If you listen carefully, your h may tell on himself. Many of them like to talk and not be interrupted. They travel back in time to where they were emotionally stunted and then have to face those demons. If they can face them, they will then begin to move forward. They have to learn to accept that there were things totally out of their control and that they were not the blame for what transpired. Some parents validated one child other the other, a child may have been abandoned by one parent or even both. It is all about trauma that took place long ago.
Be patient, sit quietly and the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish I had known all of this information when he was talking to me, now we r back to communicating by email(that's the only way he would communicate when I was forced out) then he finally got to where he would text but now since he's filed papers it's back to emailing. I guess that's advice from his atty....idk🤷‍♀️
It could be advice from his lawyer or he feels "safer" in texting. Texting is "safer" for them because they do not have to hear your voice, feel the emotion coming through your voice or see you. Whereas texting is just typing some words w/no emotion in them. If you text w/him, do not be quick in responding...wait a few hours before doing so and if he asks why you waited, just tell him that you have been busy. You do not want to come off as needy or sitting by the phone or computer waiting for him to contact you. Also, keep your emails business like. Think about what you are writing because he could very well be sharing the info with his lawyer. One more thing...unless it is an absolute emergency, do not initiate contact...leave that ball in his court.
The less distractions he has, the better so that he can focus on himself and healing.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I gets easier everyday to not want to reach out to him. Having you guys to bounce stuff off of has been therapeutic. I look forward to reading yalls responses everyday. Like I said earlier friends/family don't understand, they all just assume it's his nature. I know it's not him, I love this man and have loved this man for 34yrs, I feel sorry for him but I can't help him. I just don't want a divorce, I'm believing for God to intervene. There is and has been way too many people praying abt this situation. The Bible says where 2 or more are joined in his name it shall be done. I stand on those words.
Yes, often friends and family do not understand what’s going on. They don’t see or live with it. And the MLCer wears a mask.
When the MLCer is out and about, they often hide themselves. Put on a mask and hide their inner pain and torment. And most of all, hide it from their self. The running behaviours keeping their attention upon anything other than that of their inner demons. Yet at night, when they lay in bed and running slows, those demons come forth and play.
It takes a lot of energy to maintain such a facade. A person in crisis is driven to their behaviour, driven beyond reason. They will expend incredible energies maintaining their fantasy, for they have to, they need to.
I do understand and empathize with not wanting a divorce. That is in H’s hands. It only takes one to divorce.
God has granted us fee will. Each and every person has agency to choose. God does not interfere with that. He does influence our hearts. Provides lessons, and trials, and opportunities to grow. One can still exercise their agency and fight against such though. The MLCer turns their back on plenty as they run.
The LBS usually turns towards the high power. Seeks betterment. God, fate, the universe, whomever or whatever they believe in and have faith in. There is power in prayer. And I do believe God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is yes, and sometimes the answer is no. His Will will be done. He has far reaching wisdom and knows the best course. We ask, speak our desires, and find the faith to accept His will and wisdom.
Twenty five years ago my Dad got an infection which constricted the blood flow to his spine, killing part of it at the fifth vertebrae. I desperately prayed for God to heal my Dad’s paralysis. He didn’t. My father was confined to a wheelchair and bed.
Months later, the daily help my Dad has to perform bodily functions discovered a cancer inside him. “Walking around” Dad likely would’ve never found this until too late. If Dad was waking, he’d not be here today. My prayers were answered. And for a much better outcome than I’d could foresee.
The same for my prayers for my marriage. I have strong relationships with my kids, my parents, and my friends. I have peace and contentment. I’m a better person.
My XW’s decision and life’s course change was horribly destructive. So much collateral damage experienced by me, kids, family, and friends. Within the wreckage of one’s situations exists a golden opportunity. An opportunity most people struggle to find. It’s a rare thing, and at first an unwanted thing. Embrace it fully. Grow and heal and become.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So when u talk abt the demons, are we talking abt demons past(what they have already done) or future demons? I guess that's why H smokes pot to try and mask those demons.
If only we knew what their demons are. My H kept saying he has to deal with his demons. I still don’t know what they are and spent ages trying to figure it out. It’s useless. A lot of the time I don’t think they even know. It’s past trauma, childhood issues, issues with us, grudges they still carry Stuff they haven’t dealt with. There’s no point trying to even figure out what it is. Hopefully one day they will open up to us about it when they work out what their demons are
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
The so called demons that he is revisiting are the ones from his past. The crisis is all about his childhood/past. The one ingredient that makes up the crisis throughout the entire time is depression. He can run, but he will not be able to hide from those childhood traumas for very long. He must face those traumas and accept that he is not at fault for them and accept that he was just a child/teen when they happened.
You have to remember, this is not your journey and you can't fix him because you did not break him. He has to do the heavy/deep work on himself. Your journey is an opportunity to do the things that you have not done for a long time. What types of things did you enjoy before you married your h? Now is the time to rediscover yourself and those things that you have put on hold.
Trust me, it will be a while before your h figures himself out. Right now, you will not be able to figure him or his past out. One day, when he feels safe enough to talk about his childhood, he will. Right now, he is still running and smoking pot is just a band aid for what ails him. They will try many things looking for something to ease the inner pain.
Keep the focus on you and let go, let God have this situation. There is nothing you can do but listen when he wants to talk. Do not judge him, but just listen and if he wants your opinion, then give it to him. Until that time occurs....continue to move forward with your life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's been a while since I've been on here, not much happening. However I was wondering does the MLCer tend to have a memory problem????? Do they forget most if not all of what they have done to you during this time???
During replay a MLCer exhibits confusion. They also become rather scattered brained, with a memory like that of a gnat. They will miss/forget appointments, birthdays, celebrations, paying bills, etc.
A crisis is emotionally driven and folks become the opposite of who they once were. The crisis person will emotionally go back to the time of their trauma(s) and emotional stunting, as they need to grow up from then. It is an incredible strange thing to witness, this kind of time travel. Long ago events and details are like present day to them. Just imagine how confusing it would be to “feel” and “be” a teenager and yet be married with wife, kids, mortgage, job, and so on.
For the fortunate MLCer who traverses replay and heads into depression, withdrawal, and a hopeful awakening, they face yet another challenge, the return to reality. The pod person or alien, the opposite they are/were, starts to fade and they start to resurface. As much as the MLCer didn’t feel or connect with “their” present day life, the returning person doesn’t connect with the MLCer. Each of these “personalities” has a unique lexicon. There is some overlap, yet mostly there is just fragments of what happened with no clear recollection.
In time, the individual recalls more details. However, puzzling together their crisis adventure is like a movie to them. They were kind of there, yet not in control. It’s a very shocking and scary time for them. As much as when they first descended into the abyss. It takes a few years for them to feel comfortable in their own skin again.
An LBS needs to be patient and nonjudgemental. Questions do get answered eventual, as bits and pieces are remembered by one’s returning spouse. Most answers will come from them, uninitiated and unprompted. Especially the answers that really matter.
With good respectful boundaries, compassion, empathy, and a whole lot of digging for patience, a better relationship can be forged. Safe and secure, accountable and loved. The exiting of the crisis is a daunting task for them. And it’s still, at their pace.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
