Glad to see you are feeling better. I was concerned when I read your last post. Don't stay gone so long the next time.
Love,Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
You were one of the first sitchs I read, even if the circumstances were much, much different. It's good to hear from you and I'm glad that you were able to show such class during turkey day.
Thanks OTB. That's a darn good question. I have been thinking lately that a year a go, I seemed, in some ways, in better shape than I am in now. I think I got another stress hit (finances) which snuck up on me and I abandoned DB principles when it happened, climbed back in my shell as it were. I miss the fun BigAl from a year ago. I am going to get him back.
Just a quick update. Last night I went to the kids Christmas show at their school. Just me, XW, her new H (former OM), X-MIL and X-SIL. It was great to see the kids in the show of course and sucky to see XW and OM play at being a couple (and OM play at being a dad). They did this a LOT more than at Thanksgiving. Maybe because the situation was more "intimate". I have never seen XW laugh and smile so much, and I must say it depressed the hell out of me until this a.m. when it dawned on me that maybe there was a bit of over acting going on. Who knows? I don't.
Anyway, I still make OM feel uncomfortable, which is cool. He does try to initiate conversations with me and I answer like a normal human being, but I apparently do a good job of projecting hidden thoughts because he generally turns tail and hides behind XW's skirts (so to speak).
And if I may be allowed...I say GOOD. Hope it haunts the bastard for the rest of his life. Hey, I have needed to let that one out for a looong time.
Good to hear things are picking up for you then. I know what it's like with financial pressure, especially lately since I got laid off, and it sure does take a toll.
Hmmm....find that happy BigAl and the ladies will come flocking back waiting on you with baited breath (funny saying that, who would want someone whose breath smells like bait anyway?)
Keep in touch. There are a lot of guys in going through what you are and they could sure use some encouragement and words of knowledge.
Now, go find Bathseeba's twin, but much naughtier, sister Lillith and spin the ladies a yarn!
YAY AL!!!! You're too great of a guy to be down in the dumps for long!!! Seriously, I'm glad things seem to be on the upswing for you. We miss you. Oh yeah, we miss Bathsheba too.....Now, about that Lilith????
Hi Big Al...I know exactly what you mean - for whatever reason, I also think in some ways I was doing better mentally a year ago...but in many ways, we are now dealing with the reality and long-term aftermath of divorce. I think that slowly, this whole experience is being woven into our lives, and sometimes it feels better than others. Holidays are difficult, but you and I both know that overall, we will thrive!
Take care, Big Stud Al...finish up all that grading and then enjoy your holiday break!
I went back to my thread one year ago today thinking that I could demonstrate how much better things were a year later and thereby disperse the myth we have been telling around Surviving this week about how things were not really different.
Dangit, it seemed like a good idea. But the short version is the only difference between this year and last is that she is married to him now...Well, sorta, anyway.
I got the time and despite feeling near exhausted half an hour ago, I have the energy too so here we go.
Part I "I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter..."
You know how early on you kept waiting for the hurt to subside? You would go along, feeling ok but wary that you were going to dissolve into goo for no damn reason at any moment. Every once and awhile, I would plumb the depths of my feelings, like touching the sore spot with your finger just to see if it still hurts. After awhile, that feeling goes, and it gets replaced with some other, less sharp but no less annoying, feeling. The one that allows us to be bitter and divorced.
Lately I have been thinking that I am not letting go of it all as well as I should be. I won't recount how or why. I'll just say I have been carrying a load that is getting heavy. I have a huge pack strapped to my back that isn't mine and doesn't have anything friggen in it. Why don't I just dump it on the side of the road and move on? Seems like that blinkin' blinkin' straps have been stuck, and it just dawned on me recently that I have a knife and I could just cut it free. Up till now, I think have been kinda figuring I had to cut my arm off to get away, but the strap would be a lot less painful.
So letting go of the past may the top agenda item in 2007. I need to figure out how, but to finish the quote above
"I think it's about forgiveness"
Part II "I got divorced and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"
A year ago, I would have said that a deep and meaningful insight into the relationships between men and women was the most positive thing I gained from this experience. That, and some knowledge about depression, grief, etc. I felt (and still feel) that I was able to be a helpful friend to others in need because I had this insight. But what has it done for me lately?
Well a coupla things. One of which just dawned on me today (or yesterday at this point). I sat at the ex's with some ex-in-laws for Christmas Eve and they were talking about...depression go figure...and their own bouts with it. They were telling one of their number that they thought he should consider if he was suffering from depression and also sharing that they had suffered from it and had been treated for it. This was well known for one person talking and a big, big surprise from the other. The person they told seemed to be somewhat convinced that they had a point, which was another big surprise.
But what I learned more than anything was that it is very, very true that we can be so sucked into our own horrors that we imagine everyone else, who is not suffering from our exact same problem, must be feeling wonderfully.
Wrong. Lots of things hit us in life. Lots of people are hurting out there. I have told myself that I could stand to show a little more friggen compassion to my fellow human beings and not just went it benefits me.
Which brings me to....
Part III "Is that your love life in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
I call this one "The Babysitter Problem". A couple months ago, the babysitter for my kids, a woman I have known nearly ten years, a beautiful woman with an extremely sweet disposition, began to confide in me about the dramatic downturn in her second marriage. Lots of problems are going on and she has WAW painted all over her in big, neon pink letters and her husband is blazing new trails in field of shoving your wife away as hard as you can. Well, you say to yourself, she has come tot hte right place. Who better than the insightful and experienced BigAl to turn to when this situation arises, right? Wrong! Turns out, BigAL is a selfish prick, (I know, I know...gasp!)
In what way is he a prick? You may ask. In the way that instead of training her in the ancient art of DB'ing, BigAl just commisserates and offers sympathy because...and here is the kicker...he's "interested".
He is also smart enough to see an OM role with his name on it in the future if he doesn't watch out so he stays away. Except, on occasion, when she really, really needs to talk and then he listens, sympathetically for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, in a room filled with toddlers and therefore totally safe.
Thing is, I like it. I like being turned to. I also liked the unexpressed connection going on. And I was growing in my dislike of her spouse. I mean, why can't he see what is going on? How can he be so clueless...oh crap, wait a minute. Anybody been here before? Maybe playing the role of the clueless spouse?
So for the thousandth time, I have told myself to stay out of it. I have stayed out of it really. We are talking maybe 4 or 5 convos very brief in duration, but I can smell her thoughts. I DID learn in the last year and a half that my instincts about what a woman is leaving unsaid to me are right even if I don't believe it. SO her status for me is rather like that of say, Jennifer Ansiton, a great dream but one that is not smart to try to make into a reality.
Ok, now I am getting tired, so I leave you with this....
The ex is getting fat, the ex is getting fat, the ex is getting fat..nah, nah, nah, nah (you know the tune). And in 15 years when OM is my age he is going to be one big ole chunk of lard. LOL! (oh to add irony to it, my 10 pound or so weight gain was one of the ex's pet peeves when were married. Sorry porky baby. I lost mine. What happened to you?)
I agree with so much of your post...except that you are a selfish prick. You know I don't believe that for a minute. But this is the point I will choose to comment on for now...
Quote: The ex is getting fat, the ex is getting fat, the ex is getting fat..nah, nah, nah, nah
Oh, yeah... I love this. In my case, it's ...the OW is getting fat...the OW is getting fat...HA! And my XH didn't like my 15 lb weight gain...but now I've stayed 15 lbs lighter and am in the best shape I've ever been in. And she has fat legs and a big butt. Started wearing those big shirts and shapeless sweaters (and XH had surgery, so she's not pregnant). When my neighbors finally got a glimpse of her this weekend, as she unloaded my kids, they told me they were totally unimpressed with her. As my friend's husband said..."he left YOU for HER???!!!" I love my neighbors!
I'll catch up with you more later, Big Al. Right now, I'll rejoice in the weight gain of the X's and OP's.
Hahahahahahaha, VJ! I was thinking the same thing but I didn't want to be the first to rejoice in OW's (now THE woman) bountiful shape. My XH's OW has always been fatter than me (after the grief diet) and call me childish but I relish the fact that she has a giant a$$ and big legs that she tries so daintily to stuff into her baby pink two piece swim suit. Nice picture, eh?
Hey, I have needed to let that one out for a looong time. 
