Michelle, It must be the moon because you are the second newcomer this week I can really relate too. c I have been on this board 5 months, and I always hear the comment “ wow are sitches are so much a like” Although I have thought that before- you are the first person to post here were I think wow are we married to the same man. I am not really good with expressing myself on the board, I get too emotional when I am venting here and leave important stuff out.
Quote: My H was (yes, past tense) a compulsive spender; often spending without any regard for my well being. I was the one doing without so that he could have "things" (material things). He would hide, lie and deny his spending habits whenever I would confront him. He could and would lie to my face.
He would spend and I would figure out how to pay the bills. At one point, I would use one credit card to pay the minimum balance on another and often worried that we were at our limit. I took care of the finances, the house, the yard, etc. Occasionally, he would help, but for the most part I was on my own.
This word for word describes my H- Even though he was the WAS- Because I was too “controlling over money”. And this is one of the reasons I have not taken him back.
Quote: I haven't been asking/telling/reminding him of anything for the past 10 - 12 months. Mainly b/c it doesn't do any good and only frustrates me. Still no changes in his behavior.
I tried this too. Infact I was doing this when he left- Kind of a well if he does not care that the lawn is a foot high, then neither do I. I am SO SO SO tried of being my husband mother, I want to be his wife not his mother. It is frustrating as hell, I so understand. Not only that but if is very very stressful to be the only one being responsible. To be the only one worrying.
So what can you do! I wish I had the answers. My H is truly trying, and it is going to take a lot of growing up on his part and a lot of time. But He finally realizes that he needs to fix this, it is the only way to get me back. I do have a suggestion, to get your H to listen, it is probably bad advice, but it worked for me. But before I give you my advice I have a few questions. I am a little confused are you living together? How old is your H. I am also, going to get my H to read your thread- I think it will help him understand how I feel- and maybe he can give you some insight on your H actions. The one thing I have a really hard remembering/ understanding is how it can be so hard NOT TO SPEND MONEY. I have said to my H a 100 times, just do nt spend, he answers- I know it is hard. I don’t get it, but I am trying to understand.
Thanks for the response. I think that it would be a great idea to have your H read the posts that explain how you are feeling. Sometimes it's easier for someone close to us to hear something from someone they do not know personally. You know what I mean? Maybe when you try to explain how you feel to him; he gets defensive and doesn't really hear what you are telling him.
I have learned that my H had to learn to distinguish between a want and a need when it came to spending money. My H had to learn that when he had the urge to spend - he needed to step back and think to himself : Is this a need or a want? If it was a want; then how am I going to pay for it w/o setting me or us back financially? He has learned to control the impulse spending. I personally think that he liked the instant gratification from buying "things".
No, we are not living together. I moved into an apt June 1. H is 34. I believe my H got his money issues b/c his parents are well off and he never had to learn to budget or do without or even make choices between this or that. they always bought him everything he wanted.
I look forward to hearing your advice - good or bad. I will consider anything at this point.
You are right. Usually it is easier to have someone else get through to your S. I don't know why we don't listen to the opinions of the ones we love the most in the first place. That is why I have that as one of my goals, number 2. I will listen intently to my W's opinions.
Maybe one thing for your H that would help, IF you got back together, would be to have pay all the bills for a month or two just to see what you have to deal with. While he is doing that, you spend. Don't use the stuff, and keep the receipts to take it back if you want, but put the shoe on the other foot. Role reverse with him. My W role reversed on me, and it sure got my attention.
I am planning a speech at some point in the future. She says we are bad for each other. In arguments, she would follow me around to talk about it now. I would try to get away to cool down before saying stupid things. This would frustrate both of us. She being the pursuer and me being the flee-er. We would escalate to very ugly comments. "What would have happened if before it really started to escalate if I had turned around, gave her a hug, and told her how I feel about her (and not how I feel right that second ). How much better would we have been for each other? She says that people can't change. I went down a darker and darker path this last year. Isn't that a change. Why can't I come back from the darker path? If I break some bad habits and replace them with some good habits, isn't that me changing? I am not there yet, but I am working on it. She saved me from a very bad place. I have to thank her. I just wish the cost was not so high."
What do you think of that kind of speech Michelle? It is way too early for that, especially since she told me she is going on a ski trip, maybe, next month. I am still bummed about her going to Vegas. I think there is a remote chance she will invite me to Vegas. Very small, and unlikely, but it could happen. Also could happen that this S could be longer than I hoped, or could end in D. Thoughts?
First, I like what you are saying about changing the bad habits into good habits. It's a valid point, but I am not sure now is the right time to give her the speech. Have you had an argument w/ her where you hugged her and told her how you felt before it got really ugly? If not, I think she needs to see more of the good habits before you give her the speech.
As the WAW, I do not want you putting too much HOPE into her asking you to join the Vegas trip. If she is wanting a little distance and space to sort through her emotions; then she may use the trip as a means of "distance" literally. I wouldn't want to see you disappointed (and possibly depressed) as a result if she doesn't ask. I suggest that you plan on her not asking you to go; and then if she does you will be pleasantly surprised.
I agree that now is not the time to have that conversation. I was thinking that it was getting close until she told me about her ski trip. I have never had an argument with her where I would turn around and hug her and tell her I love her. That would be a major 180. There is no way that could happen right now because I am not in, that is why I would only be able to tell her about it.
I agree that she is probably not going to ask me to go with them to Vegas. It just crossed my mind during the conversation this morning. This is absolutely the hardest job I have ever taken on, and by far the most important. I pray every day for patience to get my W and family back. I wish W could be more like you Michelle. 5 times of leaving. It only takes one for me to want to change my life to be a better man, a better husband, and a better father. How do I get that through to her. Patience. It has only been one week.
Gene, I really do know what you are going through but you need back off and give you W some space. Make her wonder about your changes and what you are doing - she will I promise.
It took me a while to realize this. My W was gone for 2 months before she returned. I know she would have come back sooner if did not pursue her.
Just to give you a little perspective...it took your W a while to decide to leave and then to get the courage to tell you about that decision. Therfore, she will be very cautious to reverse that decision. She needs time. Time to miss you, time to heal, etc.
When I left the first time; I think it took me 2 -3 months before I was ready to come back. Hopefully, she will see the differences in you and your time apart will not be that long.
Question - In a conversation I had w/ H last weekend; he mentioned going out to the MAC website and checking out their new products. MAC is the make-up that I wear for those of you who are not familair w/ MAC. I keep thinking about this - if he has time to go surfing/shopping on the web; then why is he not searching for M saving websites, like this one?
I have a b-day coming up so he could have possibly been shopping for that reason. Why he has not tried finding ways to save the M, especially since he tells me that he just wants his W back and for us to be happy together?
Thanks for the perspectives on how long it may take. I have only been out for 1 week. I think that maybe after tomorrow, I might go dark a little. Become much less available for a few days. Don't answer the phone or emails.
As for your question. Your H may not know that those websites for saving a marriage exist. Until a friend lent me his DR book, I had no idea. I was just telling her that I am changing. I did not know that this place or these methods existed. There are others as well, but I was clueless. Do you have a mutual friend that you trust that could pass this info on to him? Not about this website of course, but maybe something like savemymarriage.com. Maybe a friend like this could be the one to pass DB or DR on to your H. Sometimes we do listen to others besides our spouses better.
). How much better would we have been for each other? She says that people can't change. I went down a darker and darker path this last year. Isn't that a change. Why can't I come back from the darker path? If I break some bad habits and replace them with some good habits, isn't that me changing? I am not there yet, but I am working on it. She saved me from a very bad place. I have to thank her. I just wish the cost was not so high."
