Hi I'm new to the MLC thread. I'm just looking for other people that understand what I'm going through. I feel like friends and family roll their eyes, like yeah right when u try to explain what is happening. They want to man bash and I'm not for that. Even though hurtful things have been said and done I feel like H is just as confused by all of this as I am. My BD was Sept. 11, 2022, 2 days after his 51st bday. We have been married 31yrs, I've been with H since I was 15yrs old. Weeks after the BD he was so irrational like a chicken with his head cut off, opening up separate acts, looking for second jobs, walking around with 2 cell phones hanging out with a 25yr old co-worker, smoking pot, drinking. October he filed for an online divorce, as if I was gonna sign that...SMH He would have rage some nights, calm/emotional some nights just all over the place. November 28th I came home from working 16hrs to find an empty apartment, he had moved everything out. I had no place to go as our apartment was tied to his job. Thank God for BFF'S she put a camper in her backyard and I have lived here for a yr now. I have probably done every "Dont" in this situation. I have begged, pleaded, bought gifts, paid his car payment, conjugal visits, I have probably done stuff not on the list, I pray it hasn't pushed him so far away that there is no return. He had quadruple bypass in January, I was wondering how that effects what he is already going through???? If anybody might knowđ Also would like to know if their person's eyes were dark like they have no soul???? There is no communication and hasn't been since August 2023. Wondering if this is part of the withdrawal phase??? September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything. I don't want this and I didn't choose it. I'm still believing for a miracle and praying he snaps out of it. I feel like at times I am crazy, I just want him to wake up.
Welcome to the boards. I certainly do understand your wanting and wishing to find folks who understand, and to be rather bold - more importantly to find folks who know and have lived what you are going through and experiencing. That eye rolling is a very common reception from the uninitiated to hearing about a midlife crisis and its horrible devastation. Most people's only information is the almost comical Hollywood version and characterization in which a man struggles, cheats, and gets a red sports car. The truth is very much, not that.
I am glad you started a thread here in the MLC section of the site. Lots of posters do start out in newcomers, though that's not some rule or anything, just a starting a point is all. And with your situation perhaps the MLC section will better suit your needs. (By the way, your thread can be moved if in the future you feel it better suited elsewhere, you need just ask me. I found this forum stuff all rather overwhelming when I made my first post, so no worries.) No matter where you hang your hat, there are plenty of kind compassion folks here with much hard-earned wisdom.
I will paste a copy of Cadet's Welcome Thread below for your reference. There are quite a few links to a trove of good and useful information. Some homework for you.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Also would like to know if their person's eyes were dark like they have no soul????
Oh my yes. Those lifeless dark shark eyes are a pretty commonplace feature of a person in crisis.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
There is no communication and hasn't been since August 2023. Wondering if this is part of the withdrawal phase???
In reference to MLC, the withdrawal stage occurs after replay has runs its course. The typical six stages: Denial, Anger, Replay, Depression, Withdrawal, and Acceptance.
A few things. A midlife crisis explodes as one's long ago trauma(s) are unearthed. These traumatic events usually happened to the MLCer when they were very young and emotional immature, and perpetrated from someone in a position of authority. The very person suppose to protect and nurture.
A youngster does not have well developed coping mechanisms and cannot reconcile their trauma(s), and as such the child buries their pain; for it's the only thing they know to do. And things buried alive will come back to haunt. At midlife, 40-60, is a time of life's reflection. At midlife those demons will no longer remain silent.
MLC exploding is really from our, the LBS (left behind spouse) point of view. To us, that bomb drop, is the beginning. However, the crisis actually starts with the MLCer's denial. Many months before BD a small ceaseless feeling starts inside them. Slowly it grows. Ever constant. Ever persistent. My wife, post BD, told me she thought she was going crazy. She had such confusion and depression. She cried all the time. And she hid it from everyone. Such is denial.
Two of the main hallmarks of MLC are confusion and depression. Do realize, MLC is emotionally driven. MLC is not rational. A MLCer will not listen to, nor heed rational logical reasoning. They will, and do, try all kinds of running behaviors in a futile effort to end their torment and unwanted feelings, and their oddly juxtaposed simultaneous numbness. Depression is ever present, it is the most basic underlying fuel for their crisis.
A MCLer cannot handle being wrong. They truly cannot. They will blame and project upon their spouse, their kids, whomever and whatever they have to. They will craft, and do believe, their narratives to support and justify their new life. It's bewildering to witness.
Bomb drop is usually the start of the replay stage. This is when the MLCer tries to relive what they feel they missed out on. They become the complete opposite of who they once were. And this stage lasts, well it lasts as long as it needs to. And that time is measured in years. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
Anyhow, I do empathize and understand. I've seen some truly horrendous behaviors first hand.
Do focus on you.
Give H plenty of time and space.
The seeds of MLC were planted far in H's past.
In time, and with good fortune, H will someday realize that he is still unhappy and Whatlee hasn't really been around. Then, with even more good fortune, H would then consider that maybe his unhappiness has nothing to do with you and he starts to look inward.
A MLCer is on a journey we thankfully were not invited upon. They have to traverse it. And once started they have to finish it. Nothing you do can stop it. Nothing you do can speed it up. At best, any efforts would be neutral, the more usual outcome is just prolonging of the crisis. The MLCer needs to discover his hidden trauma. You didn't break him, therefore you cannot fix him. The best you can do is time and space. (((Hug)))
I look forward to conversing with you.
DnJ
- - - -
Welcome to the board.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by Michele Weiner-Davis. The following link is the first chapter:
Once your registration to the site has been completed you can post and start a thread. Please have only one thread active at a time (per forum); it keeps your situation organized and is easier for those following along and posting to you. There are a few forums which help categorize postersâ situations.
When your thread reaches 100 posts, it will be time for you to start a new thread. It is a good idea to link your old thread to your new one, and even link the new one back to the previous one. That makes it easier for the folks following your story. (There is a help thread on linking in the sticky threads at the top section of the forumâs display.) A moderator will âcloseâ your full thread which prevents further posting to it. It is still available to read.
Post in small frequent replies on your thread. Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity can be very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Post on other peopleâs thread to give support.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Gosh, what a shock it would have been to come home to an empty apartment. Thank goodness your friend made available her backyard for you to park a camper.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I have probably done every "Dont" in this situation. I have begged, pleaded, bought gifts, paid his car payment, conjugal visits, I have probably done stuff not on the list, I pray it hasn't pushed him so far away that there is no return.
Yes, begging, pleading, and so on weâve all done it. You could twisting yourself into pretzel and no matter what you do it wonât be enough, because his pain is not about you.
You now know the folly of such pretzeling. Give H time and space. Leave him to a higher power. Let the man upstairs work upon his heart and soul.
And donât fret, youâve not pushed H too far away. His path is not of your control. H may, or may not, awaken from the crisis that has consumed him. What you can control is to become the best version of yourself. Regardless of H and his path. Become a woman only a fool would leave.
Divorce Busting techniques and strategies first and foremost save you, while also giving you the best chance at saving your marriage.
Take another read of DR and the last resort technique section. Thatâs the idea here. You let H burn through his feelings sans you. To give time and space for other feelings more helpful to your cause to surface within H. Feelings like grief, shame, regret, and such. Feelings that H is actively running from.
I know itâs difficult. Focus on you. GAL. Detach.
Give the lighthouse story in the welcome links a read. Thatâs an excellent solid foundation and way to shine your light.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
He had quadruple bypass in January, I was wondering how that affects what he is already going through?
A crisis brings forth great fears and realizations of oneâs mortality. Such a surgery would likely amplify those feelings and further their compulsion to run. For a few, I could see such major surgery could have the opposite affect, an awakening affect, the snapping them out of it. These kind of awakenings are very rare. And given Hâs surgery was back in January, and he continued running, Iâd say that didnât happen.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
Weeks after the BD he was so irrational like a chicken with his head cut off, opening up separate acts, looking for second jobs, walking around with 2 cell phones hanging out with a 25yr old co-worker, smoking pot, drinking.
Sounds like replay. A MLCer runs during this time. They try all kinds of stuff. Behaviours to feel what they feel they missed out on their first go around. Some running behaviours include spending, drinking, drugs, illicit and/or illegal activities, affairs, and so on.
Affairs are staggeringly common in these situations. Do realize all of these behaviours are mere symptoms of a crisis. The affair partner, if they exist, means nothing. They are a band-aid, a desperate attempt for the MLCer to feel better. Well, in truth, to feel less worse. Itâs an act of desperation.
Desperate people do desperate things.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything. I don't want this and I didn't choose it. I'm still believing for a miracle and praying he snaps out of it.
You are on two paths: There is the emotional and healing path. Your journey to becoming. Your journey to wholeness and healed. This is the bulk of your work.
The other path is the business side of all this. Divorce, separation, treat it like a business deal gone bad or sideways. For thatâs what it is.
Now, if you need financial protect or security then get it. Otherwise let H push his divorce forward. Let H own it.
Some MLCers spend little and some burn through the coupleâs entire lifeâs savings. Do keep watch of any still joint assets and liabilities. After a year, and Hâs hurried creating new accounts weeks after BD, and no house by the sounds of it, Iâm thinking financially you may be rather insulated from Hâs financial problems.
I do recommend posters speak to a lawyer early on. That is just for gathering information. After all, knowledge is power. And if their spouse changes course suddenly or ramps up proceedings, they are better prepared to respond.
Thatâs the nugget here. Let H drive his divorce. You donât place boulders on the path, yet you donât pave it in gold either. You take any formal proposals to your lawyer and then respond. Ensure you get a fair deal.
H has presented you a divorce proposal. Iâm glad you have a lawyer and are seeking legal counsel. This is the business side of things, keep emotions out of your decisions. Do whatâs logical and right for you. Treat it as business.
I understand you do not want to do any of this. And yes, you didnât choose this. You do control how you respond to it. Remember, you cannot nice him back. Pretzeling does not work. If H is pushing for a D, get the best deal you can. In fact, that is more likely to have a positive influence on H than not.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I feel like at times I am crazy, I just want him to wake up.
You are not crazy. You are entangled in Hâs strange behaviour and world. MLC is wild. I was quite dumbfounded when my W went off the rails.
These situations, the advice, is all rather counterintuitive at first. It will likely sound and feel wrong for a while. Have faith. Detach, let go, and step away from Hâs rollercoaster. Let him ride it without you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
All of this info has been very helpful and has made me feel better, hopeful. Should I continue to invite him to church? Or would that be pushing him away from church?
How does H respond when youâve previously invited him to join you? Does he attend church with you?
Generally, someone looking to âget awayâ will distance themselves from pursuit. This ramps up a lot higher for a person in crisis. They run from pressure. Emotional pressure. Things like relationship talks, invites, wanting to date, hold hands, etc.
Do more of what works, and less of what doesnât.
For example. Itâs ok to invite see if H would like to come along on a family picnic. Youâre going on the picnic whether H comes or not. All you are doing is letting him know you are going, and he is welcome to attend if he wants to.
Same for church, picking out Christmas tress, going to a birthday party, etc. And importantly, you donât âinviteâ him to everything you are doing. In fact, donât.
Whatever his response is - doesnât matter. What I mean is, expectations. Dial your expectations down to zero regarding H. He might tag along, he might blow up, he might ignore you. Whatever. You keep moving forward, and go about your life. Leave him to God. Let H be mad, or sad, or angry, or such. He has a lot of depression and torment to work through, let him brood.
Unmet expectations create resentments. If you were to invite H to something. And you deep down expect him to say yes (or even no), and he does the opposite, you will resent it, and him. Resentment builds. And eats away like acid at a relationship. Another reason for giving plenty of time and space, and letting go.
Like I alluded to above with âor even noâ. This resentment even occurs when you expect H do something negative and he surprises you and does something positive. The aforementioned example. Invite to picnic, while you truly expect H to say no. Then he actually says yes. (What?!? Of all the $#%. Every time I ask he says no! And now this time he say yes. WTF. This guy is driving me crazy. Sheesh. I only asked to be polite. I have other plans. Arggg.) Keeping expectations dialled to zero takes some practice.
Hope vs expectations.
Itâs good to hope. Hope is timeless. Itâs when one ties a timeline or deadline on to hope that it becomes an expectation. Nothing kills hope let a deadline. Remember, unmet expectations lead to resentment. Hope is an incredible wellspring of strength and fortitude, and can be easily and unwittingly be poison by expectations.
Anyhow, back to your query.
H is not acting like a husband you deserve. He moved out all the furniture. Left you to live in a friendâs backyard. Over the past year he has still had some benefits, cake eating, conjugal visits. He has presented you with a petition for divorce. I suggest letting him be. No more invites.
H needs to feel the loss of you and the relationship. He needs to miss what he is throwing away, before he may turn back. Realize, in his mind, he has incorrectly demonize and blamed you and the relationship for all his ills and pains. In his fantasy narrative, H believes he will feel better if he gets away. And a fantasy needs a good strong dose of reality to break it. And even then, it is very difficult for the dreamer to smash through and awaken. Most folks, not just crisis folks, most folks donât want to wake up. Accountability and responsibility are seldom embraced and truly sought out.
How did you and your lawyer respond to Hâs divorce proposal? Was Hâs offer generous? Fair? Lopsided? Terrible?
Keep moving forwards. When needed, respond to Hâs legal proceedings. Other than that, let him be. No pressure. No R talks. No cake eating. No sitting around pinning for him. Focus on you. Live and love your life. Let him feel and hopefully realize what he is throwing away.
Standing is not standing still.
What are your plans regarding your living arrangements going into the future? Make plans for you!
Hope you have a wonderful day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
September 7th, two days before his bday I received divorce papers, they were generic but he paid an atty lots of money for them, they were basic. I guess he wasn't expecting me to afford an atty, and I couldn't but God has place the right people in my life at the right time and I have a guardian angel that paid for my atty. I needed to file a response within 30 days and he wasn't expecting me to be able to do that, if I wouldn't have he would have been divorced not giving me anything.
Just to clarify, you now have an atty and a response was filed with the courts?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yes I do have an atty and we have filed a response. That happened 2 wks ago and I haven't stressed it. My atty said his atty wants to settle, I told my atty to drag her feet, I wasn't in any hurry to settle.
DnJ His filing was basic, like somebody that may b just got married. Just your basic incompatibility BS they put in everbodys papers. He doesn't want to give me anything says he don't feel like he owes me anything. That I got everything he has/had during our 31yrs of marriage. My atty however is mean and I am letting her handle it. As far as my living arrangements, although living in a camper isn't ideal right now I can't afford too much else, gonna wait and see what happens with this divorce filing and see what I might can afford then.
Do not engage with your h about the divorce filing. Let the lawyers handle this. It's par for the course, that he doesn't want to give you anything. However, as his spouse, you should be getting part of whatever was accrued during the 31 years of marriage. Your lawyer will handle this for you.
Try to keep the focus on you. I know it is difficult to deal with, but you need to step outside the boxing ring and allow him to fight with himself and his demons.
The more you attempt to talk to him, the more he will dig his heels in.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't engaged and don't plan on it, gonna let my atty handle whatever comes my way legally. Very strange though, I was expecting a blow up when he got my response and he has done nothing....idk
When all of this 1st started the only way he would communicate with me was through email. Well we're back to emailing but I guess that's what his atty's have told him to do or are we going backwards????
Hi Whatlee, welcome and I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You are not alone and you will find so much support and info through these forums as well as some amazing advice from all the vets who have walked this path. It truly isnât for the faint hearted. I just want to say I am in a very similar place to you. My H BD a week before Christmas last year. And then itâs been one blow after the next.Initially I did everything wrong, begging crying, taking all the blame that he threw at me, doing 100% of everything with the kids to make his life easy etc. the more it went on the more research and reading I did and realised he was in a MLC. He is almost 49. Nobody believes me, nobody understands. Friends/family they just push you to hurry up and end the pain so they can feel better. They donât understand the crisis. They donât understand how the man you have known and loved and know better than anyone, has basically been abducted by an alien. Thatâs the easiest way I explain it. They do things that is not them. Selfish behaviour, no thought at all for anyone else. My H has become a recluse, drinks a lot, is constantly in sweatpants and often massive bouts of anger at me or the kids. I completely agree that unless someone has been through it they donât understand the full extent. They just brush it aside like itâs a Hollywood movie. I too can see the pain in my H eyes. His face and his eyes just look vacant, emotionally unavailable and just so very lost. He looks like he has aged 5 years too. I have never see him look so average. A man who always smelled amazing always took a lot of pride in his appearance, now sometimes doesnât even brush their teeth. It really is a sad state.
My advice is learn to detach from him and his actions. As women we often always put ourselves last. Always put our spouses first our kids first and forget about ourselves. Itâs time to put yourself first and leave him be. Let his wallow in his cave and hopefully he will find his way through. We canât help them. If we help them or try to drag them through it, they will just do this again in the future. They have made their bed now need to sleep in it. And sometimes their path is a long and tiring one.
I wish I had an amazing happy ending for you on my end. I donât. The recent developments is my H has decided to move overseas for a few years for a job and abandon me and the kids( he never would had ever done this in the past). So he is running. And I am not. I am rock solid here for my kids and for me. He needs to go live his reality and work himself out. We canât help them, we canât do anything for them other than be there for them when they emerge and decide for ourselves if we still have enough room in our heart. I am still mourning the loss of my real H, not this MLC one. The real one has gone. We all love the real version of them, the old version. These broken versions are not what we love or what is healthy for us. They canât have healthy relationships like this. It took me quite a while to drop the emotional rope. It goes against everything you feel. But once you drop it, you really can start to invest on yourself Keep posting and keep Asking for advice. Welcome to the worst roller coaster of your life. We will get through this and come out the other side much better stronger women
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I agree with the alien comment completely, I feel like I have lived in the twilight zone. My counselor told me this would b hard, I don't guess I realized how bad it would hurt. I am a firm believer in God and I want to have grace and let him direct my steps.
Weekends are always so hard. I have tons of friends but they have family and I usually spend the weekends by myself....IT [censored]. I have a hard time understanding how u can be with someone for 34yrs and just one day decide u don't love that person anymore, I just don't switch gears that fast.
Normal people do not switch gears light your h and our spouses have done. He began to transition into MLC about 12-18 months ago. It was a very subtle change. Please go back and think about what may have happened during that time period? Did he have a health scare? Did something happen in the family? What about work? Promotion, new job, added responsibilities, etc? Something always triggers the crisis. It just doesn't start up on it's own.
Now, I want you to think back then to what he may have said or exhibited around you? Any changes taking place, such as change in what foods he ate or drinks? Did he start changing the way he looked, i.e., haircuts, facial hair, dressing and his language? What about musical tastes? Many of them begin to show signs of changes that take them back in time to about 16-20. That is why I am asking all of these questions.
MLC doesn't happen over night....it takes months to get to the full blown crisis.
Hang in there and continue coming here to ask questions or bounce things off of us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel like the crisis may have started when he lost his job making really good money without a college degree, then got another one making the same kind of money and lost it 4 months later for the same reason he lost the 1st one. When he lost the job the 1st time, I was upset but I was like ok put your big girl britches on and do what u need to do. When he lost the job the 2nd time, I was angry and resentful, i was working 3 jobs and he was depressed. I didnt take into consideration how he felt or that it hurt him when he lost the job the 2nd time, i was just mad. I didn't feel like he was doing enough to help support us after that and we had to move out of a house that we all tremendously loved. I feel like at that point I had also started my own menopause, I didn't want him breathing the same air as me, touching me or even looking at me. He would say u look at me and I can see the hate in your eyes, I didnt hate him and I hate that I made him feel like I hated him, cause going through that now feeling like he hates me hurts. All of that happened after 2 surgical procedures one on his back at the end of 2018 and a hernia surgery at the beginning of 2019. Then of course 2020 and the pandemic happened.
Kinda did a timeliness this morn 2017-H had AW sending chest pics MIL moved in with us for a few months Son graduated HS H wrecked our car and got a DUI FIL passed away 2018-lost our house and moved H had back surgery end of yr 2019-H had hernia surgery while recouping from back surgery H lost his job My mom passed away H lost another job 2020-Pandemic Youngest son graduated HS Had to move 2021-uneventful 2022-September BD 2023-January H had quadruple bypass heart surgery
I think this crisis may have started in 2017, not sure maybe somebody on here can help with that. I just hope it's almost over.
Last edited by DnJ; 10/10/2306:39 PM. Reason: Deleted second posting and corrected date.
Quite a few triggers going on with your h. The crisis will take as long as it takes. There is no actual set timeline for when it ends. It all depends on him and if he can deal with his "internal demons" and heal from the emotional pain. Some will come through the crisis and return to the nomal selves, others will return to this world and continue to have some of the quirks they picked up along the way and others may never recover.
My xh's crisis began in late 1998 and he finally flew the coop in December 1999. We divorced in June 2002 and just last year, he finally woke up and apologized for destroying our marriage, etc. Of course, it was too late to try again. He was one of those that took forever and a day.
Try to remember that you will be the one who will decide if you want to try again, if and when he wakes up. Who knows? You just might have moved on by that time.
The stages and timelines you see written are just guidelines...nothing is set in stone because each person is unique and their crisis will be unique.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Like job said, a crisis will take as long as it takes.
Did your Hâs crisis start in 2017? The seeds for his crisis were planted long ago, back in his informative years. Events in Hâs life, his upbringing, all brought him to be susceptible to a crisis.
2017, and in the years after, are certainly rife with major life events. These events trigger dormant and unrealized inner childhood torments and pains. Those inner demons of his. So, in a way, his crisis started around 2017, as well as it started much much earlier.
Bomb drop is the overt emergence of a MLCerâs pain and running. Until BD, their torment and confusion is quite covert and hidden from the world. And they suffer in silence. This is not some self-flagellation, they are going so off the rails that they really do not know what is going on. They are embarrassed, confused, and have no mechanism for conversing about it.
Bomb drop is aptly named. They explode. Their ceaseless inner torment has reached critical mass. BD is usually the first real outward sign of things having gone majorly awry, and is mistakenly taken as the start, when in fact it all started years before.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My counselor said the same thing, she asked abt his childhood and from there came to the conclusion that he was in a mid life crisis. His childhood wasn't great some things he has told me but i believe there are probably things that happened to him that he hasn't told me. His grandfather and uncle were his best friends, they have both passed away and he really don't have any friends.đ˘ Really breaks my heart for him.
If you listen carefully, your h may tell on himself. Many of them like to talk and not be interrupted. They travel back in time to where they were emotionally stunted and then have to face those demons. If they can face them, they will then begin to move forward. They have to learn to accept that there were things totally out of their control and that they were not the blame for what transpired. Some parents validated one child other the other, a child may have been abandoned by one parent or even both. It is all about trauma that took place long ago.
Be patient, sit quietly and the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish I had known all of this information when he was talking to me, now we r back to communicating by email(that's the only way he would communicate when I was forced out) then he finally got to where he would text but now since he's filed papers it's back to emailing. I guess that's advice from his atty....idkđ¤ˇââď¸
It could be advice from his lawyer or he feels "safer" in texting. Texting is "safer" for them because they do not have to hear your voice, feel the emotion coming through your voice or see you. Whereas texting is just typing some words w/no emotion in them. If you text w/him, do not be quick in responding...wait a few hours before doing so and if he asks why you waited, just tell him that you have been busy. You do not want to come off as needy or sitting by the phone or computer waiting for him to contact you. Also, keep your emails business like. Think about what you are writing because he could very well be sharing the info with his lawyer. One more thing...unless it is an absolute emergency, do not initiate contact...leave that ball in his court.
The less distractions he has, the better so that he can focus on himself and healing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I gets easier everyday to not want to reach out to him. Having you guys to bounce stuff off of has been therapeutic. I look forward to reading yalls responses everyday. Like I said earlier friends/family don't understand, they all just assume it's his nature. I know it's not him, I love this man and have loved this man for 34yrs, I feel sorry for him but I can't help him. I just don't want a divorce, I'm believing for God to intervene. There is and has been way too many people praying abt this situation. The Bible says where 2 or more are joined in his name it shall be done. I stand on those words.
Yes, often friends and family do not understand whatâs going on. They donât see or live with it. And the MLCer wears a mask.
When the MLCer is out and about, they often hide themselves. Put on a mask and hide their inner pain and torment. And most of all, hide it from their self. The running behaviours keeping their attention upon anything other than that of their inner demons. Yet at night, when they lay in bed and running slows, those demons come forth and play.
It takes a lot of energy to maintain such a facade. A person in crisis is driven to their behaviour, driven beyond reason. They will expend incredible energies maintaining their fantasy, for they have to, they need to.
I do understand and empathize with not wanting a divorce. That is in Hâs hands. It only takes one to divorce.
God has granted us fee will. Each and every person has agency to choose. God does not interfere with that. He does influence our hearts. Provides lessons, and trials, and opportunities to grow. One can still exercise their agency and fight against such though. The MLCer turns their back on plenty as they run.
The LBS usually turns towards the high power. Seeks betterment. God, fate, the universe, whomever or whatever they believe in and have faith in. There is power in prayer. And I do believe God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is no. His Will will be done. He has far reaching wisdom and knows the best course. We ask, speak our desires, and find the faith to accept His will and wisdom.
Twenty five years ago my Dad got an infection which constricted the blood flow to his spine, killing part of it at the fifth vertebrae. I desperately prayed for God to heal my Dadâs paralysis. He didnât. My father was confined to a wheelchair and bed.
Months later, the daily help my Dad has to perform bodily functions discovered a cancer inside him. âWalking aroundâ Dad likely wouldâve never found this until too late. If Dad was waking, heâd not be here today. My prayers were answered. And for a much better outcome than Iâd could foresee.
The same for my prayers for my marriage. I have strong relationships with my kids, my parents, and my friends. I have peace and contentment. Iâm a better person.
My XWâs decision and lifeâs course change was horribly destructive. So much collateral damage experienced by me, kids, family, and friends. Within the wreckage of oneâs situations exists a golden opportunity. An opportunity most people struggle to find. Itâs a rare thing, and at first an unwanted thing. Embrace it fully. Grow and heal and become.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So when u talk abt the demons, are we talking abt demons past(what they have already done) or future demons? I guess that's why H smokes pot to try and mask those demons.
If only we knew what their demons are. My H kept saying he has to deal with his demons. I still donât know what they are and spent ages trying to figure it out. Itâs useless. A lot of the time I donât think they even know. Itâs past trauma, childhood issues, issues with us, grudges they still carry Stuff they havenât dealt with. Thereâs no point trying to even figure out what it is. Hopefully one day they will open up to us about it when they work out what their demons are
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
The so called demons that he is revisiting are the ones from his past. The crisis is all about his childhood/past. The one ingredient that makes up the crisis throughout the entire time is depression. He can run, but he will not be able to hide from those childhood traumas for very long. He must face those traumas and accept that he is not at fault for them and accept that he was just a child/teen when they happened.
You have to remember, this is not your journey and you can't fix him because you did not break him. He has to do the heavy/deep work on himself. Your journey is an opportunity to do the things that you have not done for a long time. What types of things did you enjoy before you married your h? Now is the time to rediscover yourself and those things that you have put on hold.
Trust me, it will be a while before your h figures himself out. Right now, you will not be able to figure him or his past out. One day, when he feels safe enough to talk about his childhood, he will. Right now, he is still running and smoking pot is just a band aid for what ails him. They will try many things looking for something to ease the inner pain.
Keep the focus on you and let go, let God have this situation. There is nothing you can do but listen when he wants to talk. Do not judge him, but just listen and if he wants your opinion, then give it to him. Until that time occurs....continue to move forward with your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's been a while since I've been on here, not much happening. However I was wondering does the MLCer tend to have a memory problem????? Do they forget most if not all of what they have done to you during this time???
During replay a MLCer exhibits confusion. They also become rather scattered brained, with a memory like that of a gnat. They will miss/forget appointments, birthdays, celebrations, paying bills, etc.
A crisis is emotionally driven and folks become the opposite of who they once were. The crisis person will emotionally go back to the time of their trauma(s) and emotional stunting, as they need to grow up from then. It is an incredible strange thing to witness, this kind of time travel. Long ago events and details are like present day to them. Just imagine how confusing it would be to âfeelâ and âbeâ a teenager and yet be married with wife, kids, mortgage, job, and so on.
For the fortunate MLCer who traverses replay and heads into depression, withdrawal, and a hopeful awakening, they face yet another challenge, the return to reality. The pod person or alien, the opposite they are/were, starts to fade and they start to resurface. As much as the MLCer didnât feel or connect with âtheirâ present day life, the returning person doesnât connect with the MLCer. Each of these âpersonalitiesâ has a unique lexicon. There is some overlap, yet mostly there is just fragments of what happened with no clear recollection.
In time, the individual recalls more details. However, puzzling together their crisis adventure is like a movie to them. They were kind of there, yet not in control. Itâs a very shocking and scary time for them. As much as when they first descended into the abyss. It takes a few years for them to feel comfortable in their own skin again.
An LBS needs to be patient and nonjudgemental. Questions do get answered eventual, as bits and pieces are remembered by oneâs returning spouse. Most answers will come from them, uninitiated and unprompted. Especially the answers that really matter.
With good respectful boundaries, compassion, empathy, and a whole lot of digging for patience, a better relationship can be forged. Safe and secure, accountable and loved. The exiting of the crisis is a daunting task for them. And itâs still, at their pace.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Really confused abt what stage H may b in. We were talking on the phone and when we would talk it would be for hours. The last time I saw H he said I had changed and asked if I had a BF, said he didn't care if I did. He is now ghosting me. Doesn't respond to anything. Idk what that means. Don't know if he is withdrawing, I believe his sister is keeping him from that stage and feel like she is trying to fix him up with one of her friends. I don't talk to my boys abt the situation, to know whether or not he is talking to them. Has anybody ever experienced the withdrawal phase being the only person to be withdrawn from? I know I haven't handled the situation the way that has been talked abt on here. It's so hard to go from talking and seeing someone everyday for 30yrs to not talking to them or seeing them at all. I have prob prolonged the whole crisis, I hope and pray I havent.
Do I need to move to a different forum? I joined this thread hoping to talk with people who have either already been through MLC w/ their spouse or people who are currently going through it. I posted a few days ago and have had no response. Just wondering if I'm not doing something right???? I know I don't post a lot basically only when I have questions.
Sorry for a delay in responding to your post. My best friend was out for a visit and I was unplugged for a few days.
The Midlife Crisis forum is less active than the forum For Newcomers. However, this forum is more for the MLC situations, which are pretty darn slow. (My XW will be coming up on seven years post BD and she is still exhibiting major running behaviours.)
A new poster, MamaG, just joined on For Newcomers. Her H is exhibiting crisis behaviours. You might want to check out her thread. Even offer some encouragement and advice for her.
As for MLC stages, the post replay stages of depression and withdrawal are deep and dark. The MLCer pulls away from everything and everyone. Lots of brooding and self blaming.
To me, your experiences with H only withdrawling from you, sounds like replay. H is presently on his portion of flight when he ignores you. And like a boomerang, in a while he likely will circle back reinitiating some level of contact again.
I do think H is dipping into depression and withdrawal somewhat, and then running back into replay. As odd as it is, replay/running feels safer for him. He doesnât have your knowledge and logic about the situation, and can only amble along at his pace and his direction. Whatever that may be.
Remember, H is emotionally driven. His decisions and behaviours stem from his emotional side rather than logic or reason. Itâs hard to make sense of such nonsensical behaviour. Even H doesnât have solid reasons for what he is doing, he is more reacting to how he feels at a given moment.
Please donât fret over what you did or didnât do, or worry about if you prolonged his crisis. H is broken. You didnât break him, so you cannot fix him.
H needs to heal and grow up from when he was emotional hurt and stunted all those years ago. And he is, unfortunately, an ill-equipped man for such an undertaking. Not to mention he is running from diggin into it, and doesnât really see or believe he is the source of his pain and torment.
The likely cause of Hâs torment is an authority figure from his childhood, yet H is present day source and reinforcement of his own feelings. And that is a hard lesson to learn, especially for those souls so very lost in crisis.
Time and space my dear. Give H lots of each.
How about you. Are you living the trailer? Or have you moved somewhere? Has the divorce proceeding stalled or is H still pushing them along? How are your finances? H providing his share, if applicable?
How is work? or retirement?
How are the kids? How old are they?
What hobbies you into? Any plans for gardening this summer? Travel?
Just curious is all. You know, filling in some of the blanks.
Hope youâre having a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for responding. I'm just so ready for this to be over, I'm wishing for withdrawal.đ He did have a rough childhood, his mom had him when she was 17. She was very promiscuous until he was 10 and she met his step dad, his dad was in and out his whole life. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents and his uncle which were great people. He lost his uncle/best friend in 1997 and his grandfather in 1999. His dad never treated him like a son, he was more like a buddy. His dad passed in 2017 and left him nothing after promising him certain things that were special to him.đ˘ He's never dealt with anything he's been through and there may b more that I don't know abt.
As for me I'm still living in the camper, working 2 jobs he gives me no financial assistance. Hoping to find a better job this summer so I can afford to get out and just work 1 job. It's kinda hard to find a job that pays good when u don't really have any skills. I mean the last 30 yrs I've been a wife and mother, but I have some leads. There hasn't been anymore action as far as the "D" word is concerned, we're going on 8 months since papers were filed.
My boys are all doing great. The oldest is 30 and moved to Nebraska when all of this started happening. He doesn't have a relationship with his dad đŞ our middle child he's 25 and is in North Carolina working and the youngest he's 22 lives in Auburn(WAR EAGLE).
I don't really have any hobbies, however I love sports. Hopefully I will b going to the beach a lot this summer.
Just wanted to reach out for some encouragement for you. I am so sorry you find yourself here as well. my husband is still in mlc and still has an ap in the shadows but I do see some hope some days. Trust me withdrawal was almost harder than the replay but at least you know they are making some movement.
My husband also had a hard childhood and has been the worst monster I have seen. the only thing he hasn't done is beat me. And to be honest I think the only reason he hasn't is because he is in law enforcement and knows he would loose his job which is about the only thing he has constantly cared about. A main reason for this is that it is the main thing his horrible toxic mother is proud of him for.
Keep up the work but trust me from someone whose husband has moved back after being gone for 13 months and is still in mlc, IT IS WAY HARDER WITH HIM COMING HOME THAN I COULD HAVE EVER IMAGiND. I ups and downs and lack of peace in the home is killing. make sure you take lots of time for you.
Thanks for the encouragement. I am sorry u are in this situation as well. It's been almost 2 yrs since I was forced out. To begin with he was extremely mean, even come at me 1 time when he thought I had done something to his phone, thank God my son was there to stop him. We have seen each other a few times in those 2 yrs, he is different each time. The last time we were together he said he wasn't ready for us to be back together, that he had some stuff to work through and he was working on his relationship with God. I asked him not to ghost me like he had done in the past and here we are, he is ghosting međ I understand what u say abt the ups and downs, when we were living together it was kind of a joke between my friends and I, I would say, "let me go in and see which H I'm gonna get today." It was almost like an adventure, to b honest I didn't mind it cause at least I was with him, could hear his voice and see his face.
I pray your situation changes quickly and you have peace.
It's great to have a forum where their are people who are dealing with or have dealt with what you are going through, cause unless people have been through it or are going through it, they don't understand and u get the eye roll.
Itâs interesting how family alters as they leave the nest. Kids move away, find jobs, make lives, etc. Your boys are further dispersed than my children. Still, I find it takes a purposeful effort to schedule visits/trips to see them, and/or have them all around the table at special times. And the logistics of family gatherings is going to get more difficult with grandkids. I figure Iâll be doing more of the travelling then.
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I'm just so ready for this to be over
Originally Posted by Whatlee
I don't really have any hobbies, however I love sports. Hopefully I will b going to the beach a lot this summer.
I hear you. For a good while I too was so ready for my situation to just be over.
In time, focus shifts. Life and hobbies and such. And with that shift a present day history/past started to accumulate. Days, weeks, months. More and more time, and a new history is written.
We write that history, that immutable past, in the present. With every moment.
It takes purposeful effort to be in the moment. To GAL, to explore beyond oneâs âoldâ comfortable. In time, one will and does accumulate their past. It is always happening. And oneâs past does help define and steer one towards their future.
It takes time and effort. Once we accumulate more and more ânewer and betterâ history, it is easier and easier to be in the present moment. Which writes that new and better past.
It is difficult. Grief and depression do not foster feelings or enthusiasm for getting out there and living and loving life. Be gentle on yourself, yet do push to do things. Each investment in to yourself - like a trip to the beach - accumulates. And all those deposits keep earning interest.
Keeping to a good thought out path and acting in such a manner that serves you and who you are or wish to be, keeps stead forward progress. Basically, more positive investments/interest and less negative. All within your control: thoughts and actions. Which can and does influence oneâs emotions and therefore acceptance.
Looking back, itâs funny how âoverâ I am. And believe me, I didnât feel it when slogging through it. I can see how I got here, and remember how occluded it was at the time. Thatâs life, oneâs past is the path travelled. One just has to turn and they can see it laid out. Like stones laid down, each step, each turn, each avoiding/overcoming of obstacles, each hill and valley. The future is not so.
In my metaphorical imagination my path is smooth gray stones. Each one mostly uniform with rounded corners, though not circular. Like footprints, the stones are staggered and the path is two stones wide. My present location, my path is in a forest. There is plenty of space with little undergrowth, and the path curves around the large trees. The sun beams through the canopy above and browns and greens are lit up in the mottled yellow patchwork of light.
Looking forward, there are trees and beauty in all directions. There is plenty of room around all the trees and the ground is soft pleasant dirt/grass. I can easily continue placing stones in any direction it seems. Iâve no particular obstacles I need to go around or avoid, and no particular destination or direction I place the next stone.
My future, the next stone, is mostly an extension of what has come before. Iâve accumulated enough of my new and better path, that even staring backwards, I have difficultly seeing/feeling the old and painful times. Present day decisions are made without any involvement of BD and my âoldâ situation.
Iâm still divorced, and single, and XW is still with OM, and she has basically nothing to do with the kids, and Iâm over my situation.
In my situation, nothing has changed, and everything has. Thatâs the gift of acceptance.
Do go to the beach, within the next four days. You donât have to swim, if it is too cold. Just go and walk in the sand. Purposeful effort. Craft your wonderful present and past. Take control. Lay down a stone with purpose. It will shift your heading and future.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
As for me I'm still living in the camper, working 2 jobs he gives me no financial assistance. Hoping to find a better job this summer so I can afford to get out and just work 1 job. It's kinda hard to find a job that pays good when u don't really have any skills. I mean the last 30 yrs I've been a wife and mother, but I have some leads. There hasn't been anymore action as far as the "D" word is concerned, we're going on 8 months since papers were filed.
Oh the strange mirroring going on. Similarities and opposites. My W moved herself out of our home. First to a campground and tent for weeks and then to a 5th wheel camper she chose and I paid for from our joint accounts. I did not ask her to. I simply said it is incredibly disrespectful to bring OM, just online mind you, into my HOME. And I am not comfortable with it. She just messaged me one day saying I'm staying at the campground now. She came back during daytimes.
She has been a SAHM and homeschooling since kids, but prior she was a active duty military officer. After kids she stayed in the military reserves until her 20 year mark, where she has an impressive resume. She has a Masters degree.
Now? No job, but trying side gigs dog walking, online editor for hire, uber eats, selling crafts at festivals, etc... almost no income. She signed up for and seems focused on a second Masters degree in a subject with no income potential...
Whatlee, I would suggest after 30 years of wife and mother, you DO have skills. Just not as easy to define on a resume. I the words of someone else, think about your "talent stack." What are the things you are good at? What are the talents that were required as wife and mother? How can you combine them into a talent stack that is useful in different ways or jobs?
I've had to evaluate potential hires for my team in the past. More than their resume listings to be qualified, I looked for how well their attitude and work ethic would fit into my team. I suggest you present yourself that way to places you might like to work. The technical qualifications can often be filled in later. Getting someone who works well with a particular workplace team is a higher priority. You can do it. Don't discount your lifetime skills.
g
H:54 W:50 D19, D17, S12 ILYBINILWY 3/2023 DB1 4/2023 DB1 rescinded 5/2023 DB2 6/2023 ("I can't do this, I Love HIM") Legal Mediation 1-4 & W moves out 8/2023 â 2/2024 Draft settlement 3/2024
Struggling today, almost feel like I'm the one in MLC. Just want to withdraw/run away. Had a good week last week and now I've just hit a wall. The thought of a possible OW drives me crazy, it's all I can see in my mind. Went to church yesterday(as I do every Sunday) the preacher had a good message on relationships(hit hard on marriage). I find myself hoping he is at church as well(1-church 26-campuses) and he's gonna hear the same message and things are gonna change instantly. When they don't discouragement sets in and I know it's just the devil trying to get me off my game and make me lose hope. Helps to b able to come here and "journal with feedback"đ
It takes a very long time for some of them to work through all of the stages. They can bounce back and forth throughout the stages and it can be a bit confusing for those who have to sit on the sidelines and try to figure them out. Key here is to just leave them be, listen but offer no advice unless they ask for it. Try not to ask questions because if you sit quietly, they will eventually tell on themselves.
As for him inquiring as to whether you had a boyfriend...he is trying to appease his own guilt for having the ow in his life. If you had said yes, you will have lifted his guilt for doing what he is doing with her.
I know you want this to be over and done with, but he has a ways to go. Try to keep the focus on you and what you need to do to survive. Make a list of things that you have put on the back burner and start working on that list. Any changes that you make, make sure that they are for you and not to convince him to come home.
MLC is about their inner pain, a pain that was stuffed down many years ago when they were young. If they didn't navigate the quarter life changes at 20, 30, etc., then the crisis will hit at mid-life. It is all about them and you have to remember...you didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him.
Now is the time to focus on you and your life. Leave your h in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Offering no advice should b easy considering he is ghosting me. It's funny, (not haha funny) how they think they are the smart ones in this situation and they are making the smarter choices. H would say I am thinking more clear than I have ever thought.
They are like teenagers, they think they know it all. Their brain is scrambled like a bunch of twisted wires. They will try anything and everything to find relief from their emotional pain. MLC is all about depression and emotions. They know deep down that something is wrong, but they can't put their finger on what the problem is. Thus, they think it is the marriage/relationship and you. It is not you at all, but them.
Continue to focus on you and what you can do to survive. BTW, he will pop out of his rabbit hole periodically just to check to see if you are still there. It's very common with them.
Hang in there! This is not a sprint, but a super long run.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That's exactly what happens in the past, out of the blue I will get a text or call, him asking what I am doing. In the past I've always bought into it, which ended with us hanging out. What is your suggestion when he comes out of his rabbit hole?
It sounds like our H's are in the same place in MLC tunnel. Maybe they're enjoying their pot and cycling together. sigh. You're not alone. I'm in a similar place; some differences. H and I were married 26 years this past week. Spent the morning together. Came back to our family home to play cards until he had to go his house (yes, he bought a house and move out in Dec) to take a nap before an appt. Can't make this stuff up, and worse, can't explain it. It's hard. very hard. Hand in there and know you're not alone.
If he calls and asks what you are doing, you can always say that you are busy and can't talk at the moment. You do not need to tell him what you are doing. Better yet, hold off returning his calls and texts for a couple of hours and if he asks why you didn't answer, respond "I'm sorry, I was busy." No need for any other explanation.
Also, be mysterious, do not be so readily available to hang out. You want him to miss you and that can't happen if you are hanging out. Sounds like the ow isn't always available to hang out with him.
They can't miss you if you are still right where they left you. You need to move forward and create a new life and who knows...one they see that you have moved forward and are getting on with things, they just might want to spend more time with you and eventually come back to earth.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am growing stronger everyday. Before I would hear a song on the radio that made me think of him so I would send it to him, I would text him and tell him I love him, send him a scripture, or invite to church. I haven't done any of those things in abt 2wks, I know that doesn't seem like a long time or much progress, trust me it is. I had a visit today with one of my boys and it was fun. He talked abt working out of town and I listened. He hit golf balls and we chased themđ. Just had a good visit. We haven't been able to do that in a long time cause I was very emotional and knowing they talked to their dad I would want to ask questions abt how he was doing, nothing abt OW however cause I don't want to know anything abt that, those kinds questions don't help they only hurt. My boys are all grown and have their own lives and are amazing young men. I am a proud momma. They don't talk abt the situation, they love both of us and just want us to be happy. It's hard not to ask questions and something I really have to work on when I'm with them. H is still being very quiet with me at least, don't know abt anybody else. Oh well it is what it is and hopefully he will figure it out. I have set a goal to move out of this camper by the end of summer, praying for a job opportunity to allow that to happen. So far it's been a good day and I know there's more ahead, as long as I stay grounded in my faith, keep my eyes on God and his will on my life.
I am a child of God and I'm fearfully and wonderfully made.
Are there any forums that with couples that have survived MLC and stayed together? I would like to hear abt those relationships. Also is there anybody that has been in MLC and could give insight to what my H may b dealing with?
I occasionally read on the forum but haven't replied or been on for years. My original screen name was Spirit, then changed to Mirage. I've been divorced for probably 14 yrs. It's hazy now since I'm way past all of this but you asked about MLC. I'll give you my version of going through MLC.
Take the most amount of pain you think you can handle physically and tranfer all that into your head. For me I constantly had mental anguish. My main goal was to make it from waking up in the morning(that's if I even slept, most nights a couple hours) to evening without feeling like the mental pain was going to end me.
MY MLC lasted for 2 1/2 years. This is a rather short MLC from what I read and understand of it. and I have read volumes and feel like I am a pro. I break MLC into 2 categories internal and external. Mine was internal so no woman, cars etc. I went inside myself and read as much as I could on the subject. I found things that were helpful along the way which eventually lead to exiting the MLC tunnel(a much better person). The outside MLC'ers will last longer in my estimation. I was able to find the source of my pain and come to grips with it but still took 2 1/2 yrs.
MLC'ers run. that's what they do, and confused most of the time. They run from that pain I described. Don't take this the wrong way. my opinion only and have been shatised on here for it in the past. only a certain amount of people make it through MLC to the other side. I wished everybody did but it takes a certain internal strength to look at the things that stunted you in your past, deal with then take responsibility for it.
You asked, I'm as honest as I can be to what it was like for me. People that have MLC's and make it to the other side can give insight. MLC'ers that do not will tell you years later that you don't know what your talking about.
For the record. I went through an MLC at 40 came out of it at 42 1/2. I think I came out of it a better man. but at 44 my now EXW went through an MLC(details in my story somewhere on here) but we never reconciled and from what I hear occasionally through my now adults kids still shows a lot of MLC tendencies. Also for the record I got an e-mail approx 12 yrs after bomb day just to check test the water and see if there was any chance.
