My situation. Married 18 yrs .have a teenage son..were in our fifties..wife says we should of been divorced 10 yrs ago...last 5 yrs basically we have been living like roommates.maybe been sexual couple of times in that span...so when she went to her home country last summer she saw how her parents were not getting along.and she said they should of divorced long time ago..so that triggered when she got back last August..she told me she wants to seperate..at same time when she was working from home I overheard her talking to a fellow coworker who is Married to meet for sexual times..so before seperation I say a month...it was emotional affair that started with the co working hitting on her and giving a kiss as i overheard her say, she was not looking for this, it came to her..and when seperated turned to physical where they meet once in a while..I believe it til November...myself from the start of the seperation have gone to councelling..as well started with the church..changed my diet,,read many self help books .dressed better..being closer to my son and being better person overall..in the beginning months of seperation.she told me she sees my changes but she says it won't last..but now Feb..still with the changes...also in Aug..she was gun ho on getting a legal seperation..as she wanted it in writing that were seperated.we both saw lawyers..we talked about custody..support..because of how expensive housing is here..she wanted us and our son to live in the house for 3 yrs til hes done highschool..back to seperation...so few months later she needed a pension statement from work before she can procede with seperation agreement..she got that paper in January..but since November we have not talked about seperation...I give her all the space she needs..i would say since mid dec, i see her being for friendly to i,,,even new years eve when she went to her sisters for new years eve,,couple of minutes after midnight she texted me happy new year...yesterday was my son birthday..and first time since seperation we all 3 went out for supper for my sons birthday,,as well this weekend were having a birthday party at our house and my parents and brothers are coming,,since seperation in august she has not seen my parents or brothers..so should be interesting...i find little by little she is opening up...we were in the process of finishing the basement,,than seperation came and we stopped,,and just a couple of weeks ago she mentioned that lets get the electrical done for the basement..so obviously she wants to stay in the house,,so im in limbo,,dont know what to do,,,as of now were very civil,,,i always let her bring up any conversation...i dont know what her plans are for us,,as i dont want to ask her...as well i know exactly her schedules..there are times when she gets home 30 minutes late maybe once a month, of course my mind is rushing if she is still meeting that co worker for a sexual fling,,,but if she is,,i will give her an ultmatum of if you want to save our marriage yes or no...and will give her a couple of days to think about it,,if she no,,i will tell her lets put the house for sale and go our own ways ,,, its very hard for i to live like this, its like walking on eggshells ,,,also she does not know i know of the the co worker,,i really dont know how i kept it in for i not to tell her,,,as well being in limbo, my councellor tells me just ride it out...so been seperated 6 months now just keep on doing what im doing now i guess..of course i love her and wish we would be back together any input would be appreciated thanks
Welcome to the boards. I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. The uncertainty and unknowing is, at first, very difficult to take.
This place has many kind compassionate folks with much hard-earned wisdom. Post. Ask questions. A lot of the suggestions and advice will be counterintuitive; Divorce Busting is a highly counterintuitive process.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis? It is an excellent book and resource.
I will copy Cadet’s welcome post below for your reference. Do read it fully. There are many links to a trove of useful information. (A bit of homework. )
I understand your W is saying she wants a separation. Has she moved out? Or is it an in house separation? Has she moved into the basement or spare room or something like that?
As oddly as it will sound, remember counterintuitive, trying to directly fix the marriage will likely push her away faster. The best and fastest route to a possible restoration/reconciliation is in the opposite direction. You focus on you.
Give W plenty of time and space. Let her feel the loss of you and the relationship. She needs to feel it. You do not act cruel or unkind or any such, just be kind and cordial and get a life. GAL is incredible important for your mental and emotional health.
Detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Being detached is when one’s spouse’s words, behaviours, and actions no longer uncontrollably drag one around.
I suspect you have found detachment as you are speaking about limbo. More counterintuitive advice: embrace limbo. This limbo is just your romantic life. Not your work life, nor hobbies, friends, activities, and so on. Remember, GAL.
Stop walking on eggshells. That tiptoeing around is the result of fear and uncertainty. A not wanting to rock the boat. Let go that fear and live and love your life. I get it, hard to love our life during such upheaval. Yep, been there. Act as if. Do things, act positive. Eventually those actions become the norm.
Some GAL ideas. Go for a walk or run, hit a punching bag, dig a garden or shovel snow depending upon your climate. Physical activity really helps with the grief as well. It’s perfectly normal to have anger and sweating it out is really therapeutic.
So, focusing on you. Pick up old hobbies. We all have things we put away as married life progressed, dig them back out and enjoy them. Start something new. Maybe there is a project or a class you’ve wanted to take. Start it. Cooking, painting, etc. There is a wonderful gal here who took up singing lessons. Lots have learnt or rediscovered a musical instrument as well.
Originally Posted by Dc17
she told me she sees my changes but she says it won't last.
This is very common. The leaving spouse does not believe our changes. They think they are just a trick or manipulation to get them back. Make changes for you. That way those positive changes will be permanent.
Become the best version of you. For you, not W. That’s the heart of things.
W will likely see your changes and she might become interested. And that takes some time. That’s kind of DB in a nut shell.
I look forward to conversing with you.
Have a great day.
DnJ
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Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
And one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I understand your W is saying she wants a separation. Has she moved out? Or is it an in house separation? Has she moved into the basement or spare room or something like that?
it is an in house seperation..still same sleeping quarters she sleeps in her room and i sleep in my room,,,
Last edited by DnJ; 03/08/2405:46 PM. Reason: Added quote for clarity.
Something that helped me, at least in some sense, was to tell myself every day that today could be the last day I am married. It helped sober me to the reality that it could be ending and stave off the desperation.
You're doing a log of things well. Now you need to be an attractive person and you need to GAL: get a life. Get out and get living with fun and friends. Don't make this time all about her. Don't dwell on what she's doing. Don't let her know just smartly what you're up to either. Let her wonder.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
took your advice...as always when i leave the house, i would tell her, im going to a friends house, going for a walk, going for lottery tickets,,and yesterday without saying anything, went to meet up with a friend...
Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Sorry to hear this.
Something that helped me, at least in some sense, was to tell myself every day that today could be the last day I am married. It helped sober me to the reality that it could be ending and stave off the desperation.
You're doing a log of things well. Now you need to be an attractive person and you need to GAL: get a life. Get out and get living with fun and friends. Don't make this time all about her. Don't dwell on what she's doing. Don't let her know just smartly what you're up to either. Let her wonder.
Good for you. Yes, you need not inform her of all of your plans and whereabouts, some mystery is a good thing.
Originally Posted by Dc17
i find little by little she is opening up...
Usually, the less you pry or demand answers the more they will open up. It’s infuriatingly slow when we want answers now. Got to dig for patience.
Interestingly, the answers you are presently wanting become less and less critical as time and your healing progresses. Your need for answers will become less. Certainly there would have to be a clearing of the air and various truths/answers before any reconnecting, however your “need” will not be driving that.
Dig for patience and focus on what you can control - which is you. You can only directly control your thoughts, actions, and reactions. Do not press her for anything. Let her be. Let go. Let her come to you and open up as she will, when she will. Respond, validate where and when appropriate, and let her “mostly” lead the pace and direction of the conversation.
You can invite her to some family activities, there is nothing wrong with that. Just keep your expectations dialled to zero. Unmet expectations lead to resentment, and resentment is like acid to a relationship, love, hope, and such. For example, “Hey W, son and I are going to the park, would you like to join us?” If she says yes, great. If she says no, great. You and son are going regardless and are going to have a great time. It’s up to her if she joins in or not.
You both let her lay in the bed she made and give her opportunity to open up. Takes a little practice to find that balance. It’s a slow trek, most is you doing you. Focusing on you. Which brings us to…
Originally Posted by Dc17
we were in the process of finishing the basement,,than seperation came and we stopped,,and just a couple of weeks ago she mentioned that lets get the electrical done for the basement..so obviously she wants to stay in the house,,
I’d not mind read her too much. She may want to remain in the house, she may want to get it more ready for sale, she may be bored, or any other from a myriad of possibilities. Doesn’t really matter.
Originally Posted by Dc17
so im in limbo,,dont know what to do
Do you want the basement finished? I suspect you do. So work on it. That’s an excellent GAL project. An excellent focus on you. An excellent “act as if” action too. And of course, you get your basement fixed up. Are you doing the electrical yourself? Installing the receptacle boxes and running the wire? What kind of lighting are you installing? What plans for the space? Home theater? Game room? Pool table?
If W joins in, great. If she doesn’t, great. You keep moving forward.
Originally Posted by Dc17
as of now were very civil,,,i always let her bring up any conversation...i dont know what her plans are for us,,as i dont want to ask her
Good, remain civil. When she brings up conversation, what is it about? Is she argumentative? Is she looking for a fight? Is she blaming you?
W is likely depressed and as such she is more looking past-ward than forward. Plans for you and her will not be foremost on her mind. She is grappling with her problems and demons, she doesn’t have much bandwidth for anything or anyone else.
She may not be yet be blaming you or projecting or crafting justifications for her present actions. If/when she does, be the gray rock. Let her words find no purchase. Most folks do not take accountability for their destructive actions. Let her feel the weight of her choices.
Originally Posted by Dc17
as well i know exactly her schedules..there are times when she gets home 30 minutes late maybe once a month, of course my mind is rushing if she is still meeting that co worker for a sexual fling,,,but if she is,,i will give her an ultimatum of if you want to save our marriage yes or no...and will give her a couple of days to think about it,,if she no,,i will tell her lets put the house for sale and go our own ways ,,,
Ultimatums seldom yield the hope for, positive, results. You’ve got to look at the long game here. There is no magic bullet, no quick fix. W has lots of stuff she needs to sort of. That’s going to take time.
While that is ongoing, do your inner work. Become you. Read the lighthouse story (one of the links in the welcome post) and live it. Become your best self.
We all have areas where we can grow. Things we could have, should have, and can do better. A positive of an in house separation is she is still there. She can more easily see your positive changes.
You’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely. Use it well.
Hope you have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
To reply to your questions...a licensed electrician is doing the electrical work.. When she brings up conversations ...usually it's about her work...as well about our two cats...since seperation..we don't argue...
Just reading the pursuit and distance...I have to admit I have supper ready for her twice a week when she gets home from work as well once a week chocolate
Just reading the pursuit and distance...I have to admit I have supper ready for her twice a week when she gets home from work as well once a week chocolate
Cut that put completely. You're not her man right now so act like it.
That's cake eating if I've ever seen it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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