10 days ago, my wife told me "I don't know if I can do this anymore", packed some clothes and went to her parent's house.
We have been married for 11 years and are both in our 30's. Our relationship has mostly been amazing. The last year and a half has been challenging with her slowly pulling away.
My initial reaction to her announcement was shock. It completely blindsided me and I started shaking and crying, pleading her to stay and give us another chance (I know, big mistake!).
I am currently staying in our home, by myself (we do not have kids). Mornings and evenings are the hardest. I am not sleeping, barely eating and waking up in our bed by myself every single day is excruciating. I do not have any family in this country, so I am all alone.
During the three following days, we saw each other and had a good long discussion. She told me that she had love for me but was probably no longer "in love" with me. I acknowledged and apologized for all the things she said had been frustrating her more and more.
She is very social, I am an introvert. I admitted I should have made more effort to meet her in the middle. I was very adamant that I was willing to go to therapy, work on myself and our relationship. She said she wished she could believe me but wasn't sure she wanted to give me another chance. She ultimately kept saying she needed "time and space".
Now here's the thing. She has been hanging out more and more with a male friend over the last couple of months. I brought up to her that it made me uncomfortable but she reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. I think she's been having an emotional (hopefully) affair with the guy.
I want to get my wife back. I am devastated. I am mourning the loss of the person I once knew and have shared so many memories with. The past 10 days have undoubtedly been the hardest of my entire life. The emotional and physical stress this has taken on me is indescribable. I am a shell of the person I once was.
I am slowly realizing that I have been co-dependent on her emotionally. I am a very sensitive person and although most people couldn't tell, I have anxiety and confidence issues and she was my rock. I want to say that I have also been hers many many times. Losing my emotional support, my spouse, my partner overnight has been completely debilitating. We had always been extremely close, both physically and mentally, so the abrupt change has been a total shock.
We were also making projects for the future just a week or two prior to her leaving.
While she has expressed not wanting to hurt me and has checked in a me a couple of times, she has been fairly cold and distant. The way she looks at me has changed.
After day 4, I made the decision to go no contact. I told her I was available if she needed me but that I needed to focus on myself. She replied that she understood and was also available if I needed her.
I know the chances may be slim, but I am hoping she has a moment of clarity and realize what she is throwing away. I want to try and do everything in my power to regain her respect, trust and love. I know it starts with doing a 180, focusing on myself and emotionally detaching from her, but it is HARD!
Today, she texted me asking if she could come over to pick up some more stuff.
I am strongly considering going back home to my country for the holidays even though I know it will be hard because we have so many memories there together
Any advice on how to handle myself, the situation and how to maximize my chances of saving my marriage would be appreciated.
Looking forward to interacting with the community for some much needed support!
Welcome! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome Thread. Please read all of the links and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
If she comes over to pick up some belongings, be in another room and find something to do. Treat her like a roommate who is moving out. Do not ask her anything. If she wants you to know something, she will tell you. I know that this is very, very difficult right now, but you will survive and you will get stronger as time rolls along. Be kind and patient with yourself. You are going to make some mistakes along the way, but all you need to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start again. For now, keep the focus on you. Take care of yourself. I would go to your country for the holidays and leave her here to miss what she once enjoyed.
Final thing....breathe!
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize posters’ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forum’s display.) A moderator will “close” your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other people’s thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’d happily wager $1000 she’s having an affair. That is the reality here.
Go through recent posts from the last few years. Nearly every LBS who comes here eventually discovers an affair.
Forget winning her back. She’s emotionally checked out, and she needs to work out for herself that staying with you is the right decision. There’s no way you can talk, act or convince her that she’s making a mistake.
What you really need to do is win YOURSELF back. The biggest challenge for the next two years will be to rebuild your self-love, self worth and confidence.
You said how you’re a gentle man and co-dependent on her. This is a very common theme at this site. Women say they want emotionally available men who are sympathetic and in touch with their feelings, but they divorce those sort of men at incredibly high rates.
Your best chance of winning her back is becoming strong. Every day you beg or plead or behave like losing her is the end of your happiness, she will be repulsed by you and move further away.
If she sees you thriving, becoming confident and almost happy to see the back of her, she will question her decision and think she’s giving up something good.
Best move you can make from here on; 1. Read DB boom several times, front to back 2. Throw her stuff to the curb and tell her she’s not coming back to the house 3. Zero contact 4. Help with your mental health to be reborn as a confident, outgoing and single man
This is a 3-5 year minimum commitment while she has her mid life crisis affair. You’ll need a lot of staying power, and you’ll also need to acknowledge that it’s likely by the time she wakes up and realises what she has lost, you’ll likely despise her and not want her back anyway.
I’m so sorry mate. There isn’t a person here who doesn’t know how much it hurts. If nothing else, this site can offer understanding and compassion. You must feel like your whole heart has been ripped out.
Millions of people have been through this. While it feels like your life is ending, know that you’re going to be okay. Hugs!
Also, get a sleep app, start three new hobbies, and get a dog.
They’re called men’s best friend for a reason. Will give you purpose (daily walks and training), gives you a happy reason (rather than sad memories) to return to your house each day, and comfort at night when lonely.
Thank you all for the support and kind words, it is helping a lot!
She came over. I was distant and did not talk to her, until she asked if we could talk. She was already asking about next steps. The house, assets, etc... Her cold demeanor is what still shocks me the most. It's like we were never in love, never a couple, never shared anything.
I said, I was likely going to go away for the next month or so and that I needed to take some time away to reflect on everything. She was OK with it and said she wasn't trying to rush anything.
When I said I probably won't see you again before I leave she started crying and asked if we could hug. I politely declined and said I hope she finds what she's looking for.
It hurt like hell but I held it together. It's still completely surreal to me that my wife seems gone. I guess it somehow made it slightly easier. It was like a different person was in front of me.
I'm rambling, but I have no one else to talk to at the moment, so it feels therapeutic. I'm not sure how to process all of my emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety, confusion, anger. It's all too much in such a short timespan
She came over. I was distant and did not talk to her, until she asked if we could talk. She was already asking about next steps. The house, assets, etc... Her cold demeanor is what still shocks me the most. It's like we were never in love, never a couple, never shared anything.
I said, I was likely going to go away for the next month or so and that I needed to take some time away to reflect on everything. She was OK with it and said she wasn't trying to rush anything.
When I said I probably won't see you again before I leave she started crying and asked if we could hug. I politely declined and said I hope she finds what she's looking for.
Wow. Just wow!
You played that like an absolute boss. Text book DBing.
The key to your success is making decisions with your brain and not your emotions. Some people can do that better than others. As a beaten down, emotional man - you’re used to making decisions to try and keep her happy.
You need to ignore those instincts. Generally, the angrier she is the better you are DBing.
You will have slip ups, where you’ll get teary or say something about still loving her. That’s completely normal. Inevitably, you will feel rubbish and regretful afterwards.
Therapy can help you with making decisions with the reasoning part of your brain, and not with the fight/flight reflex or emotional part of your brain.
Stay strong. It’s most definitely the best way forward.
I've been mostly OK today. For the first time since BD 10 days ago I felt like I had finally reached acceptance, but I knew it wouldn't last.
This evening I am getting hit with a wave of nostalgia, remembering the person I have shared so many memories with, including our silly moments and the side of her personality that only I know. I miss my partner in crime and best friend The sudden switch in her personality towards me is soul crushing.
Any suggestions on how to deal with emotional setbacks? I can't help but hold on to hope that someday that person will come back to me.
Thank you all for letting me rent and providing feedback and support!
I've been mostly OK today. For the first time since BD 10 days ago I felt like I had finally reached acceptance, but I knew it wouldn't last.
This evening I am getting hit with a wave of nostalgia, remembering the person I have shared so many memories with, including our silly moments and the side of her personality that only I know. I miss my partner in crime and best friend The sudden switch in her personality towards me is soul crushing.
Any suggestions on how to deal with emotional setbacks? I can't help but hold on to hope that someday that person will come back to me.
Thank you all for letting me rent and providing feedback and support!
The emotional feelings are normal... make space to grief the loss. Do this in private or with close friends. Do NOT do this with your w.
The setback happens when you act on them by sending a "miss you" text or by trying to nice your way back.
Stay the course. She has fired you as her husband. Treat her as a stranger. Not overly friend, yet not rude. Not willing to help her with her issues yet not punishing her either.
One day at a time... sometimes one hour at a time.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. Having the rug pulled out from under you is quite a shock. And I well know how devastating it all feels. Hang in there.
Have you read Divorce Remedy by MWD? It’s a really good resource. Highly recommended.
Do keep the DBing books, site, and techniques close to your chest. Do not tell W. She will see it as insincere manipulation in an attempt to win her back. Best to keep all this to yourself.
Originally Posted by broken89
I know the chances may be slim, but I am hoping she has a moment of clarity and realize what she is throwing away. I want to try and do everything in my power to regain her respect, trust and love. I know it starts with doing a 180, focusing on myself and emotionally detaching from her, but it is HARD!
Yes, it is very hard!
This path is highly counterintuitive. It will feel wrong.
Originally Posted by broken89
Any advice on how to handle myself, the situation and how to maximize my chances of saving my marriage would be appreciated.
Focus on you. Make changes, for you! That way those changes are permanent. GAL.
Realize before W can have any moment(s) of realization of what she is throwing away, she needs to feel it. To feel the loss.
Time and space. Give her plenty of each. Let her feel it.
W will be projecting upon you, and justifying her leaving by your actions. When she starts to feel doubts she will bait you into arguments and such to resupply her “reasoning”. Do not take the bait. And no R-talks!
Time and space. Minimize the target she is painting upon you. In time, hopefully, W will realize that “hey, b89 hasn’t been bothering me lately and I’m still unhappy.” Then, with some luck, she will consider/realize that you aren’t cause and she will look inward.
Giving time and space is within your power. Within your control.
DBing will save you, and gives you the best chance at saving your marriage.
Originally Posted by broken89
Any suggestions on how to deal with emotional setbacks?
You bet.
Realize setbacks are perfectly normal and healthy. In my view, setbacks are misnamed. We have to revisit, to re-feel, as we move forward and heal. So setbacks are actually forward movement.
Finding detachment is the single best thing you can do for yourself. Detachment is when your emotions are no longer uncontrollably dragged about by W’s words and/or behaviours. You will still feel, just not uncontrollably. You will be able to exert influence upon your emotions.
Do feel your emotions. Find safe secure times and places to feel your pain, loss, anger, grief, and so on. Lean into them. Let them wash over you. Embrace your feelings, and release them.
Feelings are fleeting, unless reinforced. Let them flit.
The more you embrace and feel, the more you rationalize your feelings. The more you rationalize, the more you cleave/uncouple those triggers, and events, and associated feelings. Less triggering, yields more influence and control, which yields less emotional setbacks. All positive emotional growth.
When first starting out, this is all very difficult and quite out of control. Don’t fret. Perfect normal. Keep at it. In time you will get better and better.
I look forward to speaking with you.
Hang in there.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I never realized how big of an epidemic this situation is becoming: 'unhappy' wives leaving their husbands. There are literally tens of thousands of articles, message board posts, podcasts, videos, etc of this exact thing. And yes, it's sometimes (but rarely) men that up and leave.
As Kind said, it's a guarantee that she is having an affair. Even if it's not physical (yet), it will be soon.
As hard as it is, now is not the time to reminisce about all the good times. You need to focus 100% of your thoughts and energy on you, and your direction moving forward. Fortunately you don't have kids together, so that will make things like 'no contact' a lot easier.
Stay strong and move forward with purpose.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
