I have to thank you for your encouragement, Michelle. I did ask my H to come and help take care of our pup; he did, and called me at work to tell me about it and HE initiated a small but significant OR talk in which he told me he missed me (but said he doesn't know what that means), told me OW is not replacing me emotionally at all (was VERY insistent about that), and said that he thinks about me and misses me more now than in the early stages of our separation (he left in Jan., referred to March/April). I realized that I registered on the DB bb on April 13--Could it be that he's "textbook" DR? Just kidding--but only sort of.
But it helps me to set some goals. Baby-step goals, but goals all the same: 1) H and I will have more regular and similarly open contact through his sharing of the dog responsiblities. 2) We will continue to ride out his MLC at 33 years old (I was his first and only GF before OW--I had had other R's before) and not make any hard and fast decisions until we both are sure about who we are and what we want. 3) I will not be afraid to ask for help when I need it (I was always the "parent" role in our R). 4) He will feel safe telling me how he feels (like he did when he said "I miss you, but I don't know what that means) and continue to do so as he works through his feelings. 5) I will not blame him or express anger about his confusion. 6) He will initiate a social outing with just the two of us sometime in the next month or so.
Does that sound reasonable? Too weak or too pushy? Just wondering... Thanks for your help! Edna
Michele, I am seriously starting to question my W and our whole M. She got into a serious discussion with my sister the other night and said something about she had been drunk when we got engaged 6 years ago, and said that she thought she rushed into things. One of my friends told me that she had said the same thing a few years ago to her, and that she had gone on to say that she had felt obligated to marry me and make it work. Before she left she had said something about not staying here and pretending...
I truly thought my W loved me all this time, and now am beginning to wonder. She contradicts herself in conversations with me. I asked her if she was so confusing because she just really didn't know how she feels, or if it was because she wanted out and didn't want to hurt me. She said a little of both. That sometimes she wants it to be over, and other times she begins to miss me and think of working on the M - then she gets around me and can't wait to get away again. My C says that is because I probably approach her with the mentality that I want to drag her back to my cave - and that she picks up on that. W says she is leaning more towards just ending things.
I am really confused and disillusioned by her words and actions. Is it possible that she was pretending for some time to be in the M? If she didn't care - wouldn't she just let go and move on?
jw, you'll drive yourself crazy with all those thoughts, and it won't be helpful. trust your instincts in the past that the love you thought you had, you actually had. and can reawaken.
what if....you wake up today and a miracle occurred and everything was the way you wanted it to be. how would you be acting...what would you be doing, what would you be saying....start there.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
jwhetnc: I really don't want to tell you what to think or do, but I share a similar thought pattern where I can multi-analyze, think, plan as all human beings. Let me say how what goes on in my head: Analyze- does he love me, do I love him, did I ever, what is love? are we soulmates? Although this is a wonderful mind bending activity and food for conversation, it is something that does not offer solutions. Becoming solution oriented - Draw up plans of actions for a specific means. When I waver off track, revisit where I want to be headed and what I can do to find my way back again. I can't do anything about the past. I can apologize, analyze, learn from it, but I can do nothing about it. I can do something about right now, set goals for myself. Anyway, although our brains are multi-functional, the object here is to determine what we want and then derive goals to attain that. I have analyzed and pondered for 2 yrs now and it has gotten me no where. Learn from me there at least. I try to break down the layers. I know we are ultimately a combination of the layers, but I find it helpful to separate out the parts when I am confused and address the issues I am not not confused about (I want my H do give the M another try). I can write down what behaviors on my part enable this to happen, and which ones sabbotage it. I can measure the amount of change that must occur. I really like the part about acting as if everything in your life were great - what would you be doing? what would you be saying (that's more what I need to look at). what would my tone be? would I really care what everyone else says about what my H did or said to them, or what their interpretation is? don't I have enough self-awareness and belief in who I am to decide for myself? did you like yourself better when you and your w first got together? A long time ago I became quite fat. I stayed that way throughout college. Dieting didn't work. Praying to God didn't work - if I were just thin I would eat thin I said. So, I decided to eat like a thin person (ate all my vegies, my salad, then meat and finally the bread at every meal). I exercised every day. It took a very long time (yrs) but I became thin. I have been thin ever since. Here's just a concrete example of how if we change our behaviors, we can become that person. Sarah
Quote: what if....you wake up today and a miracle occurred and everything was the way you wanted it to be. how would you be acting...what would you be doing, what would you be saying....start there.
If that happened I would start by kissing and holding my W. Then, I would make sure that each and every day I made her feel important - but without smothering her. I would give her space and freedom to be herself. I would treat her as an equal partner in our M, and respect her.
Quote: Although this is a wonderful mind bending activity and food for conversation, it is something that does not offer solutions.
You know, you are right. I just read something the other day that I copied down which said that obsessing over mind-reads (that don't mean a thing) is a colossal waste of time. I've got to stop doing that and stick to what I do know. I've got to be more solution oriented. Thanks for helping me to get back on the wagon.
Back to the goals: My goals: Career, work a little harder. Kids, on track. Projects, doing good here. My side biz: make some more prototypes, cost the product out. It's ok to fail - but I probably won't. Set the steps. When finished with one, go to the next. Then you've succeeded.
H's goals. Build the trust. See what's working when he calls me. Write it down in the solution journal. What behavior was different? What was the same. What worked? Make interactions positive, but detach from the reactions, blaming, hissing - don't fuel the fire here. Let them subside. He still wants me sexually. Let this spill into wanting me for other reasons. He knows I've changed. He knows that the impetus for my change was him leaving, but let him realize the change is there forever.
Mandatory do's and don'ts: Remember these are all behaviors indicative of a self-fulfilled person. 1-No OR talk. No D talk. 2- Listen to what H is really saying. Don't focus on me and how it affects ME when he's talking. Listen. If I don't know what to say, don't say anything. Listen. Learn. 3- Feel good about myself. I'm a good person. I'm funny, I'm beautiful, inside and out, I'm intelligent - keep this up. 4- Stay away from conversations where people tell me what to do. Even my very best friends.
BurnNServe- Try writing him a letter, explaining how you don't want to do this through legal means, but you really do need financial support and if he doesn't help out, you will have to do something to protect your daughter's well-being. And speaking of that, if he isn't consistent about picking her up when he says he will, he should be permitted to have that opportunity. children need to feel taken care of and you need to have a back up plan so she doesn't get left alone. This is a hard time for everyone, especially her. You can be nice, but you must be firm.
Patrik, I know you are feeling lots of pain and that you feel desperate. I can't imagine what it must be like for you and your kids to be so far away from your wife and their mother. But that is the situation. You need to give her some space. No more flowers. Let her call the kids. Give her room. It's good that she will come for a visit. If you give her space, she might be more willing to consider staying around longer because she won't feel pressured.
In the mean time though, you have to take better care of your self and make sure that your kids feel that there is someone to talk to about this awful situation. do they have grandparents or other family members around? This is very traumatic for them. But do not say bad things about their mother, even if you feel that way. They need you to be strong and dependable.
so, even though this is difficult, you have to focus on you- build your life- and your children. Hopefully, she will snap out of this soon. Keep posting.
Breen, glad you made some progress toward your goals! That's great. You've got to remember to take one day at a time. I know it's hard, but do it anyway. Remember, you got your birthday card.
PDK, I'm glad you're putting your seat belt on. I wish your road was much smoother. Your situation sounds really tough but I can hear your determination. THat's good. Keep your eyes on the goal. Keep DBing.
Edna, Your goals sound great, really great. I'm a little nervous about #6, but concentrate on the other five for now. Let's talk about 6 later!
jw, sgctxok is right. Turst your instincts about the past. I have often written about the fact that unhappy people tend to rewrite history. They are seeing things through distorted lenses. Even if their past doubts were legitimate, chances are they are reallyl blowing them out of proportion. Depresed people see things through depressed lenses. That's just how it goes. So stop driving yourself nuts- like sg says- and focus on what to do next.
serenity sarah, I really like your advice to jw and to yourself for that matter! I especially like your do's and don'ts. they are very specific. So, when your husband's desire for you starts spilling over to other areas, what will he be doing? Remember, baby steps.
Just a quickie update on my goal of starting communication again with my WAH:
It's been over a week since I contacted H with no response. My birthday is Thursday, will see if he contacts me then. If not, I will have to create new goals. I did reach one goal- I haven't obsessed the last week and a half! Kept busy, didn't give it much thought, focused on my new life, and didn't freak out when he didn't reply. Major step for me. So I accomplished 1 of my 2 major immediate goals. Now onto the communication goal, no clue on that one. Sent him a box of stuff that I mentioned this spring (when I was communicating before I went dark), not a box of his stuff, just some stuff I had made for him. Along with a nice letter with no pursuing. Don't know if he was surprised and doesn't know what to say or if he's irritated that I bothered him (the first time in months, no less!). Having no communication truly is extremely hard to DB with - no clue on where I stand or how he feels. I guess I will just wait a bit longer and see what happens so I can change my goals accordingly.
Thank you Miscell, Yes we have some family members around from my side only and in the beginning we used to go to my mother to eat and spent most of the afternoon. We mostly used our house for sleeping. For the last two weeks me started to cook at home for us and we go to my mom's only the weekends for me to get some chance to go little bit out with friends. My mother and father in law just called them once 11/2 month ago and kids asked them why don't they help to bring their mother back. They just said to kids to let W to calm down and then they are going to see. But they never called again.
What do you thing about my goals since is difficult for me to do visible changes. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Just kidding--but only sort of.
Kept busy, didn't give it much thought, focused on my new life, and didn't freak out when he didn't reply. Major step for me. So I accomplished 1 of my 2 major immediate goals. Now onto the communication goal, no clue on that one. Sent him a box of stuff that I mentioned this spring (when I was communicating before I went dark), not a box of his stuff, just some stuff I had made for him. Along with a nice letter with no pursuing. Don't know if he was surprised and doesn't know what to say or if he's irritated that I bothered him (the first time in months, no less!). Having no communication truly is extremely hard to DB with - no clue on where I stand or how he feels. I guess I will just wait a bit longer and see what happens so I can change my goals accordingly.