He could be looking at marriage building websites and you just aren't aware of it. I read this site a lot but still, I do look at other sites.
Or..
Gene is right. Maybe he doesn't know these sites exist. When I found out about the affair, I started looking for articles relating to that topic. I stumbled across a message board completely by mistake. I had never even thought of looking on the internet for support.
Perhaps this isn't his kind of help. My H doesn't read here and has never had any interest in reading relationship books either. It's just not his thing. He deals with things differently than I do.
Rather than assuming that he isn't reading marriage rebuilding material, why not just ask him? Why not suggest to him that it would be a good and thoughtful thing to do?
I have never replied to your thread before but my W has been on here for awile and I also joined this site to try to get help for myself to be a better me. I am/was alot like your H when it came to spending, and you are right it probably does have to do alot with his upbringing. My W realizes that it is not easy for me to just change this. If he is alot like me I have been like this all my life and it takes hard work for me not to do it now. I still slip every once in awile the difference is I feel terrible when I slip now, before it was "oh well we'll be fine" but not any more. I trained myself, it used to be bad, I used to spend up to $20 per day on nothing, I would walk into a store and buy a pop and chips and a magazine and 2 chocolate bars etc. now when I walk into a store I bring 2 dollars with me and I force myself to choose a bag of chips or a pop or a chocolate bar. I also had a bad time with the bar scene. I would spend until the night was over. now I end the night when the money that I go in with is gone. It won't be easy for him but if you are worth keeping in his mind he will change. Even now I slip and I asked my W for help. This will only work if he WANTS to change if he doesn't he may get angry with you. what I am doing now is my W will get my entire cheque from work. If I want to go out she will give me money 20 or 40 or what ever. this will force me to watch my money, I don't have and endless supply for the night. if I want the night to last longer I have to stretch my money. like I said this won't work with everyone but I really want to change. I used to do this and I resented her if she wouldn't give me more money, I have to realize now that I made the choice to put her in charge of my money and she will never steer me wrong if she says no there is a reason. you and your H may not be at the point we are right now. If you read married-three_months threads you know what I did was way worse than this. I screwed up bad. There are alot of things that I have changed about myself and my W is probably more in your shoes than you know. It will be hard for her to believe that the changes I have made are for good, it is not for her to believe, it is for me to prove. I hope that this helped even a little, I hope things work out for you where ever life may take you.
I don't think it would be a good idea to send him that note yet, unless you want him calling you and trying to pressure you back. Believe me on coming from the other side of things. Forgive him for you, act like it, but don't tell him now. Get the book to him after you are done, and see if he can figure it out. But, that advice is coming from someone who blew it yesterday. I am back at square 1.
Thanks for the suggestions. I think you missed the part that I made him go to a C for his money issues. That is no longer a problem for us. Of course, I expect that there will be slips, but I hope they will few and far between and that he will have remorse/regret when they happen whereas he didn't in the past.
What my issue with H is that I had to force him to go to a C. I feel like I have to fight for anything and everything to get my wants/needs met. It's all emotional fights and I just don't have the energy to continue battling to get my needs met. I am tired of fighting. I just end up disappointed and hurt.
Your situation is very difficult because while you think of yourself as the WAW, you are the position of being the one actively working on the marriage. I think that questioning whether it's all worth it sound pretty normal. I often do my own questioning as well. I look at the changes I'm attempting to make in myself and while I feel good about it, it's not really appreciated by my WAW. Plus she's not working on our marriage at all and at this point isn't very attractive (in a more emotional sense) to me.
So have you made your goals for your relationship and looked for little signs that it's working out? What is it that you want your H to be doing differently that he's not doing right now? Does he say he wants to work on the marriage? If so, maybe you just need to spell out for him your needs in a different way. Focusing on what his actions will be and put in positive terms rather than negative ones (such as not saying "you'll be less critical of me. Rather, you'd say I want you to be more supportive of my opinion and say more compliments and such when deserved).
Michelle, it all sounds very complex because I'm not sure whether you and your H are on the same page at all. I'm not even sure from reading the thread whether you have gotten past resentment that he won't commit fully to this relationship. When he makes strides in the right direction maybe he just needs a compliment or praise (ie thanks for focusing on X). I don't know. I think you just need to experiment and see what works.
Hope some of that helps
Wes
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Quote: I just don't have the energy to continue battling to get my needs met. I am tired of fighting. I just end up disappointed and hurt.
Wow. That could have been lifted straight from my W. She says the same thing. I am tired, I am weary, I can't do this anymore. The difference is that I have woken up and am trying to provide what she needs, and she won't accept it.
If your H was to start changing tomorrow - do you think you would trust him? What do you think you'd need to see from him to make you feel safe and loved?
Thanks. I did not send him anything over the weekend. We are going out Saturday night to celebrate my b-day. I thought about telling him then I forgive him, but my feelings about the R have not changed. I am just not sure this is a good idea either. I will just wait and see how things go between us.
I know he is planning something really nice b/c when I am asked him how I should dress he told me "dressy". I am not really looking forward to it though. H is going overboard to take me somewhere extravegant and buy me a nice gift as a means to "impress" me. He is showing me love in the way he always does - he buys me things or takes me out to extravegant places.
Unlike most women, that is not what I want. I just want a quiet dinner with a few friends or family, talking and sharing. I am not a material girl in any way. It is the little things that touch my heart.
I was thinking about this over the weekend; maybe in college when we met I was impressed with the extravegant gifts, at first, b/c I hadn't really ever had anyone shower me w/ gifts the way he did. But then I grew up and realized that I didn't want or need those things. Instead, I wanted things that had meaning, not value. I am also a very conscious person, and I felt the extravegant gifts or places just added to our already hefty debt and created more financial problems.
Yes, I have told him this...in fact, I had him return the first engagement ring he bought me; telling him that it was too big; that I did not need anything that big. I told him the monthly payments were like a car payment. So he returned the ring and bought himself a new car! So much for my efforts to decrease the debt.
As I have said before, I feel like I am always battling. I try to do things to reduce our debt, to get the emotional attention I want/need, etc, but somehow H always finds a way to turn into something for himself and I just sit back while it happens not know what to do to change it.
Sometimes even when I know what I should do, I don't do it. Like making him return something he purchased or telling him no when he wants to spend. I love him and I want him to have things; so I will say no (for the financial aspect), but when he mentions it again and agian eventually, I agree b/c it's easier than continuing to be "mean" and telling him no. The same thing happnes when my need for touch and holding turns into s for him. Sometimes, I just want to be held. I will hug him or snuggle up next to him and the next thing I know he is all over me tearing my clothes off. When I say, I just wanted to be held he gets mad; and then I give in and give him s. He's happy and I am miserable; feeling like his needs are more important than mine.
I don't blame you on not wanting to be the one to always work on the R. That is hard work. Sounds like one of your goals should be to get him to start working on the R a little at a time. I don't know that actions to take to get him to realize and then begin doing. One of the things I am thinking of for the future if it works out, is a talking stick. We meet regularly to talk about our needs and if they are being met, and whoever holds the talking stick can talk openly, and the other has to listen with their heart open. I have all kinds of ideas for the future, don't know if I will be able to implement with my W.
I found out over the weekend, that I am controlling. If you could look at my thread at your leisure, and please advise from a WAW perspective. I think I see a little of that in your H as well. Just curious as to the best way to do things to help her financially with no strings attached, and to give her space and time and let her control. I don't know if there is more I need to work on as well. I really do feel like I am making progress on the anger and depression issues. Now I find out that I am a controller.
