Hi. I've been DBing for over three years now...it has been difficult to say the least. I am including my story here so you don't have to search. I'd appreciate it if you would catch up on my sitch and then help me decide what to do. I am almost certain I want a divorce because I simply cannot get past my wife's infidelity. I still love her very much, I just can't continue to be her husband. I have been holding on because of my children. A 8 year old girl and a 6 year old boy. But, I have many good reasons to NOT divorce:
I don't want a divorce because I don't want them to come from a broken family like I did.
Kids need a mom.
I don't want my children to have another father (as in step-father when my wife remarries).
I can't stand the idea of hurting my children.
There is no such thing as a good divorce.
Divorce is expensive and I am broke.
Here is my story in pieces from other threads: Dec., 2002 my w told me she isn't over an old boyfriend from waaayyy back. She entered therapy to
figure out why. A week before Christmas she announced she wanted a d because I am never happy and never attended therapy as she suggested many times. I am a depressed person and I am on medication for it; so is she. They are helping. I never entered therapy because I wanted my w to figure out what to do first. I feared too many changes at the same time...I never knew my marriage was on the line. I am reading DB and she is reading about how to survive a divorce. My wife has a PhD. in Psychology and has said that none of the methods in DB will work for us. She has reluctantly agreed to couples counseling and I am also seeing a therapist to try to become more of a happy person. She is talking in absolutes: "You're never happy," "This won't work," "I never loved you." We have been friends for 15 years and married for 6. We have two very young children.
Apr., 2003 I spied on my wife. I know I promised I wouldn't, but she did or said something one day last week that just didn't feel right. So, I installed software to intercept emails. I am glad I did because everything is out in the open now.
My W has had two affairs since August. One was kinda innocent (comparatively) while the other was pretty hurtful. She and the OM had many meetings for lunch. Then had a couple of quickies. Then spent a weekend together.
The emails from her professed her love, desire, and devotion to him. He wrote her poetry (pretty crappy stuff, if I do say so myself). Together they plotted to shed their marriages and be happy forever in each others arms at his cabin by the river. I guess I don't have to mention how painful this was to me...but what really hurt was him asking if my children would call him daddy, telling her how he would dicipline my hildren, and his wondering if I would be able to keep up child support when I am sick all of the time!
She wrote him a list of things she loved about him. It hurt to read that she loves his love of the outdoors. I am not an outdoors kind of person. I have severe allergies and everything makes me either wheeze or sneeze. I have always had low self esteem because of my health as I have always felt betrayed by my body. She knows how sensative I am about it. I'm sure she never thought I would know she wrote such a thing.
I saw a lawyer, found out my options. I confronted her with my evidence and explained how things were going to be. I get the kids, I get the house, she leaves withing 30 days, we split bills and visitation, and we part as amicably as possible. If not, this state has a little known law about Absence of Affection which states that I can sue him for damages, loss of spousal income, and even for half of college tuition. It would be extremely expensive and a long battle in court, but I would most likely win.
Then the lawyer sues him for his fees as well. I would still get the house and the kids since she was the one who had the affair, she would be out, and he would lose a lot of money.
And my ace in the hole? Did I forget to mention the affairs were with her patients?!
That is a HUGE ethical no-no, one that ruins careers and strips the doc of any licensure!
She broke down, but was relieved she no longer had to hide it. She said she wanted the affair to be over a while ago, but she didn't know how to do it. She said she would never have taken my children away and that she thought it was love but realized that it was a crush. She said it was a big mistake and that she was very sorry for hurting me. Then she agreed to all of my terms and I never mentioned the part about turning her in to the State Licensing Board.
She could not stop saying how sorry she was. Today, she sent me an email again saying she was sorry and she wanted to know if there was any hope of working things out? She promised to work on the marriage and never cheat on me again. She said since I had returned to the day shift and I was with her more, she realized why and how much she really loves me. She also said she would do anything to keep us from divorce.
So, my dilema? Why should I believe she has had a change of heart just because she got caught? I have her over a barrel right now and can walk away from this marriage with the things I want if I file papers. If I don't, do that right now, the state thinks we are trying to reconcile from the day of "disclosure" to whenever, and if things don't work out and we wind up still getting a divorce, then I don't get anything I mentioned earlier.
This would be an easy decision if I didn't love her so much. And my children need their mom to be here with them. My W has ended the affair, cold turkey, and I can see
it in her eyes that she wants to save the marriage. At least I think so. Then again, I asked her in therapy if she was having an affair and she lied. I thought her eyes were telling the truth then, too.
Why should I trust her now just because she feels guilty and is in pain?
If you have read this far, thank you. If you have any words to offer, I would appreciate it. I have a little more to write, and then I'll let you go...
I still cannot trust her, but tonight I told her that I needed a show of faith that she is serious about saving our marriage: I asked her to turn herself into the Licensing Board and ask for Supervision. Anything could happen after that. She might lose her license or she might have to seek counseling from several sources and relearn the ethics of being a therapist. She would also learn how to set bounderies.
She has agreed to do this, but asked how can she be certain I still will not file for divorce after she gives herself up? I said, "Because I promise I won't and you'll just have to trust me."
So, am I a doormat? A weak person? A fool? And if anyone could please tell me how to
stop this pain in my soul, I would be very thankful.
Aug., 2003 Ok, now for the legal stuff that happened yesterday. The Prosecuting Attorney wanted to really throw the book at me and put me in jail for a year. Then he wanted to tack on a fine because I "committed a serious crime with a deadly weapon and could have killed the other man." Then, the arresting officer (who actually apologized for having to arrest me) spoke to the Judge and Prosecuting Attorney and explained the considerable control, fortitude, and restraint it takes a man in such a passionate situation, to not kill someone. He pointed out that I had a knife on the guy's throat and let him go. The Judge even said he didn't think he would have such control in the same situation. He reminded the other members of the court that I tried to have "the law" step in and help but when they failed, I went to defend my wife's honor and safety.
So his testimony got my sentence down to 120 hours of community service. Then my lawyer pointed out how the other man was "stalking" my wife and how could I not
confront the other man in an attempt to keep her safe. They wrangled for a while longer (I think my lawyer explained to the other man that he had evidence of the affair that his wife didn't know about, which would probably lead to her divorcing him - all of this was behind closed doors, by the way). My lawyer was able to get my sentence reduced to 20 hours of community service as long as I apologized to the other man and shake his hand if front of the courtroom. I told my lawyer to go back to the other room and tell the s.o.b. that I would do what I did again given the same situation, I was happy I did it, and that he was absolutely not getting an apology.
After all was said and done, I got 40 hours of community service and didn't have to give an apology. So at least that part of this saga will be over soon.
June., 2004 Yes, I am tired of the annaversaries, the quotes, the things that were written, the bills, and the videotape that keeps running in my head. I am weary of it all. I hope you are doing better.
I did not know I had a place of honor for what I did to the om...that brings a smile to my face, actually. It probably shouldn't, I know. That annaversary is coming up too. While my goal of convincing the om to stay away from my family was met, it sure was expensive. It cost $3600 to have a lawyer help with the criminal aspect of the case. That part is over now.
But the bastard is suing me for mental anguish and damages because he has been unable to work since I confronted him. I was supposed to have a trial on Feb., 24, 2004 but it was continued so his lawyer can concentrate on suing my wife for malpractice. My wife is also being sued for malpractice by the om's wife since the two originally came to my wife's office for marriage councelling.
Then my case will be picked up again.
My wife will lose both of her cases. Her lawyer has said so. His job is damage control as he tries to keep those people away from our assets (of which we have few). If my wife's insurance company doesn't cover the full amount of what is awarded, it comes out of our pockets. House, car, everything could go.
Aside from the hurt I have endured because of her two affairs, is it fair for me to have to lose all I own too? And what if we don't have to payout, she still owes about $100,000 for student loans, bills to her now closed practice, and lawyer fees. What about the quality of life my kids miss out on because of all of the damn bills we pay? Oh, and did I mention that my wife is now unemployed? WHY, somebody please tell me, why do I stay??
So my wiife and I are bankrupt and still in the middle of a bunch of legal battles. She doesn't suspect I am considering divorce. There is no OW involved, I just want out of this marriage. I am not able to forgive the pain she has caused me. What I need to know is:
HOW do I get a divorce without screwing up my children for the rest of their lives???
If you have read all of this, I thank you. If you can help, I thank you very much.
Hey there, SBH - I remember your saga. Don't have time to deliberate tonite, but I'll get back to you with some thoughts in a day or two.
In the meantime - take a deep breath and enjoy the day tomorrow. Seems to me the past and the future are squeezing today right out from under you. Make some good memories tomorrow.
made some nice memories on TG, but somebody said something and my mind goes back to thinking about my wife's infidelities and the hurt she has caused...it is like this every day! It's like a cancer that has to be cut out!
...but then I think about the pain the children will feel if I file for divorce.
God when will this end!? I can't stand it anymore!!!
I know hard it is to get over infidelity it took me a long time and I don't think I'm over it because there are times that I still want to kill her for hurting my kids and breaking up my family my H left in june b/c I couldn't stop badgering him abour her there affair went on for 3-1/2 years. I know how it plays in your head my thing now is all the things we have done as a family while he was with her and how many times he put my kids on the back burner so that he could be with her. He says he is not still seeing her and is just talking to her at work but I really don't know if thats true. My H has filed for D and now I'm just waiting for the new papers to come so all I can tell you is that as far as the infidelity you can't stop it and you can't make it go away it will continue to consume you for as long as you let or you can just accept itand move on with your life. I hope this can help you Joa,
Good evening SBH your story is one of long enduring pain some of the same pain I have felt for about a year or better. Why do we still love people who treat us badly I ask myself this Question alot. Sometimes I get very angry and then sometimes I wish she was back in my arms. W moved out a week ago and walked away without a goodbye or drop dead or anything. Why should I even care about someone who walks out on a 28 year marriage and acts like I'am something of a pain in the a#* . I have to keep reminding myself that I'am not alone in this and that there are plenty of horror stories out there like mine. And let me tell you that you are a tower of power to still be there I couldn't have lasted that long. I have no expertise in legal matters pertaining to bankruptcy but I'am curious as to what state you live in as laws vary from state to state. I;am sure that you are already praying everyday as this is something I have learned to do in the past year and it does help calm things down a bit. I to have worked the off shift and this didn't help my S out. One thing you might do to help yourself out is talk with friends and family they can help you out and they don't charge as much as lawyers and other professional people also what about someone in the clergy? I feel for you I don't know if you are a religious person or not but I will pray for you as will others. Steve4family has been a great resource for me to talk with on these boards and he may have some great advice for you. Hang in there and take care of yourself.
you are an inspiration, the strength that brought you this far is something i could only dream of, you can use that strength to get yourself and your W through this, whatever your decision is i will pray that God shows you how you came out of this and will come out of it a better person, good luck
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Obviously, you care for your wife and your children or you wouldn't even be asking the questions you are asking. First, I would just like to pat you on the back for giving all of this so much consideration.
If you wife doesn't think DBing will work for the two of you, you might try looking up Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. He and his wife were as close to collapse as you can get, I would think, with three children who died at birth or a very young age. There is also a 'boot camp' and it can be very anonymous or there can be one-on-one. The whole concept is about making "choices" to choose love, family, and marriage...and I do think it is a choice. I knew I could not save my marriage but I took part as a single in one of the boot camp tracks just to see if I could give myself a different perspective on relationships and what I would really like in my life. I came away with a pretty darn good vision statement/mission statement regarding relationships. Maybe if you could do something like this as a couple you could ascertain whether or not yoou could develop a trust in your wife again.
SBH Haven't heard anything from you is everything OK. I know dealing with Lawyers is quite an ordeal they don't seem to have a lot of compassion they are expensive and do not offer any guarantees.
