New to DB, just finished reading DB book...great stuff! My short term goals are: (WS moved out 2 mo ago) 1. I will stop fantasizing about how my H is spending his time. 2. I will continue to work on me, getting back to the real me that is buried in here somewhere. Keep going to the Y to work out, keep dressing up regularly, wearing make-up everyday. 3. I will only ask my H one time if he would like to join us out of town for Thanksgiving. If he doesn't answer or appears undecided, I will not metion it again. 4. I will have a wonderful holiday season, despite what my H may or may not do. 5. I will continue no R talk, even if he does join us for 5 days over Thanksgiving, unless he brings up the subject.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -Eleanor Roosevelt. M-42, H-42. M-22yrs, together 27yrs, Sep 5yrs. D-22, S-18 I'm a survivor
Howdy- new to DB too! Separated in July. H moved out. We started to fill out D paper work and even attended the classes needed in our state. It's what H said he wanted. I don't. I think the paper work is stopped for now!!
Here are my goals:
Short term: -I will finish reading DB!! (I'm in chapter 6) -Faithfuly write in my journal every night -Play a game with the kids on their nights with me -Have fun at harry Potter with kids and H -Go to a movie by myself this week
Long term: -go on a date with H -hold hands again -a face to face conversation -sex (or I'm going to have to buy stock in Duracell!!)
I am very relieved, but guarded, that I found this forum today. I am new to all this but I am willing to learn. Here is what I have figured out so far. Any input will be appreciated!
MARRIAGE GOALS
There is only one: to feel treasured . I state this at the risk of sounding completely self-absorbed but right now I am at a crossroads because the things I’d enjoy below are the short list of exactly the opposite of what he says and does daily. I am feeling so diminished it is becoming increasingly difficult to function. I am getting so depressed that I am virtually useless not only to him, but to my family, my business, and the few other people I even come in contact with anymore. I have to change something quickly because I am losing sight of my sense of individual worth. I am frightened because I am actually gradually living down to his opinion of me. I find it increasingly more difficult to take care of myself spiritually, physically and emotionally because I have a sense of futility in doing much if all I have to look forward to is more criticism, ridicule and loneliness. I am doing this exercise using every last ounce of hopeful anticipation I have, so here goes…
I feel treasured when he: tells me he appreciates specific things about me, for example: how organized I am how brilliant I am how beautiful I am how successful I am what a great mother I am how hard I work how much commitment I have how spiritual I am how loving I am how much fun I am to be with how positive I am how great the house looks how dedicated to clean living I am how much he loves traveling with me what a great hostess I am how valuable I am to our family and friends I feel treasured when he: plans date night unprompted, or even when he asks for input makes a healthy dinner helps keep our home clean truly gives me a say before inviting people over honors that I need quite a bit of time to prepare for guests only tells stories about me that cast me in a positive light laughs at my silly jokes and stories initiates our couple-prayer hugs me out of the blue kisses me hello or goodbye calls me just to talk for a few minutes about whatever asks for my input on things that are going on with him asks my permission before committing my time helps facilitate my production of quality work makes a place for me in our home values me as a partner in our marriage participates in making a family calendar that works includes me in the financial plan works to alleviate my financial pressure before funding his R & R
Thank you for reading! I hope this is the correct place to post for a newbie.
I just finished this chapter in the book last night and after giving it much thought I have come up with two goals. 1- I will accept my husband for who he is. I will no longer nag him or get mad at him for not communicating with me or expect him to understand what I am feeling.
2- I will work on changing my flaws instead of complaining about all his flaws.
I think this is a good starting point, I have learned from reading Divorce Remedy that I need to work on myself and not try to fix him. Any advice or feedback would be appreciated.
How about a bit more specific and action oriented on #2.
The flaw and what you will do differently.
Ex- I will inform my family I am taking a time-out for a few minutes to calm down and compose my thoughts in order to avoid yelling or hurt feelings and I will return when I can better discuss the situation.
Long term: To move back in with my H by New Years. Short term: To make time to spend with each other. To have H call me just to say hi. To have light conversations with H I'm not going to ask what's wrong - it get's us know where. To have H want to hold my hand on our walks To have H want to give me a hug when I come over.
Yes, what I get out of it is that you can't help but improve the marriage when you improve yourself, because withoout you, there is no marriage.
I like that thread I first posted in because MD takes her through the process step by step, and even though Joanne initially sets goals for her H, over what appears to be about a month, a very dynamic change occurs in both of them, and he doesn't know a thing about what she is doing with MD. It really gives me hope.
The first step was to identify how she would know her marriage was getting better. That is what I posted. So now I am off to do step two of what MD had Joanne do.
Quote: Now, what I want you to do for each of your sentences is to ask yourself, "What will my husband be DOING or SAYING when: a) he is treating you as well as he treats others b) he is interested in you and your feelings c) he is really interested and absorbed in what you are saying. What are the actions you will see? What will he be saying? You have to be specific. You're right when you say that you aren't specific enough here. So start again, okay?
So, I have gone through my list and added clarification anywhere I thought it was too vague. I have put the changes in purple. (Everything in purple should be indented but I can't figure out the code... ) I have put completely new observations in blue.
I feel treasured when he: tells me he appreciates specific things about me, for example: how organized I am how brilliant I am how beautiful I am how successful I am what a great mother I am how hard I work how much commitment I have how spiritual I am how loving I am how much fun I am to be with how positive I am how great the house looks how dedicated to clean living I am how much he loves traveling with me what a great hostess I am how valuable I am to our family and friends makes date night a high priority by making sure it happens every week plans date night unprompted, or even when he asks for input exercises with me turns off the t.v. half the waking hours we are home together buys groceries that are healthy even if he doesn’t plan to consume them himself listens without interrupting he will look at me and nod; he will refrain from heavy sighing, rolling his eyes, shaking his head, etc. let’s me be right once in a while tells me he hadn’t thought of it that way, or says, huh, or wow, stuff like that acknowledges what I have said responds thoughtfully to what I say nods or responds to let me know he is listening acts interested sometimes and is at least respectful if he is uninterested remembers what I have said sometime in the future when it applies acts comfortable with different ideas keeps his body loose, stays in an open posture, stays in the room, keeps his voice calm allows me to be sad, tired or ill without repercussion allows me to process my thoughts, ideas and feelings without panicking/ attacking me completes an entire conversation to a real resolution stays on the subject remains loving and kind regardless of the subject matter keeps his voice calm, body loose, stays put, reaches out to hug me, other loving gestures makes a healthy dinner helps keep our home clean picks things up instead of passing them, puts things away instead of just putting them down, cleans up messes he didn’t make without blustering at the children, helps the children with the tasks he asks of them, helps me with the tasks he asks of me truly gives me a say before inviting people over calls me to ask me if it is okay with me, stays loving and kind even if I am not able to accommodate him for some reason honors that I need quite a bit of time to prepare for guests lets me know the day, time and purpose, even if the purpose is just to have fun, lets me know what if anything I am supposed to do in advance of the visit only tells stories about me that cast me in a positive light laughs at my silly jokes and stories initiates our couple-prayer hugs me out of the blue kisses me hello or goodbye calls me just to talk for a few minutes about whatever asks for my input on things that are going on with him asks my permission before committing my time helps facilitate my production of quality work keeps the commitments he has made to provide work space, resources and uninterrupted time for me to work out of our home makes a place for me in our home keeps the bathroom counter clear of his things daily, culls his wardrobe so I can have closet space, does the remodel so I can have a functional office and exercise area, make an area with t.v./d.v.d./music that I have access to so I can choose my sensory input values me as a partner in our marriage includes me in our choice of vacation destinations, allows my input in our finances, upholds my decisions in parenting, makes love with greater frequency (like say, once or twice a week would be a major improvement) participates in making a family calendar that works includes me in the financial plan works to alleviate my financial pressure before funding his R & R
I feel treasured when he:
Works as my partner on our finances by: Attending wealth mastery and applying what we learn Having a sound wealth building plan Have a weekly cash flow sheet initially, eventually monthly Setting up a reasonable discretionary spending plan Being prepared for unforeseen expenditures Making a plan that allows one of us not to have to work while kids are small Having a document storage and retrieval system Maximizing modern methods i.e. Quicken, etc. Considering me an asset builder and a resource rather than an expense Acknowledging my long term efforts at financial contribution
I was also concerned how I would sound, complaining about the state of my relationship, and how my H treated me. He's not abusive, there is no affair or anything... but that doesn't mean we're happy, does it? And while I know that to some extent, each of us makes our own happiness, it obviously makes a difference how our life partner treats us, too. You are great at articulating specifically what makes you feel special! Good luck with getting your H to learn those things and care enough to do them. I think that we all want to feel cherished. What are you doing to help him feel cherished? (keeping in mind, of course, that he may need different things than you do.)
My H just told me he sees no future for us and brought up D. I have started LRT but have limited contact with him. I guess my goals, though it's hard to see through the haze of sadness, are as follows:
Short term:
Have him talk to me without accusation
Have him touch me
Table divorce and separation talk for now
Hear warmth in his voice
Long Term:
Continue non confrontational discussions (we've had 1)
consider a future together
My goals for myself are:
Stay active
stay positive
don't chase or accuse
give space and stay silent unless addressed
dedicate more time to my music career
find a job that has health insurance
He has slowly been cutting me out of his life, saying work is crazy and I would like him to reintroduce his life to me as well as show an interest in mine.
) I have put completely new observations in blue. 