Michele, I find myself thinking about some of the painful things my W has said. Not just in anger, but just in casual conversation. I just cannot believe some on the things that have come out of her mouth in the past few months. I could understand it if they were said in anger - but I have a hard time understanding these nonchalant comments that she apparently didn't give a second thought to.
I find myself wondering how someone could care about another and be able to make those comments without realizing the affect. Does that mean she really just doesn't care? Or is she just that numb that she didn't think about it at the time.
Is is possible for a WAW to just be so numb and uncaring - and make a sincere turn around?
Michele, I'd really like to hear your comments on this. Thank you.
Michele- Thanks for the feedback. My goals are representative of an individual who has self-worth (no spying, etc) and independent of H's whims (no emotional reaction to negative comments). Setting these behavioral goals are really great for me. I am setting up new patterns of interation. Those feelings of desperation are starting to fade. I'm having new ideas again, my brain is working on parts of my life that are good.
On the other hand, you said, goals for H are too ambitious for now. Probably, becuase in the last two year, we've actually spent some time together but he's not ready, he backs off quickly, and I'm impatient... I want BIG steps. So, that's my main goal with him, PATIENCE. I need to think miniature steps with him, remembering how we got together 20 yrs ago, remembering that now he calls or comes over under the guise of doing something for me or the kids, as opposed to him. I also read in your other responses that they come back a bit and test the waters. Also, I have to remember how he shows love. What are the baby steps, he'll do. He'll never buy me flowers or anything... he'll want me to be a part of HIS life. Thus, baby steps have to pertain to that. Revisited H's goals with this in mind. 1. No more condescending remarks ... well if I don't respond emotionally, he'll have to stop because he'll no longer get fulfillment from it. 2. Kiss me when we have sex.. He will initiate sex and I will sometimes say no. 3. Invite me over for tv time and dinner time. Actually this happens already, just need the number to increase. Here's where I have to rethink and slow down. 4. He'll ask me to pick him up or drop him off or help him out to do something. 5. He will call becuase he wants to. Because he thinks I have something worthwhile to say. Again here, I must show myself... no wishy washy, whatever, apprehensive, um, behavior. Although I am an internal gal, and it takes me awhile to process my response, I can always say "my immediate response is this, but I need to think about this for a bit". 6. He'll ask me for help or thoughts on things he's working on, (showing respect for my opinion). Sarah
Michele- A question where an answer for all of us might help: Why do they take such BIG steps with OP and baby steps with us? An answer would help me feel more hope, that's all. Thanks, Sarah
wow michelle I must say this is a great thread, thank you for working with us in this way.
it actually took for h to move out of the house for me to get a day off, during his visits i would go out, so I actually had sundays free for me to do what i chose (first days off since sons birth and he's 3 1/2) at first i didn't know what to do with myself and felt like a bad mother for not being there with the kids. I soon learned that, hey I need a life too! I enjoy the time I have off (and plan to keep some of it when h returns) and know that it is good for the kids to be away from me at times too, gives daddy his space to be daddy in his way without me breathing down his back, (I will need practice with this when he returns but am working on not letting the little things get to me)
what I always felt before when i'd go out with my friends w/o h was not good, instead of really enjoying the time I would grow resentful of the fact that h and I didn't do things together.... sooo inorder to lose those feelings and be able to enjoy my friends and not resent h, we'll need to spend our time together doing our things!! my book club is going great and I enjoy it!!!!
W will call/email me just to say hi or chat about nothing in particular
W will say something complimentary (e.g. you look nice)
W will suggest having lunch or dinner sometime
W will come to me to discuss work problems etc..
W will send me a birthday card
Well, the last one happened (!), and W has chatted to me about her job, job hunting etc. a few times. And she has complimented me on the good job I made of decorating daughter's bedroom, and a few other things. So I might be seeing a bit of progress. Still keeping my goals small though! And it is still usually me that initiates contact, though usually with a valid pretext (school etc.)
I have adjusted my goals because of the advice of a successful DBer. I wanted to make it more oriented to what I can do to make things happen.
Long term goals
1 W and I will have moved close enough for her to want to work on our R. 2 My W and I will work on our M with a SBT. 3 I will start going on dates with my W. 4 I will get to the point where the OM doesn’t mean anything to me. 5 I will become the man my W fell in love with again (if not better), and she will let me know how much she missed me. 6 We will spend time together as a family again.
Short term goals
1 I will create an atmosphere in which W feels comfortable asking me to do things with her. 2 I will employ active listening skills, and validate my W feeling so to allow her to feel comfortable enough to ask me to stay longer. 3 I will listen to my W without judgment so that she will feel she can open up to me about things that are personal to her. 4 I will create atmosphere of openness and honesty in which my W will feel she can ask me for my opinion on things in her life 5 I will make sure that I talk to my D every day that I do not have her. 6 I will be the kind of man my wife will want to compliment 7 I will become as good a friend to my wife as she will allow me to be, and she will be interested in my life because of this. 8 I will make new memories with my W that she will look on positively, and she may start remembering some of the times we had together fondly. 9 I will read those books that seem most pertinent to my situation as it is right now. 10 I will make a conscious effort to take time out and just enjoy myself. 11 I will cherish every moment that I spend with my D.
However, I'm going to keep these goals despite whatever outcome.
I really do not wish to make my husband my enemy. So I guess for now I'll go as dim as possible on him while I move slowly through this process. Thanks for replying.
I am new on this but since my wife left from Greece to USA without any contact with me and only with the kids I will just put as goals (1) get her to start communicate with me. I will just sent her a letter how the kids are doing in every day events and nothing else. No love you, no how are you, nothing about me (2) Calm her down because she left with the "I hait you" thing and " I do not love you any more" go and found a girlfriend.
Savedwoman, you're very welcome. Glad you've taken another crack at your goals.
You should give an example of a baby step that makes you freak out and then describe what you'd do instead when your PMA stays steady.
the rest of your goals are much clearer. Good work! Michele
jwhetnc
WAW's say nasty things because they think they have nothing to lose. They're considering leaving so there really aren't any risks to being unhkind. Most are usually either numb or have pent up resentment and it feels good to them to "finally let things out." And yes, these WAW's do turn around sometimes. Just read Another Divorce Busted Forum. Read David's story. It's really wonderful. I understand your pain.
Sarah,
I'm delighted that setting goals has gotten your brain working again. That's fantastic. It's nice to exercise the gray matter, isn't it? It's also important tha tyou recognized that he would want you to be part of his life and that your baby steps would have to relate to that. The rest of your goals sound good. Keep up the good work. And to your last question about baby steps with you and big steps with the OW.... it's all a matter of timing. That's where they're putting their energy NOW. (That's why NOW has OW in it) But everything can change in a moment's notice. And sometimes does. Most men don't leave their wives for OW. Keep that in mind. It may take time, but many people realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side. remember, where there's green grass, there is manure.
lostlove, I'm impressed! You discovered you need a life! Good relationships consist of three parts, me, you and us. You have to be able to do all three parts well to have a satisfying marriage. You're learning a lot now. And another thing. You're enjoying your book club! That was one of your goals. that was fast! You go girl.
Breen, Your progress sounds great. Just keep your eyes on the prize. It certainly sounds as if you're moving in the right direction. That's wonderful.
Blac, Go over goals 1,3,4,6,7,8 and ask yourself, "By doing what?"
bluekeys, Going dim on him sounds good to me. Actually, it sounds like a Chinese dish. :-) Keep us posted on what happens next. And keep your PMA, no matter what.
Patrik, You need to describe how you will calm her down- your second goal. It's not very clear. Post your story on the Newcomer's forum if you haven't already. Okay?
