Acceptance is proving difficult. Many times I thought I had accepted what happened and moved forward only to be pulled back into anger, sadness, and frustration. Watching W continue to party like nothing happened is part of this: I want to get to a place where I no longer care what she is doing. I'm much closer now than I was 6 months ago, but still not "there" yet.
You are doing fine. And will get there.
Some guidance, perhaps.
Acceptance is emotional understanding. It’s not indifference, it’s not being unfeeling or not caring. It’s understanding your feelings, allowing your feelings, realizing your feelings, and therefore being able to feel and experience them without the debilitating sadness, depression, anger, and bargaining.
It’s similar to intellectual understanding. You know and understand thyself.
I do get how it seems like not caring. My goodness, for so long we feel such pain and heartbreak, ceaselessly. A big part of acceptance is cleaving that trigger, which then removes the cascade and reinforcement of feelings when we recall, remember, and care. It’s wonderful to no longer have such a runaway train, yet still care. Still feel.
Realizing our limits of our control, detaching, letting go, accountability, respecting our spouse’s right to choose, keeping one’s heart soft and squishy and not hardening it, and so on, all play important parts in achieving such emotional understanding and acceptance.
Like I said, you are doing fine.
Time is a gift. Be patience and allow it to work. Such is the mechanism of the emotional realm and journey.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for this MrP. All of your comments roll up to one central problem: I stopped DB'ing during the last few weeks. Even though I have decided to pursue D, I still intend to continue 180s (for me), GAL (for me) and detach (for me). I stopped doing those things and fell back into old and unproductive ways of interacting with W. I was focused on what W did, how it affected our family, and that there should be some kind of evening of the scales. I wasn't consciously thinking this but it's obvious now that it was guiding my thinking.
For clarity, I am using a L. I first engaged with him in Spring/Summer 2023 when I could tell something was very amiss, and have since put him on retainer and completed all ppwk necessary to file. His finger is on the trigger waiting for me to say "pull". W and I are engaging with a mediator at her request so that this individual can weigh in on how to manage the asset split and have my W stay in the house. I know our finances and I understand that we cannot come up with an equitable split that keeps one party in the house without outside money (i.e. her dad). My goal in using the mediator is to get a neutral third party to say "you cannot keep W in the house without outside money coming in, and if outside money does come in the most fair way to do this is X". My base case remains that we sell the house and split the proceeds.
Originally Posted by MrP
I fight the urge to run up to my moral high ground and lecture my W about how she's contributed to how we got here.
I struggle with this too. It's caused me to wonder where I am in the stages of grief: if I can't sit down with W without slinging mud at her over her actions, it seems to me I have some anger still. I don't want to be angry.
Hey MrP, thanks for checking in. I continue to move forward with my process and have filed D. As many here understand this is a tumultuous time and it's taken a lot of energy and focus to remain emotionally resilient for myself and my kids. Being sober has helped enormously as has prioritizing sleep, fitness, and a healthy diet.
I spend a lot of time with my kids especially on weekends and this weekend will be no different. Love it. They are still unaware of what is happening and it breaks my heart to think of what's ahead so I focus on the present.
Highs and lows. I've strayed at times from behaving in the way I want to but each time I find myself re-centering faster, like a rubber band whose elasticity increases with time. Perhaps this is the long-awaited detachment taking hold.
Summer is around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. A good friend just bought a small boat and we plan to spearfish up and down the coast all summer long. I want to teach the kids to surf this year too, something that I spent years doing and brought me a lot of happiness. Camping trips are booked.
So that's all for now. I still check the boards weekly and appreciate you asking after me. Thanks again to everyone who has weighed in and continues to check in.
