Bluemoon, You said, I will stop yelling at my H. I will not get upset if I feel ignored by H again. I will forgive, I will stop bringing old hurt feelings back.
You should read the section in Divore remedy about goal setting. YOu need to be a whole lot more specific and you need to state your goals in positive terms. For example, when you say you will stop yelling at your husband, the real question is what will you be doing instead? When you say that you won't get upset when you feel ignored, what will you do instead? How will you act? What will you say? get the picture? Michele
Kibbles, You said, It seems as long as H continues so strongly in the A which has become an obsession and addiction for him; and no matter how much DBing I do, our situation remains the same and feels hopeless. It has created a less-stressful living environment in our home, but has gotten us no closer to reconciliation.
The other option would be for you to stop DBing. Will that increase the chances of reconciliation? I think not. You're right. Affairs stink. They suck the life out of marriages. But that's what's happening right now and I think that a more peaceful feeling between the two of you will stack the deck in your favor. In the end, as you know, there are no guarantees.
I also wonder whether your goals are too ambitious. What do you think? Anything smaller possible? Michele
Lost love, You got it now! Good. My only suggestion... You said, "I will not feel guilty or neglectful of h and kids when I spend time doing things that are for me." What will you be doing or feeling instead? What will your friends notice about you when you stop feeling guilty? Michele
KJ- I like your goals. Just have two additional thoughts. It's hard to have PMA 17 hours a day for anyone. be more realistic. And plus, how will others be able to tell that you are having a PMA? What will you do?
And about the appearance thing. Like it or not, attraction is important. If your spouse is unhappy about certain easy-to-change aspects about you, change them. It will be a win-win situation. Make the commitment. Michele
Blac, I really like your short-term goals. You've got a very clear picture of what you'd like to see happen. I'd suggest you modify the last one though. Read some of your relationship books, not all. Go outside and get a life! You'll feel better and you'll be more appealing that way. Michele
savedwoman, I know you've been around for a while, but you're right, you could use some solution-oriented goals. Even now, your short term goals are far too vague. Read the section on goal-setting in The Divorce Remedy.
1. To detach myself a bit more so I don't get frantic at the tiniest baby step. If you were more detached, how would you respond differently.? What would you do?
2. To have a more stable PMA What does this mean to you?
3. To come up with a way to try to get H to communicate without pursuing him or pushing him away
communicate about what? I'm sure there are some things he's more willing to discuss than others.
4. For H to communicate about something personal and not because he *has* to (bills, responsibilities, etc) This is clear.
5. For me to not open my big mouth and say the wrong things when H does communicate Know what I'm going to say? Okay, what will you be saying or doing differently if your H is communicating?
6. For H to communicate semi-consistently (rather than the once in 6 months thing he's done lately)
what does this mean? How often would he have to call to be a baby step forward?
7. For H to call and to have a positive conversation with no OR talk this is good.
Thanks Michele, I really appreciate you taking the time to give all some pointers and you are right, my goals are very vague. After a year, I guess I was trying not to be picky but I was very vague. Ok, let's try this again:
Short Term Goals:
1. To detach myself a bit more so I don't get frantic at the tiniest baby step so I will be able to better use my DB'ing skills and act rather than react to the situation or conversation. I do great with detaching and having a PMA while being dark because it's almost become a comfort zone for me, it's when there is contact or a baby step that I start to freak out and over-analyze. Detaching more will allow me to keep my cool and act as-if.
2. To have a more stable PMA so that I can better accomplish goal #1 and also to show H a more confident, self assured W rather than the over-emotional, needy W that used to be.
3. To come up with a way to try to get H to communicate without pursuing him or pushing him away. This would include any communication he initiates or would be willing to participate in. To be able to ask him a simple question about the bills and have him reply directly instead of through his brother or not at all.
4. For H to communicate about something personal and not because he *has* to (bills, responsibilities, etc)
5. For me to not open my big mouth and say the wrong things when H does communicate and to respond instead of react when he does communicate. To learn to choose my words carefully and thoughtfully while weighing whether they will bring me closer or take me farther away from my goals. To listen more and not talk so much, to give him positive feedback and to let him know that I do value his feelings and opinions instead of getting defensive because I'm afraid to get hurt again or nervous because I'm afraid of saying the wrong thing. For us both to be more comfortable and able to open up.
6. For H to communicate semi-consistently (rather than the once in 6 months thing he's done lately). A positive baby step would be any phone call or e-mail, since I haven't talked to him since February and only received 1 e-mail (a month ago). Semi-consistently right now would be once a month or even every other month. Then I'll make another goal for once or week, etc. I don't know, Michele, this one is hard, my sitch with communication with H is so weird right now (and has been), I sound desperate for just 1 call or e-mail but that would be more than I've been getting. Trying to come up with ideas on opening the lines of communication but I'm not sure how because I have absolutely no clue what's going on with H or if he'd even welcome communication from me. This is a really tough one I've been trying to sort out for months now. The other BB'ers are throwing ideas my way but I still can't figure out one that would pertain to my sitch.
7. For H to call and to have a positive conversation with no OR talk
Long Term Goals:
1. For H to visit
2. For H to ask me out on a date
3. Becoming best friends again
4. To hear H say he loves me
5. H wanting to work on the marriage
6. Marriage Counseling
7. H coming home
8. H staying home (forgot that one last time and boy is it a needed addition to the list! Been there, done that before)
