Signing divorce papers, seeing your names written upon the document, stirs up more grief and feelings. Getting the agreement officially complete by courts/judge, brings about some more too.
Be gentle on yourself and realize these too are temporary feelings. Be extra vigilant for the next while when making major decisions/changes. A bit of purposeful effort and your intellect and reason will be more front and center. Personally, I find that kind of cool, realizing and adjusting our self’s priorities like that.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel like [censored] for opting to leave my cat. i think its for the best as i dont want to drag her out of a place shes use to, and be cooped up in 1 room i have to rent. im sure she will miss the other 2 cats as well and the kids. im very conflicted on how i feel. she will miss me as well, and i feel like im abandoning her.
Perfectly normal to feel such. This is a loss, a significant loss, you will grieve that companionship. Yet, you know why you made the decision. The reasoning is sound, and the decision is the best one out of the choices you had.
Stay strong and keep moving forward.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
If you only have a room to rent, you need to focus on what’s important and, though I do feel for you, and an sympathetic to the cat situation, what are you going to do about your children you have every other weekend?
What made you decide to take all of the bills, not get alimony or support of any kind, not have the property division set up, but sign the papers anyway?
im looking at a room where the female owner is ok with my daughter staying in a room across from mine when she is with me that is set up for a girl for when her friends little girl would visit with her.
the lawyer i spoke to said that getting the divorce over with before i get my settlement would be best. i didnt have the money to hire a lawyer. we divided the property up fairly and she gave me some stuff that she didnt have to. we thought it would be a long shot for support from her. if i can get enough back from my settlement i will be able to pay off all my debt and have a small nest egg. i dont want my wife to get half of that so the quicker i get this over the better.
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
we dont have any children together. ive actually talked to 3 different lawyers and they have said about the same thing.
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
we dont have any children together. ive actually talked to 3 different lawyers and they have said about the same thing.
Ok, I misread your opening post.
I can't believe you're not entitled to alimony. What does she do for a living? I know the family courts are extremely biased against men, but still.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Just remember if you end it your ex will carry on like nothing happened. You'd be letting her have power over you, the best way to show her what she lost is to be the best version of herself and have her live with the regret of losing the one that got away. It's hard at this moment for you but you will overcome this, do any sort of strenuous physical activity, it will do wonders for your mind and body, it will give you confidence, make you physically stronger, help you sleep. The road can be long and arduous but the journey makes us all stronger when we've arrived where we want to be. Get a therapist asap if you haven't already. There is nothing wrong with you, your ex chose a bad path but you are a good person. I've been in the same place as you, I've called crisis centre 2-3 times, ended up in rehab after passing out in emergency from alcohol withdrawal with superficial high blood pressure, I've stood at the train tracks thinking about it, it's not worth it. It will get better, I promise you Find a good friend and talk about things, do things you've always wanted to try. I too am in the same boat, no children and have to restart my life from scratch. If you are religious say or write down a prayer, if you have trouble sleeping take melatonin, it has worked wonders for me, it helps calm anxiety and calms down your heart, whatever you do don't drink your pain away it makes things worse.
Last edited by Catman19; 03/07/2412:51 PM. Reason: Mistakes
You need to speak to at least one other lawyer. From what I've read, you're entitled to alimony, child support, etc. Do not think for one second that if the situation were reversed, your W wouldn't go after it.
You may want to get this over with as quickly as possible. But the decisions you're making right now are going to affect you and your kids for the rest of your life. No offense, but you've got much bigger things to worry about than your cat.
we dont have any children together. ive actually talked to 3 different lawyers and they have said about the same thing.
Ok, I misread your opening post.
no worries. i do have a 11 yr old daughter but she is from another relationship.
I can't believe you're not entitled to alimony. What does she do for a living? I know the family courts are extremely biased against men, but still.
she works in payroll. the thing that hurts me from getting spousal support is i have a monthly income. our length of marriage. she makes more then i do but its not quite enough more to make a difference. like you said the courts are extremely biased against men. if i spend all my resources on a lawyer and things not go my way i would lose half of my settlement to her. i did have a few things that might help me get support. she blindsided me with the divorce giving me no time to prepare and im disabled and i would need to learn a new profession to work. at best i would get temporary help. it would be a huge gamble for me. if i lost i would be in a worse position then im in now.
so really tuff day today. we did a lot of packing this last weekend mainly my daughters room that she was sharing with my step daughter. everyone was sad except of course my wife she was more annoyed and icy cold to everyone. even her own kids. i have been searching for a room to rent and i have some leads and ive turned down some rooms because it wasn't a good fit for me and my daughter. one room fell through that would have been perfect. really nice lady but she is having health problems.
im only going to need to rent a room for at most 3 months or less. my settlement will be in by then and im going to be able to get a 2 bedroom apartment. it was a tuff day because im still grieving the divorce and im back at the depression stage. last week i was back on the bargaining stage wishing my wife would change her mind then i got a wake up call over the weekend seeing how cold and nasty she can be and it reminded me of why i havent been happy the last year.
i talked with my councilor on monday and we discussed how unsentimental she is. i can understand her not wanting pictures of us together but its like she wants no memory of us at all. how can you be with someone for over 5 yrs and not feel any sort of loss or sadness. i dont want to be with the person she is right now but i still love and will miss the person i fell in love with and married. if i could show how many cards and letters she wrote me over the 5 years up to 2 months before she said she was divorcing me it would be a small book of how i was her rock and how much love she had for me. how does that just disappear?
I was very depressed today looking at rooms for rent and the feeling of how alone i will be again. its like she cant wait to get rid of me and out of the house. i dont really want to be here either because it reminds me of all that im losing. but im not nasty about it she has been on a warpath since the weekend treating everyone in her wake with contempt even her kids and even her golden child. she seems so miserable. she acts like she has been done so dirty by me and its the complete opposite. I never abused her in any way i treated her fairly and like my equal. i never cheated on her or ignored her needs. i stood by her depressive episodes and supported her ideas. my faults were being to clingy and making her my life. i thought i was being a good husband by putting my marriage first. in reality it was our dysfunctional love attachment styles that was the issue. if she wasnt being so dismissive/ avoidant i wouldnt have been so clingy trying to figure out what was wrong. she hardly would communicate her feelings so i had to fill in the blanks which isnt healthy. she also claimed i isolated her because of jealousy. thats not a fact i never had a problem with her hanging out with her friends. i was jealous over the amount of quality time she gave one of her male friends. she would go out to dinner with him he would pay and then they would hang out listening to music in her or his car for like 6 hrs they bonded over the same music taste. my complaint was i hardly ever got that much time with her. i never told her she couldnt hang out with him. i only wanted to have some good quality time with her.
she quit hanging out with him as much and blamed me because she didnt want to hear me complain. all i asked for was a good date night where we could hangout together and bond over dinner or good conversation. her idea of quality time was to share space as we watched a tv show or movie which most of the time i didnt get a say in what we watched. on her dating profile she wrote that her first husband was a abusive narcissist who made her feel bad about herself and her second husband me put her on a pedestal and was smothering and isolated her out of jealousy. I felt like a toy that she kept on a shelf and only played with when she felt like it.
i should be the one pissed off. she blindsided me with divorce at the absolute worst time in my life. im on disability starting over with a new career and barely any money to live on. she also knew how depressed i was about being on disability and starting over before she blindsided me. she also lied for who knows how long about her feelings and promised me she would never do that. bottom line is she is a very selfish cruel person.
anyways i know im rambling now. counseling has showed me that yes i do have issues with trusting people and my unhealed childhood trauma has caused me to be to clingy when things arent going perfect. my father was very distant and gave me a lot of abandonment issues and feeling like its all my fault which causes a anxious / preoccupied love attachment but the problem is i keep attracting distant and emotionally unavailable partners and that triggers my issues because they dont communicate. i dont know how many times i told my wife that all she had to do when shes in a bad mood to diffuse my triggers is talk to me and communicate if shes having a bad day unrelated to me just tell me or if ive done something how can we resolve it. or communicate that she needs time and follow through with coming to me when shes ready and not sweep it under the rug.
I keep swinging back and forth from hopelessness about my future to feeling like i will meet someone right for me and get a new career and be able to live.
the other thing i dont understand is she was so pushy on getting the divorce papers signed and ready to go but now they are and she has yet to file them. what is she waiting for?
stop wasting your time trying to figure out the whys and what’s next.
You need to focus on yourself before you find yourself homeless. You should also be glad she didn’t file the paperwork and you need to go for temporary spousal support.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
i talked with my councilor on monday and we discussed how unsentimental she is. i can understand her not wanting pictures of us together but its like she wants no memory of us at all. how can you be with someone for over 5 yrs and not feel any sort of loss or sadness. i dont want to be with the person she is right now but i still love and will miss the person i fell in love with and married. if i could show how many cards and letters she wrote me over the 5 years up to 2 months before she said she was divorcing me it would be a small book of how i was her rock and how much love she had for me. how does that just disappear?
Disappear is pretty apt.
Her feelings, the love, is being buried by her. She is wilfully and unsentimentally removing things and people from her life. All in an attempt to ease whatever suffering she feels.
Disappeared, not destroyed.
However, any possible reappearance is quite a ways down the road. She has a journey ahead of her. So do you. Like we all do.
Thing is, for now, W is adamantly professing her lack of feelings and her rewriting of your shared history. You know better. Remember your history, and realize her current feelings are her current viewpoint. And you cannot control her feelings or how she views things or recalls things.
Her justifications and blames directed at you are not accurate. Certainly, there is stuff you could have done better and things you fell short on. Own them. Grow from them.
However, there is also plenty that W is crafting and outright making up to justify her choice.
Along with all that, you are looking fondly at your history, while she is looking non-favourably. Removing your rose coloured glasses will help you. For example:
Originally Posted by aphexx13
she also claimed i isolated her because of jealousy. thats not a fact i never had a problem with her hanging out with her friends. i was jealous over the amount of quality time she gave one of her male friends. she would go out to dinner with him he would pay and then they would hang out listening to music in her or his car for like 6 hrs they bonded over the same music taste.
she quit hanging out with him as much and blamed me because she didnt want to hear me complain.
Dinner and then six hours hanging out listening to music seems excessive, and a red flag truth be told.
Looking less fondly at things will allow you to see more clearly. Be cautious not to lean or twist to the other end of the spectrum either. Reality is usually somewhere in the middle.
Best of luck in your search for accommodations.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
