Hi, Dropped off the deep end the other night, decided to go the Dobson style letter with my w. Only encouraged her more to want the D. Need to start over with my goals.
I will stop saying I love her. I will start sleeping on the couch some nights--when we are in the same bed very difficult not to hold her. I will find positive things to say about my w's working out program. Not difficult she is looking great. I will find positive things to say about my w's friends --- even those encouraging D---this is alot harder. I will continue to be more involved with my chidlren: going to church, role playing games on the weekend, and helping with homework when I can. I will be quiet when she mentions D. I will continue to work out: Hour and Half on Bike and 30 minutes on weights ever day. I will start again on the hobby of performing Magic.
jwhetnc, Wow! that sounds like really great news. I also like how you stuck to your LRT. Good going! I'm not surprised that your PMA is on solid ground. Keep up the good work. Small kind gestures seem to go a long way.
rapcgtiac, I don't know you or your situation, but I have a distinct feeling that your goals are too ambitious for the time being. Have you read Divorce remedy? Have you read the goal-setting section. Time to reivew. You need to break your goals down into small doable chunks. What will be the very first sign you're making progress?
PDK, Even Dobson isn't convinced about the value of the Dobson letter in all situations. He says,"It would be unthinkable of me to recommend that victims of affairs indiscriminately pose ultimatums with 24-hour deadlines or that they push an independent partner in a corner. Great caution is needed in such delicate conflicts." He goes on to suggest seeking professional advice. I'm glad you switched gears. And by the way, your goals are great. Stick to them!
Another positive step today. W called today to thank me for bringing some more mail by her work and placing it in her truck. I told her she was welcome, and that it was no big deal. There was a pause, and so I asked her if that was it - then, she asked me how I'm doing. She and I had a lengthy talk about what I've been up to and what she's been doing. We laughed about a few things. I won't go into the details (I might put more on my own thread).
There was only some brief "R" talk, in which she made a comment in regard to our separation saying she had just needed a little space. Which I took as a good sign because that shows an indication that she still looking at us having a future.
There were one or two slightly tense comments on both parts, but we didn't linger on them. Overall I think it was a good conversation. I feel good about it.
Hi Michelle, I wish you would have shared your thoughts about the Dobson letter in the e-mail that I sent you sharing with you the letter, I was going to send. You sent back it looks good and wish me the best of luck. Appreciate your input on my goals. I keep you posted. Thanks PKD
Michele I have been DBing since last fall. H didnt like me back then and thought it was too little too late. OW came into the picture. Now: OW is out of the picture and H has no interest in seeing her for 4 months now. H likes me again but is 50 % in. H needs space. H doesnt know what he wants but misses me. Wants to miss me more and let go of negative history and anger. My goals have changed over the months so now I need new goals. Here goes: 1. No phone calls from me 2. No asking him to stay 3. No crying in front of him 4. H asks me out without kids 5. PMA- H likes when I smile 6. Keep busy with fixing up the house 7. Let H stay with his sister with no pressure 8. Expect him to be gone 3 months getting his head cleared 9. Make time for me- shop, exercise, reestablish friendships 10. H asks to spend the night 11. Let him initiate conversations 12. Turn him down at least once- this is hard! 13. REestablish my relationship with my daughters! very important Sometimes I am "on" and he pursues like crazy, but I cant figure out how I got to be "on"!!!!!! Thanks for the opportunity to jump in! Shay
Hi Miscell I did got the book and read it twice. Since my wife left very angry on me and went to another continent here are my goals. She never talk to me or asked the kids about me. I am going to try for her not to feel angry by sending her a nice message in unexpected way and get her want to call me.. 1) Hire a clown and sent him to her with a nice card saying"just to make you laugh" Then next week to say "have a nice day". The third week sent a cart and a rose ( all times given by a clown). 2) One letter a week just about the kids and photos. Nothing about our R. Like nothing happened. 3) she likes her cousin who is having some psychological problems and she asked me to sent him a present when she was here. Now I am going to sent him a present by my own. I am going to do the unexpected for her to handle this. What do you think since there are no much That I can do since me in Greece and she in USA????????
michelle, i have db,d for months and now my h is wanting to try calling more coming over more wanting to do more as a family etc,
how long do I have to act "as if" not call etc. I want to be able to call my h to say hi if i want to but it seems I cannot if I must still db. h is claiming ow "relationship" is over but I see that she is still calling his cell phone at least weekly on his non-shceduled visiting days. I do not know what to do in my current sit, as I have gotten his attention but don't want to keep acting like I don't care what happens to us or want to be with him.
goal #1 get over ow goal #2 accept what h says about it not getting physical with her at any point beyond hugging. goal #3 stop looking at his cell phone goal #4 stop calling him (should that include letting son call him???) goal #5 don't ask him if he's coming over on a non-scheduled night
I do not know if these are the right goals as h did for some stupid reason think i hated him.... uh duh don't think i would have always been wanting to spend time with him if i hated him, THAT was what i hated the fact that he was just unavailable for me and son and then d, oh and yeah I was a bit perturbed to find out that though he was turning down offers to go for lunch with son and I he was finding the time to take someone else's sorry wife out to lunch, so who hated who????
Michele- Well, a day of drama, the old stuff. 3 steps forward, 2 steps back? Although I didn't get the Pshewey's, I feel we went back to the blaming stage. H said "You weren't there for me", "You didn't love me". And I went back to the cheeseless tunnel, explaining everything. He tells me not to do this, but I insist. I say "didn't I get my point across to you". "I love you", . Anyway, finally all this come to a halt again. We had "the" conversation which led me to the place of realization that I have to "let go". Through tears, because I couldn't stop them, I said "I'm really sorry you didn't feel love from me, because I love you with all my heart and soul". Pause. Then I added "I'll be ok". He asked "does that mean you're letting me go?" And I said "yes". Then we talked a bit about work and kids and jokes and we parted. That's where we are now. I have to accept that. He has to come around on his own. Now then let's look at the positive side. We are both free of the shackles of the past. I can go on with my life. He can go on with his.
Back to square one. Work smart. Stay on track. Keep a PMA. When my brain wonders what he's doing, who he's with, stop going there. I can't do anything about it. Where am I? What am I doing? What can I do to make myself happy for a change.
1- Career. Learn a new programming language. When at work, work. 2- Kids. Keep loving them as much as they can handle. Do things with them. Go for a bike ride with them. Go to their soccer games. Be with them. 3- Friendships. Stay away from those who get me off track. "your'e H is such a whatever". "You should whatever". 4- Do things for myself. Not to show my H who I am to please him, or what I am to show him I've changed. I've changed. Keep the changes coming.
When communicating with my H: 1- Listen to what H is really saying. "no sales pitch" "you can't make me love you". Come to think of it, I don't want that either. No talk about OW(s). We can call this a MLC or a marriage breakdown or whatever. But the fact of the matter is he says it's over. There's some peace that comes along with acceptance of a situation. There's some freedom. 2- Be a friend. The "casual neighbor" as someone put it on one of these threads. 3- Keep a solution journal. You noticed I joined that thread too. This is a huge realization for me. That I have given into "instinctual behavior". I do something because I "feel" it's right. But it might not be right. This is where SBT is really a science. And we can remove the soulmate, reading the mind, beginning stages of the relationship out of the equation. Love is the art of making the science of relationships work - promoting proven methods of success. It's funny, we had our last "old-style encounter" at a restaurant where we've had many a bad conversation. I think we should stay away from that place. Or else I really have to keep my antennas up and make our interaction there incredibly positive, to create happy peaceful memories.
Make yourself happy and detach 1- Fix up my bachlorette pad. Design some wall hangings. Decorate the place to my liking. Isn't this what I've always wanted? Give it a try. I get to do it my way. 2- Don't use the children. They need both mom and dad. They love both of us. They want us together. When we're together as a family make it feel good. Ask H about his day, what projects he's been working on. Dreams, aspirations, progresses. That kind of stuff. 3- Don't accept all invitaions. Don't be so available. Some "Oh, I can't go there today". 4- Don't be curious about what H has been up to . No quetions about his whereabouts. That will just have to take care of itself.
Hi Michele, Really confused--starting working on the goals again. Friday night when finish doing things with the kids around midnight. W comes out brushes teeth--that is usually menas that she is planning for something besides sleep. She was. Don't know what to say. This is only three days after she said she wants to pursue the divorce. Sunday morning, I thought I would find out if the waters were still warm---major backslide---more like the North Sea. I guess at this point I should not make any moves unless the w starts but it is really hard. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks PKD
