Hey all. Sorry I've not had much time lately, and it may get worse. Unfortunatly I found out today that my father has cancer. We don't know how bad it is (still more testing to do) yet but as I'm sure many of you know, any cancer is bad. I will post when I can.
GH, I am so sorry about your Dad. I will add him to my thoughts and prayers (along with Jokerman who also has a tumor). There is an old saying "Life is never so bad that it couldn't get worse" I guess that applys here, huh?
Be the strong one, be the rock that you are. Somehow, everything happens for a reason. Don't know, but maybe this scare with your Dad will cause your W to realize how important you are in her life. Who knows... Hang in there, love ya, Mama.
GH....Damn! Sorry to hear about your dad, I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
The stay at home mom stuff really hit home for me...that was definitely a factor in my situation...boredom...sitting on the computer all day...no adult communication...looked for me to provide more communication...depression...too much baby/kid...etc...etc... Whatever happens in my situation she will be getting a job.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Thanks as usual you guys/ladies. We'll know next week how bad it is. It's his birthday today so...
CM, you are doing fine. You are starting to explore just what it is that you want. It's scary to do that since you've felt like you've subjugated your wishes for 18 years of your life, and probably long before that too.
One thing I can't stress enough is that you CAN get what you want for YOU WITHOUT harming the people you love and who love you. Just because you want something for yourself DOES NOT make you a selfish b!tch. I think many people, including oddly enough me, and especially my W feel that way and the only way we can get up the courage to go for something we want is to say to ourselves "f--k everyone else, I'm doing this no matter what!!!" The problem with that is there lies in it the assumption that "everyone else", namely your family, and especially your H, doesn't want you to get what you want. That may be true to a certain extent but the fact is that IF they truly love you and see that something you do, i.e. this PT job makes you happy, then they will support you in it.
I know that sounds all fairy-tale-ish but I believe that to be true. I think it just takes some time to learn how to accept that. I know it did for me. Time AND trauma, but I truly believe that I could have been told what my W wanted without her having to have an affair to get my attention.
Like I said, trust yourself to know what you want and then trust those in your life to support you in getting that, or at the very least, be willing to discuss it with an open mind and help find a way to work it into your lives.
Last night, after a good afternoon/evening with the kids/wife, I told W if she came to bed at a reasonable time, I would give her a "proper" back massage. She immediately made a face because earlier when she asked me if I had any plans/work for the evening I said "Not really, just sex, wanna join me?" She rolled her eyes. I didn't really mean to say it but things have gotten comfortable again so...
Back to the "massage". She assumed that was my way to say I was going to START with a massage and then make my move. She was wrong. I didn't really want to do that. I was actually trying to show her that EVERY time I want to do something physical with/to her it doesn't HAVE to be all about sex. I am trying (and have been trying) to introduce some intimacy that is not all about intercourse.
Well, she didn't really come to bed at a reasonable hour, which in the past I would have taken as some kind of rejection, but really, now what am I being rejected for? Sex, something we haven't had in almost a year and I didn't really want anyway, or simply the "honor" of giving her a massage. I decided that it would be her loss (I am pretty good at massages). I also decided NOT to have any attitude. In the past I would have shown my displeasure at her seeming to stall when she seemed to think I wanted sex.
When she came to bed I just sat up and started my massage. 2-3 minutes into it I asked her if she had any lotion left that didn't aggravate her skin (she is sensitive to certain lotions). She smiled and said "You know it's too late for sex." It was kinda ludicrous how it was said, as if after a year I somehow expected something. I simply said "That's fine, I wasn't after that anyway. Do you have any lotion." I had a genuine smile on my face and managed to have a good attitude, something that took some doing because I did have to reisit my old habit of getting upset when things didn't go my way (and by that I only mean assuming that she didn't come right to bed because she didn't want me to do whatever I was going to do). I just finally figured out how self-defeating that behavior is...and I changed it...FINALLY!!!
SO, she smiled at my still wanting to do the massage and told me where the lotion was. I got it and without fanfare gave her a massage. She made LOTS of "happy" noises and said she really liked what I was doing/wanted me to do it more often. I made it a point to NOT (this is for you OT) "accidentally" brush a boob or extend my definition of back to include the, uh, MUCH LOWER back. I also made sure I ended it on my own (didn't wait for her to be asleep or say I "could" stop) and just covered her up with the blanket and went to sleep.
This may all seem strange but to me it's HUGE. It's not that I don't really want sex because of course I do but I want it in the context of REAL intimacy in our R, at ALL times, not just at Midnight on Friday/Saturday. I THINK W is starting to understand I am serious about that. I KNOW there was intimacy between us last night, and an energy that was building because she knew the massage was not just something I was doing to get in her pants, I was doing it out of love for her (her shoulders have been killing her lately...stress). I can honestly say that she has not ever had that feeling in our R. It has ALWAYS been about getting in her pants, something that she has outright said she resented. Well, times are a changin' honey!
I truly believe that the more of this extra-sexular (yea, not a word but) intimacy we have in our R, the more sexual energy will build and when we do finally (don't think it's long off now) ML, there will be a comfort level I don't think we have had in a LONG time.
PM taught me that one thing I have done "wrong" for a LONG time is to not just do what I want to do and see if she follows my lead. So far, she IS following my lead and it's fascinating to me.
I think I mentioned that I have a problem understanding my ability to influence people. I guess when it comes down to it, I don't believe I can so when it happens, either in business or personal relationships, I am surprised. I guess that's also why I always resorted to trying to control a situation rather than just negotiate or influence it. Still learning this lesson every day.
So, things are moving along pretty well and I am trying to be more assertive about these things and it's paying off. I think I just needed to give the sitch time and hopefully it's paying off.
Good news, GH. I think you're right that you're building intimacy, but I think you might also be putting pressure on your wife that prolongs this dry spell of yours. Nothing like nagging to kill the mood. Maybe you can hint through your actions - because I do think it's important to express your sexuality - in a way that is playful and/or suggestive rather than the intellectual/verbal communicating you're doing now.
I think the significance of you resisting your urge to express your hurt (or actually avoiding the hurt altogether) at being rejected is a big step too. I think this is really the only way you will encourage the honesty of your W, without which there can be no intimacy. If she can't reject you without hurting you, she has to make it appear *she* isn't the one rejecting you, forcing her to lie to protect your feelings.
Have you asked openly what you can do for your W in day to day life to make things for her better? I'm just curious, because when you do for her, it's natural for her to want to do for you, and if she's not, then it seems you might not be reaching her where you should.
The thing that's really troublesome to me when I read about this, and take this with a grain of salt because I don't know anything and I'm basing this on many levels of assumption, is: you seem to be really reworking yourself around your wife, who doesn't seem too interested in building a new, more developed relationship. It seems you're accomodating her and she isn't contributing much, whether it be vision of where the relationship should be or action to get it there. I know this DB stuff leads us to believe that we have to shoulder the weight and do the hard work in order to get to the point where our spouses will cooperate, but it seems to me that you are there and she isn't cooperating too much. It's like she's doing you a favor by staying and allowing you to have her as your wife.
I'm sure I'm misreading a lot here, but I caution you to be aware that you're either setting the precedent or feeding into one that's already set that she can do as she wishes and you'll be happy as long as she doesn't leave you. I know you want more, even if it's just the sex that's lacking. I think this is the big carrot on the end of the stick for you that once you acheive you'll have little motivation for progress. That's far too much emphasis on sex, far too much pressure. It should be fun, not necessarily loaded with meaning. Remember (and this is something WASs seem to think the reverse of) that actions generate feelings. If you wait around for the feelings to act, then you may never have the feelings.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
