An update from me. W and I are cordial while things progress. I am giving her space but keeping things on track, and as a result she has shared her attorney's name as well as a financial affidavit form provided by her parents' financial planner. This planner is a CDFA and while her services are overkill for our financial picture (we own a home w 50% equity and various retirement and financial accounts) I am fine including her if it puts my W at ease and moves things along. She will not be charging for her services, and she manages W's parents wealth, so I know whose side she is on.
Overall my base case is simple: everything we have has been built by us together and can be dismantled by us together. No need to involve third parties. W wants to keep the house, which will require her father to step in and pay off or refinance the mortgage, as well as buy out my equity stake. This transaction would lead to wife paying no mortgage or rent. I am willing to agree to this IF my spousal support is then reduced to zero. L believes this to be very reasonable, since the market rent alone for our home would exceed my monthly alimony, and W would be living here for free.
W is very sullen and down most of the time, though our interactions are pleasant enough when they happen. I no longer spend any time wondering what she's thinking or feeling, mostly I focus on the kids, the process, and staying grounded.
22 days alcohol free, I can see myself staying the course here for a while. It's very helpful to be well rested and emotionally centered.
GAL has suffered a bit the last two weeks, or maybe it seems that way because I only went lobster diving once and hung out with friends twice. After the frenetic pace of the last 3 months its seemed quiet.
Stay strong my friend, there is a light at the end of the tunnel If you ever even think of drinking remember the dark place you were in when you turned to it, only to delay the inevitable pain. Bring clear minded while it can be hard to endure, allows us to think clearly about everything
W wants to keep the house, which will require her father to step in and pay off or refinance the mortgage, as well as buy out my equity stake. This transaction would lead to wife paying no mortgage or rent. I am willing to agree to this IF my spousal support is then reduced to zero. L believes this to be very reasonable, since the market rent alone for our home would exceed my monthly alimony, and W would be living here for free.
Your L may feel it's reasonable but was does the law say? Not sure she gets penalized for rich parents. IMO Someone should keep the home if possible for the children's stability. If not you than her and IMO should not be used as a bargaining tool.
Originally Posted by Maturin
W is very sullen and down most of the time, though our interactions are pleasant enough when they happen. I no longer spend any time wondering what she's thinking or feeling, mostly I focus on the kids, the process, and staying grounded.
Believe it or not although she wants out she is disappointed the marriage didn't work out.
I am willing to agree to this IF my spousal support is then reduced to zero.
For many locales, spousal support is one of the many things that are negotiable. Such things can be waived, set at a different amount, offset, etc, as long as both parties agree.
Your proposal sounds reasonable.
Originally Posted by Maturin
GAL has suffered a bit the last two weeks, or maybe it seems that way because I only went lobster diving once and hung out with friends twice. After the frenetic pace of the last 3 months its seemed quiet.
Nothing wrong with quiet.
Originally Posted by Maturin
It's very helpful to be well rested and emotionally centered.
Good for you. Keep it up.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Today W and I will sit down with her family's wealth advisor to review our financial picture. From previous conversations with W, I am under the impression she (W) thinks we can shuffle things around such that I keep certain accounts and she gets the house. Our equity position in the home is large enough that this isn't possible, but I am going into the meeting with an open mind and letting the advisor explain that and propose whatever solutions she can think of (she is a CDFA). I had previously assumed W's father was going to ride to the rescue with a large check to let her keep the house, but I'm now getting the sense he isn't going to do that. I'm making lots of assumptions because there is no direct communication on the subject between he and I.
I've had a few frustrating encounters with W that I would like to vent about.
D6 was sick this week. She stayed home from school Tuesday while W went to work; since I work from home D6 stayed here and I cared for her. Wednesday I had a lunch and offsite meetings, so I arranged for my mom to take care of D6 during lunch and meetings. My mom enthusiastically asked if W could just drop her off on her way to work, and D6 could spend all day with my mom rather than just while I was at lunch/meetings. Perfect, I thought - child care is handled and D6 will be receiving undivided attention from grandma all day.
W did not like this idea. She asked a series of questions: "doesn't your mom already have plans for the day, why do I have to drop her off on my way to work, why is she watching her all day instead of just at lunch?" etc. I asked questions when she brought all this up: "What is it about the plan that doesn't work for you?" and the like. Ultimately she finally blurted out "I've had to stay home from work lots of times when the kids were sick, you're going to have to deal with all of that now yourself!" I realized the conversation was futile, W is very angry, and this had nothing to do with whether D6 was taken care of. I told her D6 is in good hands and that's what matters, and walked out of the room. Very frustrating but I knew continuing the conversation wasn't going to do any good.
Last weekend W went to her brother's house and got drunk. When she came home I was in bed reading, and she said "I think we're making a mistake and shouldn't get divorced. I know we're both miserable but it's going to be bad for the kids if we divorce." I replied that we were getting divorced because of her PA, the loss of trust, the unwillingness to work to restore trust on her part, and that we would both do what was best for the kids. She turned on a dime and went down the usual path, saying she has never been attracted to me and looks at our relationship like an arranged marriage, having only married me because her family liked me and she thought it would settle her down. More of the usual acerbic drunk anger.
Aside from that I'm doing well. Today is a month alcohol free and I'm still enjoying a very active social life.
Hey M. I saw your latest post and just wanted to say you continue to do an admirable job of managing your sitch.
Regarding the frustration of your mom helping out, I've faced similar criticism. It's like if you find a more creative solution than W did, or have a better support network of family and friends, they resent that. Or, accuse you of being a bad parent for shuffling your kids off to a grandparent's house. My W actually told me once that I "should have to sit in the house and suffer like I (W) suffered" in a similar situation. Great of you to focus on the outcome that was fine for you and your child. W is likely also looking for a reason to fight and continue blaming you for the overall sitch. As you figured out, there is no value in debating. The post-drunk incident sounds like a similarly sad attempt at being blameless and hurting you. Well done sticking to facts and saying little to nothing else.
I'm glad you're doing well and staying active. It really does help. Not sure I can go alcohol free BUT maybe I'll give it a whirl!
My W actually told me once that I "should have to sit in the house and suffer like I (W) suffered" in a similar situation.
I've heard essentially the same thing! And of course, I WANT to reply "Sounds good, I will stay here and you can go out into the world and build a career that supports a family of 5 in a high cost of living area. And remember, just food and groceries isn't enough, make sure you can afford to own a home and take nice vacations. See you tonight! I won't have dinner ready, I'll be too tired to cook."
Of course I would never be that petty and only "say" things like that here, to people like you who understand. I recognize the stress of being a stay at home mom is a real thing.
Truly, W is having a hard time. What's ironic is this: she has long harbored animosity towards my mom, though she would only vent it when drunk. She'd claim my Mom didn't like her, or was too judgmental, never helped, etc. But now, the person in both of our families who is most concerned and empathetic towards her is my mom. She is constantly describing my wife as lost and checking in on her, as well as finding ways to help with our kids.
Yesterday's meeting went fine, and we are now planning to have a consultation with a mediator. I can see that using the financial advisor, my FIL is pushing for a solution to keep W in the house. I am not going to stand in the way of that, but I don't plan to stay on the mortgage and that is what's being proposed. I am laser focused on what is best for me and the kids while not actively working for or against my W.
Taking the kids to a fair with some other dads this weekend, having dinner with a friend, and taking a yoga class Saturday morning. Feeling centered. Reading a book right now called The Art of Resilience by Ross Edgely, it's a good read for anyone interested in physicality and endurance challenges. And of course, it translates well for anyone going through a sitch that requires resilience of the mental and emotional kind as well.
I don't plan to stay on the mortgage and that is what's being proposed.
Agreed! Do not remain on the mortgage if/when you are not living there anymore.
Divorcing couples have basically two options. 1) One partner assumes the mortgage and buys the other out. 2) If neither can afford to, or neither wants the house, then the couple sells, pays of the remainder of the mortgage and splits up the proceeds (or splits up the remaining debt if equity was insufficient to pay the entire mortgage).
If W cannot solo assume the mortgage with its current terms, she would have to refinance. Strictly speaking removing you from the mortgage would likely still be a refinance. Anyhow, a new mortgage, which may even be larger if she does not have enough buy out funds, and maybe new terms: maybe length of amortization is increase to make more affordable payments, maybe a guarantor or co-signer is required. That guarantor is not you. If W’s Dad wants to take on that financial responsibility, let her and him figure it out. (Though it sounds like Dad is not keen on writing that big check anymore. Oh well, not your circus not your monkeys.)
W snapping about your Mom; her looking for a fight regarding the children (which as you saw was not about their welfare); W turning on a dime when she realized you aren’t going along with her temp check/narrative; sadly pretty commonplace. Keep walking your path, and let her feel her choices. Perhaps she will awaken and make significant steps and changes, and perhaps not.
Have a great time at the fair.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
One of the guys I follow stated that he mentally adds "I FEEL" to the beginning of what a woman says and adds "RIGHT NOW" to the end.
"I FEEL "
Originally Posted by Maturin
"I have never been attracted to you and look at our relationship like an arranged marriage, having only married you because my family liked you and I thought it would settle me down."
"RIGHT NOW".
Makes it very easy for us (me) to stay grounded and and not argue.
On top of that, there is no point in any rational discussions (or arguing) with someone who has been drinking. The drinks do help bring out some truths that sober people may not be willing to speak.
Just my 2 cents.
YOU are doing great.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks R2C, I think we follow many of the same folks. 2-3 years ago I was working with an online coach when all of this started happening, and he taught me to add "right now" to the end of anything W was saying, whether that was "I'm not attracted to you" or "I can't imagine my life without you". It has helped me keep things in perspective.
