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well, everyone is saying that there are a lot of positives on my stitch but I don't see it this way, especially when he wants to meet to discusse a settlement (he hasn't called to discuss that yet).

You are right, though, Becca. I am being a little ambiguous. I should have let him pursue me instead of telling him to give me space. It was after asking him for space that he went back to talking about the D. How do I fix that now?


caverna's thread VII
#550226 10/21/05 10:53 PM
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I feel like I am begging people to go out so I don't stay home alone. My family lives far away and during the marriage I didn't develop strong friendships, so I am having to do it now. I moved here because of H. He already had a group of friends and his family lives here. So my social life was his social life.

I don't want to be needy with people, but I end up behaving that way. How do I curb this loneliness without appearing needy???

Does anyone else spend nights alone?


caverna's thread VII
#550227 10/21/05 11:39 PM
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Volunteer. Don't put yourself at risk but you get back more than you put in. Women and kids shelters.

Since you are a personal trainer maybe a running club or a swimming club. Large churches often have activities. I sometimes avoided them when i was single your age cause I got the "where is your wife" questions.

Become an EMT. take a class and Vol or work on an Ambulance.

If you are worried about deportation look into the Navy Reserves. The weekend drills are not the greatest howver this and the Coast Guard are the least apt to be depolyed to Iraq. We had several folks using this to gain their citizenship. I feel they really earned it.

I'm 1000 mi away from Family. What I do
Work. (self employed at home telecommute)
Busy rescue nights I just got the Fire Dept
Once a Month I patch up Marines in the reserves
Once in a while I drive to Ms and work with the Katrina victims. Then at night i work telecommuting.

Sometimes i get real sad but I just do them sad then i'm not so sad.

Best Wishes



"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work"
Steve Martin



#550228 10/21/05 11:55 PM
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Wow... what a question. I am learning how to be alone now that my ex is out of the house. I truly believe it is good to learn. You need to learn to like yourself to spend time alone with yourself! That was the hardest part for me.

I still try to get out a lot, and often find myself calling friends or family to find things to do. I hope you are lucky enough to have a good support system.

Don't worry caverna. You'll be ok. I have read your posts, and my one piece of advice would be to start doing things for yourself. Don't do what you think is best to get him back, or what is best for your H. Make it all about you. Maybe with time, he will realize his mistake. Maybe with time, he won't. Maybe with time, it will no longer matter so much, because you will be ok with or without him.

It took me 6 months to realize that. I'm going on 7 months since my ex left. For the first 6, I analyzed everything I did or said. Would this bring him closer or not, etc? It drove me crazy! Now, I make each day about me and my D4, and things are slowly becoming sane again. I am still willing to work on the relationship if and when he does come home. But, I will not give up my life waiting for something that may or may not happen!

Take care,
Ali


"There's a price to pay if you want to make things better, and a price to pay for just leaving things as they are." My situation
#550229 10/22/05 04:07 AM
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caverna Offline OP
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thanks alli and swimmer.

You are both right.

I thought about volunteering a thousand times, I just thought I wouldn't have time in my day to train for the fire department. I will go to the fire department tomorrow and find out what I really need to do and for the EMT too. I think it's a great idea.

Alli, I will try doing things for me. Like you, everything I do, even going out, is with my head on his reactions. What will he think if I do this or that, go this place or that place? So, I see now that this is really silly. I am wasting my life away thinking about what he would think.


caverna's thread VII
#550230 10/22/05 05:28 PM
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Swimmer, I just got my application to the rescue squat!
It's something I always wanted to do but never pursued because it would have robbed time away from H and he would complain. So here I am! The EMT classes only start in the Spring but I can join now and help.
Thanks!


caverna's thread VII
#550231 10/23/05 09:18 PM
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I have been dark now for three days.

I have asked H for space, meaning, if he had to pick up the dog, to call me beforehand and let me know, so I wouldn't be here. However, he got really angry with my request (even though he says he understands) and actually didn't come to get the dog this weekend at all (and I know how important the dog is for him).

This space has been great for me. I haven't cryed in almost 48 hours, which is a HUGE progress. However, should I remain quiet? Should I wait for him to initiate contact?

Of course I know the answer for that, but I'd still like to hear some reinforcements.


caverna's thread VII
#550232 10/23/05 09:19 PM
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I have been dark now for three days.

I have asked H for space, meaning, if he had to pick up the dog, to call me beforehand and let me know, so I wouldn't be here. However, he got really angry with my request (even though he says he understands) and actually didn't come to get the dog this weekend at all (and I know how important the dog is for him).

This space has been great for me. I haven't cryed in almost 48 hours, which is a HUGE progress. However, should I remain quiet? Should I wait for him to initiate contact?

Of course I know the answer for that, but I'd still like to hear some reinforcements.


caverna's thread VII
#550233 10/24/05 12:32 AM
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carvarna
I've been Vol FF for 17+ years. Much of it was where I was first for some time in a country setting, fires in a grey iron foundry, and some urban. It prepared me well for duty in Iraq.

You will know in 6 months weather if you wish to continue or not. If not do not be embarrassed. I respect the people who help in nursing homes and state parks since their reward is very slow in coming. All service is good!

If you stay your empathy will seem to diminish but do not believe it. You are dishing out empathy in thinner slices. Whereas most folks see 2 to 4 huge tramatic events (more recently) you will see 100's and you will approach with a cool professional manner. There is nothing wrong with Dark humor here it's a relief valve.

If my butt was in a sling my best shot (outside of prayer) people who were not afraid to see horrible things and not get emotionally wrapped up rescuing me. I'd appreciate a joke from them.

If you do get into something that's rough you can talk to your buddies and if that is not satisfactory you can post to me and I'll respond with an email address. However I belive the people you work with generally are sufficient.

You get over your head emotionally best thing is to do is talk.

Best wishes. If you have any funny stories come up share em. I'm excited for you for giving it a shot. Another poster Kittyclaws has been a Paramedic and probably could give a woman's point in PreHospital and Emergency care.


"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work"
Steve Martin



#550234 10/24/05 12:25 PM
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Hi I been reading your story and i have to put my hand in the air and say that i am the same of your H, my wife asked on a numberous times to give her space but i tried but after a couple of days just seemed to slip, your is have a hard time trust ne I'm still there and fighting my way through the maze.

can i ask a question you may of answered but didn't see it, do you want your H back if yes what do you wnat to see change in him as thus could help me
chin up

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