Hi, Update on November goal. 1. Have date with w to go out and eat tonight. 2. Keep date light and fun 3. Continue to get caught up on missed wedding anniversaries. Up to 11th. 4. Continue to spend more time with kids. 5. Continue to spend more time working on spirtuality 6. Read a new book this week.
1.Have wife ask me to her place for dinner. 2.Spend Xmas together with our son. 3.Try to get her to be honest with me about OM 4.Stop thinking about what she is doing and start thinking about what I am doing. 5.Accept the fact that we are separated. 6.Stop feeling the need to control the things outside my control. 7. Start enjoying life and myself again
I often refer back to the basics in Advice for Newcomers. I just read what someone had written ("showing the path to changing the WAY you deliver messages as opposed to recommending that you necessarily change heartfelt messages"). I understand this to mean how to deliver messages differently, in the workds of my H I didn't show him I loved him by the "way I spoke", "my tone" or that I didn't "show him respect". In other words it's not the content, it is the delivery. I'm not changing MYSELF, which is how I always interpretted his desires. Goals in showing love and respect: 1- Laugh at his jokes. But be authentic. Laugh at the funny ones, the ones I don't get, say "I don't get it" but with an understanding tone, not with a "I didn't get YOUR dumb joke". 2- When we're walking somewhere, don't drag my feet. Keep up the pace, with a purpose. I felt I was being controlled. He just wants to get somewhere. When you love someone, you want to walk beside them. 3- Pay attention. Don't play devil's advocate. Listen. His interpretation of me seeing the other side it me being a contrarian, or apathetic. This is getting easier. Whether it's too late or not, only time will tell. Sarah
Michele so far H has not offered any support therefore I am afraid I must now send the letter. Could you please advise if the following letter says to much...should I omit or add anything in particular?
Dear H
I am writing this letter asking for your financial help protecting DD’s well-being. Up to this time I have left you the option of helping us financially, trusting that you would make the right decision regarding her welfare. I know that you need time in regards to OR, and I understand your need for that time, however I must look out for DD, she needs your support as much as mine. I do not want to go through legal means, because I know you are a good man and I trust that your final decision will be what is right in regards to our family.
When you told DD that we are not getting a divorce, but are taking this time apart to figure out how to fix it, left me with the understanding that this is truly what you mean. Having stated that, I would appreciate your financial help otherwise you will leave me no other option but to seek legal advice. I trust you to do what is right so that we can avoid involving the court system.
Well good news, I do not have to send the letter after all, H came through tonight all on his own. I knew I married a good man, sometimes I just seem to lose sight of that fact.
Tonight H said he just doesn't want anyone to be mad at him anymore (I thought H was mad at me) that he wants to come home, he just needs time to figure out what to do to make things right. H asked me if I was getting tired of waiting on him and if I was going to give up on him if he takes too long. I hope I did not slip when I told him that he is my H and it takes as long as it takes, that I trust him and have put my faith in him. I told him that I would never give up unless his happiness required me to do so.
He wants to start going out together (his suggestion) and spending some time alone, just the two of us. I told him to call me when he is ready to begin. No kissing, no hugging me bye, no ILY's, but it sure felt good. A big baby step, trusting him not to step too far back, but preparing myself just in case he does.
It is time to focus on a set of new goals, I will keep them small so not to set myself up for disspointment or failure. I will post them in a day or two once I have time to give them some thought.
I want to thank you again Michele, your techniques seem to work much better than the same ole things I kept trying. Finding your book in the library and this BB has been a godsend for me.
I know I've been away fromthis thread for a while and I will return, but I just want to tell BurnandServe how happy I am about the news!!! Fantastic. And I love the way you responded to his question about waiting...so confident and strong. Yeah!!! Yup, sure is time for some new goals. How wonderful! Michele
Quote: I just want to tell BurnandServe how happy I am about the news!!! Fantastic
Thanks! It is really a slow and hard process fixing the messes we allow ourselves to get into. I am still working on the new goals, been so busy with other things in my life I haven't had much time to work toward them yet.
However more goood news, H asked me to go to dinner with him tonight. Only thing he has picked the restuarant we visited the night before he left. Thinking positive....LOL
Guess what? Got the kiss. H came home from work; I'm at the house w/ the kids. I stayed for dinner. He went upstairs to talk on the phone (XOW I think, who cares anyway, huh yuck). He asked me to sit outside on the front porch to talk. So we philosophized a bit. Well, I did the "show myself" goal, which is about being more articulate and less responsive, accepting who I am, what I feel. Anyway, he comes to kiss me. I kind of let it happen, don't really go there. I'm playing it cool, showing who I am, not getting involved in the million possible OW's there are in the world, asking what he thinks about things, being confident, saying a nice thing here or there. Next goal, he asks me out (to the movies, for a walk, no- that's too easy, just the two of us, dinner), AND he calls me up to talk, to feel good about himself/us.
Too big? nah, he's ready, I'm ready
Sarah
