I ended up calling my husband on the 23rd. He said, "Hey" like he would to a buddy and then said "Hey" again with a lot of warmth and happiness when he realized it was me.
He didn't mention my birthday, but the first words out of his mouth were..."I got you a Christmas present." Apparently he's made me something. I don't know what it could be, but whatever he's made is a treasure. He's never made me anything before.
He and I have talked a couple of times before he left for the holiday week with his family. Each and every time he said that he loves me before we hung up.
He talked like he's committed to our marriage again. Gone are the words about not wanting to give me false hope or not knowing what he wants.
So, I guess I'm pretty confused. He apparently didn't even realize that he missed my birthday. He's still talking pretty to me. I plan on waiting and seeing what actions he takes as far moving to my town and getting a job here, now that the holidays are over. I haven't heard from him since the 25th, since he's been out of town with his family. I think he's back in his town today, but I'm not sure. I don't remember what day he said he'd be back.
However, the biggest thing is that I've been worried about how I'd make it through the holidays since Christmas day last year, he told me that he wanted out of our marriage and I landed myself in the hospital for doing something stupid. And I have to say, I'm in a much better frame of mind, I've conquered my depression. (Not that I'm not scared of backsliding..but I really have conquered it!) I've lost 40 pounds and am back on my diet, back on track with my finances.
I've come such a long way since Christmas last year. I had a pleasant holiday season without my husband by my side. I've decreased my zoloft prescription again...only 3 more steps and I'll be drug free! Woo hoo!
Of course, to compensate, I'm making sure to do more of what works...exercise and taking flax oil pills...I've noticed a definite improvement in my feeling of well being when I take the recommended daily dose of these essential fatty acids.
I realize that I need to continue to focus on improving my life and my health, physical, mental and spiritual. I need to keep doing the things that contribute to my overall feeling of well-being.
I am still putting too much focus on my relationship with my husband.
My new years resolution:
To continue to increase my focus on myself and the positive changes I'm making in my life.
To achieve my weight loss goal by continuing to lose from 1 to 2 pounds a week.
To continue to decrease my Zoloft prescription (with Doctors assistance of course!) by 25 mcg (or whatever the dosage abbreviation is )
To exercise at least 4 times a week for at least 20 min.
Spoke to my husband today. He received the present I had made for him. And he talked about the presents I had made for his brothers. I had been so nervous because I was making a bunch of guys a home made present each. But apparently the presents were a big hit!
I made a small sign for each of them with their name and a small picture. Apparently the soccer ball was the favorite of all.
So, I'm really happy about that.
The other good thing is half way into our conversation, my husband said "I love you" in his goofy, mushy, sweet voice. This wasn't even a goodbye "I love you" but just a spontaneous one.
How cool is that?
Now if only he'd hurry up, get a new job and move to my town so that we can live together again.
I called him as I was leaving work yesterday. He sounded like an alien. I asked him if he wanted to get together over the weekend and he said that he wanted to just hide from the entire world.
Him telling me that is a first.
I asked him what was wrong and he said that he hadn't had a moment to himself in the past 2 weeks.
I said, "Well, do what you gotta do." And I was matter of fact, not whining.
He then responded, "Well, maybe, we'll see, maybe I'm just in a bad mood right now."
So, different response from me DID lead to a different response from him.
So that part was good.
However, I'm afraid that his alien reared it's ugly head because I called him that third time.
I know why I do it. If we have a good conversation and he talks to me lovingly, I want more. Who wouldn't? But in coming back for more, I put pressure on him. He feels like I'm demanding his attention, which, I am. And I've already seen the best results when I don't ask him for ANYTHING.
So, calling him more than once translates to asking him. Therefore, I'll try to only call him once a week, thurs mornings. That way, he knows when I'm calling. I set up a stable routine and perhaps by making my call predictable, I'll relieve some of that pressure. And that way, I can keep myself from calling too much by knowing that I will call him and when. It'll give me something to look forward to.
I'll see how that works. Course, since it's only once a week, it'll take a while to find out the results.
Anyone else tried this? What were the results? Was this stability good?
I called up my husband again to ask him about our tax returns for the past 2 years...
We talked about that, he was being sweet with me again...alien vanished.
I asked him if he had told anyone in his family that we were getting back together. He said he hadn't and that he wanted to wait until he was actually moving to my town. Oh, and he said he had looked at some jobs in my town and applied for them. Woo hoo!!!
Ok, so he said he wanted to be moving to my town before telling his family because he dreads hearing his mother lecture. He said that he doesn't know why she doesn't like me, but that he justs has a feeling that she'll be against our getting back together.
I asked if that would create problems in our relationship, would he feel like I was causing problems. He said not to worry about that. That he knows this is her problem/issue but his choice and his life.
I do like your approach going about trying to find the 180's that will work to draw you closer. Very creative and looking for all the different variations of a 180. I have no doubt you will find the right combination.
My husband and I had a date scheduled for Sunday. It didn't happen because he wanted to use Sunday as his catch up day from the holidays. Basically doing laundry and other mundane but neccesary things.
Well, my feelings were hurt. I felt like I should come first, ahead of such mundane everyday things.
But, as I thought about it, I realized that I had slacked off on doing those little chores. And that I had started daydreaming about where our relationship was going and letting all other areas of my life fall by the wayside.
And this has been something that has cropped up over and over again in my relationship. And I believe it would be my problem no matter whom I'm with.
From what I can tell, when things are going well in my relationship with my husband, I begin daydreaming. I get so happy, that I stop doing the chores I know I need to do to maintain my PMA. Waking up every day and making up my bed first thing is a little chore, but it gives me a high PMA.
Well, when I stop doing those little things, I start resenting my husband because I've put him first, why doesn't he put me first. However, objectively, I'm a much happier person and a better friend when I work first, play later.
The problem for me, is that I am afraid that I need a little bit of pain to help me stay on track. It seems like only when our relationship is going through a rough patch do I remember to focus on doing the chores that boost my PMA and help my life run smoothly.
Now, ideally, I want to have the best relationship I can and the best life I can. And I know I can have both.
I need to figure out how to maintain my focus on my day to day life when my relationship is going well.
There are lots of little things that boost my PMA. I like working on small Plastic Canvas projects. I feel great when I'm finished, I feel accomplished. And these little projects make great gifts and so, I'm happy also because I've made someone else happy.
My PMA takes a huge jump when I do some form of exercise in the morning.
When I focus on my school work and improving my work at my job, my PMA stays high.
So, I have plenty of things to focus on.
Now, I have to figure out how to stay focused on these when I want to start daydreaming.
In order to have the best relationship with my husband that I can, I need to focus on these other things as well. By focusing on these other areas of my life, I give my husband the gift of a happy, positive wife.
I've been thinking about what you said. It seems like you are saying that the 180 thing is a matter of trying different things and observing what works. And then to keep doing that. And then to keep adding on other things that work.
I guess this is something that I've not really thought about conciously. This is a process, and I'm looking for a combination of things that work , rather than the 'one' thing. When I hit the right combination the vault will open.
Quoting PhoenixNTraining: I need to figure out how to maintain my focus on my day to day life when my relationship is going well.
The essence of DBing is to develop an awareness foremost in your mind to do basically just what you said. So what I find that works, is when I wake up each morning is to ask, "Self, what can I do to make today better than yesterday?" (Please excuse the cheap Emeril impersonation) ... to which you can answer, "To jumpstart my PMA." Of coarse, the next question that follows is, "What can I do today to jumpstart my PMA?" The answer to which will give you your objective for the day to focus on.
Quote: I've been thinking about what you said. It seems like you are saying that the 180 thing is a matter of trying different things and observing what works. And then to keep doing that. And then to keep adding on other things that work.
I guess this is something that I've not really thought about conciously. This is a process, and I'm looking for a combination of things that work , rather than the 'one' thing. When I hit the right combination the vault will open.
That's the gist of it ... The purpose of the 180 is to stop doing what pulls you apart and to find what draws you together. It is easier to identify what hasn't worked during the duration of the M, and start doing the opposite to break the pattern. After achieve this, then it is a matter of finding new things you weren't doing before that work to draw you together and doing more of it. The more you find that works, the more you strengthen the bond between you.
I'm impressed -- you've really caught on to "what works" and are making it happen. Wow. I am jazzed by your attitude.
It's all true for me, too. Take to heart the natural, casual ILYs. Yesterday my H teased me for being lazy -- like he'd taunt a buddy -- and I gave him some sass back -- like I'd sass my girlfriend -- and for the first time we didn't tense up and mis-react. We lounged some more. We've both been revelling in our recovery.
I'm glad "it is written" (DB, DR and marriagebuilders.com) that spending time together is primary. We've always been happier when we take a chunk of time every day to just hang out.
Of course, how do you manage this and also _______ fill in blank? (care for family/work/shop/clean/socialize/learn/direct the movie/dance...)
I'm deeply amazed and grateful my R with my H is recovering. And I'm so happy for you and your H, as well!
It's cool-as-a-moose to be able to build "a new R" on a 17-year history of connection and shared life, rather than to have to start over, broken.
Will keep listening in for more great news & inspiration from you.
Cheers,
Bridget
when you
I love reading your posts here, they are resonating with me.
I had worries similar to yours about the holidays (last year estranged) but with discipline and giving each other the benefit of the doubt we did fine.
I'm also having breakthroughs similar to yours (winky smiley face here). You wrote beautifully about how you can help your own PMA with activities. I'm writing (in lipstick on my big mirror) "jump up and dance, grrrlll!" so I remember to also get more exercise.
I think just hitting the "refresh" button on the year offers me a chance to clean the screen to work with.
Something that happens with my husband and I alot.
And it causes great strain.
I'll ask him to do something. He'll say, "No," and give me some excuse that in essence says I'd do it, but I can't because of this...but I really WANT to do it. Whatever the it is at the time.
So, then I, believing that he does really want to do it, do what I can to make it happen despite the obstacles in his path.
And then of course, he gets mad because he feels like I'm pressuring him when he clearly said, No.
Well, it finally hit me yesterday. I have a friend who handles things this way. What she really means is, "Flat out, no way, not going to happen, but I don't wanna hurt your feelings."
It didn't occur to me until yesterday that my husband of all people would be being polite with me.
But, that must be what he's doing, because otherwise, the situation doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
He'll ask me why when he said no, clearly, that I keep pressuring him. From my end, I didn't think he'd said no, but rather I'd love to, but I have these obstacles.
I guess what might have helped me realize this earlier, is if I could figure out a way to overcome those obstacles, then so could he. And the fact that he wasn't, meant that they were't really obstacles, but just handy excuses.
I guess the fog is clearing in my brain, cause I finally realized that this is what is happening.
So, now I need to know/remember that when he says no, whatever comes after that no, to ignore and to focus on the no.
)
The purpose of the 180 is to stop doing what pulls you apart and to find what draws you together. It is easier to identify what hasn't worked during the duration of the M, and start doing the opposite to break the pattern. After achieve this, then it is a matter of finding new things you weren't doing before that work to draw you together and doing more of it. The more you find that works, the more you strengthen the bond between you.