When all of this 1st started the only way he would communicate with me was through email. Well we're back to emailing but I guess that's what his atty's have told him to do or are we going backwards????
Hi Whatlee, welcome and I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You are not alone and you will find so much support and info through these forums as well as some amazing advice from all the vets who have walked this path. It truly isn’t for the faint hearted. I just want to say I am in a very similar place to you. My H BD a week before Christmas last year. And then it’s been one blow after the next.Initially I did everything wrong, begging crying, taking all the blame that he threw at me, doing 100% of everything with the kids to make his life easy etc. the more it went on the more research and reading I did and realised he was in a MLC. He is almost 49. Nobody believes me, nobody understands. Friends/family they just push you to hurry up and end the pain so they can feel better. They don’t understand the crisis. They don’t understand how the man you have known and loved and know better than anyone, has basically been abducted by an alien. That’s the easiest way I explain it. They do things that is not them. Selfish behaviour, no thought at all for anyone else. My H has become a recluse, drinks a lot, is constantly in sweatpants and often massive bouts of anger at me or the kids. I completely agree that unless someone has been through it they don’t understand the full extent. They just brush it aside like it’s a Hollywood movie. I too can see the pain in my H eyes. His face and his eyes just look vacant, emotionally unavailable and just so very lost. He looks like he has aged 5 years too. I have never see him look so average. A man who always smelled amazing always took a lot of pride in his appearance, now sometimes doesn’t even brush their teeth. It really is a sad state.
My advice is learn to detach from him and his actions. As women we often always put ourselves last. Always put our spouses first our kids first and forget about ourselves. It’s time to put yourself first and leave him be. Let his wallow in his cave and hopefully he will find his way through. We can’t help them. If we help them or try to drag them through it, they will just do this again in the future. They have made their bed now need to sleep in it. And sometimes their path is a long and tiring one.
I wish I had an amazing happy ending for you on my end. I don’t. The recent developments is my H has decided to move overseas for a few years for a job and abandon me and the kids( he never would had ever done this in the past). So he is running. And I am not. I am rock solid here for my kids and for me. He needs to go live his reality and work himself out. We can’t help them, we can’t do anything for them other than be there for them when they emerge and decide for ourselves if we still have enough room in our heart. I am still mourning the loss of my real H, not this MLC one. The real one has gone. We all love the real version of them, the old version. These broken versions are not what we love or what is healthy for us. They can’t have healthy relationships like this. It took me quite a while to drop the emotional rope. It goes against everything you feel. But once you drop it, you really can start to invest on yourself Keep posting and keep Asking for advice. Welcome to the worst roller coaster of your life. We will get through this and come out the other side much better stronger women
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I agree with the alien comment completely, I feel like I have lived in the twilight zone. My counselor told me this would b hard, I don't guess I realized how bad it would hurt. I am a firm believer in God and I want to have grace and let him direct my steps.
Weekends are always so hard. I have tons of friends but they have family and I usually spend the weekends by myself....IT [censored]. I have a hard time understanding how u can be with someone for 34yrs and just one day decide u don't love that person anymore, I just don't switch gears that fast.
Normal people do not switch gears light your h and our spouses have done. He began to transition into MLC about 12-18 months ago. It was a very subtle change. Please go back and think about what may have happened during that time period? Did he have a health scare? Did something happen in the family? What about work? Promotion, new job, added responsibilities, etc? Something always triggers the crisis. It just doesn't start up on it's own.
Now, I want you to think back then to what he may have said or exhibited around you? Any changes taking place, such as change in what foods he ate or drinks? Did he start changing the way he looked, i.e., haircuts, facial hair, dressing and his language? What about musical tastes? Many of them begin to show signs of changes that take them back in time to about 16-20. That is why I am asking all of these questions.
MLC doesn't happen over night....it takes months to get to the full blown crisis.
Hang in there and continue coming here to ask questions or bounce things off of us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I feel like the crisis may have started when he lost his job making really good money without a college degree, then got another one making the same kind of money and lost it 4 months later for the same reason he lost the 1st one. When he lost the job the 1st time, I was upset but I was like ok put your big girl britches on and do what u need to do. When he lost the job the 2nd time, I was angry and resentful, i was working 3 jobs and he was depressed. I didnt take into consideration how he felt or that it hurt him when he lost the job the 2nd time, i was just mad. I didn't feel like he was doing enough to help support us after that and we had to move out of a house that we all tremendously loved. I feel like at that point I had also started my own menopause, I didn't want him breathing the same air as me, touching me or even looking at me. He would say u look at me and I can see the hate in your eyes, I didnt hate him and I hate that I made him feel like I hated him, cause going through that now feeling like he hates me hurts. All of that happened after 2 surgical procedures one on his back at the end of 2018 and a hernia surgery at the beginning of 2019. Then of course 2020 and the pandemic happened.
Kinda did a timeliness this morn 2017-H had AW sending chest pics MIL moved in with us for a few months Son graduated HS H wrecked our car and got a DUI FIL passed away 2018-lost our house and moved H had back surgery end of yr 2019-H had hernia surgery while recouping from back surgery H lost his job My mom passed away H lost another job 2020-Pandemic Youngest son graduated HS Had to move 2021-uneventful 2022-September BD 2023-January H had quadruple bypass heart surgery
I think this crisis may have started in 2017, not sure maybe somebody on here can help with that. I just hope it's almost over.
Last edited by DnJ; 10/10/2306:39 PM. Reason: Deleted second posting and corrected date.
Quite a few triggers going on with your h. The crisis will take as long as it takes. There is no actual set timeline for when it ends. It all depends on him and if he can deal with his "internal demons" and heal from the emotional pain. Some will come through the crisis and return to the nomal selves, others will return to this world and continue to have some of the quirks they picked up along the way and others may never recover.
My xh's crisis began in late 1998 and he finally flew the coop in December 1999. We divorced in June 2002 and just last year, he finally woke up and apologized for destroying our marriage, etc. Of course, it was too late to try again. He was one of those that took forever and a day.
Try to remember that you will be the one who will decide if you want to try again, if and when he wakes up. Who knows? You just might have moved on by that time.
The stages and timelines you see written are just guidelines...nothing is set in stone because each person is unique and their crisis will be unique.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Like job said, a crisis will take as long as it takes.
Did your H’s crisis start in 2017? The seeds for his crisis were planted long ago, back in his informative years. Events in H’s life, his upbringing, all brought him to be susceptible to a crisis.
2017, and in the years after, are certainly rife with major life events. These events trigger dormant and unrealized inner childhood torments and pains. Those inner demons of his. So, in a way, his crisis started around 2017, as well as it started much much earlier.
Bomb drop is the overt emergence of a MLCer’s pain and running. Until BD, their torment and confusion is quite covert and hidden from the world. And they suffer in silence. This is not some self-flagellation, they are going so off the rails that they really do not know what is going on. They are embarrassed, confused, and have no mechanism for conversing about it.
Bomb drop is aptly named. They explode. Their ceaseless inner torment has reached critical mass. BD is usually the first real outward sign of things having gone majorly awry, and is mistakenly taken as the start, when in fact it all started years before.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
My counselor said the same thing, she asked abt his childhood and from there came to the conclusion that he was in a mid life crisis. His childhood wasn't great some things he has told me but i believe there are probably things that happened to him that he hasn't told me. His grandfather and uncle were his best friends, they have both passed away and he really don't have any friends.😢 Really breaks my heart for him.
