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#550145 - 10/04/05 08:19 AM Re: I gave up
Hopeful_Future Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/05
Posts: 1204
Loc: Georgia, USA
I think more than anything you need to take a look in your own heart and figure out how you really feel and what you really want. This is a long, slow process that can be very painful but it's also about finding who you are again and being the best person you can be, for yourself.

That day he said he stopped loving me and started thinking about divorce
That maybe what he told you but I wouldn't believe it too much. You hurt his feeling by what you said, he wanted to return the pain.

I thought things were getting better until he asked me to leave the house again.
You have to get thick skinned if you're going to do this. You can't believe what is said in anger. I've come to find with XH, when he's pissed, I let him get it all out and then later when he's calm talk to him more. That's when I find the truth. People say all kinds of things to each other that aren't real when they fight because they are in pain and they want the other person to hurt too.

You can do this if you want to. But you have to decide if this is what you really want first.
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Hope My sitch

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#550146 - 10/04/05 09:21 AM Re: I gave up
Hopetobehappy Offline
Member

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 55
Loc: Western NY
Caverna,
I really feel for you right now, it is so hard to convey in words what this does to us emotionally, physically, and mentally. You have a support system right here, there are many different walks of life on these message boards, and there is a lot of great advice from people going through similar sitchs. Finding this site has helped me, what else is helping me is trying very hard to get out of the victim energy that I have put around me. DB & DR books are also amazing if you do all the exercises and are very honest with yourself. They help you discover who you really are, who you were before all the bad stuff happens, and although it is very hard to act like you are great, day by day I see an improvement in me, when I remind myself who I was when my H fell in love with me,compared to what I have been acting like and act as if...it helps me so much, keep your eye on what your goal is, discover what makes you happy, and what you want out of life, to have a life you are happy and proud of. Although you may not feel like it right now you are in complete control of yourself and your future, what baby steps can you make to feel good about yourself today?
-HTBH

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#550147 - 10/04/05 11:30 AM getting a life is hard
caverna Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1166
Loc: Virginia
Thanks for the words Hope. It's funny that for the last two days, two friends, my mom, you and even my H asked me the same question: what I want out of life? It's a very hard question to answer. Right now I just want to curl up somewhere and hide. I'm far from thinking goals for myself. I just need someone to hold me.
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#550148 - 10/04/05 11:33 AM he noticed
caverna Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1166
Loc: Virginia
One thing I forgot to mention was that my H said: "you seemed to be doing so well for the last two weeks. I thought you were healing." I told him that once he asked me to move out I went back to my old ways.
He said I should stay in the house, then.
He kept talking about how depressed he is and how hard has been lately; that he just wants to give up sometimes and wants to be alone.
Said that doesn't want to be with anybody that serious ever again, but when I mentioned divorce he was busy and had to go.
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#550149 - 10/04/05 12:05 PM Re: he noticed
Hopeful_Future Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/05
Posts: 1204
Loc: Georgia, USA
First - unless it's what you really want, DO NOT bring up D with your H! Your H seems to be going through the same thing mine is. Not sure what he wants, depressed, wants to be alone. It sucks for us and them. Try to keep in mind, even though you are hurting, they are too. It's hard to keep that in your mind when they act like jerks, but they are. Just try to validate his feelings when he talks to you, even if you disagree with what he's saying or his reasoning behind it. It will help him feel safer with you and he'll start opening up even more.
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Hope My sitch

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#550150 - 10/04/05 05:21 PM Re: he noticed
caverna Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1166
Loc: Virginia
Hopeful, I have to thank you because I was ready to do something really stupid today, but you are right: I DON'T want the big D.
I love that this web site exists.
I decided to go for the LRT. What do you think?
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#550151 - 10/05/05 08:19 AM Re: he noticed
Hopeful_Future Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/05
Posts: 1204
Loc: Georgia, USA
I think you should continue DBing in the general way for a while longer. You were seeing baby steps. That's a good thing. If you go back and DB like you were before the fight, it will take time, most likely longer than it did the when you first started, but you'll see them again. I've always looked at the LRT as just that, a last ditch effort. I don't thing you're there yet. DB for a month. Record what happens. If things are getting worse or not changing at all, then maybe consider the LRT. But you have to give DBing a realy whole hearted shot first. I think you have enough there still to make it work. I really do.
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Hope My sitch

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#550152 - 10/05/05 08:35 AM Re: he noticed
caverna Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1166
Loc: Virginia
Thank you so much, hopeful. Your words truly inspire me.
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#550153 - 10/05/05 08:58 AM he told me to see other people
caverna Offline
Member

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 1166
Loc: Virginia
Yesterday my H said he needed to be alone (again). When I asked him if it would bother him if I saw other people, he said that if I was happy, he would be happy for me. I asked if he would be jealous at all and he said no.
My H used to be the most insecure and jealous men in the world.
Is he playing a game or could he really mean it???
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#550154 - 10/05/05 09:14 AM Re: he told me to see other people
Hopeful_Future Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/05
Posts: 1204
Loc: Georgia, USA
Ignore him. If you want to save your M then I wouldn't suggest dating right now. I know with my XH, I don't believe most of what he tells me. They are only concerned with themselves and their happiness right now. Work on setting some goals for yourself and GAL. Give him some space. And no more R talks!
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Hope My sitch

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