I thought I should start this thread for any newcomers
The rules apply to Men and Women...
First let me start off with I am sorry you find yourself here along with the rest of us, You have come to a wonderful place for support and advice, You will find many people here that will Help you cope with your H/W that are in MLC..
I Think it is very important to read as much as you can on MLC, search the internet, The are Books written about Mid Life Crisis, Get informed, I feel it is important to find out as much as you can not so that you can fix your H/W but learn what is going on with them, and how you can cope..
Understand That your H/W crisis was NOT caused by you, Many MLCERS have Childhood Issues that they need deal with.. Of course you will hear from your H/W you are the cause of thier Crisis but this is not true, they do not know that what they are feeling has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them..
They become Teenagers again and become VERY slefish, They Become VERY angry, They can Be VERY nasty, You can NOT take this personal, they are angry at themselves but will take it out on you.. Just like a teenager they will look at YOU as the Father/Mother figure NOT as a Husband or Wife..
You may have gotten the Speech from your H/W that they Love you but are no longer In Love with you, This is something they all say, Well I believe they do Love you they have just pushed the In Love with you feelings WAY down, They Need to go through this Crisis without any pressure from you.. This will be one of the Hardest things you have ever done, This is the Rollercoaster ride from Hell, You will have your ups and down's Your twist and turns, Understand MLC takes 2-5 Years, There is NO quick Fix, There is NOTHING you can do to fix your H/W this is something they have to go through alone, It is a Journey they are off on and you have NOT been asked to join..
You will have to Love your H/W from afar, You can NOT help them, You can NOT tell them what is wrong and right, You have to let them figure out thier issues on thier own..
Now Here is the Do'S
DO Make sure you Take care of yourself durning this time..
Do Make sure you Eat Sleep Rest if you can not sleep
DO Read as much as you can on MLC
DO Make sure you keep your Mind and Body active during this time, Join a gym, Join a walking group, Take up a new Hobby, do some project around the house that maybe you have put off, go back to school, get out with friends or family..
DO make sure you give your H/W Losts and Lots of space..
DO make sure if you have children to look out for them, While in MLC alot of MLCER'S are not the best parents, again they can only think for the moment and they can only worry about themselves..You will need to be the rock for your children, Look out for them worry only about YOU and your Children..
D0 Have a good friend or family member or pastor you can talk to, You will need a shoulder or a ear from someone..
DO If at anytime you start to feel down, depressed, low, get to your Family Dr, there are Anti-Depression Meds out there and your Dr can give you something to help you cope..
DO- Protect yourself when it comes to the Money, while in MLC MANY MCLER'S like to spend like there is NO tomorrow, PLEASE keep a eye on your Credit cards, Bank Accounts, If you must open your own bank account..
DO Make sure you are GOOD to yourself durning this time, Treat yourself to something nice now and then, YOU have to look out for yourself, Your H/W will NOT be able to do it at this time..
DO All your Venting Here NOT at your H/W this is important, Let us help you cope..
Now for The DO NOT'S
DO NOT Cry infront of your H/W this will make you look Needy, MLCER'S DO NOT like needy...
DO NOT Beg your H/W to stay if they talk about moving out, Let them go, If you beg once again you look needy..
DO NOT say I LOVE YOU to your H/W..
DO NOT Yell, Blame, Fight with your H/W Come here get it all out on your thread, if you fight with your H/W you will only push them futher away..
DO NOT Deffend yourself, While In MLC the H/W will blame you for everything, They will try and fight with you to justify what they are doing, DO NOT take the bait, If they blame you for anything, all you say is I AM SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY, and then walk away.. If you Deffend yourslef it gets them even more angry..
DO NOT SNOOP Many MLCERS will Have an AFFAIR, Remember if they do that the Other Man (OM/OW) Other woman are only a bandaid to the MLCER'S Problmes.. SO when I say do not SNOOP that means, Do NOT look at the cell phones, Check the pockets, smell the shirts, check the briefcas, follow them in your car.. In the Long run you will be the one that is hurt from it all..
DO NOT Judge or Point fingers, This means DON'T tell a MLCER what they are doing is wrong, Trust me they Know but they can NOT help how they Feel.. You will only make them more angry..
DO NOT tell everyone you know about your H/W, MOST MLCER'S DO NOT like being Talked about.. again you will only push them further away..
DO NOT try and be the Hero, DO NOT go to your H/W bestfriend and try and talk to them, That is a BIG NO NO, again the MLCER will feel you are invading thier space..
DO NOT show anger at your H/W you will learn how to do this in time..
DO NOT Buy gifts, cards, anything that would have to do with being a couple, this is pressure to a MLCER...
DO NOT think this is YOUR Fault its Not..
DO NOT Tell your H/W that he or she is in MLC.. They will think you are wrong..
DO NOT Tell them about this place, this is for you..
DO NOT Give them books on MLC, DO NOT give them any information on MLC..
DO NOT try To get them to go to the Doctor, MLCER's DO NOT like being told what to do..
DO NOT question them, this means, Do NOT ask them where they are, what time will they be home, who are they talking to on the phone, why they are wearing that shirt/dress/ why are they so angry, and so on and so on.. just leave them be..
Now that I have given you some Tips, Understand this will be alot of work, The MLCER will Rewrite the History of your M, They will Put most if not all of the Blame on you, Pay no mind, you will hear us tell you to DETACH, this means do not allow your H/W to suck you into a fight, walk away, show them no emotion, I know that will be hard, but if you can detach yourslef from thier words and actions the better it will be for YOU..
You will have to learn to LISTEN to what your H/W is saying to you..Then you will have to learn how to VALIDATE what they are saying..
IF your H/W says something Like: You Never Talk to me or Listen to me, You just say I am sorry you feel this way, and really LISTEN if they feel you are deffending yourself they will get very angry, BUT if you show them that you are Listening to what they say(VALIDATING) they do believe you are paying attention to what they are saying...
You will also see us talking about BACKSLIDING and we all do it, this means you have been dbing and been doing really good, then you and your H/W get into a fight, YOU feel like you just made things bad all over again, But you did not you did a backslide, what you will need to do, is go for a walk/drive/ remove yourself from you H/W and regroup.. again all of this takes time, but it can be done..
Read other threads here, post to others, you will see many of us are in the same boat as you and are willing to Listen and Help..You are NOT alone, You do NOT have to do this without support, We are Here and do Care..
I second Hope's thoughts! Great Job, and thanks for taking the time to do this for all the new comers, this is something they need to see upon their arrival to the boards.
Take care of you, God Bless!
Love, Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
You have written a nice synopsis of the MLC and the LBS's tools to battle the monster that is lurking over in your M. You are indeed the Queen of DBing!
As a former MLCer, I was floored when I read up the list and I wonder what stuff that came out of my mouth to my DW. I can barely remember what I told DW in the midst of my MLC. Newcomers, take heed to Lisa's advice for it will serve you well down the long journey that you've never signed up for when you married your spouses. Lisa is the shining living example of "until death do us apart."
Thanks for doing this---even those of us who have been dealing with WAH/MLC need to be reminded of these things over and over again. In my sitch an OW has entered (been there for a while--but I didn't know about her) the picture and it has thrown me for a loop. I have been re-reading everything I can get my hands on because my head is spinning. I know this has nothing to do with me yet is still hurts horribly. When new elements strike each of our MLC sitches we all have to refresh ourselves.
Taltexanna
My goal is to stop fighting with my husband and start fighting like hell for my marriage.
HI LISA, I havn't spoken to you in a while I'm glad to see that you are still active on this board. You probably don't recognize my screen name for I have had to change it along with getting a separate account. I'm hanging in here trying to get past this S even though W has gotten her lawyer involved and is now saying she wants everything. I know you and othwers on this board say don't give up but when lawyers get involved and she wants the moon I guess its time to fight back and defend myself. Mid Life Crisis or Mid Life Change is there a differance? The feeling I get from W now is that she wants something else or someone else and she is aggravated that I'm in her way. Lisa I'm sorry that I havn't been keeping up with your S it's just that this lawyer thing makes you feel like you are a criminal and occupies a lot of my thought process. Going to court is a dirty business and I hate to start slinging mud at each other. I'm praying for a peaceful resolution to all of this and I'm praying for you and your S also.
I also want to thank you for being so compassionate with newcomers. I remember how much your post ( my first one) made me feel like someone is out there making me feel welcome here. I felt so much love from that very first post, & knew I came to the right place.
THANK YOU!!!! I needed to read that again. I am at my wits end, as I feel I keep blowing it. I will see progress, and things seems to be moving along slowly and then he will bait me into a fight and I get into it every time, which only validates his reasons for divorcing me. Then I feel like S**T and end up apologizing for my words/actions. (For years I never apologized for things, now I am doing that). No, I never ever get an apology. I have stopped expecting one. Should I keep apologizing when I screw up? I am told that I do not understand him as a person, that I never knew him. I have kept him in a box and now he is finally free to be his own person. He moved 3000 miles away to look for a job, but the only postive thing is that he wants me and the kids to relocate once he has a job( He forgets he is unemployed, has 8 kids, a wife and a mortgage payment). Sometimes he will call me out of the blue to get my opinion of something, like he wanted me to read his new resume, or hear the AD he had written, he told me he valued my opinion in that area. I made the mistake of telling him that I missed my best friend, he blatently told me that we have never been friends, I don't know how to be a friend. I have beautiful cards that he has written me over the years telling me how much he loves me, that I am his best friend, that he looks forward to each passing year with me, etc. He denies ever having written those things. When I asked him about his last month at home when we were going on dates,and hanging out and even sleeping in the same bed, he said something nasty, " I just was being a nice guy and trying to keep the peace". I think he is lieing, but his words are so convincing. Am I in total denial that my marriage is over or is this typical MLC behavior?? He ran into an old friend and told her that his mind was made up and that he was resolved to doing this. She said that you don't act like a man who wants a divorce, and he said I am just trying to be kind, and respectful. The ugly words that come out of H mouth, and the things he says and does are so off the wall One of his friends invited me out to lunch to see how i was doing. He called her up to see if I had been asking questions about him, and told her that she didn't have to talk to me if she didn't want to. Then he accused me of harrassing her at work. this is totally untrue! It is paranoia! Sometimes he is hysterical on the phone, it is insane!! He says he is absolutely resolved to a D and that is the way it is going to be, nobody will change his mind.I will probably be venting alot more on this board now that I am starting to finally "get it" I am sorry if I drive you all nuts. I feel bad for my kids watching this happen, they miss their Dad right now, and I know he is not going to be coming home until he is ready, if ever. I am watching the man I love self destruct and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him. I do have one question though, the verbal abuse, how do I deal with that. I have set boundaries for myself, but they keep being crossed. Then I feel like his Mother because with boundaries there are consequences. I do not like being talked to like crap all of the time. I have made the mistake of not validating his feelings, instead I have been defending myself, and this only makes him angrier and angrier. I am having a hard time with "shutting off". The words hurt!!! His actions hurt!!! My kids are hurting and I am stepping up to the plate for them. I know I am in this for the long haul, but i need to know if this is just a man gone mad or if this is really MLC!!!
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I can barely remember what I told DW in the midst of my MLC. Newcomers, take heed to Lisa's advice for it will serve you well down the long journey that you've never signed up for when you married your spouses. Lisa is the shining living example of "until death do us apart." 
Then I feel like S**T and end up apologizing for my words/actions.
