Birthday’s, Christmas, Valentines, and so on, stir up lots of emotions. The first year is quite difficult; with each one being a brand new experience.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
got her a card and flowers for her birthday trying to cheer her up.
W’s birthday is tomorrow. Did you give them to her early? If not, do not.
If you are going to recognize her birthday only get a generic card. Nothing mushy or romantic. And no flowers!!
She is going to push back against any relationship pressure. And love and flowers is some big time pressure (as well as seen as begging and pleading).
Take D10 to the store and let her pick out something for Mom (stepmom). No gift from you.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
we haven't told the kids yet until i find a place.
What’s going on aph?
Why are you moving out?
Whose idea is it for you to move out?
I think you and W have no kids, just kids from previous marriages, so no custody issues. However, moving out is usually ill advised.
Do you joint own the house? Or is it her’s? Or do you two rent?
Speak with a lawyer before doing anything major like moving out. Ensure you know your rights, liabilities, and obligations.
The usual advice is for the LBS to remain in the house and the in MBR. The leaving spouse is the one stepping outside of the marriage. They are the one to leave bedroom and/or house, if one has too.
You are on two paths - the emotional healing path, and the business path. Keep them separate.
Regarding the business side. My advice is: If you need financial protection and/or security, then get it. Otherwise, let W do the heavy lifting.
Do speak to a lawyer. And soon. This is only for information gathering. To learn and understand your rights, and know where you legally stand. One’s actions can have legal repercussions. Knowledge is power! And to be forewarned is to be forearmed.
Having a list of questions written down for the L is a good idea, as they seem to vaporize while in such a meeting under these emotional times. Speak with several lawyers and find one you are comfortable with.
Folks do tend to wait too long before seeking legal understanding in my opinion. In your situation, do you have a will? Is W the primary beneficiary? What about your ten year old daughter? Is she provided for? Is there any arrangements for a trust? Who is listed as trustee until she is of age? (By the way, you don’t have to share any answers you don’t wish to. It’s mostly to get you thinking about the vast legal landscape.)
D
yes we rent and im not on the lease. we were trying to save money by not adding me on the lease plus we have been trying to buy a house for the past 2 years. i was planning on talking to a lawyer then i ended up in the hospital. i have no will but i dont have much resources to even pass down to my daughter.
yes we rent and im not on the lease. we were trying to save money by not adding me on the lease plus we have been trying to buy a house for the past 2 years. i was planning on talking to a lawyer then i ended up in the hospital. i have no will but i dont have much resources to even pass down to my daughter.
Trying to buy a house - Likely some put aside monies.
Not being in the lease - May be some options. (L can provide legal/locale guidance.)
Any life insurance on you? Is daughter the beneficiary? Gosh, I had so many things to alter. Health insurance, life insurance, bills, credit cards, accounts, and so on. Was “jointly” setup. Both of us being authorized users, and each other’s primary beneficiary.
What’s on your itinerary for today? Books, video games, movies, music?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
yes we rent and im not on the lease. we were trying to save money by not adding me on the lease plus we have been trying to buy a house for the past 2 years. i was planning on talking to a lawyer then i ended up in the hospital. i have no will but i dont have much resources to even pass down to my daughter.
Trying to buy a house - Likely some put aside monies.
Not being in the lease - May be some options. (L can provide legal/locale guidance.)
Any life insurance on you? Is daughter the beneficiary? Gosh, I had so many things to alter. Health insurance, life insurance, bills, credit cards, accounts, and so on. Was “jointly” setup. Both of us being authorized users, and each other’s primary beneficiary.
What’s on your itinerary for today? Books, video games, movies, music?
D
getting my daughter for the weekend today. we are celebrating my wifes bday tomorrow with the kids. going to a movie and dinner with cake after and gifts from the kids. i have to put on my happy face for the kids but its going to be bitter sweet. looking at what im losing will hurt.
finally reaching that angry stage with my wife. shes talking to like multiple guys now and right in front of me. like i dont know whats going on. she really is cruel and its not the same person i fell in love with or married. im pretty sure its a distraction for her to mask the guilt and not think about changing her mind. she also brought home the divorce papers but didnt give them to me yet. i got more bad news at the dr today about my blood clot in my lung and it could be from a blood disorder and more clots may be coming. so i think she felt guilty about giving me the papers yet. shes in such a rush to get divorced and get me out of the house. i feel like ive died and im in hell right now. so many bad things are happening to me in such a short period of time. 1. wife blindsides me with divorce. 2. i cant afford to move out on my own. 3. i land in the hospital with a blood clot in my lung. 4. more bad news about blood clots and my heart. whats next? im almost praying for death in my sleep.
I am sorry to hear this. The most important thing right now is to focus on your health. Everything else is not urgent. Stay strong for your kids. They need you.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
anyone else go through self loathing? i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine. I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances. although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month. that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field. i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't a attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.
Self loathing, feeling unworthy, feeling not good enough, feeling like a failure, are pretty normal and standard reactions to these traumatic situations. We folks do tend to define ourselves by various external characteristics. Our marital status, and employment, being two of the major ones.
You have been clobbered on both of those fronts. Of course you’re going to feel it. And you’re going to feel like crap.
You recall my post where I asked you to smile? Recall the talking about feelings and influences and paths (physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual)? How feelings are fleeting? And not facts.
Your feelings are true. It’s how you presently feel, how you currently are emotionally responding to stimulus, both external and internal. It’s not forever, though it “feels” like it. (((Hug)))
These emotions are quite a bog to find one’s way through. Dark, entangling, engulfing. Just like a bog, it’s a difficult slog putting one foot in front of the other. Every step takes so much effort to pull your foot out and then splurk it into the next part of the muck and journey.
Remember, the quickest way through is a straight line. Just keep moving forward. The shore is getting closer and closer with each step.
A lot of this movement is rationalizing. Which in turn positively influences and alters one’s emotional state, and therefore their emotional and mental health. Better emotions and mental health, further influence positive thoughts and actions. A much better feedback to loop than the current one.
You can only control three things - your thoughts, actions, and reactions - in which you can affect and direct “all” tenets and paths of your life. We do this, all the time. Wittingly or unwittingly, it happens. And most folks do not have their hands on the wheel, letting their life careen away. You know better.
Be accurate in thought and heart.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel like if i didn't have the flaws that my wife saw in me things would be fine.
First off, feelings are valid. Feelings are temporary. Feelings are fleeting when not reinforced. And feelings are not facts!
You are reinforcing and propping up the feedback loop of your wife’s narrative. Cleave that!
When you say “things would be fine”, what do you mean by that? Likely something along the lines, that you feel your marriage would be fine or ok. Again, “feel”.
The rational truth. It takes two to make a marriage. Only one to break it. Even if you had none of these “W professed” flaws, she’d have likely still did what she did. Her feelings, her responsibility. Her choice, her path. She chose to cheat. You didn’t force her to it.
Stop drinking her poison!
Originally Posted by aphexx13
I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability so i was only bringing in 60% of my salary so that caused a strain on our finances.
Be accurate. What causes a strain on finances is spending more than you can afford. And that is as a couple. For richer or poorer; in sickness and in health. I’m sure you remember something along those lines. Each of you two promised and vowed to help each other (and self) to the benefit of the union.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
although my wife didnt help by getting her hair dyed every 3 months that cost 300$ and her nails every month.
Is she helping? Doing her part?
Self loathing really piles on the blame. Ensure you hold yourself accountable and responsible for only your half/part.
Brining in 60% of your previous salary. This is less than the 40% shortfall it appears. With lower income tax, lower income tax bracket, gas saved from not commuting, saving cost of restaurants meals not consumed, work clothing, union dues, and other work related expenses; it’s more like 80-90% of your previous after tax income.
I retired last year and my pension is around the 60% mark of my work salary. My after tax monies is 93% of what I pulled in while working.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
I'm codependent and I'm not ambitious enough right now because since my back injury i had to go on long term disability…
Split these apart. Remove the justifications/reason.
Codependent. Not ambitious enough.
No “and”. And no “because”.
Look into your codependence. And work on it. This is well within your control and abilities. Make a change to the better. Do not muddy it up by tying it into finances and other stuff.
Ambition. That strong desire to achieve something.
Most struggle with ambition because they don’t “feel” it.
Achieving lofty goals, heck achieving goals, requires determination and hard work. Period. Life hacks, short cuts, the easy way, are all BS! True sincere meaningful achievement of goals comes from true sincere meaningful work and input.
That commitment, that determination, is not fostered in a feeling. Because, say it with me , feelings are fleeting. Any determination fostered by feelings will also be just as fleeting.
Ambition, and its underpinning determination, are rooted in one’s deep convictions. One’s values. One’s beliefs.
To be blunt, most of societal pressures and social media propaganda is eroding people’s values and convictions in hard work and achievement from such.
Reaching a goal through one’s effort is so very rewarding. Believe that. And I mean that literally. Really, believe in that. Find your convictions in such a tenet. And follow it.
Ambition has many obstacles in the emotional realm. Feelings of procrastination and such. Let those flit. Don’t reinforce them. You control your thoughts and actions, which will influence, overwrite, those feelings.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
that put me in a deep depression because i could no longer do physical labor and if i wanted to work again i had to start over and take some courses in computers. starting over at 52 is very scary and im not sure if i would even make it in the computer field.
Financial strain is one trigger of your depression. Realize it is not the “cause”. Just as marital strife, marital status, is not a “cause” of depression.
Depression is a persistent mental state of low mood and aversion to activity. It affects one’s thoughts, their activities, their feelings, it drags them down. While within its clutches it is difficult to find or feel joy or happiness.
The cause of depression is basically loss. And loss is a big field. Loss of marriage, employment, health, status, definition of self, ability to perform what one used to, etc. You’ve got a lot on your plate. Be gentle with yourself. It’s normal to grieve such losses. And depression is a part of that process.
Do realize, depression takes as along as it takes. One doesn’t just snap out of it. Lots of well meaning friends/family/folks may give all manner of advice, yet if one hasn’t been there, hasn’t walked a mile in the shoes, they just don’t get it.
Like I said. It’s a slog. Day by day. Hour by hour.
One day, you will realize something truly amazing. And I mean that in the truest sense of that word. Amazing!
One day, you will hear a bird sing. You will see color. See and hear, again, and somehow for the first time.
You won’t feel it coming. You won’t see it coming. Just one day, you’ll realize that you feel differently. A bit better somehow. And the positivity continues. You’ll climb out of the hole.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i felt like a failure and my confidence dropped in myself which isn't an attractive feature. right now i wish i wasnt me.
Been there.
Depression darkens and colors one’s world gray.
Bird’s song. So beautiful. Such a melody. The color of the sky, the most amazing blue. The leaves, are the most incredible green when they burst forth after a long winter. It was there all along, yet unseen and unheard.
Have faith. You will emerge from this present state. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Starting over is usually seen as scary because we feel we are starting over from scratch, from square one. The truth is we aren’t. Divorce, career, whatever - one is starting over with experience.
At 52, you have a lifetime of experience. Yes, I know and remember, how all that experience is not presently at your fingertips, and is hard to recall or utilize. Gosh, I felt like such an imposter in my life and career after BD. Have faith, that’s is a temporary state. It all comes back!
And you are crafting some truly valuable experience right now. It will pay dividends you simply do not yet realize.
Let go the fear, and look beyond.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
counseling went well today. we are starting to dig into my codependency and unhealed child hood wounds of abandonment. before i met my wife i took 6 years off from dating to work on my boundaries and confidence. my daughters mom who is either a narcissist or sociopath really did a number on me. so after that i decided to work on myself which lasted 6 yrs. i ended up with really good boundaries and regained self confidence. i got on a dating site and the first person i choose was my wife. she was very different in the beginning and i saw no red flags. after a year they started to appear but i let them slide because i thought it was her clinical depression. i think i allowed my boundaries to slide because my core wounds were never dealt with. i eventually lost most of my self confidence especially after i became disabled. i felt like i let my family down by not being able to provide as well as i was before. i talked it out today with my councilor today that becoming disabled wasnt my fault and i was still bringing in money and i had a plan in action to take online courses in computers. i was in limbo with not knowing if i should stay on disability while applying for social security. i wasnt happy with the thought of being on disability for the rest of my life. my wife knew how depressed and unhappy my situation was with staying on disability.
my long term disability company offered free resources for online courses. i started taking the courses at the end of last year. we were struggling last december with finances and i was stressing about how we were going to give the kids a decent Christmas. i told my wife i was going to put my online courses on hold untill the first week of January because i couldnt concentrate with the stress about money and i didnt want to fail the course. this was one of the reasons my wife gave me for the divorce. she said i wasnt being serious about taking the courses to help us get out of debt. my councilor said that was just a excuse because i still had a plan of action and the courses weren't going to provide a job immediately.
another puzzling thing is last week my wife brought the divorce papers home but never gave them to me and took them back to work. she didnt know i saw them.
, feelings are fleeting. Any determination fostered by feelings will also be just as fleeting.