One of my favorite pieces of advice for success, and it comes from Yoda!
I remember being twelve years old when the first Star Wars movie came out. I was the perfect, impressionable age for that story. And I remember seeing it for the first time and being immediately hooked. As in the first five minutes. It turned my adolescent world upside down.
A few years later, my fifteen year-old self heard Yoda say those words, and they struck me like a lightning bolt. Little did I know how important they would be at some of the most challenging times of my life. I keep recalling them over and over. I have come through other major challenges when I stopped trying and started doing.
The loss of my parents. The time and sacrifice spent earning a doctorate. Needing to leave a job I had great hopes for and start building my future all over again. I came through all of these and not only survived, but thrived.
And I will do it again.
And so will you, aphexx. I know the wounds are fresh. They sting. Mine stung too, horribly. Now, after almost a year of self-reflection and work, I am seeing the path forward. It is there. You will find yours as well. Keep posting and striving.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
just looking for others that are going through divorce or recently divorced. mine will be final in 30 days. just wanting to hear how others are doing. feeling alone with this right now.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/21/2401:41 PM. Reason: Merged threads.
I made a new post and i wanted to include it here in case people only read or follow this original post.
(Merged posts into original thread. - DnJ)
I've read all the info on what im feeling and I know its a terrible idea but I feel like im on a icy hill and as hard as im fighting these feelings i feel like im sliding into contacting my wife to change her mind. stupid I know! I can almost guarantee she would reject me which would cause me more pain. I feel weak for even thinking this. my wife called me yesterday about how i would start our lawn mower thats old and hard to start for the first time of the season. she and her son couldnt get it going. I wanted to tell her its not my problem anymore but i told her what i would do but that didnt work for them. she complained that she broke a nail and it was bleeding trying to start it.
It was my wifes daughters birthday party that my daughter couldnt go to like she has for the past 5 yrs. My stepdaughter would invite a few friends over and it would be a lot of games and a sleepover. I felt sad for my daughter who missed it.
I did another stupid thing by looking at a years worth of texting between me and my wife. I think i was looking for clues to when things went south and also to feel her words again when we were happy and loving to each other. no one saw this divorce coming and she was texting me right up to the day before she said she was divorcing me. writing this now i feel that those were just words and not true actions of love, i guess.
maybe im wanting to get rejected by her so i can see her true self again. none of her actions make sense no one can understand why she is divorcing me and how she is doing it so quick and easy. i feel like me and my daughter were thrown away like trash. my councilor gave me some encouragement that im the one acting normal and my wife is the one acting strangely. my councilor cant make sense of my wifes actions either. How my wife could say that we were fine and even have sex with me 2 days before she dropped the bomb on me makes no sense. its like she snapped her fingers and changed into someone else. I miss our family and i miss her, the her i fell in love with not the cruel monster that she turned into. I believed in us 100% and i trusted her 100% when she told me over and over again that we would grow old together.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/21/2401:47 PM. Reason: Merge threads.
Utilize the 24-48 hour rule for communication with STBXW.
Give yourself 24-48 hours before responding to her. This allows your emotions to settle and for you to respond more from rational logic and reason rather than stirred up feelings.
That is, if you respond.
24-48 hours, also gives you time to think and decide if you need to, or should, respond.
Remember, time and space. Give her what she asked for. What she demanded.
Time and space, allows her other feelings and life’s struggles to affect her. Other feelings which are more productive to a possible reconciliation.
Of course, the big reason for this strategy and path is you. You are the most important person in this equation. Give yourself 24-48 hours - because you deserve it! You deserve and are worthy of rational logical thoughtful forward movement. Do not deny yourself this.
Going down memory lane is very common. Minutes quickly turn into hours whilst looking at old photographs or reading old love letter/emails/texts. It is easy to get lost wandering down memory lane.
Most times, especially in the beginning, stop! Picture that big reg stop sign! Do something else! Go for a run, a walk, hit a punching bag, mow the grass, wash the windows, etc.
Focus on you. Get a life. Live your life. Love your life. (I know, crazy hard right now. You will get there.)
W’s problems with starting her lawn mower are not your’s to fix. She fired you as husband.
Also, she is keeping you attached. Sitting on a shelf. And she might not even realize or recognize she is doing so. 24-48 hours helps with that too. You aren’t Plan B. You are the prize. Live like it!
Some direct advice/suggestions: Do not contact her in an attempt to change her mind. She has to come to that herself.
Your need/idea of getting rejected again, to see her again, that angry emotional person again - little good will come from that.
aph, you are figuring this out. Rationalizing what has happened and W’s behaviours. That is a daunting and difficult task when one’s spouse has/is behaving non-rationally and driven by emotions. Your efforts towards rationalizing is healthy forward progress.
Intellectual understanding leads to compassion and emotional understanding. Which leads to acceptance and forgiveness.
A big component that goes along with all that is your inner work. Compassionate, kind, cordial, detached, GAL, focused on you and what you can control, and so on - all goes hand in hand with rationalizing one’s situation. Know thyself is first and foremost. And truth be told, is what rationalizing and understanding one’s situation is really about. Understanding thyself.
24-48 hours. Give yourself that gift. Allow yourself to respond if you choose to, rather than react.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
I believed in us 100% and i trusted her 100% when she told me over and over again that we would grow old together.
I understand and empathize.
Betrayal is a horrible thing. One of, if not the worst thing one can do to another person.
Betrayal cuts deep. Really deep.
Dig deeper aph. Dig deeper than your pain. Find you. Find your strength and convictions.
Stay strong buddy.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I wanted to tell her its not my problem anymore but i told her what i would do but that didnt work for them. she complained that she broke a nail and it was bleeding trying to start it.
A new behavior that I added to my interactions with women after my divorce:
My lady asked me today: "Can you move my car so it is facing out?" My response was: "Yes, would you mind moving my laundry from the washer to the dryer?"
Typically a yes for a yes.
It started with:
If a woman asks if you will buy her a drink, an enthusiastic "YES, after you buy me one! with a wink."
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Some direct advice/suggestions: Do not contact her in an attempt to change her mind. She has to come to that herself.
Your need/idea of getting rejected again, to see her again, that angry emotional person again - little good will come from that.
aph, you are figuring this out. Rationalizing what has happened and W’s behaviours. That is a daunting and difficult task when one’s spouse has/is behaving non-rationally and driven by emotions. Your efforts towards rationalizing is healthy forward progress.
great advice. my wanting to contact her has subsided as i know it would lead to more pain.
I just registered so that I can join this community that I've benefited so much from over the last 2 months. My initial bomb drop was Feb 2023 and after 6 seemingly good (normal) months, a second bomb drop came in Sept 2023. This one was most serious and he couldn't be in the same room with me. Couldn't look at me. Wanted a divorce. My husband bought a house and moved out just before the holidays.
I did all the 'wrong' things (begging, pleading, angry outbursts, etc.) until I learned about existential crisis and midlife crisis ... or at least to the level/detail I've been reading about it since Feb 2024. It hurts - still! The heartache is pain that takes the breath away, that doesn't seem to clear easily, brings on legitimate panic attacks.
He asked for space and that was exactly what he needed. It's not what I wanted and it was a hard gift to grant him because I craved him, his attention, his voice, his embrace, joint dinners... But, with God's help, I have given his space and left him with God to guide. Neither one of us understood why he needed space but I can tell you in hindsight that we've both matured - it's emotional maturity that we observe in each other. Neither one of us is the same person we were a year ago.
In the midst of all this, I learned I had cancer in November. Somehow I no longer had germs that he avoided like the plague, but I was still not someone he could live with. Oddly, he was interested in taking me to cancer appts/surgery/treatments that continue still. The appts are frequent enough that we're able to keep a pulse on each other and sometimes we enjoy a meal together before he drops me off at 'our' home. And then he goes radio silent until the next appt. Before I read about crisis behavior, I would text or call in between doctor's visits but he would ghost me. Now I don't reach out because he's escaping and avoiding me - and I'm reminded that he asked for space.
Don't give up on your spouse is my advice to you. It's a long and hard road to travel, but only you know if your relationship is worth waiting for. Their confusion and fears tend to trickle into our lives, but only if we let them. We aren't confused as people but we are confused by their actions. Take the time to enjoy your daughter (yes, I know it's hard) and do the things that you haven't found the time to enjoy (yes, also hard to do when you want to return to the life you've enjoyed). Underneath that mask and monster is the same person you learned to love. If you believe in God, return to your faith and deepen your beliefs. I'll pray for you tonight.
