Just wanted to let you know that after I read your last post on my thread, I got up from my laptop and went in and sat down in the living room with S4. You are very right about my S4. I don't think that lack of attention is his only issue, but I know that it's a big one.
Many things you mentioned about yourself in the post got me to wondering about you and I've read through this thread. I am glad to have found someone who is also faced with the kinds of decisions I am re: major relocation and career stuff heaped on top of a long distance M that has only recently been rekindled.
I want to stay in touch with you. Everything you said in your post on my thread was very valuable.
I also want you to know my current slant on things: I don't have much faith that a crippled M can pull through these kinds of major changes, but I also think, the big advantage to giving the relocation a shot is that you will have closure if it doesn't work out and you re-relocate. You're not an idiot for trying again, you just aren't all-knowing.
I just tried to be very observant in life. Spent some time climbing phone poles in bad weather and fixing things, then babysitting and managing the new guys. Moved on to designing some wide area data networking and fiber optic thingys for some school districts. Took a lump sum early retirement to re-invent myself again. Was about the time of the beginning of the end of the M. Doing some construction and energy management thingy now at a school district. Maybe next I will try meditating in the mountains.
Only time will tell if any of us have been any help. We hope so. Till then all we can do is tell you how much we want to see your M succeed, as long as it is not at the expense of your own identity or spirit. Take care. Do good.
j-Thanks for your post over on my thread Here. It caused me to come over and check out your sitch. I can't add anything - other than to say I admire your family committment, and God Bless You. I'm keeping an eye on your thread.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
glad I read the post tonight. Good timing. As BND and you know, I am having some trouble piecing it all with H wanting back in the M, but under his terms I guess. I feel differently about him than I did before, mostly not as good. I've said love is a choice, and yet I fear making it.
I sooooo get what BND meant about being the strong one, all the time, every day, forever and ever. 24/7 parenting, house, yard, cars, bills, college applications, oh--wait, I HAVE A JOB/CAREER too.......When do we get a break? Jesus, if anyone had a right to bolt out the door, it wouldn't be the H's..... okay, I have a cold, and feel like crap. Maybe that's it. Patience.
BND, you are probably right about how I should be avoiding the OM, but I gotta tell you, I feel very little guilt so far. Of course, have not done anything major. But I like him, and he is kind to me... and oh, btw, guess what else?? HE IS HERE!!!!... H is NOT!!!! by his choice he lives in .....the one place I asked not to live.....first the fellowship/for his 197th credential, 300 miles, and now 3000 miles away for the world's "best job", which he sought NO WHERE else... Been gone going on 18 months now....what the hell am I supposed to do if this goes on forever?
No matter what I do, I have to hurt someone in my family, thanks to H's unilateral choices....my daughter's will be split up, and I'll have no boundaries enforced, if I go up there with d9... and if I don't go, then what? I guess the M ends, or what's left of it.....and d9 has no dad around....it stinks.
OKAY, I am venting...I understand everything you, BND, have said times ten. I only hope I can be as forgiving as you when I am with my H. He will be here for the holidays, as you know. Maybe when he's here I'll feel better. He rarely brings up R talk, unless it's about me coming up there.
Just curious, I should NOT tell H about OM correct? I mean, until IF and when I think I love OM, what's the point? I'm not sleeping with OM....yet... Why don't I feel a big guilt trip? Why?? Probably anger. Maybe that's what this is all about. I thought I had gotten better about that. But H really hurt our M, me, and our d's... and especially d17. ...This is her father who left us/her just before her junior year of HS and is still gone for her senior year....her grades dropped last year and although they are high again, the GPA suffered enough to keep her out of the IVy Leagues, where her brother is...and where she could have been....maybe I should be glad she's going to save us so much money in tuition. The damage is real, and the effects on others b/c of his choices, OMG, they're huge......Do I even get to mention it to H? What's the point?
Forgiving for what they did to us is one thing; I've got my faults too. But dang, BND how do you deal with your kids' pain? How can I help D17 to reconcile with H and how can I help him to do whatever it is he needs to do to get that with her? HOW did your d start getting better with your H? What did it take? Who did what?
My b-day last week, I got 2 dozen roses from H and a message(s) that included how "much better our future will be, this will be the last birthday of [mine} we'll be apart..." etc......I was happy with that, and grateful. Better than last year for sure.... But then fear comes in and I find myself wondering.... I wonder, HOW will it be better? Then anger pops up AGAIN.....Oh You mean, if I move up there, NEVER feeling that our M and family are as important as his flippin' job? .....dang, way toooo negative right now.
I must get this worked out soon. I cannot go up there with THIS attitude or failure will be a certainty....
If only I believed that H wanted US more than anything else.......BND, I know you get it.... Oh the irony of it all....if H volunteered to give his stupid job up, I'd move there for a trial at least...ANYHOW, another hijack. SORRY guys!! Wth?? Why don't I just post this elsewhere? How do I do that? Copy and paste? (No pc skills here...thought the little people would do that for me when I went to school...big mistake.)
BND, I am still wanting to do the "DB a thon" for your H at Christmas. Let US know where to send the checks!! FOLKS, catch my earlier post about sending bucks into BND's sitch so her H can come home this Christmas....seriously, I am throwing in 100$ and another guy is too, so that's 200$ so, BND, what does it cost? You have helped a lot of people and inspired so many and wth? At least you're a good cause that I actually "know"...DBers, pitch in please!!
And BND, as for your H's comments re: dating, I agree with W2, that your H is being "normal", (for MLC and whatever "normal" means with it). Although you may have feared it meant some sort of "open" R, I didn't get that.... Plus, you are "exploring in the bedroom", and all I can say to that is you Go Girl!!
What were you saying you feared? An "Open" R?? ***Btw, reminds me of a crazy woman I knew who told me her H and she had an "open" M, and she "always" told her H whenever she slept with OM, b/c "IF you don't have honesty in a M, how are you gonna have trust?"*** (I loved that line the moment I heard it....they are divorced...seriously....big surprise...)
Well, keep on keepin' on and tell us what to do with our checks! j-
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
((((J))) First of all thank you for your very kind and sweet gesture to help me get my Husband home for Christmas.
But I also know that most people are totally strapped financially at this time of year and are trying to provide for their own families.
The airfare is expensive right now, more then double the usual costs. I did check online at Orbitz and it is about $900, which is outrageous.
I will continue to pray for a miracle but it is nothing that I am counting on. The very fact that I have friends here on this board who would even consider this just floors me, thank you!!
As for your sitch. Oh J, I do know the inner struggle from which you speak.
Trying to forgive the atrocities of our WAS and trying to love them while the thoughts of the damage they have done comes to the forefront of our minds and sometimes negates all of the good they are trying to do.
Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and let down your guard with absolutely no guarantees.
Protecting your children's emotions like a Mother bear because there is nobody else who can be their advocate, because your other half went AWOL and never looked back to see the damage he did.
And now you have found this OM who makes you feel all of the things you NEED to feel not only as a person but also as a woman.
Neither your H or the OM is a sure thing. And NO do not tell your H about the OM.
I am trying to be realistic in the fact that my life will never be the same as it was before MLC. I have never stopped loving him but I have stopped trusting him. Trust will have to be earned over time.
I also think for you it means giving up control and allowing your Husband to resume his place as head of the household. A place that technically he doesn't deserve because this would mean that he had been there and put his family first, no matter what.
Allowing him to be the man and giving up your voice is a huge decision to make and I think it can be done IF there is a full commitment from him.
As for my H and the boyfriend/girlfriend thing, I do understand what he was saying. We talked a little about it yesterday.
I think a huge part of my problem during the marriage was making the children a priority, not him.
At this stage of the game he wants us to enjoy each other and make our relationship a priority outside of the Mommy/Daddy role.
When we go out I don't dress like MOM, but rather his sexy wife that he can show off. Gee, I've never been a trophy wife before!
Our relationship in the bedroom has changed also, neither of us in as inhibited as before and that has also helped. We are both able to talk about what we want and that makes a big difference.
I can see that he really put up with alot of crap from me, after going through so many pregnancies, and the hormones and the nursing and haveing no outside support from family.
I had a hard time losing the last 30 pounds after the last baby was born and I was also very tired and worn out. I saw some photos of myself recently from that time period and I looked like hell.
He compliments me daily on my appearance, the way I dress now, the makeup, my size 2 body. He told me that I am the first person he thinks of when he wakes up each morning and the last when he goes to bed at night.
These are things I needed to hear for a long time, and so as shallow as I might seem, I like being told that my Husband finds me beautiful and sexy.
I will no longer allow myself to be 2nd best. I need to be first and have told him this.
J, you do not have to make a decision right now, the fact that you are still wavering means that you are undecided. See how things go at Christmas and play it by ear.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
In reading your situation, I found a few similarities to my own, so let me come at you from the other side a little. My W followed me into the Air Force, and through 4 moves, and finally here to AZ. She willingly moved around and in fact committed to follow me while I was in the military. Once we settled here in AZ was when I first ran into a problem similar to what you describe. When I left one job and took another (same location and pay, just more percieved financial risk in her eyes), she really showed the lengths she would go to to have control. She fought my job switch for 5 years, constantly berating me, withholding affection, etc, after I did it when she disagreed that I should. My new job involved an uptick in travel (I travel probably 15-20% of work days), and about the same hours (I work 45-50 hrs per week, no weekends). I can tell you I thought her attitude was completely out in left field - that my employment should be up to me. She still does not understand this, even today. If I were, for instance, say I was preparing to start a business, guess what - WWIII all over again. Except, this time, I would be gone. I have not ever left for an extended time, although that possibility was always there during my military career, and I did have a couple of 6-week TDYs in there. In her eyes, when I switched jobs, I chose 'career' over her. I still today just cannot see that.
My wife has always had a confrontational attitude about things like work hours, trying to insist that I do what she says about them, refusing to even discuss it when I say, for instance, that I might need to work late or on a weekend day. She completely fears losing control, and therefore she believes she should never give even an inch about anything. Everything is a slippery slope to her, with some unacceptable result at the end, so she fights every battle like hamburger hill or something. This is not just work, it is everything, finances, raising kids, you name it.
I don't see my W's attitude in you over your H's move. I see you taking steps to keep your D in high school, with friends, which is good. I went to 3 high schools and I can see the wisdom of your approach.
Let me address the OP. Like you, I have met someone who has made me really think about the future. I have met someone who has shown me, in a short time, what I am missing in an R. Someone who offers affirmation, support, a smile, interesting conversation, who actually needs me, at least as a friend, and lets me know it. My goodness what an eye opener it has been. For it has shown me I am too young to live the rest of my life in a miserable relationship. It has shown me that people in relationships should make efforts to show they care about each other. That people should not be afraid to affirm each other, to tell each other they are OK, desirable, loved, cherished.
J, I see in you a desire to want to have your H be the one to meet your needs, so long unmet. I see you wanting to give him another chance. But I see you feeling like you will have to surrender too much to do so. I see that your H maybe misses you all, but has not really shown you that he has changed. And here is where you and I meet, because, in my sitch, I am in exactly this place. I see little evidence that my W is willing to change and to address the severe deficiencies in meeting my needs, to address the communication difficulties, the control, the constant hurtful comments, etc. So, like you, I have this moral question before me. And the really soul searching questions like "how will I look back on this in 20 years?" are there. For me, at least, the kids are older, so I don't have to soul search as much over that part. I guess, my friend, that is the definition of a crossroads. How do I answer the question "does my wife really care enough to change?" And that is your question as well. Thank you for all of your advice over on our controlling spouse thread.
