Jamie, I just read your string here and believe me I got so much out of it. My wife and I are on the road to reconciliation ( see string "WE ARE GETTING CLOSER" In this forum). My problem is of course impatience but after DBing for the last seven months I know where to express that impatience, here on the board. I must admit that periodically, it has slipped out but after Dbing for a while I have learned to kinda' monitor myself. I appreciate your post because I am in truly uncharted waters right now. I would really appreciate you monitoring my post from time to time to kinda share some of your recon experience. PEACE mikeg
Any chance you would want to post on what those first six months back together were like?
My H is back after an 18-month separation, and things are tense at times. We aren't doing any OR talking just yet, and I really don't know how committed he is to being there (he was back in the fall for 6 weeks, until he "realized" he'd only moved back out of guilt, and left again). He's also probably still "getting over" OW, with whom it's now been over for about 5 months.
I don't want to push him, but I see occasional signs of things slipping back to how they were before he left, and I definitely don't want back in that rut!
Any advice would be most appreciated! And congratulations on your success, and thanks for sharing it!
Hi Mike and Deb- It so good to read that you're both in the piecing category. Maintain the positive mental attitude and remember that a gradual, albeit sometimes difficult, rebuilding is necessary to go through in order to reach the prize!
Deb, the first couple of months after my H's return were hard at times because I initially wanted him to do everything "right" so that I could trust completely again. Despite the logic I see in hindsight in the whole situation, I had difficulty comprehending that he was supposedly sure he was here to stay, but not simultaneously ready for every aspect of our relationship. Most of our OR conversations came when things were comfortable and relaxed between us. I somehow remembered the ongoing DB principles not to pressure for more talk during my individually stressed out times that often had nothing to do with what he was or wasn't doing.
It is safe to say I guess that my separation implicitly taught me how to think a little more before raising unpleasant issues, prioritize better, and relax on my own to get centered. Nevertheless, it would be less than truthful if I implied that I did not have some slips and slides when my H returned. Some made me so uncomfortably vulnerable. The key, however, is that if they happen, keep them to a minimum and remind yourself that, until he is ready to show you in his own way that he is 100% committed to you and your life together, you must find ways to allow the necessary time to pass. He likely has his own issues and fears that he is dealing with and sees things in a less time senstitive manner.
Hang in there and dig deep inside for strength, knowing how wonderful it is that because of your efforts you have reached the stage of rebuilding. Best of luck and hugs sent your way--Jamie
Your point about being ready for some aspects of being deeply committed to the marriage but not others is such an important one to remember. A lot of patience and love is required at every step of this journey both for your spouse and yourself. Thanks for getting me to think about this a little differently.
I didn't see your response until today, but I appreciate your insight. My H is not big on talking about things, and I am trying at this point to let his actions speak for him. There have been some rough times, but on the whole I would say things are going okay, and he doesn't seem ready to bolt at the first sign of a disagreement. I think you're right--he probably has a lot of his own "stuff" he's still dealing with, and I am trying to keep summoning that patience that has gotten me this far!
I too think I've learned to think before I speak (at least sometimes!), to let some things go, maybe even to take a few risks that I wouldn't have dared to before. Hopefully the end result will be a rebuilding of something better that what we had.
Thanks to all on this board who have been so much help to me, and perhaps one of these days I'll be posting a true success story!
Thank you so much for sharing your story and wisdom with us!
I am past 40 months of separation... no Or talks during the last 2.5 years.. last what I hear -- he wants to be alone and all what's left -- gratitude and responsibility.
However, he doesn't seem too happy being left alone, and every time he seeks emotional support, I am there for him. I myself, after stopping chasing and moving out, don't ask for any support -- and he doesn't like it, you know! He nearly demands that I bring my troubles to him... talks about removing the barriers... (last words four years ago -- that good fences make good neighbors)
There is more warmth and clsoeness betwen us, perhaps, more than there was during the last pre-crisis years. Well, definitely much more!
But -- BUT:
no even hints about reconciliation... Unless I take "we need to talk about many things" as such. And -- he would offer me any help, give presents, bring me gourmet food, but then would suddenly disappear for days or weeks. And every time he re-appears, he has SUCH a voice... (emotional or work problems, etc) that there is no posibility (for me, at least) to turn him down and pretend I am busy and can't get together.
And it goes and goes like this... Soometimes I think -- maybe he is waiting for me to make the first step? He, who pushed me away so hard, probably feels guilty and is afraid of rejection. And I am also waiting for him to make a step forward because he explained it so clearly that eh doesn't want to be married...
What do you think I should really trust -- what he said and repeated many times (but more than two years ago), or should I assume that he regrets what he said then but doesn't know how to take it back?
the only reason I have not touched the subject is because I haven't lost the hope to lead him into a new kind of a relationship without him noticing it, like when such things happen for the first time. And when those things hapen, you never begin with asking direct questions what is what, right?
Can you give your view on the stages of their MLC -- how firmly they believe in what they say, how do they change their opinions, if they do it ("how" -- when, after what events or thoughts, what actions you can take to fascilitate it), if they do change their opinion (about being left alone, etc), how do they begin to admit they were wrong (or they never do?) or how to help them to come to peace with it?
