Chrissa, you said: 1) Move out of "our" house into a wonderful, comfortable new place, with lots of light and openness. (I am giving the house back to H)
This is good.
2) Get past my own personal drama and histrionics, and accept the D with dignity. I will do nothing to encourage it or move it along, but I will not fight. This does not mean entirely giving up hope, but rather means that I will put it away on a shelf for now, and stop looking for the mixed messages.
How will you put the divorce on the shelf? How will you behave with dignity? what exactly does this mean to you?
3) Remain close friends with H, with frequent warm, friendly communication and occasional in-person visits.
Clear enough, for sure.
4) Forgive H, OW, and most important, myself.
Any guesses about what I'm going to say here? That's right, not specfic enough. How will you know when you have started to forgive? What will you be doing, thinking, saying to yourself that you haven't done, said or thought yet?
I would like H to want to give the M another try. I have moved out, so I would like him to ask me to move back in to the house and to give the M another shot with the commitment to learn to love one another again.
To do this he needs to: 1- Feel loved by me. 2- Feel adored by me. 3- Know that the times I disagree with him, I still respect his opinion.
These goals are very much about how he felt about the M, but he needs to want to try the M again. Afterwards, there are a lot of goals from there about how to make the M more loving, but first he has to want to try again. So what can I do to make myself more attractive to him? My goals are: 1- To develop my career. To get another job like the one I have, but with higher pay. 2- To be a wonderful mother. To build a nurturing relationship with my boys.
Yes, but how? 3- To pursue hobbies and outside interests that bring joy to my life. 4- To exude happiness. Enjoy life. To be the best "Sarah" there is.
Again, when you exude happiness, enjoy life and are the best Sarah possible, how do you act? What do you do? Michele
Kenu, You said, Ok, Here are my goals that I wrote down when I began reading DR, please tell me if they're not specific enough. I figured I needed to revisit these or get input from others.
1). W will agree to return to counseling together (currently I'm going alone).
Don't worry about this. If you're going to a good counselor, s/he can help you achieve your goals even if your W won't attend.
2). W will plan a date for just the 2 of us (no kids)
3). W will agree to work on relationship (is this the same as 1).
I've said this to others above, without knowing your situation, it's hard to tell whether you've bitten off more than you can chew here. A reluctant spouse is not likely to want to initiate having a date or admitting openly that she wants to work on your marriage. These actions take time. So, ask yourself, "What will be the very first sign that I'm moving in a positive direction? Michele "
LL. You said, goals, 1. to have h ask to take me out of the house without kids. (before the football game)
is this doable within the next 2 weeks? If not, break it down to a smaller goal.
2. to have h ask to come over on a non-scheduled night 3. to not cry when h tells me he loves me 4. to have h move back home by christmas 5. to actually read the books for my book club These are all good
6. to keep living my life for me but with him How will you know when you're living your life for you? What will you be doing?
7. to attempt to "detach" from this bb And what will that look like?
8. to get son potty trained (stubborn little taurus) Hmmmm... 9. to do more decorating of the house 10.to laugh more with h (he's crackin me up lately) 11. to get some sleep Define this more clearly.One more thought, you've got a lot of goals here. Maybe you should think about which of these, if they were to be accomplished, would make the biggest difference in your life. Okay? Michele
Liza, You said, 1. I want my husband to miss me! how will you know when that happens? What will he be doing/saying?
2. I want him to feel Comfortable being in the same room with me. same feedback. 3. I want H to look me in the eyes when he talks to me....STOP avoiding eye cantact altogether.
This is clear
4. Want H to be concerned and iterested in my well being...not just the kids. Will he ask about you? What will he do that will make you feel his concern? Michele
jwhetnc, You said, Back off and give W time to think. This means no unecessary phone calls. If she calls me, then no "M" talk.
2- As a result of my backing off, I hope that W will eventually call me just to see how I'm doing. Good goals
3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
These goals will take some time. You should focus on something smaller. You will feel more encouraged that way.
5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood. Wonderful! How will you do this?
6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient. Glad to see you understand this. It is very important. Now tell me, how will you know that you are being patient? What will be different about you?
7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me. I hope you're going by yourself. Counseling with both spouses isn't absolutely necessary to achieve good results!
7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted. How you will know that you are continuing to be aware of your behaviors? What will you do? How will you show her that you are considerate and not taking her for granted?
8- W will show interest in doing things here at home. Like?
9- W will want to come home. Bingo. Go slowly. Be patient. One step at a time. Michele
Bluekeys, You said 1. I will be more patient. I know I can be "Pushy" when it comes to making a decision... making it look like I want a certain outcome, when in reality I just want a problem "solved." As a result, I hope that my H can work with me on practical matters in a peaceful manner to make a win-win outcome. describe what the more patient you will do during heated discussions.
2. I will not let my temper get me into trouble! Hopefully, my H will take the hint and won't argue in response so we can have a peaceful discussion.
When you have your temper under control, what do you do differently? What would a peaceful discussion look like in your home?
3. I will end OW discussions (although I won't stop learning about her... need to rip a page or two out of her strategy book, but not steal the whole novel ). That way, H doesn't feel berated (I intensely dislike her).
Does this mean you will stop asking about the OW?
4. I will try to be "darker" to H. Difficult to do with kids, house, etc., but I think I can do this by listing problems that need discussion and then waiting to discuss, phone, email about them once every couple of days, rather than the round of emails, phone calls, etc. we go through. That way, H won't see me as "mommy" or the "responsible" one every day. Great!
5. Continue to work on myself slowly as well... update the wardrobe, the look, the attitude. Market myself against OW . Maybe this way, if the D train doesn't get rolling, H can see me in new eyes and want to spend more time around me! So, do you mean by working on yourself- improving your physical appearance? Michele
Fryedude, You said W would call just to ask me how I am doing or feeling. 2. W would come over to see me even if under a pretense of working out details of divorce. 3. W would ask to do something together. Is this too ambitious for the next week or two? If so, smaller sign please.
4. W would show signs of wanting to slow down or rethink divorce action. When this happens, how will you know? What will happen? Michele
Christi-Bailey, You did a great job being clear and specific. My only question is whether what you want to happen will happen within the next two weeks. If you think not, Identify some smaller goals to achieve. But you're on the right track as far as being concrete. Okay? Michele
Quote: 3- I will stick to goal 1 concerning M talk, as a result I hope that my W will eventually ask me to do something with her such as dinner or something.
4- I will stick to goal 1 when spending time with W. As a result, I hope that she will eventually ask me to talk with her about our M.
You said:
Quote: These goals will take some time. You should focus on something smaller. You will feel more encouraged that way.
Heres my ideas on some smaller goals: A. Phone Calls . One issue I see right now is that it seems that when my W calls she always gives some reason for why she's calling me. The calls are usually very brief. She always says, "I gotta go", like she's so busy she can't talk to me. She sometimes mentions one or two things she's been doing, but doesn't go into detail, and she rarely shows any interest in what I'm doing. If she does ask about an activity she knows I'm involved in, she doesn't really give me the opportunity to go into it. She makes it very brief. Almost as if she asked just to be polite, but really doesn't care. It gives me the impression that all she cares about right now is herself.
My goals concerning this would be: 1- I should be patient, and try not to get frustrated. I have to realize that it will take time for her to feel like sharing things with me, and for her to truly build an interest in me and my activities. 2- It would be encouraging if she would call me "just to be calling". 3- I would be encouraged if she shared with me something about her day at work. 4- I would be encouraged if she sincerely asked about something I'm doing, and wanted me to tell her the details concerning the activity. 5- It would be encouraging if she just called to tell me something funny that she heard - or that happened to her. 6- I won't bring up any M talk when she calls, and I'll just try to be a friend to her for now.
I do think she is making tiny baby steps. She has continued to call me about small matters, some of which we had already discussed and made a decision on. There have been some calls that just made me scratch my head and go "hmmm"?...
B. Time Together Right now we aren't doing anything together. We do have tentative plans on one thing. I started taking karate recently, and have my first tournament coming up. She knows this is something I have wanted to do for a long time and seems to be proud of me for finally doing it. A few weeks ago, I told her that it would be nice if she could go to the tournament. She called last night to ask when the tournament is, and seems sincere in wanting to go - but she doesn't want to ride together. This really hurt my feelings, because the tournament is a 2 hour drive from here. At some point, this situation became an issue in our marriage. For whatever reasons, many times my W stopped wanting to ride together places. This never made any sense to me - and I still struggle with it. She said she likes riding by herself. Part of this may be because she is a smoker and I am not. Or maybe it's because we had reached a point in our marriage where I grated on her nerves all the time.
My goals concerning this would be: 1- I need to try and understand that my W has her reasons for having drawn away and not feeling comfortable doing things with me - or riding with me places. Therefore, I shouldn't make an issue out of it. 2- I would be encouraged by any offer from my W for us to do anything at all together. 3- If/when my W wants to do things with me, I should be cool about it and not make a big deal about it. 4- I should be encouraged by the fact that my W wants to come to my karate tournament, and not let it bother me that she doesn't want to ride with me right now. 5- I should not bring up any M talk. I will let her broach that subject whenever she feels ready.
Other: 1- I should be encouraged by the fact that she has not changed her mailing address yet. 2- I should be encouraged by the fact that she has not told her family about our separation. [they live in another state] 3- I should be encouraged by the fact that she still maintains some small presence here at home, such as a login on the computer (which she didn't have to put back on when she reformatted the hard drive a couple weeks ago). 4- I should be encouraged by the fact that she mentioned in a phone call yesterday that Home Depot has a grill on sale. I think this indicates an interest on her part in our home.
Quote: 5- If/When W does get to the point she is ready to talk about our M, I will be a better listener by seeking first to understand, then too be understood. Wonderful! How will you do this?
I will be a better listener by doing the following: 1- I will maintain eye contact at all times. 2- I will not interupt when she is talking to me. 3- I will clear my mind when she is talking to me, and give her my full attention. This means that I will not let myself start thinking of a rebuttal, my opinion, or anything else concerning what I want to say. 4- I will repeat back to her what I think she is trying to tell me - in order to ensure that I have understood her correctly. 5- I will respect her feelings and opinions, whether I agree or disagree.
Quote: 6- I will understand that this is a process and will not come about overnight. So I will be patient. Glad to see you understand this. It is very important. Now tell me, how will you know that you are being patient? What will be different about you?
I will know I am being patient when: 1- I am not bothered by her not calling me for a while. 2- When she calls, I am satisfied with just getting the call, and not expecting or asking for more. 3- Whenever we are around each other, I do not bring any talk concerning the M (I haven't been sucessful at that yet) 4- For me to not dwell on the situation, but to go on with my life and just let things fall into place in their own good time. 5- When W does offer to do something with me, for me not to push or pressure for me to get my way.
Quote: 7- I hope that W will show interest in going to C with me. I hope you're going by yourself. Counseling with both spouses isn't absolutely necessary to achieve good results!
I am going alone. It does occasionally get a little frustrating though, because at times I feel like I am speculating on how she feels. I am sure it would make it easier if the C could hear her side of things straight from her - instead of going through me. But, I will just keep working on my issues, and hope that some day my W will show an interest on going also. If not, I won't let it bother me.
Quote: 7- If/when my W is willing to work on our M, I will be aware of my behavours so that I do not repeat the controlling and smothering that caused so much damage in the past. I will be considerate and not take her for granted. How you will know that you are continuing to be aware of your behaviors? What will you do? How will you show her that you are considerate and not taking her for granted?
Before I speak or act, I will pause a moment to consider my purpose and the affect it will have. I will take the time to think about her feelings and to understand her point of view.
Quote: 8- W will show interest in doing things here at home. Like?
1- Well, she did show some interest yesterday by mentioning a grill on sale at Home Depot. 2- She would show interest by wanting to come out and see the horses. 3- She would show interest by wanting to come out and help on the barn (we have been building a barn together). 4- She would show interest by wanting to come to the house and grill some steaks or something. 5- She would show interest by picking up something for the house. 6- She would show interest just by coming by to hang out for a while. (yesterday she came by to pick up her mail, even though I told her previously that I would bring it to her when I came to work this week - and we live about a half hour from town - so I think she was just finding a reason to drive out here)
I do feel like she does make baby steps, but then pulls back. I just have to keep being patient, not expect too much, and when I get frustrated, try to put myself in her place and attempt to understand where she's coming from. I have to just settle in and expect that this will take a while - but that it is worth the wait.
