles. We do not have to learn how to make our blood flow throughout our body, travel through our lungs to get oxygen, travel through our stomoach to get nourishment, travel through our liver to cleanse itself.
Everything that happens physically happens naturally.
God has given us the ability to have FREE WILL. That allows us to think and make choices on our own. By having free will, we learn the lessons that we came here to learn.
Each of us make choices, whether consciously or subconsciously that bring about reactions and create our future. Both good and bad. What we do in the present moment, will be reflected back to us in the future.
What goes around comes around. There are no right or wrong choices, only consequences. There are no "mistakes," only learning opportunities.
We make choices, we have experiences, we learn to make the same choices or choose to make different choices in the future. It is all within our power of FREE WILL.
What we don't realize is that time and space is different than what we believe it is. Our human belief, at least for the majority, is that there is great space between things. Such as planets within the Universe. The truth is that everything and everybody is connected. The common thread that runs through all of us and all things that exist is ENERGY. God is energy and so is love. God and love are one in the same.
We also believe that time exists in the past and the future. When the truth is that time exists only in this moment. The past is gone and the future is not here yet.
Everything that is happening is happening to all of us at the same time. How can this be? Because we are all connected to each other as we all have the same Creator. What happens to you is also happening to me.
What we believe is that things happen to us. The truth is, things happen for us. How else are we going to learn if we do not have the experiences we have. So what is happening for you is also happening for me.
Would I have become the person I am today if I had not had the childhood experiences I did? Would I have come to understand all that I know, or maybe remembered, about MLC and "life lessons" if I had not gone through it myself and then eventually experienced my XW's MLC from the other side of the fence?
All of these experiences have led to the person I have become. My life journey, even though it seemed painful at the time, were acutally blessings in disquise(sp?)
Maybe I was always the person I am today and just didn't know it. Is the rose always a rose even when it is not in full bloom? Is the Sun still the Sun and full of energy and life even when it is not present at night?
Maybe what I am becoming was always within me and only needed to be uncovered. Maybe our full beauty is unfolding before our very eyes and we are evolving into something far more beautiful than we have ever imagened or thought possible?
I believe in all possibilities. Why? Because I have come to witness and understand things at a much higher level of consciousness that I never knew existed before.
As I evolve, I believe I will see even more things that I can not see at this moment. Maybe I will begin to see things with greater clarity and a much deeper understanding than I have at this moment and will move closer to peace, harmony and full unconditional love.
Well for now, I need to live in the moment. For that is all there is and will ever be.
Love, Paul
Today, I am thankful for the experiences I have had. Well, maybe not totally thankful, as I still have issues with the past. Bit I'm working on them.
What I want to say is that things may not be as they appear. There is probably something very different taking place at this moment in time that you are experiencing. It is something that is beyond the physical realm. It is the non-physical reality that exists and is present every moement of every day.
Everhopeful, can you feel that non-physical presence in your life?
Paul, my W has asked for a D repeatedly through out this whole thing. I have told her to go get one until this week. I have decided to take the intitive and do this myself. I think if that is what she wants, I should give it to her, perhaps by doing so it will help her see what she has lost. If it doesn't, then its for the best anyway. What are your thoughts and opinions on this?
I enjoyed reading your post. You speak as an awakened one. How long have you been connected with your spiritual being?
I first came here in 1999, I was full of fear and doubt. My XW's announcement that she wanted a seperation turned my world upside down. To me, it felt like the beginning of a slow death.
While in Church yesterday during our Pastors sermon, tears flowed down my cheek. What she had said struck a nerve inside of me and I felt very sad.
I spoke to my wife last night about my feelings while laying in bed. My wife lost her husband to cancer in 1997. It has been 10 years since his passing, and he is talked about amongst her children, my children and us with great love and appreciation for who he was. He was not a saint, but he was very well like and admired.
The point I'm trying to make is that with death, we openly talk about the spouse who has passed on with our children and family. With divorce, we avoid talking about the other spouse freely and with love and admiration. It seems at times it is almost taboo to broach the subject.
I think my children don't want to talk about their mom in my presence as they feel it my upset me. They may also feel it would be disrespectful to their mom to discuss things about her with me, the person she has so much anger and resentment towards.
We seem to live in this world where if we don't talk about it, everything will be allright. We supress our feelings and don't share them with one another. This simply leads to more ill feelings inside that we push down and bury in ourselves.
My children will quite possibly go through the same experiences with their marriage partners that their mother and I did. It's what they learned. What is learned is often played out in life.
All of us come to this board as we feel it is a safe place to share our inner most feelings. We tell each other things here that we are in great fear of sharing with those closest to us.
Why? Because of our own fear of rejection and possible abandonment. We to supress our emotional pain, just like our MLC spouse has done throughout their life.
All of us are wired to have affairs and a MLC. It is within each of us as we all have the same Creator.
There are a number of people who I have spoken with who felt that there was no way they could ever have an affair. It was their belief that having an affair was immoral and the worst thing a person could do. This is what all of them said, after they had had an affair.
Many people here believe there is no way they could ever do what their MLC spouse is doing. Yet, there will be some of you who will eventually experience your own MLC, if you haven;t already.
My XW told me, "how could you do this to me" when I told her about my many affairs. She felt that if I really loved her, I would have not done these awful things.
Well, my XW eventually had her own affairs. I'm not sure if they were physical affairs, but my belief is that there is not much difference between the two other than having sex.
An affair is still about one spouse spending time and energy with another person who they are attracted to, which takes away from the time and energy available for the spouse they are married to.
When I told my XW that they were one in the same during our seperation, she had this look of shock on her face. It was as if she was thinking, that can't be possible. If they are the same, than I am no different than you.
She is still in denial of this as far as I know. She has told my children that she met the man she is living with after we were seperated. This is not the truth.
The MLC spouse does live in their own distorted world. What they believe is their reality, even if we have a different reality.
