I'm replying to my own post to stay on track. Since this thread will probably end soon I'm going to move over to the solution journal w/ Jamesjohn however for myself I'm setting my goals here and will probably start a thread in Staying solution focused.
Deatch and work on myself: 1- Career - stay focused at work. Learn jsp programming language. 2- Kids - Nurture them. Do things with them. Be their mother. 3- Decorate my place - Make a creative wallhanging. 4- Pursue my business idea. Make a few more prototypes. Cost it out. Visit representatives for sales.
Communicating w/ H- 1- No questions about OR, no spying. No reasoning talks. 2- Listen to him, listen to him, listen to him. Shut up and listen.
Long term goals- H will 1- Stop pshewing or blaming. This is all part of the detachment phase where we no longer "affect" one another. Acceptance and trust will return. The door opens to communication. 2- Call me to tell me things about his day. See something that reminds him of me that he'll have to tell me about. 3- OW/EA/ whatever it is will lose it's magic. Once he can have it he won't want it. The manure will start to stink. Sorry, a little mean here, huh? I have no control over this, so I'll just have to let go of it here. 4- Compliment me. Pay attention to me. 5- He will kiss me. He'll feel like it and just do it. 6- Want to try the M again.
Baby steps 1- Talk to me a lot. Call me about his day. Call me about his sadness. Call me about his happiness. Call me sweetie (on purpose, not to let it slip out, but really mean it). Tell me about someplace he went and what he saw. Want to hear my voice. PATIENCE. Sarah
Just wanted to share this w/u. Yesterday my W went to lunch with my sister-in-law. When I got home from work, W asked me if I had mentioned anything about our sitch to my brother or sister-in-law. I said no, why (I haven't btw). She said that at lunch, SIL gave her a book about healing a marriage. I told W that I don't talk to anybody I know about OR or sitch (nobody in my family at least). Anyway, we were going to the hockey game last night thanks to a friend and when I went out to empty out her car, I see the book my SIL gave her and it was....you got it, the DR It took all of my strength not to tell her that I've already read it and refer back to it often and how great it is. So, now I can only hope she reads it.
I just thought I would share this story. I LOL when I saw the book laying there on the seat of her car. Part of me also wonders if this is the answer to some of my prayers. Maybe if she reads it.......
H said he wants to come home, does not want D, wants to fix OR. Stops at that says nothing else about OR. Said he wants to come see DD tomorrow when he gets off work. Asked him if he would like to have dinner with us when he brings her home. Says yes, asked me if I want to go out or cook. I told him I would cook (I know how tired he gets when he has been working) besides he didn’t know what time he would get off or rather he would be able to pick DD up after school. I wanted to make it easy for him to see us and eat a good dinner. Dinner was a disaster, I got myself too excited about him not wanting a D and wanting to work things out. I made to big a deal within myself and was left, at the end of the evening, disappointed. He wasn’t able to make it until late (I didn’t mind I was still excited that he had come), rushed through his dinner (made the announcement that he had to get back to work or his boss would get mad), and I allowed myself to get overwhelmed with negative thoughts (for instance; H doesn’t have boss he works for himself, H is lying he doesn’t really want to do anything wants me to fix it all by myself, H doesn’t care about my feelings, H doesn’t love me, etc.), H tried to kiss my cheek (I turned away, shouldn’t have I regret it), I grew quiet and lost my positive attitude when he announced his having to leave early. I paged him, H did not return call. I called HP and left message on machine, told him I appreciated his coming to dinner and spending time with us, I apologized for getting quiet, told him I had felt disappointed that he couldn’t stay longer, due to limited time, and I was at a loss for words. Told him I knew he was putting in long hours, to take care of himself and be sure to get some rest. Told him when he got home it was alright to call if he felt like it. He didn’t call…evening back-fired due to my inability to keep a positive attitude and positive thoughts. I need to set new goals.
New Goals
1. Work on obtaining a good attitude and keeping it. 2. Detach from H until I am able to obtain goal 1. 3. Act happy when H is around even when I am disappointed, keep smiling. 4. Let H approach me regarding spending time together. 5. Do not call or page H. 6. End calls first when he speaks to me. 7. Learn to be patient (what ever that is LOL). 8. Work on being happy with myself. 9. Spend lots of time doing things with DD. 10. Stop thinking about OR and start thinking about my relationship with me. 11. Stop having negative thoughts, when tempted, reverse and think of what is positive about the moment. 12. Find ways to make friends and have fun.
It is hard to not think about OR when I have no friends to spend fun time with, so I am now pursuing avenues of meeting people to make friendships. I have one new online friend which is helping. I have gone out a couple of nights alone which just made me feel more alone. I am going to join my sister’s prayer group (they meet once a week for bible study and dinner, I missed it last night). Thought about joining a singles club in my area, but not sure if that would be a good idea when I am seeking friendship only. I need to figure out a way to get H to help financially, he has not offered and the financial strain alone is getting to me. Any suggestions on an approach to financial matters without making H feel guilty would be much appreciated.
Since my wife left to another country very angry and now she only talks with kids and not at all with me these are my goals. First I will try to make her feel better and not angry. I plan to hire a clown and sent him to her with a big cart saying. "you are special!!! just to make you laugh." Once a week sent her letters about the kids. I am going to sent a present to a relative of hers that she likes very much and we did sent him a present while she was here because she asked me to do it. For first time I am going to ask the kids to phone her because they have never did this before. Sent her some new jokes that I know she like jokes. She is going to take the message but in a different way. How about that??????? I am going to do now everything that would be totally uncharacteristic of me handling the situation this far.
That is the plan for now since she has already left to another continent and not much I can do.
jwhetnc- You conversation sounds not good, GREAT! It sure does sound as if she's thinking things through in a positive way. Keep up the great work.
PDK, I don't often answer email personally because I get so much of it, but I do remember your email. I recall that your letter did not threaten or offer an ultimatum that is the true Dobson style. You just released her. That's different. If I remember incorrectly, let me know.
Shay, Your goals are great. Focus on them. Work on them and you'll be another success story around here. You go girl!
Patrik, Have you tried the things you've mentioned or are you just thinking about doing them? If you have sent the clown, how has she responded? I know it must be incredibly hard being so far away from her. Do you have the kids or does she?
Kenu, No one ever said that doing what you set out to do will be easy. You have to do it anyway. I'm glad writing things down helps you. It's a good thing to do.
lostlove, If your husband is more interested in working on your marriage, it is time to test the waters by your occasionally being more interested in him. See how he reacts if you call once in a while or ask him to do something. If he hesitates, drop it immediately and don't do that again for a while. You have to approach this like trial-and-error. Okay? Experiment a bit.
You goals are good but, What will you be doing differently when you have gotten over OW? And one more thing, your son's relationship with your h is different than your relaitonship with your h. You should encourage your sone to have a relationship with his father. He should call him even if you aren't calling him. Okay? the rest of your goals look great.
Serenity Sarah, It seems unfortunate that someone as wonderful and smart as you, someone who really in her heart and soul GETS the DB ideas, is finding herself having to let go of her marriage. I think for now, it makes sense that you handled things this way and in fact, it may open up possibilities for moving forward with your h in better ways. But I understand how hard this has been for you. Yet, you are incredibly resilient. You don't waste a moment. You pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get yourself back on track pronto. I'm not sure what will happen next in your life, but I am sure good things will come your way. Glad you're working on your new goals and staying solution-focused. I'm not a bit surprised. Hang in there.
PDK- advice? You said it yourself. Let your wife initiate any and all connections. She probably freaked up that she approached you the other day. relax, you're in for more ups and downs.
Kenu, What a funny story. Life is filled with coincidences. Or are they really coincidences? I think not. Hmm.....
BurnandServe, Mostly, I want to comment on your goals. They;re right on. You need to be positive in his presence and hold back your fear or resentment. He's not real receptive to it right now. You can do it . I also like your plan to meet friends. Stay away from singles groups, it will get too complicated right now. What happens when you talk to you h about money?
Quote: What happens when you talk to your h about money?
H says he will bring me the money, gives me a time that he will bring it, then doesn't show. He doesn't offer an explaination or mentions it again. If I ask again, or ask if he forgot, he says he knows I need it, sets up a new time to bring it, and still doesn't show. He did ask DD (she's nine) if she needed money...of course she said no. I do not want to make him angry or feel guilty, however my resources are very limited (we own a small business, this was our only source of income, he took it when he left, and is hiding the fact he is still doing business). I have gotten a job but it pays very little plus I had to invest in an automobile because he did not leave us one. I now have a car payment and car insurance on top of all the other household expense. I have thought about filing for temporary support and maintenance...but I do not want a divorce and I'm afraid if I go that route he will surely file.
He also tells DD he will come pick her up after school, then doesn't show leaving her without someone here to tend to her. I have took steps to see to it someone is here to take care of her in case he doesn't show but it is taken its toll on DD and she is having crying spells, thinking no one loves her. I have reassured her that I love her very much...but I know it is not my love she is worried over. I have talked to her school counselor in hopes that she may be able to help her, but so far DD isn't opening up to her at all.
I know if I could take care of these two situations, I could be more positive about my future R with H and keep on top of my goals. He is making it very difficult.
W will call/email me just to say hi or chat about nothing in particular
W will say something complimentary (e.g. you look nice)
W will suggest having lunch or dinner sometime
W will come to me to discuss work problems etc..
W will send me a birthday card
Well I got the birthday card (yippee!) so I'll revise that to be:
W will send me a Christmas card
I would probably also have had a longer term goal of W talking about coming home by Christmas. However following a conversation we had last night (initiated by her) about a Financial Settlement which led into D and OR etc., I think that's a long shot. She seems determined that she won't risk going back to feeling the way she did when we were together. Not sure if it's fear, stubbornness or pride! She seems convinced that family life is not for her. And it seems to be more the "family" that she is running away from, rather than "me".
Anyway - my goals are there. Progress towards them is good. But even if I achieve them all we will just be "friends". The dinner date invite would be more significant, but optimism eludes me at present!
Thank you Miscell. The kids are with me. And I really do not understand how is she going to afford this pain. Is she going to be satisfied to see her kids 10 days/year?? For you to understand in the end of the year 1999 we decided to move from USA to another continent. The idea was me with the kids move first and wife after 3-4 months. When we did move my wife seemed ok. She was calling us and she waited very much to finish and come with us. After the 6 months she called and said that she was not finished yet and she needed another year and she continued saying this until Nov 2002. Then she came with us. We rented a house and bought all the furniture. She was acting in a very strange way. She did not touching me at all, and I was not saying anything. After 3 months she told me that she came just for the kids that she does not love me any more and pushed me to find a girlfriend. I was so angry and then she told me that she had un affair with OM in her job in USA. She said that it was nothing serious bu after I investigated I fount that it was very serious with hotels, trips, and commitments that some day they will live together. He is also married and My W had a lot of mess with his wife and D. After that I let her know that I new all of her moves and his as well. She was feeling like a mouse in a trap. She did not douche me for the rest of the 10 months and never committed to work on our M. She was insisting that she is not going anywhere and that she was going to stay just for the kids. After 10 months she could not stand any more and asked me to give her money for a ticket to go back. I was insisting to stay but finally I said Ok. When she left I contact her parents in another country and let them know about everything. She was pissed off. Now she is calling only the kids and she is very angry with me. I have sent her letters just analyzing my ideas and some mobile messages. She responded with a message like for me to stop harassing her and that the only common thing between us are the kids. I stop messaging and now I am just sending letters about the kids and some jokes. She never complained for the letters. I do not even know if she is reading those. She also said to a common friend here that she stop the A with the OM!!!Now for the first time she starts asking the kids if the house is clean if they have put quills on the beds etc. Now I thought about the clown since in your book you suggesting new ways of giving the messages. I do not want yet to go to 180 because that is going to be my last choice and chance. She also gave me the feeling (before living) that she wanted to come and go in our home when she was going to visit and I said No. Now she wants to come in Chr as she told the kids and I do not know what to do When the kids are asking her if she is going to stay with us she responds No because your father do not want. She is saying to them that everything is finished and asking them to stop talk about this R from now on. They are only 10 and 12 years old. Believe me is very difficult for me to reach my goals isn't it?? Do you have any ideas or it seems like everything is finished??? When I was sending roses and presents to her wile here she was so upset. She asked a friend to tell me not to. She did not want to celebrate any important dates like anniversary my bds etc. She was like addicted to him. She had his sleep cloths wile here and she also had some of his underwear's. It was like a hell for me.
Sorry for the long post
Mishell but maybe your expertise are my last chance and I am so far away to contact you in a different way.
Well, my backsliding at the dinner really hurt OR. He is now back to not knowing what he wants to do. He says he has nothing anymore, no home, no family, nothing. Says all he has is his truck. Says he doesn't know what to do to fix things, said he guesses "we just grew apart", that "he doesn't want to live like this anymore". I do not understand how a man can want to marry after a 10 yr relationship and then 2 months into the marriage feels we have grown apart! What is that all about? I shouldn't have told him, but I did, that he has a home and a family. He said he does not feel like I want him here...ARGH!!! I said I understood (of course nothing could be further from the truth). I asked him what he wanted from me right now. He said time. I am praying, with this time that I give him, he does not make the wrong decision. I am sticking to my goals, I am doing it for me. I know what I want, he doesn’t know what he wants. I cannot slay his dragons for him, but I can slay mine. I do feel better knowing this is his issue and not mine. I do not feel guilty about his leaving anymore, it was his decision and it will ultimately be his decision on where OR goes from here.
Hi Michele, I appreciate that you had anwer my e-mail, I can imagine that you are pretty busy. You are right I only sit her free, it was not a threatening letter at all. On the other point about letting her call the shots on the sexual issues--I will. Realize that I am in for a bumpy ride. Had three of our four kids sick this morning with stomach flue. I am also sick. W decided to take her friend to the mall and go shopping today. She was more concern about picking out the right shirt to wear and how her pants fit then how the kids were. Told me that there was soup in the kitchen if anyone got hungry. Pretty hard but I told her to have a good time. This is not the woman I married and have knew for the past 18 years. Needless to say I am strapping in for a bumpy ride. Thanks PKD
