I spoke to a MC once who had been doing it for 30 years and he said he never once saw a woman leave a healthy, strong secure man. So my view wasn't to mope and complain that all women are no good and will eventually leave, my view was to become the healthy, strong secure man that a woman would never want to leave.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Be sure to enforce your boundaries with optimism and acceptance, and not out of anger or hopeless despondency. Keep in focus that you are not rejecting HER, but rather her actions and choices. There could be a place for her in your life and bed if she chose differently.
If she reacts angrily or sadly, be sure to validate her and REALLY hear her -- I hear you Wife that this is not easy. I'm sorry you feel that way. Acknowledge and accept criticisms, hear her POV, and implement your self-work, 180s and GAL accordingly.
But, ultimately, I won't abide THIS for me and the kids anymore. I deserve better, they deserve better, and you also deserve better. I hoped that we could get to a better place. But I see that you are still choosing not to act like my wife. It's more of the same. And with me getting out more, meeting people, and thinking about things, I see that things will be better for me than they are like this.
You are leading, opening a door to someplace new. She may follow or not.
You will be ok either way, because you will be living your life true to yourself and values.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
It might be silly but I put a slight dot on my hand with a Sharpie as a reminder to STFU and be more frugal with my words when I interact with W. I'm challenging myself to use as few words as possible to respond and also not initiate conversation to the fullest extent possible.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
No two situations are the same. There is "your mileage may vary" disclaimer is completely necessary in these kinds of responses. No two LBSs are the same. No two WASs are the same. No two situations are they same. While they tend to follow similar patterns, the idiosyncrasies of each person and marriage make them unique. My experience and what worked for me may not apply to you and your situation. My situation turned around fairly quickly. I also give head first into trying to DB 100%. I made mistakes and had setbacks. But my heart was fully committed to DB to fix me, not my marriage. In my case the marriage also got fixed. Those that do the best, whether they end up divorced or not, are the ones that focus on themselves. Not their WAS. Not their marriage.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
This site is all about moving as successfully and quickly as possible towards reconciliation, and if not, helping the LBS rebuild their life, their self worth and confidence. In ALL circumstances, that requires at least some acknowledgement of personal responsibility so that you can see how it shapes your behaviour, and you can change it where required. This site is unlikely to be helpful unless you can accept criticism or strongly worded advice from time to time. Have a read through other threads. I can think of two posters here in the last 12 months - one of them has made excuse after excuse and ignored advice from veterans, but comes back here from time to time and demonstrates they still live a daily train wreck. The other is Pattnee. Pattnee had a few tough love type comments from time to time, but she owned things and wasn’t afraid to be called out on anything. Here she is six months later, and while her marriage isn’t saved, she’s now amazingly strong and grounded and probably 80% emotionally healed from the grief of bomb day.
You can accept everyone here is on your team and that this journey is going to be hard, or you can come here just to hear what you want to hear. It’s your call.
Originally Posted by Kind18
You can make lots of progress very quickly by working on you. You can making very little progress very slowly by trying to work on him.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
In relationships we have to be thoughtful about how partners might absorb what we say. Intent is different than impact. We know we're trying to be sarcastic or funny and it doesn't always land that way. Too much of it can wear partners down or be just as unattractive.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I continue to learn and grow with my realization that forgiveness is a choice and it doesn’t mean not feeling angry, hurt, etc. it also doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or ignoring what they are there to tell me.
Forgiveness is a gift.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If she is interested in finding a way to reconcile, she will find a way to communicate it to you. I cannot count how many of my W's calls/msgs I did not answer or return before we reconciled (hundreds, there would be multiple calls and hang ups and texts on many days). The first time I called her back was when she said she left a msg saying she wanted to meet up and talk about trying again. That was after multiple months of no answered or returned calls.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
One of the things that has helped me keep it together during conversations with my W has been "how would this look if I posted it to the DB boards tomorrow?". It seemed silly at first but it's worked pretty well. I ask myself what am I trying to accomplish with this conversation and in general, what are the guidelines that R2C, Kind, Boat, DnJ, MrP and others have given me and what has worked in the past, and generally it's helped me to make progress in my life.
I can also say that other sitches I've read about here from both very old and active threads have helped me to manage expectations in my own sitch.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
So, you have a job, you hate it. Something has happened. Maybe you’ve been taken advantage of one to many times. Or maybe there was one to many broken promises. Or maybe the work life balance is trash. Either way, after consideration and time for things to get better you’ve come to realize they never are. So what are you going to do? You go to work with a smile on your face. You do not give your job any kind of heads up you are about to leave, but you start looking. Finally, after searching and interviews you find what seems to be the perfect job. The money is amazing, there hasn’t been any broken promises, and the job just seems to fit you like a glove. But..there’s still the 2 weeks notice at the other job. You meander through those 2 weeks doing nothing but counting down the days, day dreaming about the new job and how happy you’ll be. Well it finally comes, the 2 weeks are over. You walk out of that “office” confident and so sure you are making the right decision you are even a little pompous about how great things are and will be. You don’t know if the new job will lie, or take advantage but at least there’s hope and you have already created the perfectness of the situation in your head so you sally forth. You don’t look back at that old nasty job that treated you horribly, until a few weeks later you remember you forgot something at the old office. Or maybe a paycheck is there and you gotta go back and put a little sugar on the situation so you can get what you need. Do you see where I’m going here?
You are the old employer she left. She found a new employer who fits her better these days. Why would she wanna go back to the old job she left when it’s the same job, boss, location. Well the only way you go back to that is when you don’t have any other choices. If you’ve made basically zero changes, you know if she comes back it’s because she needs to use you some more until she finds a new job. I would suggest if you wanna save this marriage you need to be the best job opportunity she has. If you don’t; you still need the be the best employer for the next. So basically you’re in a lose lose situation until you make some changes.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
