OK, just a few outside comments on your goals. On #1 what is she going to do to let you know that this goal has been accomplished (pretty broad statement)? Think in small baby steps, like what is the first sign or action she will do to let you know you are making progress? If you set to lofty a goal it will appear like you are never making any progress.
Again #2 is a pretty broad statement. Does this mean that if you and wife aren't talking, but living under the same roof that this goal has been accomplished? Be more specific and don't think so big. Like maybe, W comes over for dinner on her own 1 night in the next 2 weeks.
The same goes for the other ones. Make them small short term goals to see if you are making DB progress, and be specific.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
1: Continue to GAL. I have been pretty sucessful so far. 2: try to be as good a friend to my WAW as possible. The last two weeks I have been doing really well. She now calls me instead of the other way around. 3: continue to be a good father and help my kids through this as best I can. 4:Get her to the point she takes D off the table as an option. That means intense concentration on DBing and not backsliding. 5: Continue to not ingage in any fighting or critisism of W. 6: Continue to take control of the parts of my life that were always my W's responsability. IE: paying bills, handling other financial matters. 7: continue to make my 180's a permanent part of who I am and not just how I feel right now.
1. I will work on myself instead of waiting for H to pay attention to me.
I will do this by: *GAL: Join a writer's group, go to yoga, take surfing lessons, do activities I enjoy. *Continuing to exercise and eat well to tone up into a healthy, hot bod! *Wear clothing that plays to my strengths and makes me feel good about myself. *Let go of attachment and be happy with myself *Make friends in my new city via my new activities
2. I will embrace my new, compassionate attitude and share it with everyone around me.
I can do this by: *Smiling at people around me. *Not talking H's behavior personally. *Being loving, considerate, and consistent *Focusing on what I need to be happy *Maintaining control of my actions
Are these better?
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Never criticize her again and don't talk about love…show it, focus on my behavior, not hers Continue to work on myself, find happiness and spend more time with friends; continue to GAL! Be a true friend to my wife, listen without interrupting and only give advice when asked We take dancing lessons together, go to dinner (I've scheduled it…don’t know if she'll go) Enjoy an evening together, she kisses me, shows some passion/romance Some day, make love/stay in the same bed…I move back into our bedroom I can tell her I love you without her saying, "you don't really love me…we were never good together" We go to good solutions based counselor that helps us communicate better…she gets rid of her therapist (that sanctioned divorce) We can disagree and solve our problems through sensible compromise, not harbor resentment and anger She feels good enough about our relationship to put divorce on hold We enjoy a family dinner/evening together with our boys…laugh and enjoy each other's company without tension Go for a walk, hold hands, fall asleep in the same bed after a good night kiss, without making love (she thinks I can't do that without resenting her) I show support for her work…and make time to help her do what she needs to do at work…take care of/feed kids, laundry, etc. At least once a week, we go out to dinner, party or event out of the house She shows me respect for my choice of career (own business) and is supportive I take over cooking meals on at least 3 nights/week to give her a break I spend evenings with my wife, incl. watching tv together, reading together, instead of burying myself in my work/laptop We agree on a household budget (this is constant issue with us, how much money we spend and where) We partner on remodeling our house (bathrooms, garage, etc.) or move together back to the West Coast I plan our next vacation (so she doesn't have to) Smile often (bought a smile rock I keep in my pocket as a reminder) and take time during the day to realize how lucky we are
My situation...
David Me-46, Ex-46, S-15, S-17, divorced after 20 years, she filed June '06 Mediated divorce in Feb. 07 50/50 custody
Now I start this all over again, only this time I will stick with the self improvements and if we get back together this time it will be for good because I won't be an illusion to her!!
My ultimate goal is that my H will return home, want to work on OR and no longer want D.
1) H will show signs of affection a)in private b)in public - will hold my hand - will touch me, put his arm around me - will cuddle w me while watching TV and when we rest - will kiss me 2) will call just to see how I am, how my day went & to chat 3)will hint at wanting to work on OR ie. try to save M
I am having a difficult time setting goals. I have left home to give my H time and "space." I wish I had found the Divorce Remedy and this site before I left. I've been gone nearly three weeks. My H and I are talking which is more than we did the first week. Tomorrow we are visiting about finances. His thought is that he should start depositing his check in a separate account and we should divide the bills. I think this is just one step closer to the big D.
My goals: We will have a good conversation and I will not talk about R H will call me to see how I am H will ask me out
I have some goals: H will call me from work to ask how my day is going. H will ask me to go out to dinner without S. H will say ILY first. I will keep the house cleaner. I will show him love even when he is being rude or mean, or when I suspect he is seeing ow. I will start making plans for spring fix ups on the house. I will get my S's clubhouse built. I will not talk R unless H starts it. I will try to stop crying so much. I will try to feel more hopeful. I will show H respect at all times. I will be nicer to his friends and family. I will make my M work, with God's help. L
