Just reading your thread. I am located under the same forum under the thread "I'm thinking of leaving." Your wife sounds like my wife. Maybe they are sisters. It has to be her way or the highway. I too have gotten fed up with her attitude. If I do something wrong or make an honest mistake because I am human and we all make mistakes, she yells and curses at me worse then a truck driver in front of my two young children. If she makes a mistake where someone pointed out something to her, she still treats me the same way. I could go on and on with this but the only advice I can give you is to pray and pray as often as you can.
Thanks Conty, My W is much more subtle, no screaming or yelling. She likes to make snide, sarcastic remarks, ignore me when I speak, walk away during a conversation, never inquire about anything to do with me and my life, huff and puff and sigh when I make mistakes (or what she percieves as a mistake), never show appreciation...I could go on and on too BUT what for? She's a mean, angry person right now and I'm a regular target. I guess better me than the kids! That's what I've always told myself. I've often thrown myself on the verbal grenade just to spare my kids! Bottom line is that it is not a healthy way to live. My kids watch her and learn from her. What are they learning about R's? What are they learning about the way a W should treat her H? That concerns me. My girls are good, caring people and I want them to stay that way. How long do I sit here, feeling hope is gone and taking her emotionally abusive crap? And yes, it is abusive when you continually treat someone else like a sub human, striking out at them due to your own unhappiness. The sad thing is she knows this is what she is like but won't do anything about it! It's as though she feels so overwhelmed and helpless in dealing with it that she just gives up. How sad is that. I think the end is fast approaching my friend. I can't see any way to continue like this much longer BUT the good thing about life is that we can never see what is approaching around the next bend, maybe even something good is coming! Who knows. Thanks for dropping by neighbour!!!
I am the only one who feels my W has issues of her own that have nothing to do with me. Even our therapist said this to me in private when we went to MC. However, my W would go once, maybe 2 times in the 3 attempts to understand each other. She wanted the marriage to work, but she wanted me to make all the changes. She felt she didn't have to work on herself what-so-ever. I too feel that I have to stay for my children's sake because if I am not the target, then they will be.
According to my wife and her family, my wife is the martyr to live with someone like me. The funny part is, around her family, me wife never shows her true colors of how abusive she can be so they never see it. My family has seen it several times.
I go through my ups and downs but lets not give up the ship just yet. That is the easy way out and I lost count on how many times I would rather just give up. Keep praying though for strength. CY
Thanks CY. I've moved myself out of the basement. I'm not spending another night somewhere I hate sleeping! I'm going back to my bed, in my room. She can move to the basement if she wants to, she actually likes sleeping down there (probably makes her feel closer to the dark side). I'm not fighting a war on her terms and that's what I've been doing. Time for a ceasefire and some real thinking about options, goals and boundaries. Gotta go, I'm taking D and her friend bowling, should be fun.
her putting blunt questions to me "what is happening with this..." She then informed me that "I left those forms on the table for you to sign days ago" in a snarky manner and I replied "I would have to be told that those forms were there for me to sign before knowing I'm to do that, wouldn't I" and she replied "I'm telling you now" then I walked away. Bitch!
Your reply could be - 'I am sorry, I didn't realize you had left the forms for me. I will look them over now that I am aware they are there for me. Thank you.'
Did you really know the forms were not on the table for you? were you playing into her game? she didn't tell you about them so you wouldn't acknowledge it? This would have been your opportunity to play offense. You could have taken care of the forms, and then mention to her 'I found the forms you left on the table for me, thank you. I took care of it for you, it's all handled now.'
When I read you were moving to the basement, I was going to caution about acting too soon while you were still in anger mode. Now YOU are suffering the effects of YOUR anger while SHE is still in the comfy bed. What's your plan to rectify this?
Maybe you really have reached your limit and it's time to move on. Choose your plan carefully, not while you are reacting to recent events. 24 hour rule, no regrets.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi WCW, I honestly did not know the forms were for me to sign. It was an information sheet and permission form for a day trip my D is going on this week. I read the information and saw W had signed but did not realize I was to sign it too. So, no I wasn't playing games. I did respond defensively to her because I'm tired of just saying "Oh, I didn't realize, I'll do that right now" kind of responses. I've gone the nice, caring hubby route and ignoring her tone etc much of the time so I need a new strategy. I believe I will call her on things rather than pass them by or get defensive. Is there a nice way to say "could you please use a different tone"? I'm serious. I want her to be aware that her verbal abuse is noticed and will not be tolerated...but politely. For too long I got into the habit of justifying her bad behaviour by saying "she's under alot of stress" or "she's depressed" but as the years go by it just continues. I do believe she is depressed, she has been on AD's before but refuses to take them now. She won't go for counselling and I've asked her to please do so, for herself not for me or the R, again, she refuses. She's a very angry and unhappy woman. I can only start to set up consistent boundaries, hold my temper and really consider whether this remains a healthy environment for myself or my kids. It's time for a counselling appt. for me. I think.
How was bowling? BR dance is tonight? I was thinking that was Wednesday, where have I been?
You're sure right to set boundaries along the theory of if what you're doing isn't working then change it. Easy to say, tougher to do. The obvious is to let her know what you just said,
Quote:
I want her to be aware that her verbal abuse is noticed and will not be tolerated
Say it once, then actions speak louder than words. Tell her once, then walk away and do not respond to her verbal abuse. It will get worse before it gets better, but right now you are rewarding her bad behavior.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Bowling was fun, glow in the dark bowling. Last game my D's friend was leading by a pointin the last frame so I decided to try and get one pin and botch the rest so she'd win but not make it too obvious. I ended up getting two strikes in a row, so much for good intentions. What happened there was I kind of relaxed and wasn't looking for a strike, figuring I'd gutter or something, and then bang two strikes in a row. I need to do that in my sitch right now, stop looking to make things happen and let go. Set my goals like being assertive when she's rude and go from there. This is too friggin exhausting!
I've just been thinking about something I said when W first told me of her A. She told me how amazed she was that I wasn't yelling and screaming at her. What I said was "I won't let you turn me into someone I do not want to be". I think that has relevence to what is happening right now. I'm choosing to allow her rude and angry behaviour to turn me into an angry, vindictive person. It stops here and now. I will continue to be a person I can be proud of. If I call it quits, it will be done in that manner.
We just got back from BR dance. I was Mr. PMA tonight! Happy, bubbly, outgoing and funny (at least I thought so). I was excited because D9 was going with us to watch. It really lifted my spirits to know she was going to see us in action. I think she played gameboy the whole time! W was really trying to hold back the snark, I could tell. Only one or two minor slips, I'll give her those. At one point she looked at me, during a Cha Cha and asked "Do you have any idea what your are doing?" and I replied "absolutely none". She smirked trying to hold back a chuckle. I decided tonight I was going to have fun, and what she did was up to her. On the way, I was joking with D about how she'll never want to see Dancing With The Stars again after watching us dance and D asked W "is he always this annoying on the way to dance class?" W found that pretty funny (who would of thought!). I was rather tense about this earlier in the day, I mean do I want to even go with her? I decided that I was proud of what I have accomplished on that floor and I'm not letting her take that away from me by not going. We have the opportunity to attend six more classes after this session. I will ask her soon whether she wants to, I will point out that I often seem to irritate her and if that is the case then why continue. If she is enjoying herself then I will register us, it's up to her. So that's it from the dancefloor tonight Dbers. BTW I'm back in my bed tonight, maybe I'll get a decent nights sleep!
