If any good whatsoever comes of this mess it will be that I am well equipped to educate my sons and daughter on the realities of long term relationships. Yes, I am just another guy from a "perfect couple" who got cucked and embarrassed. I'll be damned if it happens to my kids.
Remember that you can't control whether your sons get cuckolded but you can do is teach them that behavior like that is unacceptable and shouldn't be tolerated.
Yesterday I took my kids and one of their friends to an outdoor expo, it was a blast. There was a trout tank so the kids each got to catch a fish, and for their friend it was the first time he had ever done that (I fish a lot with my kids but they still enjoyed it).
W came home around noon while I was out for a run, had two drinks and then left to drink elsewhere until 7. We then watched a movie as a family, but she snapped endlessly at the kids for being "too squirmy". I had planned to take all three kids for an outdoor day today and invited W along but she declined. Instead I am taking S8 and S5 while W takes D5 for a girls day.
It's been 5 months since DDay and the MR has not improved - if anything it's declined a bit. I sense that W is still very satisfied with the way we're living which is basically divorced. She continues to drink heavily on the weekends and sees herself as the victim.
I would like input from the board on how to have the divorce conversation. I am not going to accept this life for myself or my kids and I'm ready to assert that with W. Up until now the only sober conversations we've had have been her saying there is no way she would agree to D unless she gets the house and custody, and that we can continue to live the way we're living. This is unacceptable to me. She'll be out of town the weekend of feb 10 visiting her sister and I plan to approach her the following week while the kids are at school and it's quiet at home. The conversation I have in mind goes something like this:
"W, for some time now we've been disconnected and it doesn't work for me. I know how difficult the last three years have been for you and I appreciate you finally telling me about the PA. I had hoped that once it was out in the open things would improve, but unfortunately all I see is more of the same. I no longer want to live this way and I 'm prepared to file D. Let's talk about what that would look like."
I've decided that for us to remain married she would need to agree to some basic transparency about the PA, go to IC, and stop drinking. Sadly I don't believe she would consider any of that, and she has said as much over the last few months.
"W, for some time now we've been disconnected and it doesn't work for me. I no longer want to live this way and I 'm going to file D. Let's talk about what that would look like."
If you are not prepared to say the above you are not ready. Especially if there is something she can say to stop it.
Curious question: has she voiced any change talk about her drinking or self identified problems from it?
Yes, she knows she has an issue and has expressed desire to fix it when drunk. She won't talk about it when sober and I no longer press as part of the DB process, bc that feels like pressure to her.
Originally Posted by Boat14
If you are not prepared to say the above you are not ready. Especially if there is something she can say to stop it.
I can say that I am ready. I'm done living like a divorced couple but having the constraints of a marriage commitment.
But Boat, what do you mean by "something she can say to stop it"?
If she were to reply with "I'll stop drinking and start spending more time together, I want us to be married" etc, I would tell her it's just not that simple.
Yesterday I took S8 and S5 down to the beach for the entire day, it was awesome. We're getting a mid winter heat wave and spent the entire day outside with a friend and his family. W took D5 to lunch then went to her brother's house and drank all day; she and D5 came home in an Uber.
After we got the kids ready for bed and set them up with a movie I walked over to a neighbor's house to hang with him for an hour. He mentioned they had spent the entire day at home with their three kids after plans to be away were cancelled. They played board games, rode bikes, watched a movie - had what I consider a very normal family day. And not once did either he or his wife crack a beer or pour a glass of wine until the kids were in bed and I came by.
I am so entrenched with an alcoholic that I've forgotten much of the population doesn't feel the need to stun themselves silly just because it's Saturday. I'm determined to get my kids out of this situation.
Maturin, unsafe alcohol use can wreak damage on many levels. I’m curious if you have read the book “Get your loved one sober” and I wonder if your W has brought her drinking up with her doctor.
Ah you have done your homework “it’s not that simple”. Your drunken SAHM is going to say what she needs to say to continue her current life style. Remember that a monkey will not let go of a branch until it has its other hand on the next branch.
So back to my point of you file when nothing she says can change your mind. These fantasy exchanges in our heads rarely happen the way we anticipate them to happen.
These fantasy exchanges in our heads rarely happen the way we anticipate them to happen.
Yes. And what I've learned is that W is expert at deflecting, blaming, and doing what she can to avoid reality during those talks. I used to try to game plan every anticipated response of mine but I've realized that's pointless. Now I focus on what I want for myself and my kids, and the responses flow naturally from those desired outcomes.
I have real concern over the branch swing whenever it comes, not for me but for my kids. W is in an unhealthy place right now and any guy that signs up for that is going to be in bad shape. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Also, in the interest of full ownership I want to mention a mistake I made yesterday. W was challenging me about something w the kids and I was simply not responding or finding ways to agree. She then told me she couldn't address something because she was making dinner (a dinner that I had planned and laid out) and I said "I noticed that, first time you've done that in a long time."
It was an immature passive aggressive comment made from a place of frustration. I let my emotions get the best of me and it was not helpful. She was very ticked about it.
I would like input from the board on how to have the divorce conversation.
I believe actions speak louder than words. This goes for both you and her. You need to take action. You need to see her take positive action.
Obviously there are serious issues that both of you need to address. There are always more fingers pointing back at ourselves.
Her drinking defenately affects her ability to parent. (If you stay together or seperate). Figuring out how to address this should trump if you stay together or seperate. I am not an expert in this area, but you can do lots of research into this. Strong boundaries are needed.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
