(((((Lisa))))) I just read the "Do's and Dont's for Newcomers". I am so afraid that I have to leave my H alone especially when he is now having OW. But I must, right? So hard... it's like emotionly divorce... he is not here anymore. I will try to survive. I will do my best S
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this position. I know how confusing and difficult this time is for you. You have to remember, all the things you describe now that the WAS are doing is classic MLC behavior. Understand, they are working on raw emotions, receiving internal signals that just drive him crazy. Their greatest motivating signals are fear, confusion, a feeling of being overwhelmed, so much so, they can no longer even hear their own inner voice, and feel they have lost themselves in some large, dark, cold, abyss.
The one human being that could support and help them, you, can no longer bring them comfort. All of a sudden, in their frame of mind, you are the reason for all of his despair. In the crazy eyes/mind of the MLCer, you've now become the authority figure of their childhood that caused them their greatest concern, feelings of inadequacy and/or abandonment. It just the way this journey works. It has nothing to do with you, or anything you've done, you at this point are helpless to help them. I know how frustrating this is, but this is the way this cycle in life is supposed to work.
The only way you can help them, is to let go, to trust God, allow them the space they need without any strings. They need this space to be able to realize you are not the one causing them their pain. Right now, they are in a self destruct mode, the tighter you hold on, the worse the outcome will be for both of you, the larger the explosion. They need to feel free to go through all of what they are feelings, so they can feel which ones are real within them, and which ones are causing the confusion.
My advice, is to protect yourself and your family right now. Do it for you, your children, but in long run, you will also be helping your spouse out.... but this you won't see until much further down the road. It will ease their guilt when they realize with all that has happened, all that they have done, you are still standing, and doing okay. I think setting up your own account right now, and putting as much money away as you possibly can would be a good idea. It probably looks like your spouse is heading towards the heat of replay, and things are going to become much worse before they are going to get better. No, there is nothing you can do to prevent this from happening, in fact, the more you do to try and stop them, the worse it is going to get.
Anything you do will feel like you are trying to control them, and this is what they are trying to escape, just like any other child approaching the teen years. Essentially, the WAS are trying to go back to a time which they can/could choose the "other path" to see how their life could have turned out, how much different would life been had they only choose the option.
It would be a good idea to start looking into attorneys yourself. This doesn't mean you are accepting the end of your marriage, but you may have to prepare yourself to get ready to dissolve the paper your marriage was written on. You do understand, the true basis of your marriage is safely tucked away in the hands of God, and there is no lawyer in the world that can dissolve it, but can dissolve the paper it is written on. Understand, unconditional love has nothing that an attorney can destroy. Have faith in this.
In the mean time, learn to love yourself, fill the gap your spouses emotional departure is creating. Do things for you, learn, grow, become all that you are meant to be as the person you are. There is so much of ourselves we put away so that the rest of our family can be prosper happily. Your spouse's journey is going to create what feels like a vast void, and the best way I've learned to survive was to fill it with the things I can do for myself, including learning to love myself with all of my flaws and scars.
This has given me a sense of empowerment, so no matter what happens, I know I'm going to be okay. I've read from so many posters, they too, gain joy by the things they do for themselves, by learning about all they things they can do, all on their own, and find their own strengths by putting themselves in the center of their own attention. This journey, albeit all so very painful in the beginning, opens doors to our own self worth and growth, so that we do become all that we were meant to be too.
Take heart, everything does become better, although most of us will agree, there are times we feel so torn apart, that nothing seems to help.... but you wouldn't be here unless you had all that it will take to not only survive this journey, you will surpass anything you ever had.
Yes, I do understand that you want to protect what you have, turn this marriage around now! Prevent your spouse from leaving and all the pain of what all of this will bring. Yes, I understand, this isn't fair, and I know what it does to the children. I know! It doesn't seem right, how could a loving God bring such pain to a family? Have faith, that you will gain so much more through this journey than you have right now. The bonds that will be created within your family will be solidified with the love and respect by the pain this journey brings. Again, have faith, the size of a mustard seed will do.
Letting go of what brings you the most fear, allowing the natural flow of this journey to bring you the answers you seek. Quality quiet time, when and where you find the greatest peace, this too will bring the answers you seek. The power of prayer, is truly amazing. Remember, we aren't given any more than we can handle, although there will be many times you will question this. There will be times when you don't think you can make it through one more day, only to look back and find yourself down the road, stronger and happier than before.
This will seem like an unending journey, but there is happy ending, regardless of what becomes of what we deem important in our lives today. We change, we grow, we become empowered, we learn the true grace of unconditional love, but all of this does take time. The first thing we have to do, is let go of the past, what we thought we knew and open our hearts to what is being offered to us.
Detachment is the most difficult task at hand. It doesn't come over night, yet it does come. Detachment leads to safer ground for us to handle our own emotions, and to separate ourselves from the drama of our spouses journey. The spouse is in a great deal more pain than we are, for they also have to deal with the guilt of the things they have done, also knowing they have caused themselves the greatest of their pain, but will want, no, I mean need to blame it on us, the LBS.
There will be things they say that are so painful, that if given a choice, I think I would have preferred any weapon to the verbal slander they will come out with. This is one of the greatest reasons to detach, for once sufficiently distanced, you will be able to hear their words and understand, better yet, see it is their own pain, only projected on you. The things they do, so out of character will no longer influence the way you feel about yourself, but understand, they are lost in their own confusion, and has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, but has everything to do with them and their own fears.
Accept, don't fight with your own feelings. Certainly, question, but don't fight how you feel. If you set back, allow things to go, understanding you are being lead along with these lessons, the journey will be much smoother. You see, the WAS are fighting their feelings, this is why we see so much conflict within them, it's why they feel so overwhelmed.... they are truly fighting with Satan.
Satan wants us all to back slide, and we do from time to time, after all, we are human. Accept this as a part of the journey, but by all means, don't beat yourself down because of it. Let it go, it is what it is, with another sunrise, you will find you have a new day to open your heart for greater lessons. By focusing on our mistakes, allows Satan to play with our minds..... this doesn't allow room for forgiveness. As with detachment, forgiveness does come naturally. Allowing ourselves not only to forgive ourselves, but our WAS too. Without forgiveness, we become bitter, and we've all come too far for that. Open your hearts and your minds, and you will receive some of the greatest lessons God has to offer.
Relax, find your inner core, there is peace there that will bring you through.
Take care of you, God Bless!
Love, Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
There is another problem about my H. He is addicted to internet chat. (Do mlcers do that too?) He met his OW through yahoo chatroom, And now both of them totally involved in the chatting world, meeting people from the chatroom, dealing people from the chatroom, even work as a team to confront people from chatroom. They totally bring the chatroom to real life. H even missed work to deal with people whom they (H and his OW) know in the chatroom. I found it is so sad that this 35 years old man (of my life) is now having a 21 years gf from chatroom playing as a teammate making the cyberworld as a real world. What am I suppost to do? It is so crazy!!!! Sufen
I do understand your concerns, I really do. The internet, the chatroom, the OW are all a part of the MLC and it's rituals. These things you mention are apart of the world/life your H has created for himself, so he can be the man he thought he should have been, he had chosen a different life path. These things are buffers, bandaids to mask the pain he is in, for if he is busy being this person he portrays, he no longers feels the pain coming from within.
He no longer feels the anxiety of growing older, not achieving all the dreams he once had, no longer feels the guilt of what he is doing to you and your marriage. He feels better, he is possibly feeling he is rescuing someone, a hero even, he can be someone other than the man he found in the mirror before all of this started.
You can't do a thing to help him, you can't fix him, YOU DIDN'T BREAK HIM. All you can do is take YOUR focus off of him and his antics, and redirect it towards yourself and your family. The more you focus on him, the more anxiety you will feel, the more you may place upon him, the more he is going to feel the stress, the more he will need to escape, the further you push him away.
Detach my dear, GAL, don't waste your time worrying about him right now. Use your time healing your own heart and feelings, so that you too can become the person you were meant to be. The closer you watch something, the crazier it will make you feel, the longer it will seem to take.
Sad, yes, it is sad, however, there is nothing you can do to change his direction right now although you can make a difference. Take charge of your destination, enjoy what you do have, and explore the possibilities in your life.
Take care of you, God Bless!
Love, Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
If your h is abusing you on the phone can I suggest my technique? My Mum had schizophrenia and later dementia.She was often paranoid.. I loved her as much as anyone can, but she was so nagging and verbally abusive when not well. She could rant and rage and knew me so well she could really upset me.On the phone I developed this wee trick!
When she got into her rant.. i would strike up in my head a bagpipe band or a brass band.. I would march up and down swinging my free arm and making silent oompah or whatever noises with my lips.. I would swing the phone like a baton.. swish..! Then back to my ear as I marched up and down the hall.
I would say.." yes Mum,I understand".. Or "Ok Mum" or "Sorry about that Mum" Whatever seemed right, every few minutes.. meanwhile marching and swinging! My H would be creased with laughter.. and at times it was hard not to laugh myself.. I pictured her standing on a huge podium.. mouthing off ,but no-one could hear due to the band..
I know it is hard but try to see him as mentally unstable, so don't heed his words when abusing.. Try to get some block or humour to minimise the effect
If he is too awful.. do not accept it. Tell him clearly "that is bullying and abusive.. I will not listen to you" and hang up. My H did the verbal stuff for a bit but I hung up.. He was quick on the phone again to try to talk more calmly, shocked that HE was seen as a bully and abusive.
Hi Lisa, thank you for posting the list. It is wonderful!
I have been posting on the Sex Issues and Separated boards, but I really do think my husband is having a very early MLC (he just turned 37) and wanted to seek some advice.
People have been telling me that it is time for me to divorce H - basically no one sees any hope in my situation anymore.
Long story short - my H said he wanted to get a D on Nov 29, 2004. He said he does not love me and he has never loved me in the past. It was only lust. We have been married for 12 years and together for 15 years. We have a three-year-old son. We tried MC with two different counselors to no avail.
We had a huge fight in Jan 2004, and that is when H used the D word for the first time ever in our relationship. We should have gone to see a counselor but we made up that night and we never followed it up to my deepest regret. H has been stressed out since 2002 with his job and our first child. H was often having problems sleeping and was sighing a lot.
H was diagnosed with sex addiction last year (June 2004), and at the beginning by seeing a SA counselor and attending SA meetings, he made wonderful improvement in our marriage. But then he stopped going to the SA meetings and that time he started taking Prozac (his personality has changed since he started taking medication) and also had a one-way emotional affair with someone he met at church. I know this girl too and nothing really happened, as she was not interested in H, but that is when he decided his relationship to me has been causing him great sadness and emptiness. H told me he wants out and wants a divorce.
Then he lost his job in Feb 2005 and b/c of that, he stayed in our house but secretly was looking for an apartment. When I found out, I got so mad that I kicked him out that night. H came back the next morning and said let's give it a serious try now. We decided to go to Hawaii. Also he cried one time and said what he has said over and over to me that he has never loved me in the past was a lie, and he loved me very much. I cried too. When we returned from the trip, H decided to leave, and he found the apartment. It was the first week of May 2005.
Initially he said spending some time separately is a healthy thing for both of us. H wanted to remember his feelings for me. H said there is no way he wants to see other woman. Three days after he moved out, he called and said he loves me and he is glad he moved out to find it out. The next day, he said what he said to me the night before does not mean anything, as he just used me emotionally to calm him down. He could sleep after talking to me that night and that is all he needed. He said he was not coming back.
A week later, he said he cannot wait to meet someone very different from me. I asked about what he said about not dating anyone and also what his therapist suggested (he suggested to my H to not date anyone should we get divorced for the next 5 years b/c H is not emotionally stable) but he did not care.
Since then I have cried, begged, reminded him how much we loved each other and how much fun we used to have together, told him how much I love him and need him, said our son loves him and needs him too..., basically I did everything I should not have done. H got more and more mad each time I did that. In the end he said "I have too much anger there is no way I can come back". "Divorce is the only way". "If we think we still want to be together within the next year or two years we can do that but for now divorce is the only way out"
I have dropped the relationship talk, stopped asking him to change the doctor or medication, stopped asking him to go see a counselor, stopped chasing. Still H's mind is made up firmly. On his birthday, I gave him a small present saying that it is from DS3. I showed up at his apartment parking lot unannounced with DS3, and H actually liked it. H kissed me on my forehead and said "it was a nice surprise", mainly because he got to see DS3 unexpectedly. Still, H was happy. I hoped he would soften up a bit. It did not happen.
Last week H contacted a mediator. Last night he found out I asked my inlaws to watch DS3 while I was gone on the business trip and got so mad and apparently yelled at his father "Hoping will be in a deep trouble in court because she did not ask me first to watch DS3".
I don't know why he hates me so much...
H is desperately seeking for a happier life and he has decided he can only be happy without me....
