Anytime! ... and right back ach ya for the kind words.
Quote: Well I got what I wanted to hear...in his words. He then asked me if I was satisfied....and discussed how I could have brought this whole thing up w/o putting H on the defensive. I accepted his point of view....and inside was feeling really good.
Quote: That we are now focused on each other and making our R the main priority and communicating ...
I don't know what you said that "pressured" him into having a talk with son, but I would think a safe approach would have been to validate his point on the importance of communicating being a high priority in not only the R between you two, but to expand those lines with your kids and everyone else you hold dear.
In valuing his views so, while stating your's that he should talk to son should avoid putting him on the defensive.
From his words, he's taking the "textbook" steps back to M and your approach with the ILY's is on the mark. By the approach he is taking, he's working on figuring out what the definition of love is. Then it'll hit him that your R meets all the requirements of that definition. That's not only when you will hear the words but also feel the significance behind them. Just a little further down the road ... can't say how much further ... but its definately on his map!
Quote: I don't know what you said that "pressured" him into having a talk with son, but I would think a safe approach would have been to validate his point on the importance of communicating being a high priority in not only the R between you two, but to expand those lines with your kids and everyone else you hold dear.
In valuing his views so, while stating your's that he should talk to son should avoid putting him on the defensive.
From his words, he's taking the "textbook" steps back to M and your approach with the ILY's is on the mark. By the approach he is taking, he's working on figuring out what the definition of love is. Then it'll hit him that your R meets all the requirements of that definition. That's not only when you will hear the words but also feel the significance behind them. Just a little further down the road ... can't say how much further ... but its definately on his map!
Reading your more objective responce really is reassuring. Thanks
BTW, yesterday he was a little on the edge before leaving for work. He was pleasant, but not as warm as usual. Then after work, I was light...shared bits of my day that made him laugh....he warmed right up. In fact....he mentioned that he's now cancelled his phone and TV cable at the apt....I said..."Wow that's a sign of a true committment!" He laughed and said..."you're right it really is!"
We had a really nice evening....the air is cleared and we're continueing on the forward track.
Hi Mooka - Just scrolling through threads here looking for helpful hints from folks who have spouses moving back - so glad things are going well for you.
Mooka....just been kinda scanning the bbb's lately..but I remember yours...wow......things are great..don't know if you remember mine or not, I am the one who is only about 30 miles from you..h and I were s for almost 2 yrs, now HAPPILY back..oh well, if you are interested check in on my posts between Feb and May..
I know the patience thing, and have been offering it to others here..in the beginning I wanted things to move quick..now know that it does not work like that. I too have found great comfort in God and all that he does for us. Like you I believe He was the main intervention in my m.
As far as the "talk" with your h, my h came clean and we discussed everything right up front..and for many weeks though, I had to keep asking little things that bothered me about "her"..he was more than willing to talk..but i will say just the other night(funny..our d moved into his apt..cause of lease thing, ) but the ow called to his apt, and left message about getting her bowling ball out of the locker(they were on a team together)blah..blah blah and how were he and I doi..well of course I said are you going to call her..he was ok with the question, but looked at me funny and said "sometime"..then I kept pushing about giving her the key..he said he would..but the funny thing was at 2 the next morning his cell phone rang(anyone who knows my story knows there many late night calls)..well it woke me right up, as it plays some weird music..and h was sleeping downstairs on couch(not all the time!!, but he gets restless legs..hot upstairs, and goes downstairs)and I crept down..he was awake, but did not wake up till the last ring..of course guess who I thought it was..figured "her" new bf had dumped her, and now she wants h again..anyway..he got up and looked at number, but it was some strange area code, with no name..so i went back to bed..could not sleep for a long time..next day asked him if he knew why I cam down..he said he assumed because I thought it was her..I said if she were to start that again would he tell me..he said he" guessed he should"..and then said and "I would have to tell her to stop"..so I felt better after the "guessed he should" of course he should. I have stolen your post..sorry..just wanted to let you know that the "talk" really does clear the air, and allows total healing..but, again, do it in h time...my h told me he had a "god" moment..he was laid off from work in Jan..works at our church part time with finances..but that thet time off made him really think about what he had done..a stupid thing, that had hurt me..he had asked God for forgiveness and me...and I have truly given it to him...
So keep your faith..patience...strength, as you have well learned, all good things come in their own time.
So nice to hear from you...Slowly, Deb and Sue. It feels good to have you folks check in from time to time. Sometimes I feel like I am journalling to myself...but that helps here on the BB as well.
Went to Seattle last week to help our d move. She is moving back with us and looking for a real job...just graduated last week! Yeah team! She is on a trip for 2 weeks then will arrive here.
H and I are doing well. He planned work travel to Seattle part of the time I was there....so I stayed with him at the nice hotel. We are doing well. Some limited R talks...not too much. Like Sue said....keep up the patience and let it come in time....on H time. That's what my C emphasized as well. There are absolutely NO indications of OW....that really helps my attitude. H has totally moved out of the apt....we re-arranged the furniture in our home...with his added new purchases. He bought things that go with our current stuff....even at the beginnings of his move out. (INteresting )
WE leave for a 2 week trip next Tue....will be out of touch on the BB after the 31st. I will check on some of you now....anxious to catch up.
I've been reading over here and am really impressed with how things are progressing for you. Patience is key because action-wise, your H is doing the most critically important things, he's just doing them slowly...
Keep doing what is working... cause it sure is working. And keep listening to KAW... boy is that ever good advice and perspective!
You are such an inspiration. I am so glad to hear that xOW is not an issue. Let go and let God! I so need to remind myself of that. Have a wonderful time with your new improved hubby. Your patience is working KEEP it up! Nik
I so appreciate all the continued support. Thanks so much!! I really should rename this post to "Moving into 3rd gear"....cuz that's where I'd say we are headed.
I just posted to Nik and stated, that I often get myself into neg thinking and it really is something I HAVE to work on daily. H travels a lot for work...but calls a lot, changes his schedule to spend an extra day home with me...all the behavior is there. Not too many significant words yet. No ILY's, no I miss you...etc....oh well. My C reminded me not to let myself worry about that yet....it will come. Also no big apologies yet...just read a great article in Oprah's mag about apologizing.....again that PATIENCE thing is working....so I'll hang tough.
We are having fun, he has moved all his stuff back home....is planning Thanksgiving and X-mas with family...is planning our big vac next week. We are ML regularily and that is going oh-so well.
So even with all the pos in my life and R....we all slide into neg stuff...and replay history. This process really takes time. I keep asking God to send the strength and see me through and keep on His track for me. He is doing it....in my life and others.
just wanted to ramble some. I will check in before I leave with H on Tue for our vac. Can't wait! Mooka
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... and those very words are creating lotsa smiles too! 