1. H will call me this week while out of town just to talk. 2. H will not go out with OW this weekend (doesn't seem very realistic). 3. H will introduce me to people as his wife. 3. H will tell me he wants to date or work on our R, just to see if there is anything left between us. 4. Ultimate goal - H will ask me to move to Germany with him at the end of the year.
I'd like to add this: It seems as long as H continues so strongly in the A which has become an obsession and addiction for him; and no matter how much DBing I do, our situation remains the same and feels hopeless. It has created a less-stressful living environment in our home, but has gotten us no closer to reconciliation.
Ok, I took what you said in your post and also revisited the DR chapter on action-oriented goal setting and here is my modified goal list. I've broken it into 2 lists, one short-term where I'd be better able to gauge small steps in the right direction plus have more control of, and one long-term, which is where I ultimately want to be.
Short-term goals: 1).Stop spying on W/concerning myself w/OM 2).Start working out again 3).Lose weight 4).W will notice/comment on weight loss 5).W will notice/comment on me being in shape again These are goals that allow me to focus on me and not fixate on the relationship while I'm DB'ing/DR'ing. If my wife notices these changes, it means she's probably noticing other things as well.
Long-term goals (very long term but ultimately doable) 1).W will say something positive about R 2).W and I will go out on a date together 2).W will initiate or ask for hugs and kisses 4).We will sleep in the same room together. 5).W will cease contact with OM. As I get thru the short-term goals, I can modify that list to create the next set of short-term goals that lead to the long-term list.
Hopefully this is better than my original list and more action-oriented. And under my control!!
just wanted to thank michelle for taking the time to look over our goals and comment on them.
Quote:
6. to keep living my life for me but with him How will you know when you're living your life for you? What will you be doing?
7. to attempt to "detach" from this bb And what will that look like?
I will know when i am living my life for me, when I am able to do things like my book club and not feel like I am doing it just because it will make the r better but because I enjoy it. I will not feel guilty or neglectful of h and kids when I spend time doing things that are for me.
when I detach from the bb, I will not feel the constant need to check my thread 20 times a day, but will stop by to give updates and check in on others and offer support when I can. LL
By the more patient, I think maybe I mean more active listening. Trying to listen for meaning rather than reacting to what's said. Also trying to keep my anxiety level down. I guess also trying not to go into a discussion or problem solving situation with a pre-determined "answer" in mind.
When my temper is down, I usually have a quieter voice, and appear (not necessarily am inside ) more relaxed.
As for OW, I will try. It's sooo hard. I guess part of what drives me there is to learn what she's all about, perhaps some female competition thing? Learn what she's meeting for my H that I can't?
Yes. Physical appearance. I'm not ugly. But, just a very casual person... just generally wear dockers, jeans, sweaters, that kind of thing. Little makeup. I have a feeling that OW is glamour queen. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Immediate Goals: 1. I will try to project a PMA - 16 hours a day (7 hrs sleep, 1 hr down time or primal scream time) to H, to kids, to co-workers.
2. I will call H 3-5 days a week (currently < 1 day a week) just to say hi. Note, this is more difficult than it sounds: First, I need to find out when is a good time to call. Most times are not good times, or he isn't reachable. He hates answering machines. Doesn't have e-mail. Doesn't carry the cell phone.
3. I will experiment on how to fill his love tank (Ref. Five Love Languages). First Language to try - Affirmation. I will thank him for at least 50% of what he does for me or the family. I will find at least one a day - like a (Thank You) vitamin. 4. I will make him feel special when I come home from work. I will delay my connection with the household (mail, kids, chores) to spend 2 minutes with H with my full attention.
5. I will experiment out how to fill up S (10 yr old) love tank. He feels left out - middle child. First Language to try - Spend time together (at bedtime).
Mid Term Goal MT1. I will change the way I react to criticism. How? - I will speed up my recognition of criticism to less than 10 minutes later. - I will remark to H that I felt critized in a non-aggressive manner within 2 hours, if practicable. (How? or Is this possible?) - I will try to forgive him for criticizing me.
MT2. I will try to change my appearance. Unfortunately, I don't want to do this. If I do this now, it will be to try to please him, and not for me. I don't mind the way I look - as long as I smile. He is very disappointed about some aspects that aren't too difficult to change, but require a maintenance committment that I don't want to sign up for.
Long Term Goal - January 2003 and on. LT1. I will want to go on a 7-10 day vacation with him without kids. (Right now, I don't want to, any venue. I can't see how it could be fun - just more expectations.)
LT2. My husband will never say he wants me to move out, ever again. (It would be nice if he apoligized for the last 6 times, but I don't expect he ever will.)
These are considerably different than my July 25, version - they were "I want" instead of "I will". -KJ
Here are the goals that I have come up with so far. Please let me know in what ways I can make them better.
Long term goals 1 W will admit the possibility of us staying together. (Right now say that she wants D no discussion) 2 W will agree to counseling again. (with SB therapist) 3 W will agree to go out on a date with me. 4 W will admit that she misses me. 5 OM will be out of the R. 6 We will do an activity together as a family
Short term goals 1 W will ask me to do something not related to D or housework. 2 W will ask me to stay longer when I am there. 3 W will open up to me about something personal. 4 W will ask my opinion on something in her life. 5 W will start having our D call every night to say goodnight (we had decided on this long ago, but she has kept it up very well. Missed last four days she has had her.) 6 W will give me a compliment about anything. 7 W will ask about my life other than if I am dating anyone. 8 W will remember something we did together fondly. 9 To read all the books I have purchased about R.
Thanks for your feedback Michele- let me really understand baby-steps and patience. MY do nots: 1. I will not talk about OW. 2. I will not explain why we should try again, and explain again and ask "why?". 3. I will not read emails, phone messages, or ask about his whereabouts. 4. When H says something, I will not take it personally. I will not be affected by negative comments.
MY do's 1. I will concentrate efforts on my kids, career and myself. I will speak lovingly to my children, I will be effective at work, by applying myself to the job at hand. I will feel good about myself. 2. I will speak clearly, without anger, and "show who I am"; no more wishy-washy. 3. I will pursue business ideas I have, and friendships I have forgotten about.
H will 1. Not say "shphew" (a little condescending retort). 2. Kiss me when we have sex. 3. Invite me over for TV time. 4. Pay me a compliment. 5. Spend the weekend with me. 5. Invite me to a work party. 6. Want to try again. Sarah 6. Invite
I'm not exactly a Newcomer (S 1 yr) but I do need to make new goals:
Short Term Goals:
1. To detach myself a bit more so I don't get frantic at the tiniest baby step. 2. To have a more stable PMA 3. To come up with a way to try to get H to communicate without pursuing him or pushing him away 4. For H to communicate about something personal and not because he *has* to (bills, responsibilities, etc) 5. For me to not open my big mouth and say the wrong things when H does communicate 6. For H to communicate semi-consistently (rather than the once in 6 months thing he's done lately) 7. For H to call and to have a positive conversation with no OR talk
Long Term Goals:
1. For H to visit 2. For H to ask me out on a date 3. Becoming best friends again 4. To hear H say he loves me 5. H wanting to work on the marriage 6. Marriage Counseling 7. H coming home
jwhetnc, You did a great job. Your goals are very clear. I do have one thing I want to say to you.
If your spouse were beginning to think she wants to come home, it won't start out with her saying so. she will call you for other reasons. She will give excuses for stopping by or contacting you. You see, she's testing the waters and doesn't want to tell you the real reason because she doesn't want you to get your hopes up in case it doesn't work out. I'm telling you this so that you find joy in her calls, even if she doesn't have much to say or ask about. Be patient. This is a really good sign. Act non-chalant about it. If she thinks you're wildly happy about her visits or calls, it will scare her. You be the one to say you've got to get off the phone some time. That will blow her mind! You're doing great.
) more relaxed.