Grief and Gratitude, Grok

[grok]

You don't control it right now, but it seems to me the advice around here is that the LBS does control the relationship in the end.
And if you haven't gotton to that point yet then it is not the end.

- True - *reset thought process*

short post

I think.

So much value here seems to be in re-setting thought processes.
Beginners mind.
Delete "always" "never" "but" etc.
and on.

Short posts - that me!!

dunno...run across some things in archive...


Aside -
Is trauma trigger -> MLC -> WAS more common than I thought? This is unsettling. I was at a <scout like troop> activity for S12 over the weekend. The father whose home was hosting the event and I talked for a bit. Over the last 2 years his W was in an accident -> just turned 40 -> decided she had missed out on college crazy years -> left solid middle class life to live in public housing and have s*x at as many college parties as she can.

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[Catman19]

This is a lot more common than we think. Between tik tok, instagram, media, it almost feels like breakingbof the nuclear family is being pushed on everyone. And with women they tend to air their grievances with their female friends and as the critical mass of women leaving good marriages grows, single, divorced and unfaithful women are pushing each other to do the same. Either to live in shared misery and to have company or to give them entertainment and drama to talk about amongst each other. I think the difference with men is we tend to gravitate to other family oriented male friends who encourage us to work on our marriages, and that's if we even talk to them about our married life. I find most men keep their home life private even from their friends out of respect for their spouses. Women tend to be the opposite they feed off each other's grievances and tell each other to break things rather than fix them. Older women like mothers and successfully married women when giving advice tend to be seen as old fashioned and submissive. Mine said she didn't want our marriage to be like her parents or my parents and that their marriages were too traditional. So they seek advice from social media and friends who are living broken lives. The prevalence of dating apps and Instagram gives women the false illusion that guys who are dming th3m or trying to hook up on dating apps are viable mates and partners. So they go feet first thinking they can do better but then will soon realize the men on dating apps and Instagram just want to use them.

It's quite sad really to see all of this in play. But remember something you have all the power. In the dating market, older, more traditional men are seen as a much bigger prize by younger women who want serious relationships and the women being tricked into thinking they can do better in their 40s are in for a rude awakening. And if they ever do realize they messed up instead of admitting and showing regret and remorse they will carry bitter resentment to their exes instead of doing the hard work of self reflecting and doing the inner work to seek happiness from within

[Mach1]

- What is a M? What are vows?

I rolled this around for a while. I can only hold me accountable for my own. I think what resonated with me was the notion that M is a covenant created by God. We joined it together. Break with God at your peril. Answer to Him for your part.

WW, "But G, you didn't Cherish ME!" What?! I have ALWAYS FELT that way. W used words that didn't translate well to my thought process. Eventually translated - "you didn't say and do things in my language that I would feel cherished by." The notion of her pain and unhappiness, thinking she was not cherrished was more painful than an OM, who is just a symptom. W has had a tendancy since the begining to assume the worst interpretations and roll around in unhappy feelings without telling me.

- "for better or worse," What does this mean to me in this mess?

Jack would have been a fan of you though....

Encouraging you to burn every ounce of fuel to outlast her MLC, to find a way through this while causing minimal damage. To find one more day within yourself. He would ask if she was worth it, the waiting for her to figure herself out before a bell was rung that could not be un-rung..

This is definitionally "worse." When I took four years to say "I Do," I kept working through all the "worse" situations I could think of and testing myself. I still did not imagine this one. For me this mess is an "outside context problem." See Ian Banks novels where the term originates or just google.

Going in I had NO frame of reference to deal with any of this. No doubt a pile of failure on my part by not growing my relationship skills and understanding over the years. I had thought W is certainly more skilled at this than me so I will leave it to her. A faulty way of thinking. Abdicating my responsibilities for my end.

That's a good question...

Seems fairly simple, yet it's quite complex to answer....

What do one's vows mean to them ??

Most people mean them at first, and then they change somewhere along the line.

The "better" seems easy....

The "worse" seems to be lightyears away...

Same with richer, poorer, sickness, health....

Some people will go through life without ever finding out whether or not they believe them all...

And others will find out when they are up against them....

What I've learned is...

I've been divorced for 14 years now...

And my vows have nothing to do with her....

They are MY core...and I still live them...


So throwing everything else aside...(her, God, Bigfoot, the Pope)


What do they mean to you ?

How do you live each of those in your daily life ???

I keep thinking I'll make short posts. I keep failing. And these are a fraction of the things I connect each day. The inside joke - I say I'm a simple man. Things often appear simple to me and each thing logically flows from the others. The family rolls their eyes..."G, you are the most complex simple man alive."

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Since we started with a conversation about Jack3Beans....

When I first came here, the firewall at my work kept me from posting...

So I read everything that I could find.

After a few months, Jack posted his email address and that anyone that wanted to reach him could do so there.

So I reached out, with him not knowing who I was at all....

My email became my DB board.

I would journal these incredibly verbose emails, sometimes 3-4 a day. and wait for him to respond.

No matter how many I sent, I would get back one a day....

And somehow, what he would send back was often a 5-10 word response, that would summarize everything that I sent him....

Not sure how he did that. At the time, it was frustrating as hel!, yet looking back, it is what I smile the most about in our friendship....

[Mach1]

Delete "always" "never" "but"

"But" is the excuse to not do better...

"Always" and "Never" are the words that make us hypocrites...

[grok]

Intro to the day meditations

Opened a "Strength" devotional book the children gave me as a present. Random page.

Patience

Warn those who are lazy
Encourage those who are timid
Take tender care of those who are weak
Be patient with everyone.
1 Thess 5:14

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.
Eph 4:2

and several more.

Get into car for commute to work after I baked can of cinnamon rolls for S12's breakfast request. Departing while they are all sleeping still. Spotify plays...

U2 - "40"
(adapting Psalms 40)

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He lifts me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long, how long, how long
How long to sing this song?

On my wrist is a band D19 gave me - H. W. L. F.
(the answer to WWJD)
It has been there for almost a year. A token yes. Also to remind me in all my interactions.

g

[Mach1]

Spotify plays...

U2 - "40"
(adapting Psalms 40)

I waited patiently for the Lord
He inclined and heard my cry
He lifts me up out of the pit
Out of the miry clay

I will sing, sing a new song
I will sing, sing a new song

How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long, how long, how long
How long to sing this song?

I love that song..... ^^^

When I was in my heat of the battle...

I heard this more times than I could count....adapted from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

And every time that I heard it, it seemed to come at just the right time, and allowed me to step outside of myself and realize that there is a greater power controlling all of this.

And the only thing or person I could control was myself and my responses to the schidt storm around me...

To everything turn, turn, turn
There is a season turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under Heaven

A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything turn, turn, turn
There is a season turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under Heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything turn, turn, turn
There is a season turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything turn, turn, turn
There is a season turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rain, a time of sow
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Coincidence certainly is God's way of staying anonymous...

[Whatlee]

Although I hate your going through this situation, I love reading your story. It's written like a book, it helps me take my mind off of my situation at the same time it also has very helpful tips. Praying for you and your kids.

[Catman19]

Yeah I agree with whatlee, very succinct and heartfelt posts. Some of us are better wordsmiths than others. That's the beauty of language and music. Sometimes the right word at the right time has a way of revealing intense and thoughtful feelings and emotions. When the skies are dark and cloudy all that we can do is for a break in the clouds and have a light shine on our lives and make us feel important and alive again.
Whether it be faith or spiritual awakening, our souls need nourishment more than our bodies need food, we seem to neglect this need more often than not.

[grok]

Although I hate your going through this situation, I love reading your story. It's written like a book, it helps me take my mind off of my situation at the same time it also has very helpful tips. Praying for you and your kids.

Thank you Whatlee for stoping by my thread. And thank you for the prayers. There are never enough. Gratitude. Please add my W to your prayers as much as me and the children, for as much as I am a damaged and stricken soul, so is she. Just in a different way. .

And the writing, well, it is a bit of how I think and feel, it is a bit of how I process, it is.to…express the intangibles…the subtle parts that won’t come through by dry facts or spewed emotions. Others may be able to SEE better the ME in the here and now, offer or gain help perhaps. As much as I gain…I hope others can read and gain as I have from others before me. Even when I can’t quite see it while in the middle.

A short story for you

Those little moments of Grief and Gratitude.

I got my hair and beard trimmed last week. I chose a barber shop this last year for the quirk that the nieces of the original barber took over after he died. These ladies have done a good job for me so I go back and tell them bits of my story as shop gossip. The lady this time, when hearing about how hormonal changes my be a contributing factor for my W and how they have affected other women I've asked about it, said, “Yeah, I’ve sometimes thought that I might just stay single now, so I never put someone I love though that.” What a sad thought. Grief.

As a GAL activity, I’ve been bike riding once a month with Critical Mass in the city. I now know Peter, Carl, Delores, and Alex. It’s in many cities, google it. On the last Friday of each month all comers are welcome for a ride though the city at night. About 12 miles at 10 miles / hour. As few as 30 people and sometimes more than 100! Last Friday I asked D19 if she wanted to go this time and got a yes. Ooooo have to hustle to get both bikes fastened, drive, unload, ride to the start gathering. We had a good time though she kept complaining about her legs. We got red and blue slushies on the way home at bed time. Gratitude

The kids had been asking that we go back to the beach soon. D19 wanted to go to a nice one about 1 hour and 20 minutes south of us. I said OK, but you all need to be ready on Saturday afternoon when S12 and I get back from his <scout like troop> activity. When I got home though, D19 was crying. “Daaaaadddd, my legs hurt. I can’t walk or stand even. They are cramping inside! I wanted to walk through the shops at the beach. I don't think I want to go.” Oof. Let me practice my absorbing waves of emotion skills. By the time I had packed all the stuff, and shown all the snacks I got for the trip, her desire to go was stronger than perceived leg pains. Besides, she wanted to be in charge of the music. Laughter and we sing to 1980s songs on the way. Gratitude.

After a successful time at the beach. And egging S12 to try and catch a fish swimming around us in the ocean. D19 took us to some local shops. Then got everyone an ice cream cone. And then before leaving took us to a pizza shop she knew of and bought us a pizza. What a wonderful gift. Me….after each stop… I noticed. 1, 2, 3, 4 of us. But. We are supposed to be 5. FIVE. 5. GRIEF.

Tears as I write this. The sense of wrongness tears at me.

“Let’s go home children, it is getting late.”
D17, “Daddy, what’s wrong?”
“I’m tired D17, and my eyes hurt from all the beach time salt and sun.”

~Afterward~

Sunday, I roused myself, did some breakfast things, dishes, and a load of laundry started. A little later roused all and made it to church. S12 to the young folks. D19 and D17 were on their once a month volunteer nursery duty. Five little ones to take care of that day. Me… off to patrol the church grounds every 20 minutes as head of the new “Safety Team.” Can't call it security...lawyers.

In my self-examination I listened to W’s previous complaints of not being more a part of the bigger whole. Participation. I have an intellectual bent and can happily contemplate all the meanings, translations, commentaries of the lessons without talking to a soul. So this year I asked the pastor where he could use help. A 180 I guess? He said they needed someone to head up a “safety team.” Someone who would be responsible for general safety and keeping a watch outward looking while every one else is inward looking. It’s not in my comfort zone, though I have not a doubt I can do it. I’ve rarely found anything I don’t think I could do. It is a matter of trade offs to me. Five volunteer men and me. We’re figuring it out. Gratitude

After, we went out to eat for lunch. W sent D19 some money for lunch. Apparently she meant to take the kids for lunch but something about misjudged the time and couldn’t make it. I paid the overage and told the kids to thank their mother for lunch. W seems to be missing many things because of last minute … reasons.

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[grok]

BloonsTD. Fun stuff! I do like tower defence games.

Worked off-site today in our university associated lab with low light capable cameras, so was able to come home a little earlier. Checked house cameras. Appears W was there for 3 minutes this afternoon to pick up D17 for gymnastics. D19 is at work. S12 and me

BloonsTD6 - Dark Castle map - Hard Difficulty - Chimps mode

S12 and I made it to round 98 of 100. Sigh. So close after many attempts and strategies.

Now what to do to get him outside? pondering.

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