Hey Mooka, I decided to lurk today and I see this. OK, from an outsider looking in....First, give it a few days. I ALWAYS overreact when I blurt out my feelings without thoroughly thinking things thru. A day or 2 will give you more insite into how to proceed.
Looking on the positive side, it looks like your H was worried and frustrated and spoke before he thought it thru. You don't deserve to be spoken to like that, that is true but try to give him the benefit of the doubt if you can.
You have a great trip planned and I would want to do everything possible to make that trip FABULOUS!!
So, Can you talk to him or email him your feelings without him getting defensive? It's important for you to not bottle things up and it's important for him to not get defensive. Take the high road even if it means you have to apologize first. For the record you did nothing wrong.
Let me know how things go. What is your H's LL again? I'm like you, mine is now physical touch.
Something resonated with me when I read about the blow up. If you look at my thread, which has just been locked, you'll see that something similar happened with me. I was away for the weekend, and when I got D to call her Dad for a chat and the cell phone reception was bad, H asked for the phone to be passed to me and really let fly. He was obnoxious. I just calmly told him that I couldn't continue to be spoken to like that and disconnected. Didn't get back to him at all. Got D to call him the Sunday night when we returned home. I found two horrible emails waiting for me. I didn't respond to them. The next day, H calls and apologises for the way he behaved.
I'm not saying I wasn't upset, I was hopping mad, just didn't have a go at H in any way.
I have been thinking that I should be the same way with D too. She has a rudeness and attitude problem when dealing with me, intermittently. Each time it happens I get mad, lecture, shout, punish etc. I think next time I will just walk away and refuse to deal with whatever it is she is saying or wants. Just as simple as that. She might get the message faster or better. Clearly 'reacting' each time is not getting me anywhere. And as you say, (or was it Nik? ) when we open our mouths at these moments, we only pour petrol on the flames and say things we regret. My D feels justified in feeling angry at my return 'bad behaviour'. A dangerous tunnel!!
And really, this sort of outburst is SO much to do with THEIR frame of mind and not ours, why do we feel the need to react? We need to distance ourselves and quit taking it personally. Perhaps validate by saying, "Boy, you really are mad!", or saying absolutely nothing at all.
Hang in there! Buckets of validation about H's difficult work situation should also get him feeling as if you are on his side.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Mooka - H was that desperate to talk to you that he called 4 times and had a tantrum about it, and you respond by being even more distant? What would have happened if you'd responded instead "oh, poor baby, I missed you too!!! Darn that cell phone! Give me a kiss!"
Sounds to me like he's stressed at work and just really needed to see you, and felt rejected when you didn't answer the phone - and now probably feels more rejected.
I do need your feedback so very much. Thank you Thank you Thank you !!!
One of my main problems is being defensive....and taking things personally. Sooooo your thoughts, outside perspectives, and reminders that maybe he did miss me....have settled in my heart. H was a bit more pleasant last night after work....he had a fairly good day. Time and doing nothing is a good approach for me when in doubt.
I mentioned that when the pressure was off this week, perhaps we could have some quality time to talk when we weren't dealing with a heated issue. That with all the company, his work pressures, and me being gone for 4 days...we were kind of out of sinc. He was fine with that. Gave me a peck on the cheek and went off to work. No physical contact other than that.
Nik my H's LL is quality time/discussion.....so I've got to make that a priority and fill up his love bank. Mine is feeling low, so I've got to dig deep.
Thanks for your insights.....already feeling much better.
My 2nd LL is quality time. I wish I was M to someone with the quality time as a LL. For my WAS quality time was dead last. It would do wonders to just suggest doing something with your H then. A movie? dinner? show? Something to look forward to is very important.
I totally agree about just waiting and not doing or saying anything when in doubt. Good for you!
Just a bit of an update.....on a more positive note.
H came home last night....and was much more chatty...friendly (tho not actually warm and cozy). But non-the-less kind and appreciative of dinner, etc. Then this morning, while he was on the tread and I was drinking my coffee....he asked if I wanted to talk some. I said, yes.....
Long story short....we both talked about the airport pick-up incident...our separate perspectives...frustrations, etc. Then I suggested that we talk more regualarily about "us" and our R, when there isn't an issue or problem to resolve....to communicate better....so we don't slip into old habits. He agreed....said he realizes we both fall into taking each other for granted, make assumptions, and get off track. Anyway....overall...I listened, validated....let him go on and on about his work pressures...he acknowledged my pressures at home, work, family....and we both agreed to try to put ourselves in each other's shoes more often. It was good. Then just before he left for work, I mentioned the book LOve Languages.....I'd never told him about it. He kind of rolled his eyes....but after hearing my brief summary of the book and analyzing his and my LL...he came over and gave me a big bear hug (mine is physicl touch)....and I joked and said.....I won't be crabby and I'll be more giving....if I get fed with this more often. It fills me up. He smiled and kissed me. So, in a way...it was good input...but I lightened it up, so he could hear it.
Thanks for letting me go here and all your supportive feedback.....I know this BB gives me guidance to think more clearly and get on track...when I start slip-sliding.
That is so great that NOW your H knows your LL. He definately seemed to respond well to you telling him your needs. I think that is a HUGE step in the right direction.
I can see so often how we love others in OUR LL not theirs until we read the book or like you did gave your H a good summary!
) when we open our mouths at these moments, we only pour petrol on the flames and say things we regret. My D feels justified in feeling angry at my return 'bad behaviour'. A dangerous tunnel!! 
