Can anyone comment on my first goal? I need to think up a few more, but this one seems the most immediate. I guess my first goal would be to make H more comfortable talking to me and being around me. Is that a good one? How will I know this is happening? He will start answering his cell phone when I call him. He might call me once in a while. He might e-mail me something about his day. He will come over to get the mail, and stop to talk to me awhile. When I call him he will talk for at least 10 minutes
Do these goals sound helpful and reasonable?
How can I achieve them?
Maybe no R talk for at least a month. He seems nervous since I brough up OW. I will not say anything about that for a month either. I will call him on his cell phone once a week, and leave a cheerful voice mail. I will also send him one e-mail a week, asking about his life, and telling him about mine. Do these sound good?
I don't know. Depends on your sitch. In my sitch, I am trying to be very dark with my W, because I smothered and controlled her so much. So, I am not calling, emailing, or otherwise attempting to make any contact at all right now. I am trying to give her a lot of time and space to figure out what she wants. I intend to wait and let her approach me.
I want you to know, that goal setting really does seem to work. Goal #1. H feels love from me. No screeching, crying, blaming. Man, this is hard. I am so mad, but my anger and impatience has not helped AT ALL. He did not fall in love w me 20 yrs ago because I begged him too. Quite the opposite. He was the pursuer. And besides, I didn't show love towards him (his way, at least). The way I used to show love towards H was by wanting to be with him and share in his activities becuase I saw him for who he was, not who I wanted him to be. So, the goal setting that my H feels love from me is actually possible now, becuase I accept him again. I put the thoughts of ow out of my mind. No mention. I don't let his comments affect me. I like myself and know I will be ok. Sometimes it's easier to change the behavior patterns, remember actions speak louder than words. He's definitely kinder nowadays, and he even smiles at me once in a while. So, my goal here was for him to feel love, well, he can't do it unless I am loving. I can't be loving if I am vengeful or angry.
Goal #2. H feels admired by me. I beginning to remember why I married him. He's quite an original thinker, but I understand him, I guess. I love to listen to him. Take the time and be with him.
Goal #3. Be able to disagree with respect.
My goals are very much about the feelings we evoke when with others. Is that what a relationship is about, feeling good about yourself when your with someone else.
Pursue hobbies for myself. Make myself happy and therefore desirable.
Overall, have patience. Accept that this takes a very long time. Use the time to develop myself. Not to be hard on myself. Accept that I am human. Enjoy life, my children, my career. Sarah
Hi gang, Boy, you've really have gotten far with this. It's great! I'd like to comment on the goals so far. I probably won't be able to comment on everyone's goals, so be patient.
JimfromBoston,
Since I'm not completely familiar with your whole story, it's hard for me to tell whether your goals are realistic given that you want them to happen "within the next month." Things have to be moving along quite well for your wife to want to have a night out with you without the kids. So, evaluate whether you've broken your goals down into small, doable chunks. And in regards to your 3rd goal, I'd say hold off for now. Judge by her actions, not her words. Okay?
1. i'd like my wife and i to be able to spend some quality time together, either having dinner together, going for a walk, etc. - without her feeling smothered.
As I said to Jimfromboston, are you being realistic about her wanting to eat dinner with you right now? If so, great, if not, think of something that could happen within the next week or two that would be a sign that you are moving in that direction. Also, what would have to happen for you to know that she's not feeling smothered? How would she behave differently?
2. i'd like to be able to spend waking hours together in our apartment without there being tension or things being uncomfortable.
Okay, good. Then what would replace th tension? What would happen instead. remember, goals should always be stated positively. And what would be different about your behavior and hers that would be a sign that you are feeling more comfortable?
3. for my wife to feel comfortable enough to express that she sees that our relationship is getting better and/or that she has had doubts about the D
Even in the best of circumstances, verbal reassurances are usually the last thing to happen. So try again.
4. i'd like, before i move out (prob. less than 30 days), for my wife to express a desire to put the D-process on hold and re-assess the situation.
Well-stated! I'd like that too! Michele comments? Michele, would love you to weigh in.
Sully, You said, I have just a few goals right now:
1)have W feel like we are a family again.
2)W will want to have an outing with just me and her without feeling smothered.
3)Make my relationship with my son better than it is.
4)W to see that i have changed and changing.
rather that respond goal by goal, I have some advice. You need to describe your goals in action-oriented terms. For example, What will you and your son be doing differently that will make you think that you and he are developing a better relationship? The key is in describing the actions! Try again with each of your goals. Michele
