Gh---been a long time since I posted. I can't diagnose if your W is clinically depressed, but is sounds like something is going on there....as with my H too. I think he always was a little, but really hit the peak with his MLC....perhaps the same with your W.
I know H needs to see someone, but I can't make it happen, no matter how hard I want it and see his life spiraling and at times mine with it. She knows that there is help out there with therapy/C/meds. She knows she needs to "do something." You support her and she knows that.
In my experience with 2 friends who suffered from clinical depression, each of them went through TWO years of being depressed and supported and knowing they had depression and knowing they needed to do something about it. It hurt to watch them spiral, to watch them suffer, and I turned blue in the face telling them to see a therapist. They finally did. WHY? B/c they finally had the desire in themselves to do it, for THEM. That desire has to come from within, to love yourself, to take care of yourself, your life, your family. Therapy takes committment and lot of work, and that work can only be done when you open yourself in those ways first.
Be patient, she will come around. Seems she already is. It's hard to watch someone go through this, but I am a big fan of people doing things on their own.
Thanks everyone. The tea thing is somehthing my W has been big on forever but I can't seem to aquire the taste. I don't really like hot drinks (born in Florida and all).
I know she will eventually come around but even the last two days she's been draging around the house, saying she's tired and such. It's really hard to watch her spiral, as you say, but I too think it's what has to happen in order for her to get motivated ON HER OWN to get the help she admits she needs.
I can only support, and occasionally, when the time is right, encourage her to do what she needs to so.
I think for the time being, I am just going to concentrate on Mama and cheer her on. NOOOOOO more batteries!!!!!
Quote: I think for the time being, I am just going to concentrate on Mama and cheer her on. NOOOOOO more batteries!!!!!
I was reading your latest thread with my serious thinking cap on and then you throw in the last line, you are quite funny!
I too think your wife may have a depression/drinking problem. She drinks because she is depressed and then she is depressed that she drank. A vicious cycle my friend. NO ONE is going to get her to end this cycle except your W and unfortunately this might not be something she will ever do. I guess you could treat her like a kid throwing a tantrum or showing negative behaviour; I usually jump in with a distraction. Move the kid to another toy or room in the house. It shouldn't take all night to get the kids ready for school on Monday so maybe do that early in the evening and suggest you all go for a walk or a bike ride or to the park. This way she doesn't have the opportunity to drink quite so much. Just a thought...
As for my W's drinking, I am just tired of thinking about it. I know it's a problem but how big a problem I don't know. I also know that it's something she's got to get a handle on herself.
She SEEMS to be doing better but I still hear things like "I know I don't HAVE to drink, but it's somethig I choose to do. I could choose not to whenever I want..." Gee, that's not textbook or anything. To underscore that she usually quits for a couple days but then goes right back. It's surely a cycle.
Last night we talked a bit about it. She said she'd been feeling better the past few days (of which she only drank one night and that was not very much). I said I thought that MAY have something to do with the lack of drinking and she didn't disagree but still proceeded to drink last night, again, not that much. I just let it go. She was in a good mood, and I was tired.
Like I said, this is NOT something new for my W. She's been in this pattern since I met her and while that does not make it ok, it does make it something that I was WELL aware of and have been dealing with for almost a decade now. It's not likely to change today, tomorrow or the next day.
The bottom line is that, like I said in the beginning, I don't know how much of an issue her drinking really is. She doen't drink any more or less than most people I know (again, that doesn't make it right) but it's clearly something that affects her in a negative way yet she persists on doing it.
Time to shift the focus. As you said Mama, I don't dwell on it, or directly try to stop it, I am just focused on making our lives better, encouraging her to make HER life better and if that happens, history shows me that the drinking WILL be less of an issue.
Wow, what an issue. I think your wife drinks to numb her feelings. SHe uses alcohol to escape from life. Sorry, that's just how I see it. Most people I know don't drink on a weekly/nightly basis. I think you might be fooling yourself into thinking that is "what most people do". the one's I know who do have a problem with alcohol and hence, other problems as well.
I am so sorry you are going thru this on top of the simple WAW thing. It just compounds the problem.
I think you wife needs to get out of the house, get a job, and interact daily with other adults. She seems to be missing that. I know I did when I was home all day with small children. I think she is just afraid to admit it, thinking she is a "bad mom" if she admits to needing something more.
Gh, often people get caught up in how often the person drinks as oppsed what it is doing to that persons life. If alcohol is making you M, your family life and her life miserable, then its a problem. I urge you to check out Alanon (I believe it's alanon.org) and get some guidance from those who have been there. They were a lifesaver for a friend of mine. Just a thought.
Quote: Wow, what an issue. I think your wife drinks to numb her feelings. SHe uses alcohol to escape from life.
I agree. She SAYS it's because it helps her sleep/not have nightmares but that's just the latest reason/excuse. The good news is that she's starting to acknowledge out loud that it's a problem, one that she MAY need help to solve. It's a step, and if you believe the old adage, you can't get help without first admitting the problem.
Quote: Most people I know don't drink on a weekly/nightly basis. I think you might be fooling yourself into thinking that is "what most people do". the one's I know who do have a problem with alcohol and hence, other problems as well.
Here's the thing. After hearing a lot about my W's drinking and my reaction to it, my C suggested that I may have a perception problem because I don't, and never have, drink. She said from what I described, my W may or may not have an issue with alcohol. I thought about that, having always assumed that it WAS a problem. I have always known that my opinion is skewed because I don't even know what it's like to drink but this was the first time someone on the outside said this to me.
After that session I thought a LOT about how I handled my W drinking and how my response to it has played a LARGE role in our issues over the years...
and I want to clarify something, when I say drinking, I mean one glass of wine or 4. When I say she drinks many nights of the week, I mean sometimes it's two glasses, sometimes (rare) it's 3, 4 or 5...
SO, I decided to take a little informal poll among my friends and co-workers. I found that the vast majority of them said they had a beer or two many times a week and on the weekends, more. Are they all abnormal? Do they all have a problem? I found one person who said he made it a point to only drink on the weekends and that was because he used to do it too much during the week.
Again, a drink or two with dinner or while watching TV seemed to be the norm with the folks I talked to. Maybe I am just talking to the wrong people.
Quote: I am so sorry you are going thru this on top of the simple WAW thing. It just compounds the problem.
I agree. It does. Thank you.
Quote: I think you wife needs to get out of the house, get a job, and interact daily with other adults. She seems to be missing that. I know I did when I was home all day with small children. I think she is just afraid to admit it, thinking she is a "bad mom" if she admits to needing something more.
To me, this is the key to everything. So much of what happened was because we had/have (working on it) NO social life away from the kids. She lost touch with all her friends and lived much of the last 6 years as a shut-in stay at home mom. Like many other men caught off-guard by this stuff, I thought she liked her life and was fulfilled by her role as mother/wife. It was always her choice to stay home. I know now that she just kept her sadness and frustration inside because, as you said, she felt like she couldn't want/ask for more or else she'd be a bad mom/wife. So sad because I unknowingly contributed to these feelings. I hate that and I am working SO hard to make sure she knows she is "free" to be herself and explore life...just not with another man mind you.
Quote: Hang in there....we are all rooting for you.
Hey GH! I just read a poem tonite and the last line made me think of your sitch. Here it is, "Love's intoxication is the path to sobriety". Hmmm! Take care.
Hey all. VERY quiet weekend. Literally (no, I really mean it this time) nothing to report. Things are still good. No real progress other than...oh...wait...there is a LITTLE news. W said at one point on Saturday night that she wants to find a babysitter so we can start going out. This is new. She hasn't really said that much lately. It's been all about her going out with GF's and that we go out when family can babysit. This is a pretty good sign but we'll see if there is action to go with her words.
So, that's bout it. I will try to catch up on you all today.
