I have to thank you again. Thanks to you and your reading materials I see a whole new side of things I "refused" to see before. I have read "For Women Only" and am now halfway thru "The Proper Care and Feeding of your Husband" by Dr. Laura. Wow - she's brutal - but man, rightly so. I have been having a hard time blaming everything on mlc - tho I know that's part of who he is right now simply trying to find what place he wants to be in life. But it is so easy to see why he would have left me to look for the real dream person. It makes so much sense.
And as I've changed over the last several months - he spends more and more time with me - tho I think he's cautiously optimistic.
I just wanted to say thank you. This learning experience has been great. And that's coming from a 54 year old. We are never too old to learn. And I am so grateful that it "seems" like he is giving me a chance to really try again - tho he's not home - he sure is here a good bit of a week now - not to mention me going to his place.
So many things to learn. So little time...........but life can be grand if we focus on the positive and keep our heads up and learn humility at the same time.
God is sooooooooo good. I wasn't going to bother with a tree and stuff this year - but yesterday I got it in my head - "hey, look at all the amazing things that Jesus has done for you - don't you want to celebrate because of Him?" Well yes I do. And even if my H isn't home for Christmas is no reason to not have the homey appeal in the house for him when he's here. I am not mopey this Christmas. There are a myriad of reasons to celebrate. Just being alive and learning is reason enough.
thank you, friend, for sharing your story and your thots and your reading material. My life is so blessed thanks to dear people like you.
love,
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
It's so great to "see" you in such good spirits. I bet those newly-painted bedroom walls are going to be shaking again very soon!!
I am having a hard time b/c my H told me just over a week ago that he thinks he is not made for a committed, long-term, monogamous R. He can't be emotionally open enough for that, and he doesn't think he can be faithful. As you know, I'm reading The Solo Partner, and I'm implementing some of the ideas, but it's hard to know if it's helping or pushing him away (pursuit/distance). If you have a few minutes, I'd really appreciate your input. The link to my thread is in my sig.
TIA and keep posting! I LOVE reading your positive posts.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Hi Nicola, Have you also read "His Needs, Her Needs" or "Love & Respect" or "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", to possibly get some insight or ideas as to why he might be thinking/feeling this way? ~PH
I was just reading your response to me on my thread so thot I would answer you over here on yours. I've been a little anxious myself over wanting H to get his butt back home (cuz I truly believe he is headed this direction). I give myself the usual "be patient" and whatever else I need to do.
But church summed it up in a beautiful way for me this morning. I had never looked at it this way before. It is the first Sunday of Advent and we are in the "preparing" stages of getting ready for our Lord to come. It was spoken to us how important it is to be prepared.
It is that way in everything we do in life. It's best to be as prepared as we can be so we are not caught off-guard.
Every time something comes up that delays your H's homecoming just remind yourself that it is one more day you have to get prepared for his homecoming. I know it's one more day for the Lord to work on my heart for me to learn new things. I guess that's why I was so excited to write this morning to you - I just am seeing my whole life come together before my eyes - remembering how I've been in the past and honestly seeing how I contributed to the problem. This no longer makes the claim that it is all about him and what he wanted or wants - now I see how I helped to get us to this place.
I could only come over here to say this because I guarantee that none of my friends would see it. I am pretty mild mannered in about everything I do especially compared to many - but when I see my personality coming out in books as normal for women who drive away their spouses - I do sit up and take notice.
OMG - it IS sinking in to my soul. Each day deepens the healing and gets me more prepared for when he does have the courage to say "I'm coming home" for sure. Right now I know he's testing the waters. There's no question how I've changed. But I was like this, of course, before we married. So why will it be different now if he comes home? Because I have learned what insecurities I had within me that were totally uncalled for. This is a major growth for me. Only I know, deep inside, that I am ready to do this again (this marriage thing) because my heart has totally changed. He won't know that about me til he comes home.
So preparing is good BND - even if the delays are frustrating - you can get one more thing ready that will help make it the perfect homecoming.
brue
I'm alive, I'm happy - why shouldn't I tell the world I've got my head screwed back on just fine. Life is good for the Brue!
So, I expressed some of my concerns to my Beloved and I got a nice email from him this morning.
I think I need to take some of my own advice and stop stressing myself out over things that I have no control over.
I do think that after MLC and all of the detaching and the other tools we have learned it is hard to just be "normal" again, at least at this stage of the game.
So here is the email:
"You surprised me. It is a side of you I enjoy and I want you to explore it more. It makes you more attractive to me. But, don't over analyze things. Stop comparing yourself to "what other women do or think." Just enjoy what you have for you. I am enjoying it.
Being vulnerable is part of the fun. Taking risks is part of the adventure. This is life and you have one opportunity to enjoy it. I don't think either of us have been enjoying it. I think much of my life has been about waiting for it to end... just getting through it.
For the first time I am enjoying the trip. And, we still have so much ground to cover and we can get there if we just enjoy the journey. The destination will take care of itself".
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Hey BND... What a nice reassuring email from your H. No, you have nothing to worry about. Just enjoy your trip, as your H said. You deserve to enjoy it. Focus on the present moment. Enjoy it. If you worry about the future, you'll never be enjoying or be living in the present. ~PH
Quote: I came away feeling like a child and I don't feel understood.I want my feelings validated. I want him to see that I am lonley and I am tried of being the strong one all of the time.
As a man I sometimes have trouble determining whether a woman wants help with the problem or just to be listened to. I'd like to think that I'm better at it than a lot of my guy friends, but I still get confused (hey I'm a guy too). So an easy way to clear up some of the confusion of the male gender is to preface what you are saying with "I need you to listen to me on..." or "I need help with..." Make sure the guy in your life know what the 2 different statements mean.
Men are very task oriented and once they realize that the way to "help" is to perform active listening (a learned skill) we can be awesome at it. But we sometimes need the trigger to switch modes.
I'm sure your H doesn't think of you as a child. He knows you're a mature capabile woman; just look at all the crap you successfully dealt with. He just needs to pick up some new skills and you can point him in the right direction. This book has some useful info: The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever It put's things in terms a guy understands (at least I thought so); including a chapter on active listening.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Catching up per your request! Sorry I didn't follow your thread before, but now I am!
I think your story sounds great so far. Perhaps at some point you thought you were going to have to continue writing the next chapter by yourself. Cool thing is, you and your H are writing the next chapter now... Cool - very cool.
When we are hurt or left behind - it is easy to start second guessing everything. During your fun and exciting tenure as an LBS ( ), you were trained to look for signs that your H would come back. Noticing things for what they were, what they seemed, or even looking at it from the opposite side. You learned a lot about yourself and how you contributed to any problems you may have had. You learned that you cannot control your H - that the only thing you can control is yourself.
As you move forward - this is no different. You still have to take care of yourself and realize you cannot control anyone other than you. Perhaps now you can recognize any early warning signs if you see yourself doing more of the same or if you sense problems arising. It is hard to forget that your H left....Time will heal this wound. But you can only control you. This includes controlling your own thoughts - not overanalyzing or stressing out. Our minds are such a wonderful thing - but they can also play tricks on us if we focus on something enough. Remember, the only way you will have a happy R with your H is if you are happy. You can't be happy if you are stressing out. So continue to focus on your happiness. I for one think you are doing outstanding!!!!
((((((((((((((BND))))))))))))))
God Bless,
Santhony
PS: I agree with Sherman about saying "I need you to listen to..." or "I need help with..." Remember your H may try to "fix" regardless. Maybe it is easier if you spell it out.
), you were trained to look for signs that your H would come back. Noticing things for what they were, what they seemed, or even looking at it from the opposite side. You learned a lot about yourself and how you contributed to any problems you may have had. You learned that you cannot control your H - that the only thing you can control is yourself.