Hello all. First off, thanks for taking the time to read this. I stumbled upon this website last weekend and was motivated to tell my story. I don’t expect anyone to have magic insights for me but I want to share what I am going through because it is therapeutic for me and I hope that my story- and whatever ending it has- is helpful to someone else who may read it down the line. Anyways, here goes.
I am a male, 37 y.o., I’ve been married to my wife (female, 41 y.o.) for about 4.5 years. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life, since I was a teenager. I’ve had good times and bad times throughout this time. I am thankful that the depression has rarely been wholly debilitating and I am reasonably successful in my career and social life. However, my relationship with my wife has deteriorated in the past few years. About 6 or so weeks ago, my W said she was ‘done’ and wanted a divorce. There wasn’t any bombshell event that triggered her to say this but rather a slow deterioration of our relationship due to our bad communication and my ongoing battle with depression that made me act in incredibly insensitive ways, see below. Instead of confiding in her, I treated her as an enemy and pushed her away. To my knowledge there is no affair but I can’t prove that. We tried couples counseling last year and a bit earlier this year but it didn’t provide any lasting help. I did not get along with our counselor and I felt like I was getting teamed up on.
Up front, I want to admit that the cause for the divorce is mostly my fault. My mood in the last four years has gotten worse and worse. I’ve struggled for decades with finding meaning and joy in life but have not been able to find anything that gives me personal meaning or any lasting satisfaction. My frustration and sadness at my feelings manifested as me treating my W very poorly at times. I have often come home from work withdrawn, grumpy and angry. I have been emotionally and verbally abusive to her over the years, which got much worse after we got married in 2019 and during COVID. During 2019-2022 we were also trying to get pregnant with no success until 2022 after four cycles of IVF. It was a miracle that it worked. Our son was born in 2022 and he is now 16 m.o. After our son was born, and during the pregnancy, my behavior became worse as I began to dread the changes and challenges that come with having children. I retreated inside myself and distanced myself from my W out of fear. During the pregnancy and after, I said many incredibly hurtful things to my W: about her, about our unborn son, about our relationship, about her values. To be fair, I was also an [censored] at times before this, even during our honeymoon back in 2019. These moments drove her farther and farther away from me as she stopped trusting me. What was most hurtful was when I said mean things about our newborn son: how I wished he was 18 and out of the house, how I didn’t want him, regretted having him, how I wanted us to get divorced as soon as he turned 18. She loves our son more than anything. I was out of my mind to say these things during these incredibly sensitive and important times for her. Prior to these events, we would get into fights, usually owing to my anger and frustration at my own sadness and depression and how ‘unfair’ it was that I felt this way. I would bottle up my anger until it exploded and I took it out on her by saying awful things. We would usually mend after these moments and I would apologize but, the cuts added up and she stopped trusting me and distanced herself. The cycle would repeat. She came to expect the inevitable explosion and shallow reconciliation that followed. She told me repeatedly how much these words hurt her but I never changed. I never wanted to admit I had a problem. At times I romanticized my depression. I see now that I have a sickness.
When W said she wanted the divorce in Feb this year, I crumbled. I begged her, cried, told her I could finally change. Not exactly model DB’ing. In the end she relented and said she asked angrily “do you really think you can change?” and that she would hold off for a few months but she also said “things would have to look REALLY different”. We agreed to keep living together and still are. We’ve been sleeping in separate beds for two years now after she moved to the couch due to back pain during the pregnancy. That part is not any different, really. We have not had sex in 1.5 years which has been really hard for me. I'm incredibly attracted to her. Since she mentioned the divorce, I have been all over the place emotionally. I feel that, when she said the D word, I hit rock bottom and it opened my eyes to how bad we, and I, had truly gotten. How my ways of thinking, feeling, and sharing emotions had gotten corrupted and embittered. I am trying to make changes and she, for better or worse, knows this. Maybe I tell her too much. But I think she needs to know I am working on the things she has taken issue with for years. I try when I can to “show” rather than “tell”, but I have had many moments of weakness where I cried in front of her and shared with her how hard this has all been, how hard the last years have been, how sorry I am, and how her saying she wanted a divorce opened my eyes.
I have talked with her and have a better idea of where she is at. A week after she said D, I was in a weak place and told her “if you truly want this divorce we can move forward with it, I won’t try to change your mind”. At that time, she said “I need to think about this” and “I need to consider our son”. More clarity has since come- she has told me since that day that, for the first time, she sees me actually trying to make changes. She also said the reasons she is still here is because of our son and because she sees that my behavior came from the depression. She said if that was really me, she would be gone. She also said that she is afraid of leaving me with him when I am in one of my moods and the thought of us sharing custody (even though that's what she wants) breaks her because she would not be able to be around him all the time. For myself, I am now seeing new counselors and trying a new treatment for the medication-resistant depression called TMS. I am being more open with my emotions, crying (too) often and sharing how I am feeling with her, something I did not do these last four years except when I was angry. I think this 'oversharing' (?) goes against the DB techniques, but I am deeply insecure and scared. I try to fight having fear be my prime motivator but it feels near-impossible at times. I am trying, through this depression, to GAL and re-develop healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music. Unfortunately, none of my close friends are nearby and they all live in other states which makes me feel quite alone and makes it hard to go out.
I feel that things on the surface look better between us since before the day she said D: we talk more openly and we do things together as time permits after our son goes to sleep. We have fun at dinner and have generally positive interactions. She is playful with me and we smile and joke with one another. But below, we are both exhausted to the core from our emotional state and taking care of an energetic toddler. We are both confused, hurt, and lost about the situation. What scares me is that she has not committed to reconciling or to stay with me. She and I want to see how the depression treatment works. I think she is testing me, seeing if I can really change. She has said what she wants more than anything is to have a whole family but it may be too late, regardless. She may be unable to forgive my past behavior. She has a great career, is surrounded by her family and friends who are nearby. I have very little family left and my friends are far away. I have much more to lose here. She has no monetary reason to stay with me. I try not to dwell on these things.
I find it hard to use the techniques on this site: to move forward confidently as if things will be ok with or without her. I love her. I miss her. And I dread the thought of being without her as my partner for the rest of my life. That my son won’t ever know a whole family. I know that I need to work on myself for my own sake and for my son’s sake so that I can be a good father to him. But these things were so hard for me to work on due to depression even before the D bomb dropped. I know that step 1 is to get this depression under control so I can be in a place to work on myself to get a better place. In the meantime, I am trying to just interact with my W as pleasantly as possible but to also keep my distance. I am extremely confused by her behavior currently. Even though we have talked about things and she has recently said that “she doesn’t just want to give up” she has not yet explicitly said she wants to work on the marriage. My wishful thinking says that the way she is acting is not how someone who wants to get divorced acts, but I have learned not to trust my interpretation of things at all. I try to assume the opposite: that she is being nice and engaging with me in order to 'ease my fall' or something. Regardless, do I just detach and emotionally move on? Or do I engage with these little ‘efforts’ that she is making even though I don't know her intentions? Is DBing the right approach here? I am afraid that if I just detach and work on myself, she will see that as me not caring about her. I always try to be respectful and kind to her now but, recently, I’ve started to subtly reject her when she acts like she wants a hug or wants to hang out with me, even though there is nothing I want more than to hold her and be near her. What’s the line for detaching/DBing but also meeting her needs? There’s a right balance to strike but my brain and heart are just mush. I don’t know what’s right anymore.
That’s all for now but I would like to add more details as time passes.
Thanks for reading and I hope that everyone here who is struggling is able to stay strong and stay in the fight. I've read some of your stories but would like to do more to engage with the community in the coming days.
Last edited by DnJ; 03/12/2412:52 PM. Reason: Removed swear word.
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to the boards. Do have a thorough read of the links in the welcome post.
Do you have a copy of Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis? Read it cover to cover, a couple of times. It’s excellent resource and guide.
Do keep the book, this site, and the DBing strategies and techniques to yourself. W will interpret such effort and info - sincere and authentic they may be - as you trying to manipulate her back into the fold.
Do make positive changes for you. That way those changes will become permanent. W will slowly start to believe in them and you in time. She (and you) has four years of past behaviour to move forward from. A month is a very short time to provide new and improved behaviour. And, in truth, it will take a few more months for it to become habit.
Of course, one cannot change, modify, alter, become their best self all at once. It’s life, a constant and continual growth and evolution. Embrace it. Do it. Live it.
Your marriage has hit a rough patch. No doubts there. And some positive news, W is still here. She’s not out the door. So divorce bust your butt off and seek personal help and counselling for your depression. You’ve got quite an uphill climb ahead of you. And it is totally doable.
Yes, your past actions, behaviour, and words were deplorable. I also agree with your W, that’s not the real you.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I try to fight having fear be my prime motivator but it feels near-impossible at times.
Fear is entangling and ensnaring.
A lot of life’s growth, especially DBing, is counterintuitive. It goes against what one feels to be right. Makes sense, after all, growth is one expanding into new unknown territory; so of course it would be counterintuitive. To that end:
One does not vanquish their fear. Rather make peace with it. Listen to it. Understand what it is saying. Understand why it is saying.
Understanding is rationalizing, and that lessens the emotional based fear response, by moving such events/triggers from the emotional realm to more the intellectual realm.
This stems from control. Your control. Realizing what you can control. Only three things: Your thoughts, your actions, and your reactions. Those three items are the only things that are within your direct control. You can affect a conscious purposeful action and/or thought.
A few examples will follow. First one.
Do or do not. There is no try.
Doing is a better mindset than trying. “Trying” predisposes one to giving success and failure of the task equal footing. “Doing” pre-charges one’s mindset with a successful completion of the task. One will “do” more efforts to accomplish the desired outcome. Look and listen to the language - Do complete vs try to complete.
Your mind is always listening and will craft your reality as you ask it to. Speak well.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I am trying, through this depression, to GAL and re-develop healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music.
How about:
I am working through this depression by embracing GAL and re-developing healthy hobbies that I once used to enjoy like biking, exercising, drawing, music.
I know that I need to work on myself for my own sake and for my son’s sake so that I can be a good father to him. But these things were so hard for me to work on due to depression even before the D bomb dropped.
“But” is another word choice that your mind is listening to and will make your way forward more difficult.
But usually ties to dissimilar items together. It also usually crafts a justification to not do or delay the known needed action or change. “I need to work on myself but…”. I think you’ll agree, that mindset is not the best recipe for success.
In DR, MWD speaks of imagining a big red stop sign to bring things to a halt. Run away emotions, cheeseless tunnels, getting lost visiting the past, etc. It is utilizing one’s direct conscious control to effect an alteration of our self. It can, and does, work.
When you find yourself thinking/feeling/blaming your depression for something - big red stop sign! Take control of that! Own it.
The benefits of such ownership and responsibility are multi-fold. For things that are within your control - you can control. I know, a rather obvious statement. Yet one that is usually unwittingly unrealized. Place that which you can control, within your control - otherwise it proceeds uncontrolled. And the former is much better, though responsibility and accountability does sting somewhat.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I know that step 1 is to get this depression under control so I can be in a place to work on myself to get a better place.
Good. Yes, work on you.
Originally Posted by CK0512
In the meantime, I am trying to just interact with my W as pleasantly as possible but to also keep my distance.
“Try”, “But”. I figure you’ll modify how you see this going forward.
Do be pleasant with W, and yourself. Sincere and authentic. The big thing, don’t partake in those previous behaviours and nastiness. It’s perfectly ok to feel them, for you cannot directly control your feelings. However, you do control your actions and words! Hold your tongue, remove yourself, when things start to boil over. In time, and practice, those difficult mediated actions become more and more habit, affecting your emotional state, and eventual become just who you are.
Originally Posted by CK0512
I am extremely confused by her behavior currently. Even though we have talked about things and she has recently said that “she doesn’t just want to give up” she has not yet explicitly said she wants to work on the marriage. My wishful thinking says that the way she is acting is not how someone who wants to get divorced acts, but I have learned not to trust my interpretation of things at all. I try to assume the opposite: that she is being nice and engaging with me in order to 'ease my fall' or something.
Do not assume the opposite, for you will behave according to that assumption. We all display small emotional behaviours and reflections all the time. Look to the positive possibilities. And focus on you, being the best version of you.
Originally Posted by CK0512
Regardless, do I just detach and emotionally move on? Or do I engage with these little ‘efforts’ that she is making even though I don't know her intentions? Is DBing the right approach here? I am afraid that if I just detach and work on myself, she will see that as me not caring about her. I always try to be respectful and kind to her now but, recently, I’ve started to subtly reject her when she acts like she wants a hug or wants to hang out with me, even though there is nothing I want more than to hold her and be near her. What’s the line for detaching/DBing but also meeting her needs? There’s a right balance to strike but my brain and heart are just mush. I don’t know what’s right anymore.
Big Red Stop Sign!
I get it. Lots of mush and not knowing which way to go.
Start with you. Become you. Your best version. A husband, a father, a man only a fool would leave.
Do not reject her. I think you’ve don’t enough of that previously. Divorce busting is about becoming better. And often that has some 180s in one’s behaviour. Sincere 180s.
Hang out with her when she wants to. Be sincere. Go slow. W will be testing to see if you are actually sincerely changing.
Above all, do your inner work. Find your way.
I look forward to conversing with you, and I hope this resonates with you.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hey man I read your post and wanted to say that you sound more like a jerk than a depressed person.
Just focus on that. Control your inner dialog and focus on not being a jerk. You'll need to have the same inner dialog hundreds of times per day to change your thought patterns.
Peter Kreefts "Your Questions God's Answers" has good thoughts on the meaning of life and why you're unhappy.
Good luck and know that you have free will. You control your destiny more than anything or anyone else.
Last edited by ovrrnbw; 03/19/2402:04 PM.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
