H EW possibly DBing and I’m losing the battle

[KangaB]

Thanks DnJ for your encouragement and advice,

I’m trying to distance myself from H. For instance, we didn’t see each other in our normal weekly time frame this week just gone. LAT 3 nights a week, 4 nights together. He did see XW during the time we were supposed to be together as she was picking up something from his place for SD (??) I didn’t bring this up with him. I’m sure it is just EA at the moment. I know she is trying for something more, she is trying to flirt and be suggestive in front of him. Seen this now a few times recently.

Anyhow… my questions is: How do I distance from H when we are going to be spending the next 5 days together? Would you be able to give me examples? We spend exclusive time together because we are too far apart to drive home from one another’s place of an evening. We also work together.

At the moment, I don’t make a lot of eye contact with him and I’m standing straighter with an ‘air’ of holding back/slightly aloof, yet, friendly. So hard to juggle this. I’m being more independent in his company, and also saying to him, I’m just going to have some quiet time. All 180s for me. The last time I did this, H reacted and was upset with me as a collective of things that I did. I reflected back and I realised I made a mistake in my behaviour. This time together, I’m going to try and keep doing independent things. It’s really hard because we love spending time together and working on our stuff. It’s the time that we really relax into our M and have a lot of fun. Our sex life has always been pretty good and I don’t want to let that drop. How do I DB with that?

Is DR available to read online as I have been reading DB? I started reading the first chapter of DR here and got disheartened as it mentions that it’s never too late when you are divorced. I got really scared because I just thought of XW still trying after all these years with my H.

What do I do when she is doing something like DBing to ruin my marriage? It feels like a battle of DBing.

I’m trying to drop the rope.

[DnJ]

Hello K

Please don’t get disheartened by the idea of divorce or the discussions of it. Divorce is a possibility. Knowing about it, can help you avoid some pitfalls. And knowledge is power.

Do get Divorce Remedy, it is an excellent book. Read it cover to cover, several times. (Only the first chapter is online.)

Keep DR and all your DB wisdom and this site from H. Do not share any of this with him. H will see it as manipulation and will fight against it. DB is your playbook, and right now H is not on team Kanga.

How do I distance from H when we are going to be spending the next 5 days together? Would you be able to give me examples? We spend exclusive time together because we are too far apart to drive home from one another’s place of an evening. We also work together.

At the moment, I don’t make a lot of eye contact with him and I’m standing straighter with an ‘air’ of holding back/slightly aloof, yet, friendly. So hard to juggle this. I’m being more independent in his company, and also saying to him, I’m just going to have some quiet time. All 180s for me. The last time I did this, H reacted and was upset with me as a collective of things that I did. I reflected back and I realised I made a mistake in my behaviour. This time together, I’m going to try and keep doing independent things. It’s really hard because we love spending time together and working on our stuff. It’s the time that we really relax into our M and have a lot of fun. Our sex life has always been pretty good and I don’t want to let that drop. How do I DB with that?

First off, when you make a 180, H is likely to have a poor reaction as his balanced world gets tilted. This is a good thing. And also, shrug, don’t worry about it. You make changes for you! These are not an act to try to win H back.

The changes you like and that resonate with you - keep them. Make them permanent. For the ones that fall flat, drop em and try something else.

Before I met H, I was sure of myself. I was fun and jolly. I had a great dress sense and was very creative.

Find this gal again!


Now, how to distance from H.

I think I’ve got what you’ve shared sorted out correctly. Forgive me if I got something wrong. (And correct me. )

XW seems to be in H’s life too much. And in the incorrect capacity. I think you’ve already clearly stated that to H. If not, you probably should do so. Then let it be. No more relationship talks.

Next, shut down the cake shop. If H is getting the best of both worlds, he is unlikely going to look to change anything.

Implement boundaries. Disrespectful behaviour from H should not be tolerated. Stated your boundary, then hold it hard. Make it rock solid! H will test it. He will try to break it. You hold solid.

A boundary is for you. It’s not something to fix H. It’s a mechanism for you to lessen disrespect towards you, and for you to heal. (There is a good link on boundaries in the welcome thread.)

Treat H as a roommate. As a cashier at the store. Be kind and cordial, and not too friendly.

We spend exclusive time together because we are too far apart to drive home from one another’s place of an evening.

I get you and he live two hours apart. Still, go home. Do not stay over.

I commuted two hours each way for work. Yeah, it ain’t great. However, it is doable.

How far is work from you? Why are going to H’s place?

Be busy these five days. You are not going home and pinning for him. When H asked if you are coming over, “No. I’m going out for dinner and then heading home.” Next night, you’re going to see some friends, got other plans, etc.

H isn’t stepping up to the plate like the husband you want and deserve. Don’t reward him for it.

Find yourself again. Keep moving forward. And let H run to catch up to you.

None of this is done out of meanness or malice. H is making choices regarding XW/OW, and he gets his consequences is all.

D

[KangaB]

Hi DnB,

I will write more over the next few days. Thank you for sharing great advice.

Kanga

[KangaB]

Now, how to distance from H.

I think I’ve got what you’ve shared sorted out correctly. Forgive me if I got something wrong. (And correct me. )

XW seems to be in H’s life too much. And in the incorrect capacity. I think you’ve already clearly stated that to H. If not, you probably should do so. Then let it be. No more relationship talks.

Next, shut down the cake shop. If H is getting the best of both worlds, he is unlikely going to look to change anything.

Implement boundaries. Disrespectful behaviour from H should not be tolerated. Stated your boundary, then hold it hard. Make it rock solid! H will test it. He will try to break it. You hold solid.

A boundary is for you. It’s not something to fix H. It’s a mechanism for you to lessen disrespect towards you, and for you to heal. (There is a good link on boundaries in the welcome thread.)

Treat H as a roommate. As a cashier at the store. Be kind and cordial, and not too friendly.

Hi DnJ,

Sorry it’s taken a while to reply.

Yes XW is in H’s life too much and it has ramped up in the last year since we got married and in the wrong capacity. I have spent so much time over the last 6 years on and off of trying to convince H that he does not need to have the contact that he has with XW. I have cried and yelled and pleaded and begged and levelled with him. To no avail. In the last 6 weeks since finding DB and trying to do 180’s, I have gone grey and ignored their contact as much as possible.


I read you loud and clear about boundary setting and am doing this. I don’t say I’m setting a boundary I just do it.

I know last week, you suggested that I not see H over the next 5 days and make myself busy. I wasn’t able to cancel our plans and tbh, I didn’t want to because H being at my place, we are fairly uninterrupted by XW and Skids and I can implement my DBing, which I did do a lot of.

So, after 5 days being together, H was the most attentive and affectionate he has been since we first got together. He asked me what I wanted to do for my 50th which is 6 months away. He was even a lot more tender with sex which is a first actually. Overall, I consistently did my 180’s that I know how to do. We left on a wonderful, loving note. Until yesterday…

H left 2 days ago and said that he missed me and hated being home (which he normally doesn’t say). There were no prompts from me. Now for the baffling behaviour… H revealed to me yesterday that this weekend coming, he ‘has’ to go with XW somewhere to fill in some paperwork for SD. He said he wasn’t sure where and when. This weekend SD wants H and I to do something nice for her B’day. Last night, I was so upset about this, I vented at Karate and went home and didn’t take his calls until I rang him this morning. I have been leaving H to initiate contact of late and this morning I didn’t. H picked a fight about money. I do all the account keeping and budgeting and on the weekend, he asked that I just get him cash for his weekly budget (which is not like him) and then said he was wanting to have some money to himself for his own expenses. Wtf? I tried so hard not to react as he was baiting me about how busy he was over the next few days and when I asked what he was up to, he got annoyed with me and said he didn’t have to tell me everything!

I was so shocked! So I agreed with him and texted him that I think it’s a great idea that we stay autonomous and have some ‘Private’ money and not have to disclose what we spend our money on. I’ve started texting H when he is angry as a boundary because I refuse to be yelled at over the phone and I now hang up. I then let him know why I hung up. This was before he sent a text to say he wouldn’t be wanting to have other money and to just let him know what our next project is. It was really submissive. I help him with his business. I have not heard from him since I suggested that we have autonomy with our finances and have some ‘Private’ money.

Another thing that has baffled me is H has been watching a show about Affairs and how he couldn’t stand me having a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. He was also really upset that I didn’t talk to him last night as I just couldn’t handle him having to be with XW and said our talk time was our time together on the phone. It is so confusing!!!

What I have figured out is that since I have been DBing and H is coming back into our marriage, it actually feels worse when he jumps back out. Before, he was just angry with me most of the time and picked fights so I didn’t know how bad things were when was out of the marriage because it was most of the time. Now, he is back in and then out. XW just clicks her fingers it seems and he is there. Another thing that happened when he was here for 5 days and all was well, I caught him on his phone texting someone and sat down in front of him and saw the reflection in his glasses. He quickly swiped to a new page on phone and lied and said he was texting no one. He got annoyed. Me asking was an old habit, but he was so secretive. He is usually not secretive with texts. When H was here, it was the only hint of A with XW and also when he rang SD, XW chimed in, in the background to try and engage him. I just walked out of the room when this happened.

This weekend coming, I plan to keep to myself until the day we spend with SD and allow H and XW to do their ‘thing’ whatever the paperwork bs is. I’m so tired of trying to point out how wrong this contact is. Now that I don’t, it is getting worse, but I don’t want to stop the runaway train of the A so it has a chance to implode. SIL believes XW is trying to destroy our M and I’m trying so hard not to involve her anymore.

I’m figuring when H comes to me for our time together, I do my DBing without distraction and then go darkish when XW is hovering and he is getting cake elsewhere.

Is this normal, the going back and forth between M and OW? Last weekend was amazing with H, I just can’t believe the turnaround.

I really welcome feedback. I’m now reading DR!

Kanga

[KangaB]

Just wondering whether someone would tell me how to put the quotes in boxes so there is separation between quote and what I say?

Thanks,

Kanga

[KangaB]

Also in the last 5 days, H told me I was beautiful a few times which he normally wouldn’t say too much of and I stopped asking for reassurance, compliments a few years ago, and now, back to this secretive bs with XW.

This is awful! Would someone explain what could be going on? Is he saying those things and doing nice things because he can see a change in me and he is back or is it because he is feeling guilty?

Kanga

[Pattnee5]

Oh Kanga I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I hope some of the experts can help you here with their encouraging words.
I have only been here a few months so I am still new in my own mess too but one thing that has stuck from here is “believe nothing of what he says and half of what he does”. It sounds like he is pulling some serious heart strings. I too was like you super analysing everything every word every comment. Honestly I drove myself nuts for months, the see-saw of H and his emotions etc.
I’ve almost had a realisation very recently ( thanks to Kind18 being blunt which is what I needed)
That being the crazy super analysing person hasn’t worked, it’s exhausting and I was getting pulled down into his garbage too. It was exhausting for months and months and I think I am finally letting go. I just don’t care about his garbage anymore and am letting him deal with his own side of the street and honestly I feel like a weight has lifted( especially not analysing every single little thing) and just focusing on me.
As a very newbie to this whole thing don’t waste your time or energy overthinking his every move or action. Honestly who even knows what your H is thinking I bet he even doesn’t know.
Get some boundaries up. Oh my gosh when I had no boundaries it was horrible. H basically ran the show and because I was being super critical and analysing everything I let him do whatever he wanted and I did absolutely everything in as far as chores and kids. Gosh was that a mistake.
Get some solid boundaries up( he will sulk that’s for sure and get angry) but honestly you don’t deserve to be treated like this and be made to feel paranoid

In as far as the XW and what’s going on there I have zero advice there sorry. Hopefully someone else does. It sounds like he’s living a bit or the best life at the moment and the best of both worlds. Maybe you need to throw a spanner in the works and not be his standby

[DnJ]

Good Morning Kanga

Just wondering whether someone would tell me how to put the quotes in boxes so there is separation between quote and what I say?

Certainly.

The quote command is:

[quote=Poster]Text[/quote]

Poster is what what will be displayed in the title “Originally Posted by Poster”.

The text is contents of the quote box.


I personally like to copy/paste the text I wish to quote, so I type the quote commands with the poster name.

Another method is to press <Quote> button under the post which will populate the “Quick Reply” dialog box with the entire post, bookended with the quote command - both quote and /quote. However, it is a bit cumbersome if you aren’t wanting to actual quote everything, and the have to delete a bunch.

Interestingly, another good use of the <Quote> button is it shows all the embedded commands. Bold, italic, underline, color, and so on.

If you try the <Quote> button on this post you’ll see some of them. Example of text face in the preceding paragraph and some quotes below.

A quote with no Poster’s name.

I personally like to copy/paste the text I wish to quote

Nested quotes too.

I personally like to copy/paste the text I wish to quote

<Use Full Editor> is another option as well. There is a quoting icon which inserts the quote command syntax, then just paste the text in between. The full editor also has icons for the various type faces, color, and such too.

Hope that helps.

D

[KangaB]

Hi Pattnee,

Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice. With boundaries (when I know where I have to set them which is a work in progress), I used to say I was going to set a boundary (which then triggered anger from H). I now just set them without saying anything to protect myself and worry about H’s reaction later.

The trouble I have is knowing when I need to set them and I’ve realised it’s when I feel uncomfortable in any way shape or form and then knowing what boundaries to set.

I really appreciate you pointing out not to overthink and what advice Kind18 gave to you. It’s just a waste of energy.

I am keen to keeping reading what is going on with you to learn more there too.

I do hope your sitch improves

[KangaB]

Thanks DnJ much appreciated.

Kanga