Newcomers, set your goals

[jwhetnc]

Thanks Michele. I've decided to try and stop worrying myself and dwelling on everything. I realize that I need to stay away from the negative and concentrate on the positive. After all, she indicates that she hasn't given up entirely.

She told me that sometimes she thinks the M is over, but then when she doesn't see or talk to me for a while she begins to miss me and think about working things out. The problem is, when she does see me - then she can stand to be around me and can't wait to get away from me. My C said that he believes that is because I approach her with this desperate "drag her back to my cave attitude", and that is what scares her off.
So, I intend to try to do the following:

In order to give my W time to miss me and think about the M I will:
1 - Have faith that there is a bond between my W and I, and believe that she can and will come to me in her own good time if I will just sit back and let allow her to think.
2 - Be patient and give her the time and space she needs in order to figure things out - without my pressuring her.
3 - Keep my mind occupied - and enrich my life by:
a) working on projects at the house
b) spending time re-cultivating my friendships
c) working on my own issues so that I can be a better partner to my W when she does decide she wants to work things out.

So that I do not repeat the behaviors that pushes my W away when she does see me:
1 - When my W does call me I will act "as if" everything is normal between us and try to keep the conversation light and pleasant. That means no R talk on my part. If she wants to talk, I will attempt to keep it brief.
2 - If I do have the opportunity to see my W, I will relax my mind, attempt to push our problems aside, and just simply enjoy her company.
3 - I will try to limit the length and frequency of our conversations or times spent together, so that we will have a better chance of keeping these encounters on a positive level.

Thanks again Michelle!

[PKD]

Hi Michele, Quick update on goal setting.
1) doing okay with not saying ILY
2) doing okay with taking oldest d and youngest s to
church.
3) making good inroads on weight loss (from 48 jeans to 40
jeans--since August).
4) making okay results w small gifts for past anniversary
Bonus have oldest d help with selection. Gives me some
extra time with her and let's her know that I value her
opinion.
5) Just finish reading 5 Languages of Love (Thanks Breen)
6) Going to carve pumpkins tonight with my boys.
7) Last night wife sharing stories about attention she has
received recently from other men. I agree she was
getting in great shape and I always thought she was
good looking.
7) Late last night, my w decided it was okay to have sex.
Needless to say, I never know what I should say.
Probably best not to say anything and not mention it
later.
8) Once again, I'm strapping in on this roller coaster.

Any thoughts are suggestions are always welcome. Confused
PKD

[serenity sarah]

Michele-
One reason why sharing on this board is helpful is that you can sometimes focus on problem-solving, not for your personal situation, but for others which takes the emotional charge away, and lets you still work on your issues.

Another helpful comment was focusing on baby steps, in fact, celebrating them. Specifically, what would I be seeing/hearing when H shows more interest in me other than for sex . I have to remember, who he is, what he does, and not to delevop baby steps that are out of character for him. He would call me to share with me. He would joke with me. He would flirt with me. Exactly how?
1- He would remember I have a meeting today and ask how it went.
2- He would tell me something about work. How the progress is.
3- He would tell me something about his feelings.
4- This is a big one: He would ask me my opinion, showing respect for me and my thoughts, values, judgements.

Why is this so hard? Why is TIME on my side?
Sarah

[BurnNServe]

Try writing him a letter, explaining how you don't want to do this through legal means, but you really do need financial support and if he doesn't help out, you will have to do something to protect your daughter's well-being.
And speaking of that, if he isn't consistent about picking her up when he says he will, he should be permitted to have that opportunity. children need to feel taken care of and you need to have a back up plan so she doesn't get left alone. This is a hard time for everyone, especially her. You can be nice, but you must be firm.

Thanks Michele for the letter writing idea that will be a good resort before going the legal route. I have notice some baby steps since implementing my goals (sticking to them like glue, its hard but appears to be getting easier for me). I am going to give H another week (I can handle the financial situation for at least four more) to see if perhaps he comes to the conclusion himself that he needs to support his DD. I feel this way he will view it as his own idea and not assume that I think he is not looking out for her well-being. After one week, if no support given freely, I will write the letter.

Regarding H inability to keep his word about picking up DD, I was one step ahead from the beginning. Keeping his promises is one of the things we argued about before he walked out. I did not ever leave DD without a backup, and will not in the future until he has changed this part about himself.

I wish to elaborate and keep you abreast of my goals and what I did to accomplish those goals and their outcome.

1. Work on obtaining a good attitude and keeping it. ACTION / OUTCOME: I have found that by accomplishing goal # 8 I am able to accomplish goal # 1.
2. Detach from H until I accomplish goal one. ACTION / OUTCOME: Making my self happy seems to be the key to detaching. Now when H calls to speak with DD I don’t seem to mind when he doesn’t ask to speak to me. I also have found that by being happy with myself has made it easier for me when H leaves from visits. Is it wrong to feel anxious for him to leave so I can get back to doing things I like to do alone? Or, is this a baby step for me?
3. Act happy when H is around even when I am disappointed, keep smiling. ACTION / OUTCOME: By keeping myself occupied with things I like to do when H isn’t visiting DD I have found I am less disappointed and actual enjoy the thought of him spending time with DD. On Sunday when he visited he told DD he would pick her up after school to look for pumpkin and take it back to HP to carve. Since this is something we have always done together, I was surprised that I found it a wonderful idea because he wanted to spend quality time with DD and didn’t even focus on the fact I was not invited, at least not at first (more later).
4. Let H approach me regarding spending time together. ACTION / OUTCOME: This one was easy, decided not to set myself up for disappointment so made no efforts to invite him to do anything or to include me in any plans. Kept cheerful and ears opened when he was speaking to me on Sunday. I was in an excellent mood. Not because he was visiting but because I had fun Friday night and felt confident. H told DD as he was walking out the door, perhaps we should wait till mommy gets home and bring pumpkin back here to carve. (hehehe) also gave me small peck on cheek. Baby step, yes?
5. Do not call or page H. ACTION / OUTCOME: Didn’t even have the desire to this week. Hope I can keep it up. He has been calling now and asks to speak to me. (Baby step?) I am updating this goal to include not to always be available to come to phone when he does ask to speak to me. Good or bad idea?
6. End calls first when he speaks to me. ACTION / OUTCOME: I have kept the conversations he has had with me on phone to a minimum. He has been asking what I am doing and what my plans are…I do not elaborate much and have been making a point to change the conversation over to what I was doing at the time of the call (for instance tucking DD into bed for the night).
7. Learn to be patient (what ever that is LOL). ACTION / OUTCOME: This was a quality about me that I always had until H left. I must have regained it, because even my boss mentioned to me how patient I am. <patting self on back>
8. Work on being happy with myself. ACTION / OUTCOME: I have found that when I start getting worked up on my sitch (due to too much thought) I take brisk walks and think about the good things I know about my self. I am starting to feel like my own coach…you know, pep talks. It is working for me. Helps me maintain goal #1.
9. Spend lots of time doing things with DD. ACTION / OUTCOME: Monday I helped DD with a project she had due at school, Tues. we played CD’s and danced (she had lots of fun with this one wants to do it again), Wed. read her some of her favorite scary books, Thurs. took her to her favorite restaurant and invited her cousin to go along, Friday let her spend the night with cousin, Sat. took her to fall festival at school and then we rented a video that H told DD she would like (bet we watched it 5 times before we fell asleep on couch, Sunday she played with her friends until her dad arrived. I noticed she seemed in good spirits this week…no crying spells.
10. Stop thinking about OR and start thinking about my relationship with me. ACTION / OUTCOME: I must confess I did think a little bit about OR but I kept positive thoughts mainly thought about my faults in the breakdown and what I planned to do to change those faults. I did not dwell on those thoughts only sought solutions.
11. Stop having negative thoughts, when tempted, reverse and think of what is positive about the moment. ACTION / OUTCOME: This one actually works to keep me on track and to keep me in a good mood. I may incorporate this into every sitch I run across.
12. Find ways to make friends and have fun. ACTION / OUTCOME: This was not as hard as I thought it would be. With no friends to spend time with I assumed I could not have fun. However I have found that I actually enjoy doing some things alone. I love to research family trees and have set aside time during the week to dig deeper to find missing links. I have found a few clues to follow up on. That will take some time and perhaps a trip. DD loves the trips, thinks it is cool to have picnics in graveyards. I also went out Friday night to see my nephew perform karaoke at a local pub. I despise going to pubs without my H (hate to be approached by men in these places) so I made it a point to hang out with my nephew’s friends. I laughed the whole night and really enjoyed much of the talent from the locals. Nephew’s friends let all who approached me know that I was a married woman and we joked the whole night of how easily H could be replaced if he never comes to his senses. Made me feel good to know I am still attractive.

I am not setting new goals as of yet. I will continue to work on these goals until I know I have them down to a tee before moving to bigger goals. I want to make sure I am okay with myself and my sitch before going any further. You are truly an inspiration Michele, your work is wonderful and even if my sitch doesn’t turn out the way I want, your techniques are helping me to cope. Thankyou.

BurnNServe

[CREATES]

I want H to start trying to make contact w/ our son (18) It's been 3 weeks and he hasn't even tried to call him once. he says he doesn't want a confrontation.

I want him to pay attention to me when he sees me.

I want him to come to the house just to hang out like he did once before. I could tell he was missing home.

I want him to call just to see how I am w/ no specific reason

[jserode]

I have been here before, but am New again. My goal right now is since my H moved out, and wants ME out, that the first goal is that he would want to talk to me again. I don't know if that is specific enough or too specific or even unrealistic.

[discorded]

Here are my work-in-progress:

1. I will take care myself mentally and physically
2. I will learn a few new hobbies - Tennis and piano
3. I will write to W once a week about an interesting observation
4. I hope W calls at least once a week to see how I was doing
5. I want to ask W to dinner to our house once a week or two and find something fun to do together (play piano, listening to music, talking about her fun exerience, and I'll try to be humorous and understanding)
6. I want her to stop talking about D or OR (has been so far a week or so).
7. If W wants to talk about OR, I will keep an open mind and listen; also I'll tell her how much I felt for her and our marriage (need to prepare script).
8. I hope W will continue her individual counseling and come to couple counseling with me.

Any suggestions?

Chuck

[Engineer]

Short term goals

1. Lost 30 pounds. Keep it off but continue at Gym

2. Give wife space. Only talk about kids if required

3. Improve domestic skills( My wife was a stay at home Mom who did most of this)

4.Ensure kids get through all of this the best I can. Put them first

5. Continue to find outside interset like sports

6. Accept what is happening and learn

7.Start working on long term goals like better communication with women, undersatnding their needs,etc. Find other areas of improvement that I can make in me.

[Jamesjohn]

Hi CREATES!


"I want him to pay attention to me when he sees me."

What things could you do that might help insure that he'll pay attention to you? What things could you do different?

How will you dress? What non-OR things could you talk about? What are some of his interests that he passionate about, that you could show him that you're interested in, that you want to learn more about from him?

What could you do different, a 180 maybe, that would "grab" his attention, even briefly?

How will you respond when he DOES pay attention to you? How will you let him know when "he's doing it right"?

[TXAggie97]

My short term goals for the month of November:
1. Get moved into my new house and get comfortable in the new space with unpacking and decorating.
2. Continue with my individual counseling.
3. Go to a Divorce Care support group.
4. Go to church and bible study every Sunday.
5. Start exercising by walking and lifting weights.
6. Start a new hobby, like private pilot lessons and/or golf.
7. Work on my self esteem and my negative thoughts.
8. Continue to work on myself to be a better man, person, teacher, son, and husband.
9. Ask friends to do things, be more assertive in making friends and hanging out with my current friends.
10. Finally, I will not contact my W since she wants 30 days of no contact. Even if I feel like talking to her I will call a friend or family or go for a walk. I will not disrespect this boundary she has set.