I thought I should start this thread for any newcomers
The rules apply to Men and Women...
First let me start off with I am sorry you find yourself here along with the rest of us, You have come to a wonderful place for support and advice, You will find many people here that will Help you cope with your H/W that are in MLC..
I Think it is very important to read as much as you can on MLC, search the internet, The are Books written about Mid Life Crisis, Get informed, I feel it is important to find out as much as you can not so that you can fix your H/W but learn what is going on with them, and how you can cope..
Understand That your H/W crisis was NOT caused by you, Many MLCERS have Childhood Issues that they need deal with.. Of course you will hear from your H/W you are the cause of thier Crisis but this is not true, they do not know that what they are feeling has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them..
They become Teenagers again and become VERY slefish, They Become VERY angry, They can Be VERY nasty, You can NOT take this personal, they are angry at themselves but will take it out on you.. Just like a teenager they will look at YOU as the Father/Mother figure NOT as a Husband or Wife..
You may have gotten the Speech from your H/W that they Love you but are no longer In Love with you, This is something they all say, Well I believe they do Love you they have just pushed the In Love with you feelings WAY down, They Need to go through this Crisis without any pressure from you.. This will be one of the Hardest things you have ever done, This is the Rollercoaster ride from Hell, You will have your ups and down's Your twist and turns, Understand MLC takes 2-5 Years, There is NO quick Fix, There is NOTHING you can do to fix your H/W this is something they have to go through alone, It is a Journey they are off on and you have NOT been asked to join..
You will have to Love your H/W from afar, You can NOT help them, You can NOT tell them what is wrong and right, You have to let them figure out thier issues on thier own..
Now Here is the Do'S
DO Make sure you Take care of yourself durning this time..
Do Make sure you Eat Sleep Rest if you can not sleep
DO Read as much as you can on MLC
DO Make sure you keep your Mind and Body active during this time, Join a gym, Join a walking group, Take up a new Hobby, do some project around the house that maybe you have put off, go back to school, get out with friends or family..
DO make sure you give your H/W Losts and Lots of space..
DO make sure if you have children to look out for them, While in MLC alot of MLCER'S are not the best parents, again they can only think for the moment and they can only worry about themselves..You will need to be the rock for your children, Look out for them worry only about YOU and your Children..
D0 Have a good friend or family member or pastor you can talk to, You will need a shoulder or a ear from someone..
DO If at anytime you start to feel down, depressed, low, get to your Family Dr, there are Anti-Depression Meds out there and your Dr can give you something to help you cope..
DO- Protect yourself when it comes to the Money, while in MLC MANY MCLER'S like to spend like there is NO tomorrow, PLEASE keep a eye on your Credit cards, Bank Accounts, If you must open your own bank account..
DO Make sure you are GOOD to yourself durning this time, Treat yourself to something nice now and then, YOU have to look out for yourself, Your H/W will NOT be able to do it at this time..
DO All your Venting Here NOT at your H/W this is important, Let us help you cope..
Now for The DO NOT'S
DO NOT Cry infront of your H/W this will make you look Needy, MLCER'S DO NOT like needy...
DO NOT Beg your H/W to stay if they talk about moving out, Let them go, If you beg once again you look needy..
DO NOT say I LOVE YOU to your H/W..
DO NOT Yell, Blame, Fight with your H/W Come here get it all out on your thread, if you fight with your H/W you will only push them futher away..
DO NOT Deffend yourself, While In MLC the H/W will blame you for everything, They will try and fight with you to justify what they are doing, DO NOT take the bait, If they blame you for anything, all you say is I AM SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY, and then walk away.. If you Deffend yourslef it gets them even more angry..
DO NOT SNOOP Many MLCERS will Have an AFFAIR, Remember if they do that the Other Man (OM/OW) Other woman are only a bandaid to the MLCER'S Problmes.. SO when I say do not SNOOP that means, Do NOT look at the cell phones, Check the pockets, smell the shirts, check the briefcas, follow them in your car.. In the Long run you will be the one that is hurt from it all..
DO NOT Judge or Point fingers, This means DON'T tell a MLCER what they are doing is wrong, Trust me they Know but they can NOT help how they Feel.. You will only make them more angry..
DO NOT tell everyone you know about your H/W, MOST MLCER'S DO NOT like being Talked about.. again you will only push them further away..
DO NOT try and be the Hero, DO NOT go to your H/W bestfriend and try and talk to them, That is a BIG NO NO, again the MLCER will feel you are invading thier space..
DO NOT show anger at your H/W you will learn how to do this in time..
DO NOT Buy gifts, cards, anything that would have to do with being a couple, this is pressure to a MLCER...
DO NOT think this is YOUR Fault its Not..
DO NOT Tell your H/W that he or she is in MLC.. They will think you are wrong..
DO NOT Tell them about this place, this is for you..
DO NOT Give them books on MLC, DO NOT give them any information on MLC..
DO NOT try To get them to go to the Doctor, MLCER's DO NOT like being told what to do..
DO NOT question them, this means, Do NOT ask them where they are, what time will they be home, who are they talking to on the phone, why they are wearing that shirt/dress/ why are they so angry, and so on and so on.. just leave them be..
Now that I have given you some Tips, Understand this will be alot of work, The MLCER will Rewrite the History of your M, They will Put most if not all of the Blame on you, Pay no mind, you will hear us tell you to DETACH, this means do not allow your H/W to suck you into a fight, walk away, show them no emotion, I know that will be hard, but if you can detach yourslef from thier words and actions the better it will be for YOU..
You will have to learn to LISTEN to what your H/W is saying to you..Then you will have to learn how to VALIDATE what they are saying..
IF your H/W says something Like: You Never Talk to me or Listen to me, You just say I am sorry you feel this way, and really LISTEN if they feel you are deffending yourself they will get very angry, BUT if you show them that you are Listening to what they say(VALIDATING) they do believe you are paying attention to what they are saying...
You will also see us talking about BACKSLIDING and we all do it, this means you have been dbing and been doing really good, then you and your H/W get into a fight, YOU feel like you just made things bad all over again, But you did not you did a backslide, what you will need to do, is go for a walk/drive/ remove yourself from you H/W and regroup.. again all of this takes time, but it can be done..
Read other threads here, post to others, you will see many of us are in the same boat as you and are willing to Listen and Help..You are NOT alone, You do NOT have to do this without support, We are Here and do Care..
I second Hope's thoughts! Great Job, and thanks for taking the time to do this for all the new comers, this is something they need to see upon their arrival to the boards.
Take care of you, God Bless!
Love, Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
You have written a nice synopsis of the MLC and the LBS's tools to battle the monster that is lurking over in your M. You are indeed the Queen of DBing!
As a former MLCer, I was floored when I read up the list and I wonder what stuff that came out of my mouth to my DW. I can barely remember what I told DW in the midst of my MLC. Newcomers, take heed to Lisa's advice for it will serve you well down the long journey that you've never signed up for when you married your spouses. Lisa is the shining living example of "until death do us apart."
Thanks for doing this---even those of us who have been dealing with WAH/MLC need to be reminded of these things over and over again. In my sitch an OW has entered (been there for a while--but I didn't know about her) the picture and it has thrown me for a loop. I have been re-reading everything I can get my hands on because my head is spinning. I know this has nothing to do with me yet is still hurts horribly. When new elements strike each of our MLC sitches we all have to refresh ourselves.
Taltexanna
My goal is to stop fighting with my husband and start fighting like hell for my marriage.
HI LISA, I havn't spoken to you in a while I'm glad to see that you are still active on this board. You probably don't recognize my screen name for I have had to change it along with getting a separate account. I'm hanging in here trying to get past this S even though W has gotten her lawyer involved and is now saying she wants everything. I know you and othwers on this board say don't give up but when lawyers get involved and she wants the moon I guess its time to fight back and defend myself. Mid Life Crisis or Mid Life Change is there a differance? The feeling I get from W now is that she wants something else or someone else and she is aggravated that I'm in her way. Lisa I'm sorry that I havn't been keeping up with your S it's just that this lawyer thing makes you feel like you are a criminal and occupies a lot of my thought process. Going to court is a dirty business and I hate to start slinging mud at each other. I'm praying for a peaceful resolution to all of this and I'm praying for you and your S also.
I also want to thank you for being so compassionate with newcomers. I remember how much your post ( my first one) made me feel like someone is out there making me feel welcome here. I felt so much love from that very first post, & knew I came to the right place.
THANK YOU!!!! I needed to read that again. I am at my wits end, as I feel I keep blowing it. I will see progress, and things seems to be moving along slowly and then he will bait me into a fight and I get into it every time, which only validates his reasons for divorcing me. Then I feel like S**T and end up apologizing for my words/actions. (For years I never apologized for things, now I am doing that). No, I never ever get an apology. I have stopped expecting one. Should I keep apologizing when I screw up? I am told that I do not understand him as a person, that I never knew him. I have kept him in a box and now he is finally free to be his own person. He moved 3000 miles away to look for a job, but the only postive thing is that he wants me and the kids to relocate once he has a job( He forgets he is unemployed, has 8 kids, a wife and a mortgage payment). Sometimes he will call me out of the blue to get my opinion of something, like he wanted me to read his new resume, or hear the AD he had written, he told me he valued my opinion in that area. I made the mistake of telling him that I missed my best friend, he blatently told me that we have never been friends, I don't know how to be a friend. I have beautiful cards that he has written me over the years telling me how much he loves me, that I am his best friend, that he looks forward to each passing year with me, etc. He denies ever having written those things. When I asked him about his last month at home when we were going on dates,and hanging out and even sleeping in the same bed, he said something nasty, " I just was being a nice guy and trying to keep the peace". I think he is lieing, but his words are so convincing. Am I in total denial that my marriage is over or is this typical MLC behavior?? He ran into an old friend and told her that his mind was made up and that he was resolved to doing this. She said that you don't act like a man who wants a divorce, and he said I am just trying to be kind, and respectful. The ugly words that come out of H mouth, and the things he says and does are so off the wall One of his friends invited me out to lunch to see how i was doing. He called her up to see if I had been asking questions about him, and told her that she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't want to. Then he accused me of harrassing her at work. this is totally untrue! It is paranoia! Sometimes he is hysterical on the phone, it is insane!! He says he is absolutely resolved to a D and that is the way it is going to be, nobody will change his mind.I will probably be venting alot more on this board now that I am starting to finally "get it" I am sorry if I drive you all nuts. I feel bad for my kids watching this happen, they miss their Dad right now, and I know he is not going to be coming home until he is ready, if ever. I am watching the man I love self destruct and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. I do have one question though, the verbal abuse, how do I deal with that. I have set boundaries for myself, but they keep being crossed. Then I feel like his Mother because with boundaries there are consequences. I do not like being talked to like crap all of the time. I have made the mistake of not validating his feelings, instead I have been defending myself, and this only makes him angrier and angrier. I am having a hard time with "shutting off". The words hurt!!! His actions hurt!!! My kids are hurting and I am stepping up to the plate for them. I know I am in this for the long haul, but i need to know if this is just a man gone mad or if this is really MLC!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I'm a newbie at all this, so I haven't read much about it other than the boards. I got Divorce Busting b/c the store didn't have Divorce Remedy w/ the chapter about MLC, so I'll keep looking. But I am so confused about MLC.
What makes a person completely lose their mind like MLCers. I understand the whole need for youth, scared of death, wanting independence, etc., but I just don't understand how someone can turn to their loved one and say "I don't love you anymore", "I never loved you", do the most hurtful things, and be absolutely nasty to a W or H? Even if they are unhappy? I've been unhappy before but would not do these things to my H even in the worst mood? How do MLCers lose all sense of reality? Is it chemical? If so, how come there are so many MLCers of different ages? Is it a mental illness of sorts?
I'm just confused as to how and why this occurs. I can't imagine acting the way that the stages say MLCers act. Do they realize what they're doing and just don't care?
Bring 'em on! I post often in BetterDays' thread (MLC forum) to offer my insights and perspectives. I've also chronicled some of my saga in my earlier threads (Determined & Steadfast II/III) over in the Newcomers forum.
Here's a link to a poll that was taken by some spouses of MLCers that asks what age that the MLC monster came to visit them. It is a good reading that should give you an insight. I've posted some of my experiences in there.
Yes, MLC does end eventually. You are, unfortunately, on their timetable.
OK, so, I have several situations going on, and I have read 6 stages of MLC, re-read DR last night and this morning, made goals for myself and as tomorrow is Monday, I am setting myself up to begin full force first thing in the morning....... This is my question. I have noticed that H has distanced himself so much from the family this past month. I used to get the daily phone calls, then they started dwindling more. now it has been 4 days, no word from him at all. He has not done this before. I already know that he spent the weekend away. Right now our marriage is dead, non existant, adamant about divorce, nothing will ever bring him back and I had better get used to it. We go in cycles. Then there is the other side of him that can be sweet and caring and considerate, when he seems genuinly concerned with the welfare of the family. I don't know if this is just another stage of MLC or a control game. I need help in getting some answers from someone who is also going through this.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
WONKA THANK YOU!!!! I needed to read that again. I am at my wits end, as I feel I keep blowing it. I will see progress, and things seems to be moving along slowly and then he will bait me into a fight and I get into it every time, which only validates his reasons for divorcing me. Then I feel like S**T and end up apologizing for my words/actions. (For years I never apologized for things, now I am doing that). No, I never ever get an apology. I have stopped expecting one. Should I keep apologizing when I screw up? I am told that I do not understand him as a person, that I never knew him. I have kept him in a box and now he is finally free to be his own person. He moved 3000 miles away to look for a job, but the only postive thing is that he wants me and the kids to relocate once he has a job( He forgets he is unemployed, has 8 kids, a wife and a mortgage payment). Sometimes he will call me out of the blue to get my opinion of something, like he wanted me to read his new resume, or hear the AD he had written, he told me he valued my opinion in that area. I made the mistake of telling him that I missed my best friend, he blatently told me that we have never been friends, I don't know how to be a friend. I have beautiful cards that he has written me over the years telling me how much he loves me, that I am his best friend, that he looks forward to each passing year with me, etc. He denies ever having written those things. When I asked him about his last month at home when we were going on dates,and hanging out and even sleeping in the same bed, he said something nasty, " I just was being a nice guy and trying to keep the peace". I think he is lieing, but his words are so convincing. Am I in total denial that my marriage is over or is this typical MLC behavior?? He ran into an old friend and told her that his mind was made up and that he was resolved to doing this. She said that you don't act like a man who wants a divorce, and he said I am just trying to be kind, and respectful. The ugly words that come out of H mouth, and the things he says and does are so off the wall One of his friends invited me out to lunch to see how i was doing. He called her up to see if I had been asking questions about him, and told her that she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't want to. Then he accused me of harrassing her at work. this is totally untrue! It is paranoia! Sometimes he is hysterical on the phone, it is insane!! He says he is absolutely resolved to a D and that is the way it is going to be, nobody will change his mind.I will probably be venting alot more on this board now that I am starting to finally "get it" I am sorry if I drive you all nuts. I feel bad for my kids watching this happen, they miss their Dad right now, and I know he is not going to be coming home until he is ready, if ever. I am watching the man I love self destruct and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. I do have one question though, the verbal abuse, how do I deal with that. I have set boundaries for myself, but they keep being crossed. Then I feel like his Mother because with boundaries there are consequences. I do not like being talked to like crap all of the time. I have made the mistake of not validating his feelings, instead I have been defending myself, and this only makes him angrier and angrier. I am having a hard time with "shutting off". The words hurt!!! His actions hurt!!! My kids are hurting and I am stepping up to the plate for them. I know I am in this for the long haul, but i need to know if this is just a man gone mad or if this is really MLC!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
To me it sounds like your H has issues that only he can address. It's just such a shame that he can't see it or what he is doing the those around him that love him.
Quote: I do have one question though, the verbal abuse, how do I deal with that.
I can tell you from a verbal abusers point of view that no one deserves to be treated that way. I have done quite a bit of the verbal abusing. I wouldn't want to be treated like I have treated her.
You should not allow yourself to be treated that way. It's not good for you or anyone around you. You should do your best to make it known to him that you won't take it anymore.
I don't know your H state of mind but I know that I always felt terrible the next day. I'd resolve to stop but then I would go ahead and do it again.
I don't know if I would have stopped if my W hadn't left me but I can tell you this right now. It is an area that I am working on very intently. As a child I witnessed my father verbally and physically abusing my mother and I guess I learned to abuse it from nim.
Whether my W comes back or not, my verbal abusiveness ends here. W has taught me a very hard but valuable lesson. I will not intentionally harm my W or anybody else in the future with words. I am humbled by the whole experience and I can't imagine how much irreperable damage I have done to W self esteem.
ABM
I'm not sure I'm living better, but I am living different.
My Sitch
My H believes that nobody loves him, he has justified his actions by convincing himself of this. He does not see what he is doing to the family. He has completely blocked us out. The kids called him tonight, they hadn't heard from him in a few days, and he made the call very short, like 3 minutes said he had to go for dinner. This is so sad, again, it is even sadder watching the one you love self destruct.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
You know FaH, it seems that all of us abusers have the same thing in common. We always think that nobody likes us and we lash out. I don't think that I have talked to one abusive person that doesn't think that the world is against them.
Well I'm going to fall into that trap anymore and since I've started to release the grip of anger, I can see that people do like me. I can see that even my W who has abandoned me, still Loves me. I just may have figured that out a bit too late.
I'm not sure I'm living better, but I am living different.
My Sitch
Wonka recommended that I come over and check out some of your posts - she said you and I are living in parallel universes! I hope I can learn from you, as I feel so frustrated with my whole sitch.
(((((Lisa))))) I just read the "Do's and Dont's for Newcomers". I am so afraid that I have to leave my H alone especially when he is now having OW. But I must, right? So hard... it's like emotionly divorce... he is not here anymore. I will try to survive. I will do my best S
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this position. I know how confusing and difficult this time is for you. You have to remember, all the things you describe now that the WAS are doing is classic MLC behavior. Understand, they are working on raw emotions, receiving internal signals that just drive him crazy. Their greatest motivating signals are fear, confusion, a feeling of being overwhelmed, so much so, they can no longer even hear their own inner voice, and feel they have lost themselves in some large, dark, cold, abyss.
The one human being that could support and help them, you, can no longer bring them comfort. All of a sudden, in their frame of mind, you are the reason for all of his despair. In the crazy eyes/mind of the MLCer, you've now become the authority figure of their childhood that caused them their greatest concern, feelings of inadequacy and/or abandonment. It just the way this journey works. It has nothing to do with you, or anything you've done, you at this point are helpless to help them. I know how frustrating this is, but this is the way this cycle in life is supposed to work.
The only way you can help them, is to let go, to trust God, allow them the space they need without any strings. They need this space to be able to realize you are not the one causing them their pain. Right now, they are in a self destruct mode, the tighter you hold on, the worse the outcome will be for both of you, the larger the explosion. They need to feel free to go through all of what they are feelings, so they can feel which ones are real within them, and which ones are causing the confusion.
My advice, is to protect yourself and your family right now. Do it for you, your children, but in long run, you will also be helping your spouse out.... but this you won't see until much further down the road. It will ease their guilt when they realize with all that has happened, all that they have done, you are still standing, and doing okay. I think setting up your own account right now, and putting as much money away as you possibly can would be a good idea. It probably looks like your spouse is heading towards the heat of replay, and things are going to become much worse before they are going to get better. No, there is nothing you can do to prevent this from happening, in fact, the more you do to try and stop them, the worse it is going to get.
Anything you do will feel like you are trying to control them, and this is what they are trying to escape, just like any other child approaching the teen years. Essentially, the WAS are trying to go back to a time which they can/could choose the "other path" to see how their life could have turned out, how much different would life been had they only choose the option.
It would be a good idea to start looking into attorneys yourself. This doesn't mean you are accepting the end of your marriage, but you may have to prepare yourself to get ready to dissolve the paper your marriage was written on. You do understand, the true basis of your marriage is safely tucked away in the hands of God, and there is no lawyer in the world that can dissolve it, but can dissolve the paper it is written on. Understand, unconditional love has nothing that an attorney can destroy. Have faith in this.
In the mean time, learn to love yourself, fill the gap your spouses emotional departure is creating. Do things for you, learn, grow, become all that you are meant to be as the person you are. There is so much of ourselves we put away so that the rest of our family can be prosper happily. Your spouse's journey is going to create what feels like a vast void, and the best way I've learned to survive was to fill it with the things I can do for myself, including learning to love myself with all of my flaws and scars.
This has given me a sense of empowerment, so no matter what happens, I know I'm going to be okay. I've read from so many posters, they too, gain joy by the things they do for themselves, by learning about all they things they can do, all on their own, and find their own strengths by putting themselves in the center of their own attention. This journey, albeit all so very painful in the beginning, opens doors to our own self worth and growth, so that we do become all that we were meant to be too.
Take heart, everything does become better, although most of us will agree, there are times we feel so torn apart, that nothing seems to help.... but you wouldn't be here unless you had all that it will take to not only survive this journey, you will surpass anything you ever had.
Yes, I do understand that you want to protect what you have, turn this marriage around now! Prevent your spouse from leaving and all the pain of what all of this will bring. Yes, I understand, this isn't fair, and I know what it does to the children. I know! It doesn't seem right, how could a loving God bring such pain to a family? Have faith, that you will gain so much more through this journey than you have right now. The bonds that will be created within your family will be solidified with the love and respect by the pain this journey brings. Again, have faith, the size of a mustard seed will do.
Letting go of what brings you the most fear, allowing the natural flow of this journey to bring you the answers you seek. Quality quiet time, when and where you find the greatest peace, this too will bring the answers you seek. The power of prayer, is truly amazing. Remember, we aren't given any more than we can handle, although there will be many times you will question this. There will be times when you don't think you can make it through one more day, only to look back and find yourself down the road, stronger and happier than before.
This will seem like an unending journey, but there is happy ending, regardless of what becomes of what we deem important in our lives today. We change, we grow, we become empowered, we learn the true grace of unconditional love, but all of this does take time. The first thing we have to do, is let go of the past, what we thought we knew and open our hearts to what is being offered to us.
Detachment is the most difficult task at hand. It doesn't come over night, yet it does come. Detachment leads to safer ground for us to handle our own emotions, and to separate ourselves from the drama of our spouses journey. The spouse is in a great deal more pain than we are, for they also have to deal with the guilt of the things they have done, also knowing they have caused themselves the greatest of their pain, but will want, no, I mean need to blame it on us, the LBS.
There will be things they say that are so painful, that if given a choice, I think I would have preferred any weapon to the verbal slander they will come out with. This is one of the greatest reasons to detach, for once sufficiently distanced, you will be able to hear their words and understand, better yet, see it is their own pain, only projected on you. The things they do, so out of character will no longer influence the way you feel about yourself, but understand, they are lost in their own confusion, and has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, but has everything to do with them and their own fears.
Accept, don't fight with your own feelings. Certainly, question, but don't fight how you feel. If you set back, allow things to go, understanding you are being lead along with these lessons, the journey will be much smoother. You see, the WAS are fighting their feelings, this is why we see so much conflict within them, it's why they feel so overwhelmed.... they are truly fighting with Satan.
Satan wants us all to back slide, and we do from time to time, after all, we are human. Accept this as a part of the journey, but by all means, don't beat yourself down because of it. Let it go, it is what it is, with another sunrise, you will find you have a new day to open your heart for greater lessons. By focusing on our mistakes, allows Satan to play with our minds..... this doesn't allow room for forgiveness. As with detachment, forgiveness does come naturally. Allowing ourselves not only to forgive ourselves, but our WAS too. Without forgiveness, we become bitter, and we've all come too far for that. Open your hearts and your minds, and you will receive some of the greatest lessons God has to offer.
Relax, find your inner core, there is peace there that will bring you through.
Take care of you, God Bless!
Love, Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
There is another problem about my H. He is addicted to internet chat. (Do mlcers do that too?) He met his OW through yahoo chatroom, And now both of them totally involved in the chatting world, meeting people from the chatroom, dealing people from the chatroom, even work as a team to confront people from chatroom. They totally bring the chatroom to real life. H even missed work to deal with people whom they (H and his OW) know in the chatroom. I found it is so sad that this 35 years old man (of my life) is now having a 21 years gf from chatroom playing as a teammate making the cyberworld as a real world. What am I suppost to do? It is so crazy!!!! Sufen
I do understand your concerns, I really do. The internet, the chatroom, the OW are all a part of the MLC and it's rituals. These things you mention are apart of the world/life your H has created for himself, so he can be the man he thought he should have been, he had chosen a different life path. These things are buffers, bandaids to mask the pain he is in, for if he is busy being this person he portrays, he no longers feels the pain coming from within.
He no longer feels the anxiety of growing older, not achieving all the dreams he once had, no longer feels the guilt of what he is doing to you and your marriage. He feels better, he is possibly feeling he is rescuing someone, a hero even, he can be someone other than the man he found in the mirror before all of this started.
You can't do a thing to help him, you can't fix him, YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM. All you can do is take YOUR focus off of him and his antics, and redirect it towards yourself and your family. The more you focus on him, the more anxiety you will feel, the more you may place upon him, the more he is going to feel the stress, the more he will need to escape, the further you push him away.
Detach my dear, GAL, don't waste your time worrying about him right now. Use your time healing your own heart and feelings, so that you too can become the person you were meant to be. The closer you watch something, the crazier it will make you feel, the longer it will seem to take.
Sad, yes, it is sad, however, there is nothing you can do to change his direction right now although you can make a difference. Take charge of your destination, enjoy what you do have, and explore the possibilities in your life.
Take care of you, God Bless!
Love, Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
If your h is abusing you on the phone can I suggest my technique? My Mum had schizophrenia and later dementia.She was often paranoid.. I loved her as much as anyone can, but she was so nagging and verbally abusive when not well. She could rant and rage and knew me so well she could really upset me.On the phone I developed this wee trick!
When she got into her rant.. i would strike up in my head a bagpipe band or a brass band.. I would march up and down swinging my free arm and making silent oompah or whatever noises with my lips.. I would swing the phone like a baton.. swish..! Then back to my ear as I marched up and down the hall.
I would say.." yes Mum,I understand".. Or "Ok Mum" or "Sorry about that Mum" Whatever seemed right, every few minutes.. meanwhile marching and swinging! My H would be creased with laughter.. and at times it was hard not to laugh myself.. I pictured her standing on a huge podium.. mouthing off ,but no-one could hear due to the band..
I know it is hard but try to see him as mentally unstable, so don't heed his words when abusing.. Try to get some block or humour to minimise the effect
If he is too awful.. do not accept it. Tell him clearly "that is bullying and abusive.. I will not listen to you" and hang up. My H did the verbal stuff for a bit but I hung up.. He was quick on the phone again to try to talk more calmly, shocked that HE was seen as a bully and abusive.
Hi Lisa, thank you for posting the list. It is wonderful!
I have been posting on the Sex Issues and Separated boards, but I really do think my husband is having a very early MLC (he just turned 37) and wanted to seek some advice.
People have been telling me that it is time for me to divorce H - basically no one sees any hope in my situation anymore.
Long story short - my H said he wanted to get a D on Nov 29, 2004. He said he does not love me and he has never loved me in the past. It was only lust. We have been married for 12 years and together for 15 years. We have a three-year-old son. We tried MC with two different counselors to no avail.
We had a huge fight in Jan 2004, and that is when H used the D word for the first time ever in our relationship. We should have gone to see a counselor but we made up that night and we never followed it up to my deepest regret. H has been stressed out since 2002 with his job and our first child. H was often having problems sleeping and was sighing a lot.
H was diagnosed with sex addiction last year (June 2004), and at the beginning by seeing a SA counselor and attending SA meetings, he made wonderful improvement in our marriage. But then he stopped going to the SA meetings and that time he started taking Prozac (his personality has changed since he started taking medication) and also had a one-way emotional affair with someone he met at church. I know this girl too and nothing really happened, as she was not interested in H, but that is when he decided his relationship to me has been causing him great sadness and emptiness. H told me he wants out and wants a divorce.
Then he lost his job in Feb 2005 and b/c of that, he stayed in our house but secretly was looking for an apartment. When I found out, I got so mad that I kicked him out that night. H came back the next morning and said let's give it a serious try now. We decided to go to Hawaii. Also he cried one time and said what he has said over and over to me that he has never loved me in the past was a lie, and he loved me very much. I cried too. When we returned from the trip, H decided to leave, and he found the apartment. It was the first week of May 2005.
Initially he said spending some time separately is a healthy thing for both of us. H wanted to remember his feelings for me. H said there is no way he wants to see other woman. Three days after he moved out, he called and said he loves me and he is glad he moved out to find it out. The next day, he said what he said to me the night before does not mean anything, as he just used me emotionally to calm him down. He could sleep after talking to me that night and that is all he needed. He said he was not coming back.
A week later, he said he cannot wait to meet someone very different from me. I asked about what he said about not dating anyone and also what his therapist suggested (he suggested to my H to not date anyone should we get divorced for the next 5 years b/c H is not emotionally stable) but he did not care.
Since then I have cried, begged, reminded him how much we loved each other and how much fun we used to have together, told him how much I love him and need him, said our son loves him and needs him too..., basically I did everything I should not have done. H got more and more mad each time I did that. In the end he said "I have too much anger there is no way I can come back". "Divorce is the only way". "If we think we still want to be together within the next year or two years we can do that but for now divorce is the only way out"
I have dropped the relationship talk, stopped asking him to change the doctor or medication, stopped asking him to go see a counselor, stopped chasing. Still H's mind is made up firmly. On his birthday, I gave him a small present saying that it is from DS3. I showed up at his apartment parking lot unannounced with DS3, and H actually liked it. H kissed me on my forehead and said "it was a nice surprise", mainly because he got to see DS3 unexpectedly. Still, H was happy. I hoped he would soften up a bit. It did not happen.
Last week H contacted a mediator. Last night he found out I asked my inlaws to watch DS3 while I was gone on the business trip and got so mad and apparently yelled at his father "Hoping will be in a deep trouble in court because she did not ask me first to watch DS3".
I don't know why he hates me so much...
H is desperately seeking for a happier life and he has decided he can only be happy without me....
(((((HopingForMiracles ))))) My husband is 35 and he is acting the same and said the same thing to me as your H. I read a lot (but not enough I think) about MLC and the more I read the more I think he is a mlcer. H is a different person. And to the point I did think that he really really hated me and I must be a very bad person to make a person I love so much so miserable. And now H has a 21 ys old gf (we are not divorced) and he told me that he is very happy with her. So I step back to let him have his happiness because there is nothing I can do. Sad... here is my thread I can only tell myself to hanging there for now Love Sufen
HopingForMiracles(HFM) I have heard many of the same words your H has said to you, My H also wanted a D, Told me he was NEVER coming home, Told Me that He needed to move out get his own place he thought things would be great, He did find his HOOKER(OW) they had thier fun for a year, But I guess he found the grass was not as green as he thought, he showed me alot of anger, and I also made all the mistakes, I cried, begged, told him how much I loved him, But Nothing I said made any difference his mind was made up, He was finished with the M, he was moving on and wanted me to do the same, Well I am here to tell you My H returned home this Past April, Now please don't get me wrong things are not great, He is still lost in LA LA LAND, But I am taking one day at a time, giving him the space he needs, and living my Life, when and if he wakes up he will know that I did support him, but that I also had to live my life for me..
My H also gave me the money to go see a Lawyer, He wanted out but my H also thought he could get a divorce for 99.00 26 years together he thought you went to a L office for about a hour and paid 99.00 and he would have his D...
SO you can see they are not dealing with a full deck, they are way way out there so the best thing you can do is NOW back off, go dim with him, do not take all his calls, do NOT show up at his place, I would not give him any cards, gifts or ILY'S for now, The best thing you can do is give him the space he needs, do NOT talk any more about how you feel about him, How much you love him, infact if you can get yourself detached from his drama, focus only on you and your children, and leave him be you will see the anger start to slow down..
It does take time to get the hang of dealing with these MLCERS but you will feel better about things the sooner you detach from him..
This is an amazing post written with so much insight and wisdom. I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to write this!!! Your words are like truth speaking to the core of pain that I'm dealing with right now. Thank you for writing such an honest and wise post. I really needed to read that information that you shared today!
After 16 years of marriage my wife has said she is bored of the home, me and as the kids are nearly independat she has nothing to do. Reading the previous posts has made me see that she is going through MLC she is 40 i am 38.She has said that she isnt sure if she wants to be with me. and that I should give her time to come to a decision as to what she wants to do. I have tried to make life for her easy by cooking, cleaning, ironing etc whilst she works shifts. She is in defferent towards me I give her all the hugs and kisses she avoids me and nothing is returned. I used to work shifts but due to a injury I am now office bound, i have gained a few pounds but we still had an passion for each other. A few questions:- 1, will it help if I make myself fitter (more attractive). 2, will it help if I continue to make her life easy (cleaning etc) help. 3, Will offeering to join in with new pastimes hobbies etc or suggesting them work.
I need help I am in limbo just waiting, cant sleeep, or eat, nothing else seems important at this moment. this has been going on for around 3 months now. Is there anything I can do or say that will, when she is through this bring her back to me.
Quote: 1, will it help if I make myself fitter (more attractive.
Yes....you will notice her "checking you out" but she probably won't say anything at first.
Quote:
2, will it help if I continue to make her life easy (cleaning etc) help.
It might, was that a complaint of hers before, right now she is all about herself remember.
Quote:
3, Will offeering to join in with new pastimes hobbies etc or suggesting them work.
She may see that as you trying to control her.
There is no magic pill for MLC I am sorry to say. What you can do now is read posts, and give her her space. You will want to start a thread of your own. Make the changes for yourself and she will notice. Take care of you and your kids. Good luck
I don't care what you think, as long as it's about me.
Good stuff but one question: if H says ILY, which he does often, (either cuz he does, and or because he wants me to wait for him, or he's just crazy and confused) shouldn't I say it back? DB said to "keep road home paved and smooth" so I don't know if Not saying it back will look cold. Ideas? He is visiting this weekend--tonight. jc
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This sounds so much like my husband. He is 39 and is having an affair with one of my former 26 year old daycare parents. He says stuff like "he is almost 40 and wants to be happy and do things he hasnt got to do." We have been married for 14 years and have 14, 11, and a 8 year old. What happen to responsibility?
^ Bumping up. Some pearls of wisdom for the newbies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can barely remember what I told DW in the midst of my MLC. Newcomers, take heed to Lisa's advice for it will serve you well down the long journey that you've never signed up for when you married your spouses. Lisa is the shining living example of "until death do us apart." 
Then I feel like S**T and end up apologizing for my words/actions.
