I was hoping that by forgiving him of pthe past manipulations; I would not allow him to continue to manipulate me. I haven't had any contact with him since I did the forgiveness exersises.
Michelle - If it is not too much to ask, would you mind poking in my thread to give me your thoughts? So many things you have said resonate with me and are things I have heard from or seen in my W. I think you might have some really valuable insights.
I have just posted a pretty good overview of where I see I am and need some help thinking through what I should be doing
Hey, good name change. It sounds more hopeful than how your were sounding yesterday. I will be praying that he has checked out some more websites. Patience and baby steps. Hope he learns that and is able to slowly show you those, not tell you.
Have you found any other promising websites? I found that if you use google and type in divorce busting, there are some other resources on the right side of the page. I bought an ebook from savethemarriage.com. It, and the comments that W made, showed me that I was also being a control freak. DinWa pointed out a book to me. I am going to see if I can find it tonight and begin reading it this week. It is on my thread if you are interested in pointing it out to your H. Can't remember the name right now, but it has to do with anger manangement and control issues. There is also savemymarriage.com that has seminars. There is one in my area in a few months. I mentioned it to W on Saturday, to bad results. As you and others say, got to stop mentioning the R.
You got it. I will read your thread....give me a few moments, I am still at work.
I don't know if I ever sent you my reply to an earlier question you asked me about a comment I made about meeting my H.
Quote: H was extremely rude to me when we met. Right from the beginning I thought he was an ass.....
Did you always feel this way, or is this something you have decided recently as your R has gotten works and you have felt the need to move on? I ask this because I think when people are sad or depressed about something they tend to look interpret everything in a very negative fashion and lose sight of all that is good. Do you think there is some of this in your comments?
Yes, I have always felt this way. We used to laugh about how he was rude to me and then as soon as I walked off he was asking our mutual friend who I was and telling her I was HOT!
Actually, I am not sure I am more hopeful, but I thought that was a good name for me. I still have the reality that H isn't taking any initiative smacking me in the face, but as per my usual, I am a forever hopeless romantic.
My hopes have changed since this weekend. I did a lot of soul searching, reflection, forgiving, journaling and letter writing, asking certain individuals to forgive me for miscommunications or other actions that may have hurt them. I am just concentrating on me. I am hoping to finish DB before Saturday so that maybe I can "accidentally" leave it behind.
I have found savemymarriage.com, divorcesource.com, divorceasfriends.com and this one. Honestly, after I found this one, I didn't try looking anymore.
Are you talking about the book related to Anger? I think I saw it when I was buying DB. Maybe I can find a way to casually mention it to H. I asked him when he was going to C for the money issues to talk about that, too, but no such luck. The only way I get results is to demand he do it or lose me foreve - and I HATE being that person. I do not like to "nag"; nor do I like to continue asking for things; hence why I leave. Seems like that is the only thing that wakes H up.
The book I was referencing is called The Anger Trap by Les Carter. Thanks to DinWa for pointing it out. I have only started reading, and I see me so well in this book. I set stupid rules, and would blow up when they were not met. I hope to read it before the weekend is over. So much to learn for all of us.
Where did you get your forgiveness exercises? Does that also work for forgiving ourselves?
For people to change, they have to want it bad enough to force their way through to build the good habits in and stop the bad habits. Stopping smoking is not an easy thing, but it probably is a sinch compared to changing the issues were have ingrained into our personalities for 30 or more years (in my case). As I read this book, I am realizing that I will not be ready to go back even if asked for a little while longer. I thought I was doing good in that the anger had not flared. Well, I have a couple of tools to try when I get upset, but I have not dealt with the deeper fears that really trigger the anger. So much work to do. It will be the same with your H. I wish he would start getting that initiative to really get going. I pray he surprises you in that way on Saturday.
As for tonight. I asked W if we could talk for a moment. The first thing out of her mouth was not more of this discussion. I said no quickly. I told her that she was right in that it was not fair. It is only 4 months until she will be flying. If she needs anything. She said she has it all under control, and to just pay the child support. I told her no problem, and that the offer stands. I did not get a chance to mention the other account. I will get that out on Saturday, which is the next time I am sure I will talk with her.
I got my forgiveness exercises from a book called: Love, Honor & Forgive. I also got some advice from people here and my C. I don't have the book with me, but basically there are 6 statements of forgiveness that you work through. The book tells you to say them aloud and let it go. The C and others suggested writing them and then burning it. I did both. I wrote them down; then read each aloud and then burned it.
Yes, I would think that it would work for forgiving yourself also. Just a little differently. I am sure you can modify them to fit your purposes.
It's pretty short - the 6 statements, so if you want I will write them to you, but it will have to be later (when I get home) since I don't have the book with me.
I have ahd that book since before I moved out - and I am just now finding myself ready to do them. So be patient, you will know when the time is right.
M
P.S. H sent me the following text message last night - "I know I am not supposed to talk to you, but I really miss you and I love you with all of my heart."
I have not responded. Should I? I thought about saying "Thanks for the message and honoring my request for time." Or something simple like that.
If you get a chance, please do post the 6 statements. I have the feeling there are some things I will have to forgive my W and my father for as I peel back this onion. Onion is the correct term. Leaves a bad taste in my mouth, which keeps my W away, and can bring tears.
As much as I would like to say run to your H with open arms after the text msg, mostly 'cause that is what I would want my W to do. He has to make the changes and show you. I think a, "Thanks for giving me the space I continue to need as we each work through our issues," kind of response would be good. That way it kind of says to not push me, but I am still here.
