well i made it another day. i see my councilor monday. i was so ready to leave last night but my daughter keeps me strong. any advice on how to deal with the feelings of her being with another man? i tend to obsess over things so im stuck in a negative loop.
You have to stay busy. Sitting and stewing is a recipe for failure.
What are you doing to keep yourself occupied?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now. she went on her date last night with this new guy. she told me she was out with her girlfriend but i know better. she did come home which surprised me because she was going to spend the night. she didnt seem that happy when she got home and she ended up sleeping the whole day. shes been texting this guy right in front of me all day. shes all happy and couldnt be better. meanwhile im on oxygen taking blood thinners from my blood clot in my lung not to mention i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.
any advice on how to deal with the feelings of her being with another man? i tend to obsess over things so im stuck in a negative loop.
Detachment is when your emotions are no longer uncontrollably dragged around by W’s words, behaviours, and/or actions.
The key things here is uncontrollably. You will still feel hurt and sorrow, just not uncontrollably. You will be able to exert influence and control over self and your outlook.
You are correct, this getting dragged around is amplified from the feedback loop. Interrupt the loop, and you get some peace. Break the loop, and you find detachment and eventually indifference.
How?
First off, a few underpinnings or foundation which upon you build.
You have four realms or paths: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual.
You can only control you. Your thoughts, actions, and reactions. That’s it. Three things. Everything else is only influenced.
Now, the physical realm is directly controllable. You can directly take ownership of your actions and reactions to stimulus or intention. You can choose to do or do not.
The intellectual realm is likewise directly controllable. Your thoughts. You can control them. You can steer them. The intellectual realm is also devoid of feelings. This is a land of logic and reason. Of language. Of rationalization. Very important to realize this.
The emotional realm is where your feelings are born, reside, and extinguish. This is not directly controllable. Your subconscious rules this realm. Feelings are temporary. Feelings are quick to rise and quick to extinguish. Feelings are fleeting, unless they are reinforced.
The spiritual realm is your stronghold of your beliefs, values, and convictions. These tenets of your’s do not change quickly. This landscape is slowly alterable. When one gets their values organized and straightened out, they make excellent headings for life and life’s decisions. (Unlike following fleeting feelings.)
Interestingly, language. It is difficult to describe emotions or beliefs or faith. The intellectual realm, language is easy. The others not so much. As an example, it takes a lot to describe forgiveness or love; and we still don’t quite capture the true essence of it.
Only your physical and intellectual paths are directly consciously controllable. That is not to say that that other influences and interactions do not hold sway. If you touch a hot stove, your reflexes pull back your hand before you think to it. Your emotional realm can and does affect your physical realm/self.
Likewise your emotions affect your thinking and your beliefs. Although, a lone feeling will extinguish far too quickly to alter your beliefs. However, long term repeated feelings - rise, reinforcement, extinguishing, and resurrection - of feelings will affect one’s convictions.
Beliefs also affect and have a profound deep influence upon all the other paths. When one is calm enough to listen.
Basically, all four paths interact and subconsciously influence each other. At various rates and strengths.
Back to control. Thoughts, actions, and reaction. Two paths: Physical and Intellectual. With those two controllable paths you can affect and direct and influence your journey and healing.
A quick example of how your control can influence your subconscious self/paths:
Smile.
Do it. A nice big smile. Curve your lips way up. Show some teeth too.
Relax,
Good.
Now, frown.
Deep pouting frown. Really drawn down the edges of your mouth. Furrow your brow as well.
Relax.
Good.
When you smiled you felt better. Even some happiness.
When you frowned you felt sad.
You directly controlled your actions, which in turn influenced and altered your emotional state.
Notice how quickly your feelings sparked to life when smiling and how quickly that feeling extinguished when you stopped smiling. Feelings are incredibly fleeting, when not reinforced.
If look closely you will also see that your thoughts are likewise influence by your physical actions. Smiling/positive action begets positive thoughts. Negative begets negative. Such is influence.
Your intellectual realm is your kingship in all this. You can directly control it, and even easily influence it. Logic and reason. Devoid of emotions. Your thoughts. Your intellect.
This is the biggest part of letting go / detaching - rationalizing. Everyone requires a certain amount of rationalizing, of understanding, before they will let go. Perfectly normal. And it takes time and purposeful effort.
However, some things respond well to head on, and others to a more sideways approach. Breaking that feedback loop is one of the “best to come at it sideways” things.
That loop is your feelings. Your emotions. This is a significant fact. Do not gloss over it. They are your emotions. No one else’s. In fact, anything you feel, is your’s. And therefore you own it, you have responsibility for it. And you can therefore influence it.
Emotional ownership is unfortunately not widespread or widely promoted. It’s commonplace for folks to blame their feelings on the actions of others. What a crock! Oh, they said a something I don’t agree with, so I can get mad and make a scene. Nope, that person is just emotionally immature. Social media is full of such feedback and promoting. All of which is programming society.
Well, you know better. And that is a necessary step in anything - seeing, understanding. Any change or project or whatever, the first step is imagination. You have to be able to envision what it is you’re striving for. Detachment. Ownership over self.
So, dealing with theyour feelings of her being with another man.
It’s a bit sideways and bit frontal assault and a lot of shift your focus on to that which you control.
Focus on you. GAL. Do something. (Remember how the smile affected you.) Exercise is a really good thing by the way. Loads of feel good chemicals, helps your health, and promotes better sleep.
Oh yes, I do promote good nights sleeps. Terrible nights sleeps compound and summate upon each other.
Control your thoughts. I know we all blame ourselves at the beginning. Rationalize this. Like why would we take on such blame? Your W’s choice has little to nothing to do with you. Seriously.
Just like how your feelings are your’s. Her feelings are her’s. She is responsible for how she feels. Sure she blames and projects upon you. All us LBS get that from our spouses. Thing is, you just ain’t that powerful. You cannot control her. Nor control what she feels. No one can control what someone else feels.
Rationalize.
You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
Let go.
The loop is trigger, feeling, coupled to an event or place, which in turn triggers and repeats. The coupling of triggered feeling to some basically non-related event or place is the heart of unhealthy attachment. The heart of why we get dragged around. Rationalize and uncouple it. Thus breaking the loop, and finding detachment.
Along with that, one focuses on themselves and that which they do control. They do things. All of which lessens and interrupts the reinforcement of the hold and strength of that non-rational coupling.
Do not wander down memory lane looking at old pictures and such. You’ll get lost and reinforce your pain and anguish. Control the self. Put all that away.
You can take pictures down of the walls. So they are not staring at you and your subconsciousness.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now.
It normal to feel like that.
However, control. Don’t reinforce those subconscious feelings. Their influence upon you does not serve you.
Originally Posted by aphexx13
i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.
Yep, it’s not fair.
At the moment, W is excited for her new shinny life and would literally step over you to get it.
My XW drop her bomb at Thanksgiving supper. After supper and just before pumpkin pie, she stood up and announced to me, our four kids (and future DIL), and my parents that she was leaving. That she had a boyfriend. That I was to have sole custody - “DnJ you get the house, the cars, and the kids. Unless you don’t want them then I guess I’ll have to take them”.
In an instant, it was sheer pandemonium around the table. So many reactions. I was utterly shocked. My Dad, two of my sons, the GF (now DIL), became angry. Like, furious angry! My other son had breathing problems and went outside. My daughter was shocked and crying. My Mom was sitting stunned.
No warning. No talks. No incline of this bombshell from W. In fact, we had an excellent T-day full of fun and games. W and I held hands, even sat side by side, leg to leg, when all nine of us were playing cards.
Two and a half hours after her grand announcement, W walked into the darkness, down our 1400 foot lane to OM’s waiting car.
She burnt her life down around her. Tossed her own children aside like they were old clothes. In the days that followed she returned to pick up a few things. The teen and adult kids were crying and wanting hugs and explanations. W, literally, straight armed them out of her way.
Believe me, I know the horrible pain and torture of betrayal. I wanted to die! I even came close to doing it. Really close.
A hurt psyche manifests actual pain in one’s chest. Hence, heartbreak. My heart/chest hurt. Ceaselessly. Oh my, it felt like it would never end.
I read so much here. And read over and over, from so many folks who came before - you will survive this. You will get past the pain. And it’s true!
I’m 6 1/2 years post BD. I have peace and contentment. And I know and empathize with how dark it currently seems.
Focus on you.
Read, do a puzzle, crossword, whatever physical activity you can handle in your current medical condition.
Rationalize.
Realize you are not alone. Reach out for help. A friend. Family. Doctor. Help line.
Stay strong aph.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
D, I had no idea this was the story of your DDay. I recall looking for your history when I first joined but I think your old threads had been hidden.
I now have a small bit of insight into why your advice seems so profound: you have walked through fire. My God man - I cannot imagine. I have dealt with the pain of my sitch which at times felt endless but I cannot imagine a shock like that.
Aphexx - I hope you take from this post what I did. That feelings are fleeting and will pass, both the good and the bad. And just like the good feelings we all once felt with our spouses have passed so too will the bad ones we must endure now. The cheat code for that process is getting busy. I went skydiving last weekend and I'll tell you something: I was not thinking of W as I was falling to earth at one thousand feet every five seconds. That's an extreme example, but it also applies to reading a book. Hard to think about anything else when you're mind is being occupied.
my counseling session went well i broke down a lot during. we worked on my childhood which is the reason im attracted to distant women and why i feel like i have to be perfect in a relationship or i will be left. weird thing happened tonight my wife came home in a good mood spent a few hrs upstairs making a play list on Spotify to share with her new man so they could listen to music together and text. she came downstairs for dinner fine and went back upstairs once the kids went to bed. a few minutes ago she was laying in bed in the dark on her phone and was very snappy with me. i asked her if i did something wrong and she said no im just emotional and it sounded like she was about to cry. i left her alone because she said she wanted to be alone. im trying to detach but i still love her.
Is it wrong of me to want my wife to be miserable like i am right now. she went on her date last night with this new guy. she told me she was out with her girlfriend but i know better. she did come home which surprised me because she was going to spend the night. she didnt seem that happy when she got home and she ended up sleeping the whole day. shes been texting this guy right in front of me all day. shes all happy and couldnt be better. meanwhile im on oxygen taking blood thinners from my blood clot in my lung not to mention i feel like dying from the depression and betrayal. i doesnt seem fair.
I may have missed it, but how old are your kids, and are they around when she's out all night and sleeping the next day?
Obviously, like everyone else has said, you need to seek mental health. Go see your family doctor and get on an anti depressant or anti anxiety med.
The level of blatant disrespect this woman has for you and your children is downright despicable. You cannot continue to tolerate this. And when she seemed mad, you asked her if YOU did something wrong? It's time for you to find your manhood. The next time she goes out with some guy, throw everything she owns out on the street and change the locks.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
While your sitch feels like a personal catastrophe (it is) there is a blueprint to much of what is happening with your W, which means there is also a blueprint for your behavior. It might not turn things around in your MR but it will save you a lot of agony and heartache.
